The Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED

[TaraMaiden]

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A.No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have. Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... I'm happy for them, but, so what? It's cool!"

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an ******* is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

Edited January 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spelling

[winstonsdreams]

perfect nice work Tara. i cannot recommend this enough! it gets easier each time, i have gone NC many times and i know now it's the only true way to heal, with time of course. i like the amendments, Tara you are wise!

[TaraMaiden]

But as a whole, the thing absolutely, definitely works, but only if people absolutely definitely implement it.

 

For any heartbroken, recently-dumped new member:

Copy and paste the above, into a word.doc.

 

Then, print off as many copies as you need, to completely cover every available bit of wall-space you have.

 

Hang a copy in the bathroom - always worth having a good read while you 'sit and think'.

 

Make sure you have a copy in your pocket, bag or wallet, at all times.

 

Put one in your desk drawer, at work.

 

Remember: Caliguy - the original work's author - actually worked in the same building, under the same roof, for the same company, as the woman who dumped him. Contact was unavoidable - but by implementing the main rules, he controlled the situation to his complete advantage, and healed far more quickly than he ever thought possible.

 

It can be done.

it has been done.

And you too - can do it.

Edited January 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lasatra]

perfect nice work Tara. i cannot recommend this enough! it gets easier each time, i have gone NC many times and i know now it's the only true way to heal, with time of course. i like the amendments, Tara you are wise!

 

The credit goes to CaliGuy btw!

But indeed he is very wise!

 

I still read the topic everyday to not forget why I'm trying NC! I never did NC before but I will recommended to everyone and hope that I don't have to go true a lot of break-ups

[Honiebee]

If there was a 'Love' button I would have clicked that!

[TaraMaiden]

I was considering requesting this thread be pinned, but frankly, because it undergoes changes, and so many people have it in their signature, I think it gets around better this way.....

 

Edit Note:

I've just noticed a Moderator fixed my typo.

Thank you so much, I am very grateful.

Edited January 10, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Thanks, Moderator!

[CptSaveAho]

sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

Edited January 10, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[Mack05]

From tough experience I fully agree with NC especially the first 3 months. However, after I have had time to evaluate the breakup and the relationship as a whole, I would break NC (probably with a letter). Maybe its selfish, but for me it would be about achieving my own personal closure and obtaining inner peace. As long as you are being honest with yourself and what your motives truly are, then I feel its ok to break NC for the reasons I mentioned above..

 

Also TM life is not always black and white. While I fully agree with the guide from a logical perspective, I can guarantee you that there have been various scenarios where NC was broke and couples have gotten back together. Could be a relationship mis-communication whatever, but it has happened.

 

While NC is the logical right thing to do (no doubt about that) while the dust settles from a Relationship fallout, it still doesn't take away from what the heart wants and craves. You can print as many NC guides as you want, the vast majority of people will still break NC. I am pretty sure you know the reason why. Hope......

 

Sure the vast majority of times its it vain and it sets us back but for those small few they clung onto hope, sometimes miracles do happen and thats what makes life so great. If we all did what we are supposed to do it would be a boring world..

Edited January 10, 2013 by Mack05

[TaraMaiden]

sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

 

Er... no - his last post on this forum was about having sold his truck...

 

Are we talking about the same man?

Could you give reference?

 

Thanks..........

[Lone]

It says to ignore anything but the "I WANT YOU BACK" from the ex. What i struggle with is the notion that someone would just come flat out and say this. Like this rule applies to all situations? It cant. There are too many variables. IF you wanted someone back and you left them and had been NC for awhile wouldnt you test the waters a bit first...?

[TaraMaiden]

They do, and they have.

The thing is, if an ex wants you back in their lives, romantically, because they made a mistake, they will say so.

 

They will find a way of - in one way or another - sending you a clear message that they 'made a mistake'.

 

Until you get that message - clear as a foghorn - everything else is just breadcrumbs.

 

Some exes will even selfishly 'test the waters' to see how far over them you are, by sending vague hints, or dangling carrots.... this gets your hopes up and makes you feel there might be another chance - then, they go silent again, or say they're confused, don't know what they want, but don't want to hurt you....

 

Again.

 

Believe me - one look at the 'second Chances' forum will tell you how rare they are....

[TaraMaiden]

A Word to the wise: ABRIDGED Post from This Thread:

 

gotta vent...

 

I pretty much ripped out all the stitches on my wound and now feels like I have to start all over again.

3 months ago was my break up. I went NC as soon as I came across this forum, devastated, heart broken, depressed as **** and lowest I've ever been in life.

 

...........I started my path to recovery.

 

Dated 3 girls in the last 3 months and also got physical with 2.

 

....I started feeling guilty because I knew I was using these girls as rebounds and I dont consider myself to be that kind of person so I broke it off.

 

Ex texted me 2 days before christmas telling me that she is in a relationship and even though I was furious, I kept my calm and told her I am happy for her.

 

The next day she is texting me non stop, crying, and begging and saying things like she misses me and she messed up on every decision blah blah blah...

 

Me being the nice guy asked to meet up with her. .. She tells me that she felt lonely so that is the only reason she is in a relationship with this new guy. She said she does not see a future with him and its just a fling.

 

We made plans to go to dinner....she then breaks down and tells me that she wants me back, she is not happy at all and going insane. I entertained the idea and told her that I have to think about this because I practically removed every hope of us being together.

 

....

..We met up 2 days ago for lunch and my heart was beating so hard that it was hard to converse. Later that day she tells me "I love you" and I said the same thing back to her. Feeling more remorse and ****ty.

 

My stupid ass got on her facebook on a friends account and just cried all night last night. She is playing me and also her new "BF".

 

Now I am going back to NC with her. I am not going to be a #2 option. Ready to become an ******* again and protect myself.

 

My reply:

 

......So even if they do come back with the "I'm sorry, I made a bad mistake, I love you, I want you back and will do anything to prove it to you!" - they might be yanking your chain.....?

 

I guess this goes to show that even if this DOES happen, you should take it with a pinch of salt, proceed very cautiously - and let the Actions speak Louder than the Words!

 

She might have SAID all of that - but her Actions revealed her to be a liar!

 

I've been accused of being harsh, bitter and negative.

That I have no empathy and that I'm pessimistic....

 

But sadly, time and time again, the poor dumped person finds out the hard way that there can be NO going back.

Never go back.

 

 

If you try on a pair of shoes, and although they look and feel great at first, but after a while, they pinch your toes, make the balls of your feet ache, give you heel blisters and just don't fit - would you in all honesty, keep wearing them - ?!

 

No! You wouldn't deliberately cripple yourself in the hope that after a while this would all go away - would you - !?

[CaliGuy]

The credit goes to CaliGuy btw!

But indeed he is very wise!

 

I still read the topic everyday to not forget why I'm trying NC! I never did NC before but I will recommended to everyone and hope that I don't have to go true a lot of break-ups

 

Glad you are and thank you.

 

sad part is he (caliguy) chased his ex for 6+ years

 

he didnt follow his own advice... his last post on this forum was him looking at her fb account... YEARS later... yawn!

 

You have no idea what you're talking about.

[CaliGuy]

 

Remember: Caliguy - the original work's author - actually worked in the same building, under the same roof, for the same company, as the woman who dumped him. Contact was unavoidable - but by implementing the main rules, he controlled the situation to his complete advantage, and healed far more quickly than he ever thought possible.

 

Yes and that was not the same ex "Cap" is referring to. He apparently can't keep my posts straight

[cavalier99]

Wow. Never thought id see a post form CaliGuy here on the BU forum. Your guide was a life saver. I didn't know what NC was and paid the price. Now I'm 3 plus months NC and holding strong. Thanks!

 

PS Yeah I agree VA (Leesburg) is boring. I'm here in Fairfax and it is just as cookie cutter if not more so.

[TaraMaiden]

Wow. Never thought id see a post form CaliGuy here on the BU forum. Your guide was a life saver. I didn't know what NC was and paid the price. Now I'm 3 plus months NC and holding strong. Thanks!

 

Yeah, I love it when Caliguy pops in... feel it's all worthwhile....

[Million.to.1]

OMG!!!!! CALIGUY!!!

 

....Will you sign my chest??

 

 

 

 

.. i joke, i joke.

[hudson701]

Ok consider this scenario: what happens if you've been hurt so much, and have accepted you're never going to see your ex again. But want to send them a devastating message about how much you've been hurt, so that it hurts them? I mean a proper burning-bridges, f-you message, to hurt them like they've hurt you?

 

I'm considering breaking NC to do this, as I know my ex is sensitive to such issues and it will really hit home what a bitch she's been.

 

Talk me out of it, but I can only see it being good as I am dying inside because of her. I want her to feel some hurt too.

[na49]

Mind if I help you with that?

 

Want to really burn the bridge? Want to really stick it to them? Want to SHOW them instead of telling them that you don't want to put up with the way that they treated you? Don't say anything! Leave them the f*ck alone. We are all little kids at heart and want to get the last word. Well... they had the last laugh in all of this. Here we are. Heart broken. and what are they doing? are they pining over us to call? Are they hoping that we are okay? NOPE! They're doing them. They're living their life. They're meeting new people that they like better than us because God knows how great they are! right?

 

No. not right. Screw them. A message from you saying that will do what to her? Do you really think it will "hurt" her? She'll read it, have a nice laugh at it with her girlfriends and delete it. Sure maybe she'll respond and say how "sorry she is that you're hurt" Your ex will take it as more of an insult that you show her you don't need the "all amazing, super nice, super great" her in your life. It will be more of an insult if you improve yourself without her and enjoy life without her than if you try to stick around and say "wahh wahh you hurt me you bitch! wahh wahh i'm miserable, i want you to be miserable! i'm really desperate for attention! please take me back!"

 

Don't do it dude. It does nothing for you.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok consider this scenario: what happens if you've been hurt so much, and have accepted you're never going to see your ex again. But want to send them a devastating message about how much you've been hurt, so that it hurts them? I mean a proper burning-bridges, f-you message, to hurt them like they've hurt you?

 

I'm considering breaking NC to do this, as I know my ex is sensitive to such issues and it will really hit home what a bitch she's been.

 

Talk me out of it, but I can only see it being good as I am dying inside because of her. I want her to feel some hurt too.

The really sad - almost inhuman - thing about this, is that it will have one of two effects on her:

She will either look down on you in scorn and superiority, for basically being "Ugh, what an idiot! He sounds soooo..... childish!" - or she will pity you and think you've lost the spine she once credited you with having, and will think you're just pathetic and sad.

 

That's the tragedy; whatever our intention, they never quite hit the mark - and indeed, may even serve to do precisely the opposite of what we intend.

 

I thank na49 for posting his response.

He went through his own hellish torment to get to where he is today.

[hudson701]

You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss. It makes my blood

Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

[na49]

You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

 

I don't understand how sending her an email shows her you don't give an f about her... It shows that you aren't over her and need to get the last word like a child.

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss. It makes my blood

Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

What goes around does come around. You'll never know it though. I know how you feel. My ex knows the entire freaking campus already and we just started going there last semester. Meanwhile, I'm your typical shy, antisocial kid who lacks the confidence to go up to someone I don't know and introduce myself. So I have maybe one real friend and I've been going to school there for a semester. I relied completely on her. Having her was good enough for me. Now I don't have her... F*ck

 

I also ruminate (what does that mean?) too much and think of her life because it is probably better than mine right now and she probably is happier now than she was when she was with me. It sucks. It's not fair. but there's nothing we can do about it.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

 

I've been going through an absolutely terrible month, so don't worry about it.

 

but seriously. don't send her anything.

[TaraMaiden]

You make a valid point but why should we disappear nice quietly to give them an easier life? I can't see it. I've been hurt so badly now, dropped coldly and want her to feel some of it to.

You don't get it.

you don't disappear for them. You disappear for you.

Time, and time, and time and time again, the dumper contacts the dumpee to throw them breadcrumbs and yank their chain - and all it does is merely trumpet "Notice me! I dumped you, but I'm damned if I'm going to go quietly or let you forget me!"

The whole nub of the NC guide turns on these points: The dumper's insistence on still being in your life for as long as possible, in order to make themselves feel good about things.

 

The best way to deny them the spotlight is to close it down and refuse to throw that switch.

There's only one thing a dumper hates more, than being pestered.

And that's not being noticed.

 

I know vengeance is a terrible thing but what is the best way to get one over them? Showing you don't give a f?

To live life well, as if there's nothing you give a damn schytt about.

"You dumped me? Hah!! Your loss! I am so much better without you! Look at me, I'm still laughing - you tried to knock me for six, but dammit, Not out, not by a long shot! Suck it up and weep - I'm a happy gal/guy - and you've lost me for good!" Tchah-tchah!

 

I'd like to think what goes around comes around but I'm in a massively bad place compared to her, and she has so much help and support, good life etc to help her get through like its a piece of piss.

 

Now this is classic self-defeating and self-sabotaging talk.

There are remedies to this - you just have to put your 'phukkit' positive hat-attitude on, and go get it.

It's all very well wallowing for a while - hell, even I've done it - but at some point, you have to say to yourself, "Bugger this for a game of soldiers - I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired - and it's ME doing it to ME!! I gotta quit this crap and man up!"

 

It makes my blood Boil, it's pathetic I know. About the only thing she is intimidated by is beautiful women, but she's never gonna be around to see it if I am lucky enough to land another gf.

 

There are circumstances which mean I'm not going to meet anyone for a while due to my antisocial working hours, living alone, being in and out of hospital etc She's out sh*gging already due to being massively popular, at university and having a great social life and group of friends. I ruminate too much and think about her life as its so much better at the moment.

 

Sorry for the rant going through an absolutely terrible day today, it's not getting any easier, my anxiety and depression is difficult at moment.

 

Do whatever you need to do, do whatever it takes to help yourself out of this.

The superhuman effort, sadly, has to be generated and propelled by you.

Life is a choice.

There is always a choice.

Weigh in your heart the bitter feelings of anger, resentment and hatred, against the nourishing feelings of peace, empathy and love.

 

Now?

 

Choose.

 

Which would you rather fill your life with?

[na49]

Tara I love reading your posts. You should definitely post in my thread more.

[portableversion]

You don't get it.

 

There's only one thing a dumper hates more, than being pestered.

And that's not being noticed.

 

 

Which would you rather fill your life with?

 

 

Geez this is so bizarre, its just gonna be like church just dont understand but forget it go thru the steps and somehow it all works out.

 

YThis does sound like my ex to the T but dang we were together for 17 yrs, ill go no contact and she gets pushy, i sent her a letter telling her she cant be coming over here unannounced and we ended up being onthe phone for 4 hrs she was crying, telling me she misses me and the new guy just really isnt doing ti for her. So insane, .....killing me softly with her words.

 

i can tell she dont like it when i avoid her or dont make eye contact when i pick up the kids, ive done a lot of the nc stuff, and shes putting up stiff resistance for sure, this stinks i never wanted the divorce and i believe it to be a moral crime, we made a vow in church theres gotta be some serious consequences to this, crap i still love her, and my boys want me back in the house, its just so wrong so wrong. But i can agree each day that goes by seems to help where i didnt see her or talk to her.

 

i told her the other day i was ignoring her calls and she looked like she was about to cry over it. it really shook me to my foundation. i told her dont worry about me focus on ur boyfriend in from the army, she got so aggressive to give me a hug, i ended up barricading myself in my bathroom and we played tug of war with the door.

 

it hurt alot i love her so much, we made a vow until death do us part and she broke the law to get it done super fast.

one time i told her i was no longer going to reach out to her since she was going to alaska to shag this guy, she got furious and told me repeated to f off and hung up on me

 

i just dont get it all, its beyond me.....oh well more therapy, more church, more aa, more time, more prayers........man this stuff hurts so bad, its unreal how bad it hurts, the pain is surreal