confusion

[butterfly]

Hello. I have two problems with my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 2 years. One problem, is that he is very extroverted and I am somewhat introverted. he likes to party all the time with his friends and he does it, and i have never complained about it. But, here lately, I have been wantong to two parties and asked him to go with me. He said no, once because he was sick and the other becuase he had a paper to write. The first party he didn't want to go to because he was sick, we actually ended up drinking beer with his friends instead. The second one, he said he had to write a paper and he ended up staying up late and had plans of drinking with his friends (again). I ended up not going, but when i found out he had been planning on drinking, i got upset and asked him why he REALLY didn't want to go the party with me. We discussed for hours and hours (our first bad fight) and he never understood my point and evidently I didn't understand his either (he sees nothing wrong about it because I ended u not going to the second party anyway).

 

The second problem I have is sex. I love sex but i see it differently than he does. For me it is more emotional, more spiritual. He has a very intense sexual energy and likes, well, pornography and stuff like that. Again, I never had a problem and let him fantasize all he wanted, and allowed for us as a couple to explore...but last week he mentioned something about swinging an he let me know he is very interested and has actually foind a couple willing to do it. I would NEVER in my life even consider doing something like that. SO obviously, our sexual interests are very far apart and I don't know how to handle this situation.

 

I love him very much and would like some advise as to how to handle these situations and maybe if ia am wrong to worry about these things...thank you!

[Tony T]

You can't change somebody. You can only ask them to compromise for the benefit of the relationship.

 

Both of these problems are major, the sex problem maybe a tiny bit more than the going out problem.

 

It all boils down to total and complete self centeredness and selfishness on his part. He wants you to go places with him, places you don't really want to go...and you either go with him or allow him to go with no problem. But when you want to go socialize and accept invitations that have been directed to you, he prefers to do what he wants to do. He makes up phoney excuses for not going...then does what he wants (drinking with his friends) That is just plain SELFISH...NO, THAT IS REALLY VERY VERY SELFISH!!!

 

If he knows your feelings about swinging sex sessions and continues to try to persuade you to participate, again this is hard core selfishness of the highest degree. Any person of normal intelligence, who was not extremely self centered, would understand that some people are just not into that sort of thing. As a matter of fact, most people are not into that sort of thing.

 

This is also a sign that he is easily bored with sex, something you will certainly have to deal with for many years if you stick around him.

 

I don't think there is anything that will cure him of his stupidity and selfishness. The reason we court people before marrying them is so things like this have a chance to surface...if they are going to. You are finding major incompatibilities. If you continue the relationship now that you know these problems exist, don't go bitchin' and complaining about him once you get married. You got the scoop first hand right now. You will have to make your own decision on what to do.

 

It is easier to change mud into gold than it is to change a selfish person into a considerate and understanding one. You are in for a very miserable life if you decide to hang on to this dude. The two of you are highly incompatible. He does not subscribe to the same morals and values you do. And besides, he is a selfish DUD!!!

[Deejette]

To you making love is an intimate, private, emotional thing. To him it's public and more anonymous. I see this as an important difference that could lead to some serious and painful (for you) problems down the road. If you go along with swinging just to make him happy, you will feel horrible later as you recall seeing him getting intense over another woman.

 

He is not ready for a serious relationship and it sounds like you are. I don't even think sleeping with multiple partners is safe sex and it is hard for me to imagine it as something that will strengthen your relationship.

You can't change somebody. You can only ask them to compromise for the benefit of the relationship.

 

Both of these problems are major, the sex problem maybe a tiny bit more than the going out problem. It all boils down to total and complete self centeredness and selfishness on his part. He wants you to go places with him, places you don't really want to go...and you either go with him or allow him to go with no problem. But when you want to go socialize and accept invitations that have been directed to you, he prefers to do what he wants to do. He makes up phoney excuses for not going...then does what he wants (drinking with his friends) That is just plain SELFISH...NO, THAT IS REALLY VERY VERY SELFISH!!! If he knows your feelings about swinging sex sessions and continues to try to persuade you to participate, again this is hard core selfishness of the highest degree. Any person of normal intelligence, who was not extremely self centered, would understand that some people are just not into that sort of thing. As a matter of fact, most people are not into that sort of thing. This is also a sign that he is easily bored with sex, something you will certainly have to deal with for many years if you stick around him.

 

I don't think there is anything that will cure him of his stupidity and selfishness. The reason we court people before marrying them is so things like this have a chance to surface...if they are going to. You are finding major incompatibilities. If you continue the relationship now that you know these problems exist, don't go bitchin' and complaining about him once you get married. You got the scoop first hand right now. You will have to make your own decision on what to do. It is easier to change mud into gold than it is to change a selfish person into a considerate and understanding one. You are in for a very miserable life if you decide to hang on to this dude. The two of you are highly incompatible. He does not subscribe to the same morals and values you do. And besides, he is a selfish DUD!!!