Getting over affair sex

[shame_on_me]

thanks for the compliment

 

I have to give you credit...some wayward spouses try and blame the other woman/man for their choice to have an affair, and you don't do that- you have accepted that the responsibility for your actions lies with you...

 

but, by the same token,, her responsibility for having an affair and cheating on her husband lies with her...

 

I'm not saying she loves you/doesn't love you, as no one really knows that for sure but her...but if she does love you, is it a "good" kind of love, or is it more toxic and harmful? In the end, did it make you a better man?

 

I have o say that I do find it somewhat troubling that she says she fantasized for years about having an affair with you...I know that even happily married people sometimes let their minds wander a bit, but they don't go out of their way to make it a reality...to actually have an affair with that person...

 

Again, like I said, I don't know her, but if I had to say what type of person she is, just based upon what you've written, she sounds like someone who is unhappy, like someone who doesn't feel all that great about themselves and she found that having an affair with a married man was a self esteem boost ( "I must be attractive/desirable/ etc. as a man is willing to risk everything to be with me")...in short, she's someone who's unhappy in her life and willing to drag others down with her in order to feel better ( i could be totally wrong, but the fact that she kissed you in public where she knew there was a good chance your wife would find out about it ( and also her husband..after all, from what you say she's still married). She also has a child, and is willing to risk having her life turned upside down...

 

as for you, please stop running yourself down...you may be an "average guy" but that's not a bad thing...it sounds like, at your center, you're a good man...somewhere along the way he's gotten lost in the shuffle- find that man again and be happy with yourself...when you've done that, the answers to your issues will come much more easily

 

Thanks Frozen.

 

I would solely place the blame on myself for the situation i got myself and her into. I was the "happily" married man, she wasnt happy I knew this and if im completely honest I probably took advantage of that and her. I did tell her from the beginning i would never leave my family and she accepted that but i also knew how much she loved me and i should of stopped there.

 

I felt disgusted with myself that first meeting we had in the hotel, guilt ridden and dirty but i never stopped did i ? I let the affair continue and lapped up every single ego boost she gave me. Yes she cheated on her husband but ultimately I am the one who should of walked away, instead i fell in love with her and walked away to late.

[Spark1111]

At the beginning we text sporadically maybe 1 or 2 texts a day and maybe seen each other once a week for a chat. I was still very reluctant at this point and the guilt was overwhelming, i spend more time with my wife the first couple of months of my affair.

 

As time went by the texts were constant between us (30-50) texts per day and sometimes i would see her 3/4 times a week we were in constant contact and knew each others movements.

 

Very honest and I thank you.

 

Do you realize how energized your marriage would be if you put one-third of the time and effort into re-connecting with your wife as you did into the affair?

 

And realistically, or course you have time for counseling now. Surely NOW that you are not constantly in contact and meeting up with your OW, you can squeak out 45 minutes a week, right? You spent more time every day sending texts than seeking help.

 

Your wife and marriage and mental health are surely worth 45 minutes a week in a counseling session, no?

[shame_on_me]

how have things been going for you and your wife lately? Have you been able to find some time for counseling for yourself to help you sort through your feelings? have you had much success at maintaining "no contact"? do you feel as if there is anything left unsaid between you and your ex-other woman? If so, perhaps you could try writing a letter to her...take as much time as you need to express all your feelings, and , when you feel ready, destroy it- a symbolic way of starting over

 

One more thing, and then I'll stop bugging you for today...

 

I know that you don't appreciate people saying negative things about your ex other woman, but I do think that you aren't seeing her for what she is...she's not evil incarnate or a bad person, but if you feel that what you did was wrong and hurtful, then how is what she did any different? For example, you both placed your family's welfare at risk ( even if she is divorcing, it will probably be a lot more acrimonious if her husband finds out she cheated, which is sure to make things more difficult for their child)...

 

You just really have this idolized view of her as some kind of innocent, child like person who you took advantage of...but you did not...and if you did, then she also took advantage of you, as you say that you were in a vulnerable place as well ( lack of sex and emotional connection)....how is what she did really any different than what you did?

 

the thing is that as long as you maintain this idolized view of her, it will be so much harder to put things behind you...please note that this doesn't mean that your feelings for her weren't real or that she's a bad person or that you have to be angry with her or hate her, but rather that it's time to see the reality of your situation...do you really think you are doing that?

 

Hi Frozen, thanks very much for asking.

 

No i havent been in contact with ow and i will not either, there is nothing more to be said i wont be leaving my family and i wont be continuing with the affair either. It is over now it is time to figure out where i went wrong after 27 years of being happily married.

 

Yes I have been in contact with a few therapists around my working area, and hope to organise a meeting soon.

 

I do know what you mean about my exow i guess im just riddled with guilt for what i have done and wont allow her to take any blame as i am the one who was in a happy marriage and therefor should of said "no" instead i let things progress and get out of hand. That blame solely lies with me.

 

No I dont think i am seeing the reality of the situation as yet and I may never see it unless my wife founds out and to be honest i am not ready for that, selfish yes but i am not in the right frame of mind at the moment.

 

Thanks again