Getting over affair sex

[veryhappy]

So many off responses. It has nothing to do with communicating with your wife, or her all of a sudden having more varied sex.

 

When people are romantically involved, there's a natural one on one focus. Yes, you still loved your wife as a companion, mother of your children and woman who once blah blah blah...but the A created the space where you and exOW were focused on each other and only interested in each other. There's a natural monogamy that happens when people are strongly in love, simply because the interest is so sharp and focused on that one beloved.

 

After my A ended, I went through the same purgatory. I can't stand my h touching me, and that started before the A. I could still almost feel exMM touching me and I couldn't understand how he doesn't just combust when touching his W. It feels off to be with anyone else when you want someone in particular so much.

 

I can tell you his W treated him very much like yours. "oh, you old man...". One day he refused her late sexual offerings and justified it by saying he had just masturbated. She laughed at him for not being able to get it working anymore. Utter bs. He has no problems to put it lightly.

 

To get to my point, you need to wait for your emotions for exOW to dissipate in time. Right now you still want her, and your body betrays you. Yes, you tell yourself you are staying married and you want your wife, but deep inside you wanted your exOW at least when it comes to sex and romance.

 

I'm sure with time you'll find some sexual connection with your wife. It will just be different and at a different pace. You can also throw the dice and confess, hoping for hysterical bonding sex.

[woinlove]

No i do not and will not walk away from my marriage believe it or not i love being married to my wife and i love the life we have (we have had our ups and down like most but ive never wanted to leave) this is not an option for me.

 

Ending your M is not an option for you. Telling the truth is not an option for you. Don't have time for counselling. Hmmm, sounds like you'll be getting used to your hand being your only sex partner and hope your W remains patient and loving despite this. Or do you have some other idea that is an option for you?

[shame_on_me]

I am not confessing to my wife I will not throw away 28 years of marriage and I will not lose my children - the affair is over, end off.

[MrWindupBird]

I am not confessing to my wife I will not throw away 28 years of marriage and I will not lose my children - the affair is over, end off.

 

You need to do what makes you complete. You might get a lot of people saying otherwise, and I have sympathy for others' pain, but if putting this thing into a lockbox and chucking it into the ocean, if that gets you through it, then do it.

 

I would suggest you do this: think of what your perfect life would be like. Take away winning the lottery and all that. But think about a realistic perfect life. If your wife doesn't fit in that, then give a separation a thought. If not, then don't.

 

It's all about making yourself not only happy, but also stable. You have to accept and appreciate that you being happily stable is going to positively impact your life more than just about anything. I wish you luck. Many people have been where you are. Life doesn't have a map. It just has some road signs that you can choose to follow or not follow.

[shame_on_me]

Ending your M is not an option for you. Telling the truth is not an option for you. Don't have time for counselling. Hmmm, sounds like you'll be getting used to your hand being your only sex partner and hope your W remains patient and loving despite this. Or do you have some other idea that is an option for you?

 

 

You are right of course i think i may need to invest in counselling but at the moment it is not possible - I leave the house at 6am and do not get home till 7pm then i pick my eldest up at 8pm from after school activities. I think it is more my pride about going to counselling i want to resolve this myself without hurting my wife.

[woinlove]

You are right of course i think i may need to invest in counselling but at the moment it is not possible - I leave the house at 6am and do not get home till 7pm then i pick my eldest up at 8pm from after school activities. I think it is more my pride about going to counselling i want to resolve this myself without hurting my wife.

 

Well, I want to wish you luck on that, but I can't help feeling that I would absolutely hate to be in your wife's shoes. If she finds out from the OW or someone who saw you kissing or some evidence you left, and knows that you haven't been able or willing to have sex with her but have been having it elsewhere, and deceiving her for a year, 2 years, more, maybe planning a whole lifetime of deceit, I don't think your M stands much of a chance.

 

As for creating some intimacy on top of this deception, I think you need to be a much better liar than I or most people could be. I know some posters here have had their M survive such continuing deception, but I can't recall a single one with an M that I would want. Still, you might not always think exactly how you think now. In any case, good luck with finding some path that does not lead to too much hurt for you, your wife and your children.

[underwater2010]

I hope you are lucky unlike my FWH. He ended the affair almost a year prior to me finding out. The I figured it out was a fluke. Good luck with burden, but please get some help with your mind set. If you don't, it will kill the marriage just as sure as the affair could.

[cocorico]

In the meantime, perhaps Viagra will help you to maintain an erection as a short term solution while you're still in this fog of the affair. .

 

My wife no longer turns me on and this sickens me.

 

For those who believe Viagra cures all arousal issues, you might want to do some reading. Viagra helps,when there's a problem with the plumbing. The incident with the OW car driving past shows this is not the problem.

 

Viagra does not cause or increase desire. SOM says his W no longer turns him on. That is a problem with desire. Viagra cannot help with that and can instead be very harmful, even life-threatening.

 

SOM's issues are not medical, they are emotional. As long as he is still in love with the OW he will not feel desire for his W. Many men are like this, they are not just studs who can switch it on when a woman drops her knickers. They need the intimacy, the love, the emotional connect, the desire. If SOM is still directing that at the OW he will not feel it toward his W.

 

SOM, you've ruled out telling your W. that makes it much harder to suggest counselling, and I think that without counselling, your chances of solving this shrink. It's going to be difficult to solve this inside your head while trying to rebuild intimacy with your W. every failed attempt will add to the pressure, and while she may feel comfortable medicalising it, at some point if you are to regain physical intimacy she will want some results. You will need to tell her something. Will it be the truth, or will it be more lies?

[jwi71]

Ending your M is not an option for you. Telling the truth is not an option for you. Don't have time for counselling. Hmmm, sounds like you'll be getting used to your hand being your only sex partner and hope your W remains patient and loving despite this. Or do you have some other idea that is an option for you?

 

He won't tell his W.

He won't return to xOW.

He won't have another A.

He won't leave his M.

He can't go to IC.

 

Perhaps our OP enjoys being the martyr - great personal suffering to keep his family intact.

 

OP, how do you expect anything to change when you change nothing?

 

How is this doing nothing a positive step not only for you but your M as well?

 

Do you envision living as you are now for the rest of your life - or until the kids are grown?

 

What CAN you do, as opposed to what you won't do, to improve yourself and your M?

 

I would make time. Saturday, Sunday, shuffle the kids schedule to make the time.

 

From my vantage - you don't want it enough.

[Spark1111]

my H needed Viagra with his xAP, but never with me.

 

Go figure.

 

and there was many a thing she wouldn't do that I really like.

 

I hope you work this out. there was a time or two after DDay he had trouble. I'm not sure if it was guilt and to whom it was felt for.

 

but you really need to get to counseling. and you really need to stop seeing your spouse as the wifey. she's a woman to with needs.

 

start talking about it!

[mitchell]

What did your AP do sexually that your wife will not do??

 

Your wife may surprise you even after all these years if you give her a chance.

[CALOVELY]

Ending your M is not an option for you. Telling the truth is not an option for you. Don't have time for counselling. Hmmm, sounds like you'll be getting used to your hand being your only sex partner and hope your W remains patient and loving despite this. Or do you have some other idea that is an option for you?

 

I was thinking the same thing. He had all the time in the world to have an affair but a 1 hour counseling session once or twice a week is too time consuming? Telling his wife what he has done is too much?

 

OP, it doesn't sound like you want your marriage whatsoever. It sounds like you want to rug sweep your actions, blame your wife for your inability to have sex and take some magic pill to make all your deception acceptable.

 

So what do you want then?

[Spark1111]

Great points!

 

SOM, think of all the time you expended on your relationship with OW....texts, emails, phone calls, hotels....just hours and hours of listening to each other share.

 

When was the last time you spent that amount of time romancing your wife? Letting her talk for hours? Planning to date her?

 

Ah, but now work is too busy and you can't find the time to go to counseling, let alone pencil in the same attention and time for your wife as you gave freely to your OW.

 

I kinda feel very sorry for your wife. She's not worth a counseling session? Let alone hot, romantic trysts, texts, emails, and soul-baring.

[shame_on_me]

I did not mean it to sound that way at all, ofcourse i will do anything to save my marriage if i wasnt willing to i would still be in A nor would i be on some internet forum spilling my guts. What i meant was the next few months for me at work will be hectic, i would have no time for exow even if we were still seeing each other. I want to see what position i will be in when the feelings for exow finally begin to ease up.

 

My wife and exow are two completely different women in every way and in all honesty it was fascinating to see and listen to another female who is completely different from the one i had at home.

[stillafool]

You are right of course i think i may need to invest in counselling but at the moment it is not possible - I leave the house at 6am and do not get home till 7pm then i pick my eldest up at 8pm from after school activities. I think it is more my pride about going to counselling i want to resolve this myself without hurting my wife.

 

If you had time to devote to the OW you certainly can make time for counseling. If you really want to get over the affair sex just tell your wife what you did and stop being a coward. Once you tell the wife she may want to have her own affair and then you won't have time to think about the OW.

[stillafool]

 

My wife and exow are two completely different women in every way and in all honesty it was fascinating to see and listen to another female who is completely different from the one i had at home.

 

Then give your wife the same opportunity!

[CALOVELY]

I did not mean it to sound that way at all, ofcourse i will do anything to save my marriage if i wasnt willing to i would still be in A nor would i be on some internet forum spilling my guts. What i meant was the next few months for me at work will be hectic, i would have no time for exow even if we were still seeing each other. I want to see what position i will be in when the feelings for exow finally begin to ease up.

 

My wife and exow are two completely different women in every way and in all honesty it was fascinating to see and listen to another female who is completely different from the one i had at home.

 

I wasn't born yesterday and my guess was neither was anybody else here. If you were still with the OW, you would have made time to see her so don't feed us that garbage. You simply refuse to make time to save your marriage, still refuse to tell your wife what you have done and when called out on it make excuse after excuse. The "one you have had home" deserves a lot more than what you are bringing to the table. Alot.

[veryhappy]

When was the last time you spent that amount of time romancing your wife? Letting her talk for hours? Planning to date her?

 

He just did that on their vacation together. So the answer is recently.

Edited January 10, 2013 by cutedragon

[shame_on_me]

I wasn't born yesterday and my guess was neither was anybody else here. If you were still with the OW, you would have made time to see her so don't feed us that garbage. You simply refuse to make time to save your marriage, still refuse to tell your wife what you have done and when called out on it make excuse after excuse. The "one you have had home" deserves a lot more than what you are bringing to the table. Alot.

 

 

Fair enough - I generally say things on here which are quite often taken out of context.

 

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out. I love my wife, I adore her, she is my best friend and the only woman I want to grow old with. I do not want to jeopardise that and I do not want to lose my children or the home we have. I want things to go back to how they were, I want to be able to make love with her again. We discussed many changes for this year which we are both looking forward to, more breaks away together as a couple and a family, more family time at the weekends and some other things.

 

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

[Spark1111]

He just did that on their vacation together. So the answer is recently.

 

And lookie, lookie....she wanted to make love to him.

 

Amazing how that works.

[whichwayisup]

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out.

 

Just a thought to consider, okay?

 

Right now if you confess - You have more of a chance of her forgiving you, giving you a second chance and working together to make the marriage better. If you wait and later in the future she finds out on her own (let's say MW confesses to HER husband and then he calls your wife), it could be much worse and a D more than likely could happen.

 

Viagra won't solve your non sexual feelings towards your wife. She is going to pick up on that, that you can't get it around her...It'll make her stop and think, remember a few weeks ago and how you were around the xMW, how you looked at her etc.. Your wife isn't stupid.

[Spark1111]

Fair enough - I generally say things on here which are quite often taken out of context.

 

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out. I love my wife, I adore her, she is my best friend and the only woman I want to grow old with. I do not want to jeopardise that and I do not want to lose my children or the home we have. I want things to go back to how they were, I want to be able to make love with her again. We discussed many changes for this year which we are both looking forward to, more breaks away together as a couple and a family, more family time at the weekends and some other things.

 

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

 

SOM, guestimate, on an average weekly basis, how much time did you devote to your relationship with your OW?

 

Thinking about her, talking to her, making plans to see each other, texting, emailing....all of it.

 

How much time?

[CALOVELY]

Fair enough - I generally say things on here which are quite often taken out of context.

 

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out. I love my wife, I adore her, she is my best friend and the only woman I want to grow old with. I do not want to jeopardise that and I do not want to lose my children or the home we have. I want things to go back to how they were, I want to be able to make love with her again. We discussed many changes for this year which we are both looking forward to, more breaks away together as a couple and a family, more family time at the weekends and some other things.

 

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

 

I don't know if I should continue to respond because after reading all of your other posts, you just don't get it. I will leave you with this though, you clearly have a self esteem/low self worth problem. The fact that the love of a woman who has stood by you for 28 years meant nothing, but the wink of a cheating married younger woman made you toss aside your wife like 2 day old leftovers is something you really need therapy to figure out. I sincerely mean that and I wish you well.

[Summer Breeze]

Fair enough - I generally say things on here which are quite often taken out of context.

 

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out. I love my wife, I adore her, she is my best friend and the only woman I want to grow old with. I do not want to jeopardise that and I do not want to lose my children or the home we have. I want things to go back to how they were, I want to be able to make love with her again. We discussed many changes for this year which we are both looking forward to, more breaks away together as a couple and a family, more family time at the weekends and some other things.

 

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

 

No offense but your M isn't saved, your skin is.

 

You can go on and on about how you want to stay with your W and you can't forget the xOW but answer me this. How's that working for you? Oh Hell I won't wait for an answer since it's in all of your posts. Not very well.

 

What more do you want everyone to tell you? You know it's not physical. You know it is psychological. You're not going to be honest in any capacity and you're not going to get help. You're not going to end the M but you're not going to take steps to make it better.

 

So are you in here looking for sympathy? I sympathize with you, I do. Unless you do something to move SOMETHING that's all I can offer.

 

All you're doing is trying to find places to put the bandaids and hoping they heal the broken arm. I'm not trying to be awful here but man up and do something already. If you love your W then do what's right by her. Tell her and get some help. If not let her go. Oh sorry. Those aren't options. Rethink what you're willing to do. It ain't working.

[mitchell]

He doesn't deserve to be able to get it up and stick it in his wife. His big brain is certainly telling this to his little brain.