Getting over affair sex

[Charlie Harper]

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

 

I cringe always when I read or hear this, if the OW is perfect and its the opposite of your wife, why did you marry your wife in the first place if she was very obviously not what you needed-wanted....

 

just a question...

[shame_on_me]

I cringe always when I read or hear this, if the OW is perfect and its the opposite of your wife, why did you marry your wife in the first place if she was very obviously not what you needed-wanted....

 

just a question...

 

 

It's not as easy as that Charlie, my wife and I met when we were teenagers I fell head over heels for her, we had the perfect life for 25 years, I was never interested in other women it was always my wife. Last few years we have had a rough patch, we have had them before but we got over it. I never in a million years ever thought that I would ever betray her. Ever! As mentioned numerous times before if it wasnt this woman I doubt very much I would have strayed. I f*cked up big time and I am trying to do best by all, I believe I can repair the damage I have done to my marriage without destroying my wife's world by revealing what I have done.

 

I've only known the thoughts of one woman my whole adult life, my wife. Listening to and experiencing another woman felt alien but fascinating a whole new personality, listening to her fears, hopes, desires, what she wants out of life - it was just different. This may have something to do with the age difference and the generation differences.

Edited January 10, 2013 by shame_on_me

[AbeNormal]

Fair enough - I generally say things on here which are quite often taken out of context.

 

My marriage is "saved" because my wife does not know of my affair, should I tell her ? Personally at this moment I don't think I should. Would she divorce my ass like she should ? I don't know, and I'm not willing "at the moment" to find out. I love my wife, I adore her, she is my best friend and the only woman I want to grow old with. I do not want to jeopardise that and I do not want to lose my children or the home we have. I want things to go back to how they were, I want to be able to make love with her again. We discussed many changes for this year which we are both looking forward to, more breaks away together as a couple and a family, more family time at the weekends and some other things.

 

 

But I just can't get that other bloody woman out my head no matter how hard I try, I miss her and the conversations and the way she makes me feel. I have had the same on conversations before with my wife but they felt different with exow. As I said they are opposites in almost every way.

 

The big I, and the little we...

Edited January 10, 2013 by AbeNormal

[stillafool]

The big I, and the little we...

 

This is exactly what I was thinking. OP is only concerned with what is good for him not his wife. He doesn't understand that he is still cheating on his W because his heart, thoughts and penis are still connected to the OW.

[dreamingoftigers]

The big I, and the little we...

 

Funnily enough, an article in Psychology Today showed that people who use "I" in abundance in written communication show a strong correlation with low self-esteem.

 

Just throwing it out there.

[shame_on_me]

Funnily enough, an article in Psychology Today showed that people who use "I" in abundance in written communication show a strong correlation with low self-esteem.

 

Just throwing it out there.

 

Lol I'm a talker not a typer, my written communication skills are pretty crap as you may all have noticed.

[Decorative]

You tripped up because you thought you were invulnerable to it. A lot of people think they aren't capable of cheating and therefore can't resist the temptation when it comes.

 

However any man in a stale marriage with a wife who is sexually repressed would be tempted by and vulnerable to having an affair with a hot sexy available young OW.

 

The only solution is to physically stay as far away as possible from such a temptress, otherwise she will draw you in like a wiley siren.

 

You never saw it coming because over all those long years of marriage your wife had brainwashed you into falsely believing you were no longer a real man. But nature and hormones took over and fortunately her castration efforts were not fully successful and your manhood revived, courtesy of the hot 'n' sexy OW.

 

Why generalize? Why be misogynistic towards so many women?

 

His wife showed this weekend that when he pays attention to her, she wants to have sex.

 

So, um, it would appear to me that perhaps it's not a frigid wife, but a neglected one.

 

Just saying.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Decorative

[Decorative]

Lol I'm a talker not a typer, my written communication skills are pretty crap as you may all have noticed.

 

No, you come across quite clearly.

[AbeNormal]

Surely DuckSoup doth jest.

[Steen719]

I don't think it will really matter as to what anyone says and I read this a few times before I decided to write. To me, at this point, it doesn't matter who has done what to whom. You are not sexually interested in your wife and you sound like you love her like a good friend. You are getting an erection by your OW driving by? You have a pretty long life ahead to be with someone you do not even desire. I have ideas about why your wife may not be so sexually attracted to you, but that isn't really what this is about.

 

• You do not desire your wife
  
• You say your wife does not desire you or if she does, it isn't what you want
  
• You do desire your OW
  
• Your OW desires you the way you want
  
• While you "love" your wife and and do not desire to disrupt hers and your children's lives, you have no time for counseling, do not want to try honesty and disclosure, but want your former happiness as if it will magically appear.
  

I believe you have some love for your wife, love your children and are trying to be a "good" man. It is long past this, Shame. Move along. Whether or not you tell your wife will have to be something you decide. It is not fair in any case for you to stay married to her. You cannot offer her what she deserves for being married to you for 28 years. Those of us who had long-term marriages know what that takes - for you as well as her. Do what is right for her as well as you and leave the marriage. Give her an opportunity to find a man who finds her desirable and knows how to make her want him. Trust me; as a woman, I can tell you. There are some grossly misinformed men on this forum and in this world. (Thankfully, there are also men who know more than thinking by lighting the wick they carry with them is all they need to motivate.) I'm sure there are many women, too. I am addressing what she can get out of a relationship with another man - not you.

 

 

One last thing I wanted to mention is this. Right now, you think you will always feel this great desire for your OW, who is a cheater and liar by the way, so not exactly trustworthy in her own right. Give yourself some time to spend only time with her. Live with her, pay bills with her, argue about money with her - how is college going to be paid for, how is rent, etc., have some good discussions about how she feels after getting kids up, making lunches, working all day, coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen, helping with homework, going over agendas, making sure the kids have baths and get in bed at a good time and tell me how damn quick that bloom comes off that rose. Your are deluding yourself if you think it won't OW here will tell you it won't, but I am not talking about maintaining a secret, romantic relationship. I am talking about an honest-to God every day relationship.

 

 

 

I am not really trying to judge your affair. I don't agree with doing that, but that was your choice. But I really don't understand what you are doing to your wife, who you claim to love. That kind of love is toxic, Mr. Shame, and you presume that keeping your kind of "love" for her is somehow better for her. I would hope that she would not choose that for herself. I would hope she has more self-esteem than to find this acceptable, but even if she did, she should at least know what the hell is going on with her husband of 28 years. Don't be so presumptuous that you are such a great catch, that she won't find another man to make her feel desired and to allow her sexuality to be expressed to the right man.

 

 

That's it.

[Charlie Harper]

I am not trying o grill you or justify your actions, but if you canT get aroused by your wife..you are in DEEP DEEP doo doo.... because you are most probably angry at a lot of stuff...

[Decorative]

Stop smearing others with labels like "misogynistic towards so many women" simply because you disagree with a contention and can't formulate a logical rebuttal. But somehow with that attitude of yourse I'm not surprised you would sympathize with an emotionally castrating wife yet show no sympathy for the male OP.

 

 

 

 

You obviously read his posts very selectively. She doesn't want to have sex in a fulfilling matter, and in fact she laughed when he was impotent at the notion of having sex with her. A woman who really wanted to have sex with her husband would have had her feelings hurt, she wouldn't have been so happy about it. OP's wife is basically a castrating woman and her laughter at his impotence was an expression of her power over him--her "misandry" if you will.

 

And thus the obvious explanation for why OP cheated (which even Op doesn't seem to grasp because he too is repressed) despite loving her so much is very clear, he is a beta male who was finally pushed down by and abused by his wife, disrespected for her, for too long, and he fought back by cheating on her.

 

 

 

 

 

No one "neglected" OP's wife except perhaps herself. It's very clear that the OP's wife is just not interested in satisfying sex and doesn't care what the OP wants. Remember this is the same woman who laughed at her husband's impotence with her--no wonder he felt forced to cheat on such a castrating woman.

 

 

I wish you could take a step back and see what your words read like.

 

You have issues with women. You should think about why you are so quick to condemn his wife. And not him.

[bentnotbroken]

I wish you could take a step back and see what your words read like.

 

You have issues with women. You should think about why you are so quick to condemn his wife. And not him.

 

 

Don't pick that brick up and bash yourself with it...it's easier to walk by it.

[Furious]

Of course, because that's precisely the type of wife she is.

 

Her own husband isn't good enough for her and never will be good enough for her, she has no respect for him, sex with him is just a marital obligation.

 

This is a woman who actually laughed when he was impotent with her, she is a dick-shriveling witch.

 

No wonder he cheated.

 

If you go back to Shame's first thread, he states that his hot 30 year old married other woman, hasn't had sex with her husband in over two years.

 

Shame also says that his own wife has denied him sex in over two years.

 

Duck..just curious what you think of this scenario.

[AbeNormal]

Retraction - it seems DuckSoup doth not jest. I am thinking of a word - starts with an i and ends with a letter in the proximity of s ...

 

Wow.

Edited January 11, 2013 by AbeNormal

[Decorative]

Surely DuckSoup doth jest.

 

Don't pick that brick up and bash yourself with it...it's easier to walk by it.

 

Good point.

 

*whistles as I hustle past*

[whichwayisup]

You need to do what makes you happy, life is too short, and your wife refuses to be reasonable.

 

Well maybe if he told his wife the truth, what she's up against, some things would change! Neither of them are great at communicating and both have slipped into detachment mode.

[woinlove]

Shame, you situation is not very clear. Duck seems to think that your wife denies you sex, while you suggest your wife has reason to think you are impotent and you just gave an explicit example of why. Is it that your wife denies you sex or is it the other way around or is it some of both, when she wants sex, you don't and when you want sex, she doesn't?

 

Also, I think it is good if you haven't been having sex with your wife during the affair. It is terrible if she has sex under the assumption you are monogamous, not knowing you are exposing her to other other sex partners. I would not rely on OW's account of her not having sex with her H or with other men. Your wife can't rely on your word about monogamy, your OW's H can't rely on her word, so you would be foolish to assume you were the OW's only sex partner.

[Mystery2Me]

So you are saying that despite your busy work schedule you found time to cheat on the wife you love so much.....BUT you can not find time for IC.

 

You are drowning in a sea of denial and are over estimating your ability to see the real issue with clarity. Truthfully you had these feelings of marital disconnect before the OW, which allowed cheating with her on your wife to become an option.

 

It is only a matter of time before you completely self-destruct due to this systematic shutting down of your ability to actually connect with your wife. For example, you've already lost: ability to basically communicate, ability to tell the truth, ability to control public behavior when around OW in wife's presence, now you can not return your wife's passionate sexual advances.....What Are You Willing To Lose Next???

 

Finally if you could be sexually receptive to an OW, what makes you think that your wife could not also fall prey to another man?

 

Stop...don't say I know my wife she would NEVER do that. I am sure she currently believes the same about you....but YOU know that is a bold face lie.

 

Bottom line the cracks are showing...and you need help!

Edited January 11, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[RickFox]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but I'd say even though you say you are done with the affair, you aren't over it and are still 'with' the OW.

 

I experienced the same thing and until you reconnect with your wife, i.e., realizing there was nothing that special about OW simply that it was new p*ssy, exciting and eager. (sorry ladies). Once you figure that out, and you let your wife back in, you'll find you can rise to the occasion.

 

I've been there, done that, but you are stuck on the OW, love or not, it takes time IF YOU LET IT! I too thought I was "dead down there" and the fact is, I had already shut my wife out so I had no desire, but having met xOW wow, it was like I was a teen again. I can honestly say, that having been done with the A for over a year now and focusing solely on my wife, Im wanting it damn near every day and that is not normal for me, but lucky for me, she's a willing participant when we have the time.

 

Again, don't use the OW as a marital aid, hell watch porn together, do something but you need to focus on the wife and not the ex AP.

 

If this is the same thing anyone else said, all I can say is... my bad!

[2sunny]

I did not mean it to sound that way at all, ofcourse i will do anything to save my marriage if i wasnt willing to i would still be in A nor would i be on some internet forum spilling my guts. What i meant was the next few months for me at work will be hectic, i would have no time for exow even if we were still seeing each other. I want to see what position i will be in when the feelings for exow finally begin to ease up.

 

My wife and exow are two completely different women in every way and in all honesty it was fascinating to see and listen to another female who is completely different from the one i had at home.

 

You say you are willing to do anything to save the M.

 

Getting honest is the first thing that would help you be able to "perform".

 

The mind is the heart of sex... When the mind feels full of guilt - how cold you expect your organ to respond any other way except to shrivel up and hide? It's responding to what your brain is processing - that you're not honest in your M - and until you are honest - it won't work.

 

How sad for your wife. She deserves to know your truth.

[whichwayisup]

I did not mean it to sound that way at all, ofcourse i will do anything to save my marriage if i wasnt willing to i would still be in A nor would i be on some internet forum spilling my guts

 

Counseling will help you. Someone mentioned this - You say you're too busy to make time for marriage counseling but you had time for the affair. You made time for exMW. MAKE TIME to fix yourself, go to counseling.

 

Just a guess? Maybe you're a bit afraid of going because you won't like what the T (Therapist) has to say, you may not want to be totally open with her because she really will make you own all that you did. It's one thing to say it, feel it, but it's a whole other to really OWN it and take actions (aka tell your wife the truth) and face the heat, consquences of your choices. Fear of your wife calling the exMW's husband and telling him the truth about his wife cheating on him with you. The fallout is what you're truly afraid of.

[waterwoman]

she was most likely trying to help him feel less embarrassed and better about the situation...if you read his post, you'll see that she joked that BOTH of them were getting older so it was best not to worry too much about it...she loves him anyway

 

H@ll, after two years of not having sex with him, and he couldn't "perform", I think she handled the situation quite well...she didn't make him feel bad, guilty, or like he was somehow less of a man...she joked with him and tried to make him feel better, like it wasn't his fault so he shouldn't feel bad and she was very understanding...

 

 

Yes. Precisely. She could have wept and wailed and torn her hair out but I don't think that would have helped either.....

[stillafool]

This is a woman who actually laughed when he was impotent with her, she is a dick-shriveling witch.

 

No wonder he cheated.

 

She only laughed to try to relieve the pressure of him not being able to get hard! She didn't want his feelings to be hurt about his lack of performance. No woman likes a soft one. I'm sure she has fantasies as well and if a young stud came into her life OP would find out that the woman he thought was frigid is actually a freak in the bedroom. ;)

[stillafool]

I agree. Maybe OP doesn't know how to arouse his wife in a sexual way. I guess that would be her fault as well. Afterall, the sight of OP should make his wife drop her panties.