Getting over affair sex

[dreamingoftigers]

I've ben talking to a couple real-life WS, including my husband.

 

Apparently, the more a WS puts into a marriage, including sexually, the more things "come back online."

 

If you are putting stuff in with the expectation that they'll suck, well: you get what you pay for.

 

Just one more reason not to step outside of a marriage.

[KathyM]

For those who believe Viagra cures all arousal issues, you might want to do some reading. Viagra helps,when there's a problem with the plumbing. The incident with the OW car driving past shows this is not the problem.

 

Viagra does not cause or increase desire. SOM says his W no longer turns him on. That is a problem with desire. Viagra cannot help with that and can instead be very harmful, even life-threatening.

 

SOM's issues are not medical, they are emotional. As long as he is still in love with the OW he will not feel desire for his W. Many men are like this, they are not just studs who can switch it on when a woman drops her knickers. They need the intimacy, the love, the emotional connect, the desire. If SOM is still directing that at the OW he will not feel it toward his W.

 

SOM, you've ruled out telling your W. that makes it much harder to suggest counselling, and I think that without counselling, your chances of solving this shrink. It's going to be difficult to solve this inside your head while trying to rebuild intimacy with your W. every failed attempt will add to the pressure, and while she may feel comfortable medicalising it, at some point if you are to regain physical intimacy she will want some results. You will need to tell her something. Will it be the truth, or will it be more lies?

 

I didn't say Viagra works for all arousal issues, but it can be effective in treating psychological ED, which is what the OP has with his wife. It is not just for ED caused from physical problems. Read the link below. Viagra is often used for ED caused from psychological issues. But I do agree, and have stated in my prior post, that marital counseling is what is needed to help the OP and his wife to regain their sex life and sexual compatibility. Viagra will increase blood flow to all arteries, making an erection more likely/possible, but in the OP's case, it would only be a possible temporary measure to get him over the psychological "hump". As far as side effects, Viagra and other similar medications have a very small risk associated with its use, but yet it is used by millions of men worldwide without a problem. Most men consider the benefits to far outweigh the low risk level of any serious side effects. I agree that Viagra does not itself cause desire, but it does increase blood flow to the arteries of the penis, and has been proven effective in treating psychological ED, which is what the OP has.

 

Will Viagra Work if my ED is Psychological? - Erectile Dysfunction

 

You claim that the OP has no love or emotional connection to the wife, but does for the OW, but that is not what the OP states. He has stated over and over again that he loves his wife. He CAN regain his sex life with her through working on their sexual incompatibility issues in therapy, and that is what I recommended in my prior post.

Edited January 11, 2013 by KathyM

[JamesM]

I've ben talking to a couple real-life WS, including my husband.

 

Apparently, the more a WS puts into a marriage, including sexually, the more things "come back online."

 

If you are putting stuff in with the expectation that they'll suck, well: you get what you pay for.

 

Just one more reason not to step outside of a marriage.

 

Well said.

 

And that is the difference when someone chooses to cheat when faced with a bad marriage versus digging in and deciding to find a solution for the bad marriage. Probably not popular to say, but there are three choices often in a bad marriage: cheat, divorce, or fix. And two of them involve leaving the marriage...divorce literally and cheating figuratively.

 

Neither is the best choice.

 

But that aside, affair sex will be better as long as the marriage still suffers. The WS will need to dig in and be a better husband or wife. He or she will need to look within and remember why he or she loved the spouse.

 

Giving to the marriage brings the results desired. Waiting for the results to come without doing the hard work will be rather futile and more than likely if there are some results because of the spouse...fleeting.

 

SOM, if you want better sex in your marriage, then you will need to possibly pretend until it actually happens. The more you compare, the more you will miss what you had as memories seem to get better with time as compared to the reality.

 

You could suggest more varied sex techniques, but remember if it is too unusual, then she will wonder why now and not before. I agree with others....you may be surprised at her reaction in a very pleasant way.

[shame_on_me]

Hi, thanks for all your posts I can only quickly reply at the moment but will have a little more time to do so this evening.

 

I stayed up thinking for hours last night what was my problem, and I feel more ashamed and disgusted with myself than I ever have before, I think the simple answer is I don't want to have sex with my wife because its not "her" I don't think I could do the same positions and techniques with my wife that I done with my exow ... How sick is that ? I'm terrified that when I have sex with my wife I will compare her with exow. Im already doing it just now and it's not fair nor justified ....

 

Duck: im sorry mate but I don't see it that way, she laughed because I feel she didn't want to hurt my feelings, she didn't castrate me either I guess after 30 years together our sex life just dwindled and neither of us done anything about it. As I said before I was happy with this until I met exow and got my sex drive back

[Spark1111]

no matter what she would have done/not done, ducksoup would find fault...

 

another ironic thing about his stance is that he always proclaims that women are responsible for their lack of desire, that there is no legitimate cause for it, that if they have a problem, they need to fix it themselves and their husband should in no way hold himself responsible- if she doesn't want to have sex because he hurt her, because he cheated in the past, because he's a jerk to her, that's her problem, and she needs to get counseling, see a doctor or just suck it up and do what he wants and to h@ll with how she feels- ...such a double standard!

 

The internet is filled with pages and pages of men being unable to have the sex they want with their women, but the internet is also filled with pages and pages of good information about the biological differences between arousal times of men and women.

 

The worst mistake a man can make is to think a woman wants what a man wants physically in a long-term relationship.

 

If you want more and better sex, than you can learn what makes us tick.

 

It is not that hard, and yes! we are governed by our emotions so it will take some work.

 

There are men who get all the sex, and kinds of sex they want because they "get" us, and how to approach us, and how to finesse us.

 

Educate yourselves and quit whining. After two consecutive years of day-in-day out, even affair sex would bore us.

[whichwayisup]

Hi, thanks for all your posts I can only quickly reply at the moment but will have a little more time to do so this evening.

 

I stayed up thinking for hours last night what was my problem, and I feel more ashamed and disgusted with myself than I ever have before, I think the simple answer is I don't want to have sex with my wife because its not "her" I don't think I could do the same positions and techniques with my wife that I done with my exow ... How sick is that ? I'm terrified that when I have sex with my wife I will compare her with exow. Im already doing it just now and it's not fair nor justified ....

 

Duck: im sorry mate but I don't see it that way, she laughed because I feel she didn't want to hurt my feelings, she didn't castrate me either I guess after 30 years together our sex life just dwindled and neither of us done anything about it. As I said before I was happy with this until I met exow and got my sex drive back

 

You said somewhere (unless I've taken this out of context) that the thought of having sex with your wife sickened you. That not only is an emotional reaction but a physical one too. Or did you mean you were sickened by your behaviour of not being turned on by your wife and not being able to get it up? If this is the case (first part of what I wrote), then you really do need counseling so you can get over your exMW and grieve that loss, detach on ALL levels, otherwise your marriage and reconnecting with your wife will never happen.

[shame_on_me]

You said somewhere (unless I've taken this out of context) that the thought of having sex with your wife sickened you. That not only is an emotional reaction but a physical one too. Or did you mean you were sickened by your behaviour of not being turned on by your wife and not being able to get it up? If this is the case (first part of what I wrote), then you really do need counseling so you can get over your exMW and grieve that loss, detach on ALL levels, otherwise your marriage and reconnecting with your wife will never happen.

 

Hi which

 

I meant it the second way, i was sickened that i could not "get it up" for her it sickens me that she does not turn me on anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Hi which

 

I meant it the second way, i was sickened that i could not "get it up" for her it sickens me that she does not turn me on anymore.

 

You gonna make time for counseling? Yes buddy - I am gonna bug the crap out of you everyday until you say "Got an appt tomorrow!".

 

You made time for the A and for your exMW.. MAKE time for counseling so you can heal in a healthy way. Okay?

[shame_on_me]

You gonna make time for counseling? Yes buddy - I am gonna bug the crap out of you everyday until you say "Got an appt tomorrow!".

 

You made time for the A and for your exMW.. MAKE time for counseling so you can heal in a healthy way. Okay?

 

 

Yes boss

[Snowflower]

Hi which

 

I meant it the second way, i was sickened that i could not "get it up" for her it sickens me that she does not turn me on anymore.

 

Furious made a good point on the other thread and so not to t/j that thread further, I'm trying to bring the point back here.

 

There are women out there (and men too) who see married people as the ultimate challenge. Not all affair partners are like this but I think there are more of them than most people like to admit.

 

Like Furious said and you also mentioned in your response, your OW wanted to make sure that you always remembered her and in doing so, she has destroyed your sex life with your wife.

 

Scary stuff for sure. And no, I'm not projecting because this was not the situation with my H's affair.

 

There is another poster on LS, a former WS, RickFox. You might want to look up some of his old threads under his username. He still posts here from time to time, maybe he will chime in.

[woinlove]

I stayed up thinking for hours last night what was my problem, and I feel more ashamed and disgusted with myself than I ever have before, I think the simple answer is I don't want to have sex with my wife because its not "her" I don't think I could do the same positions and techniques with my wife that I done with my exow ... How sick is that ? I'm terrified that when I have sex with my wife I will compare her with exow. Im already doing it just now and it's not fair nor justified ....

 

If you actually do value your M as you say (although your actions and even most of your posts suggest otherwise) then you have an incredibly long path ahead of you. Nothing about your affair is fair or justified, but it is what it is, you gave up on your M, put it on the back burner expecting it to wait for you while you put your love, time, energy, thoughts elsewhere. It's no surprise that things are not just waiting for you exactly as they were. As others say, when you really give to your M, it returns many fold, and your giving was elsewhere and that has changed you and your M.

 

At some point, you will need to start focussing on your W and what she feels if you want to stay married. You don't seem ready for that yet. You seem consumed with thoughts of yourself and what you feel. Not a very good place to be for a married person. How do you plan to get out of it? Did you used to focus on your W earlier in the M? None of us has seen that person here, so I have no way of knowing if you are always self-absorbed or if it is a fallout from your affair that you disconnected from others and zoomed in on yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Yes boss

 

Words are one thing.. ACTIONS. Do it.

[goldengirl11]

Viagra isn't required - your penis works just fine.

What's broken is you.

 

This is a psychological effect of PTSD. I experienced it after Kuwait.

 

What you need is IC. Discuss this there.

 

Sorry what does IC stand for?

[Decorative]

Sorry what does IC stand for?

 

Individual counseling

[CALOVELY]

no matter what she would have done/not done, ducksoup would find fault...

 

another ironic thing about his stance is that he always proclaims that women are responsible for their lack of desire, that there is no legitimate cause for it, that if they have a problem, they need to fix it themselves and their husband should in no way hold himself responsible- if she doesn't want to have sex because he hurt her, because he cheated in the past, because he's a jerk to her, that's her problem, and she needs to get counseling, see a doctor or just suck it up and do what he wants and to h@ll with how she feels- ...such a double standard!

 

I lurk and rarely respond but yes, that is exactly the impression I get when reading any of his posts. In other words, no matter what happens.....the woman is always to blame. Nice logic and speaks volumes to me about his mental state.

[RickFox]

Furious made a good point on the other thread and so not to t/j that thread further, I'm trying to bring the point back here.

 

There are women out there (and men too) who see married people as the ultimate challenge. Not all affair partners are like this but I think there are more of them than most people like to admit.

 

Like Furious said and you also mentioned in your response, your OW wanted to make sure that you always remembered her and in doing so, she has destroyed your sex life with your wife.

 

Scary stuff for sure. And no, I'm not projecting because this was not the situation with my H's affair.

 

There is another poster on LS, a former WS, RickFox. You might want to look up some of his old threads under his username. He still posts here from time to time, maybe he will chime in.

 

Ahhh but I did already post in this thread, lol.

 

It's funny you mention the 'challenge' aspect and I try not to think too much about what my xmw's reasons were for approaching me, mentioning we would just have fun (once we found out we were attracted) and then saying she was falling for me and pouting after I didn't immediately return the compliment. After I did open up and fell for her, I remember during one of our 'sessions' she said "whose p*ssy is better? Tell me it's mine." I found it odd and a bit off putting at the time ...but having just read what you wrote....perhaps it was the challenge of getting another woman's husband....but at risk of screwing her own marriage up? She sure turned tail and ran when we got outed..... challenge over...time to move on.

[Spark1111]

Ahhh but I did already post in this thread, lol.

 

It's funny you mention the 'challenge' aspect and I try not to think too much about what my xmw's reasons were for approaching me, mentioning we would just have fun (once we found out we were attracted) and then saying she was falling for me and pouting after I didn't immediately return the compliment. After I did open up and fell for her, I remember during one of our 'sessions' she said "whose p*ssy is better? Tell me it's mine." I found it odd and a bit off putting at the time ...but having just read what you wrote....perhaps it was the challenge of getting another woman's husband....but at risk of screwing her own marriage up? She sure turned tail and ran when we got outed..... challenge over...time to move on.

 

Just WOW! Rick!

 

If that is not a throw-down the gauntlet competition, I don't know what is!

 

She asked YOU that?

 

Ahhhh.....true love, or true "besting of the spouse."

 

Me, me, me, lust after me cause I never got enough of the "right" kind of attention, so if I can WIN you away from that sweet wife with sex, I MUST truly be amazing.

[veryhappy]

He said their sexual problems were happening before the A. He just thought it was normal, age and number of years married considered.

 

I don't get all the blushing here. Of course AP was better sexually. Remember all that dopamine lecture you give? Nevermind that when people have affairs, they choose AP they are highly attracted to.

 

Of course a woman will flirt and want to hear she's the best. I find that normal in a regular R too. We'd all want to be the one and only, and most amazing ever.

[Spark1111]

He said their sexual problems were happening before the A. He just thought it was normal, age and number of years married considered.

 

I don't get all the blushing here. Of course AP was better sexually. Remember all that dopamine lecture you give? Nevermind that when people have affairs, they choose AP they are highly attracted to.

 

Of course a woman will flirt and want to hear she's the best. I find that normal in a regular R too. We'd all want to be the one and only, and most amazing ever.

but you need to know your pu@@y is better? really? in the heat of the moment with the man of your dreams you would ask how your equipment compared to her's?

 

C'mon! that has to be one of the most insecure and competitive pillow talk I have ever heard?

[shame_on_me]

but you need to know your pu@@y is better? really? in the heat of the moment with the man of your dreams you would ask how your equipment compared to her's?

 

C'mon! that has to be one of the most insecure and competitive pillow talk I have ever heard?

 

 

Hi spark,

 

Erm my exow never said that me i believe the was Ricks lol - just to be clear on that.

[veryhappy]

but you need to know your pu@@y is better? really? in the heat of the moment with the man of your dreams you would ask how your equipment compared to her's?

 

C'mon! that has to be one of the most insecure and competitive pillow talk I have ever heard?

 

I haven't asked that in particular lol, but I did probably say things that would buzz in some of the ears here. It's not competition - at least in my case it wasn't as I knew his W would have done anything else but touch him; the woman was just over and done being physical with him and not just sex.

 

Of course he'll say whatever he has to say in the heat of the moment. Given that an OW is second anyway, the sexual realm is one of the way to claim some priority.

 

exMM offered the info that I was his best sexual partner of all of them, but one never knows when the A fog permeates the p u @ @ y too and it could have been the fog, and not myself in paticular. It doesn't matter anyway at the moment.

 

This discussion brightened my day.

Edited January 11, 2013 by cutedragon

[mitchell]

In the end it seems that the AP let him have anal sex. His wife would never do that deed.

 

A sad state of affairs.

[veryhappy]

In the end it seems that the AP let him have anal sex. His wife would never do that deed.

 

A sad state of affairs.

 

A true measure of A sex is amazing missionary. That's how evil OW work. We make everything brighter.

 

Anal sex...possibly. I sent exMM to his W for it - cruel of me as she wasn't into it either. From what I read and know most times for cheating men it's about restrictions of finishing inside or anywhere on the body, enthusiasm and participation. It's not the olympics, it's not the athletic part of it. As much as porn today is about anal, it's still not as happening in real life.

Edited January 11, 2013 by cutedragon

[Spark1111]

A true measure of A sex is amazing missionary. That's how evil OW work. We make everything brighter.

 

Anal sex...possibly. I sent exMM to his W for it - cruel of me as she wasn't into it either. From what I read and know most times for cheating men it's about restrictions of finishing inside or anywhere on the body, enthusiasm and participation. It's not the olympics, it's not the athletic part of it. As much as porn today is about anal, it's still not as happening in real life.

 

oh, c,mon cute dragon. you speak as if us BSs never had a bf, or gf, never had dopamine spiking limerance where we tore each other's clothes off and just went at it.

 

Because it WASN'T an affair with a bad girl or bad boy, doesn't mean dopamine spiking couldn't run it's course and we woke up one day and said, OMG, we would be horrible together even if the sex was hot, and you know what? We have nothing in common and jeez....I would never want you for a life partner so we need to break up.

 

And I hate the common myth that hot sex wasn't happening in my marriage, cause whAtever lies he told her, that sure wasn't the truth.

 

he just wanted more of it with someone new.

 

hey, not all women like anal. not all men like oral with a woman. Deal with it.

[Spark1111]

Hi spark,

 

Erm my exow never said that me i believe the was Ricks lol - just to be clear on that.

 

I'm very clear. But your OW needed attention for being sexually superior too. PULLEAZE. I'm sure she blew your mind sexually AND THEN you noticed her intelligence, personality, character ( NOT) and integrity.

 

Sorry, SOM, it's the oldest trick in the book.

 

Hmmm,...I wonder how soon she will move on to her next...lover.

 

is it really that easy? a little anal?