Ex contacted me after a year. Went dark again.

[kettleblack]

I shall try to make this brief and sweet (well possibly not sweet...sour potentially?).

 

Background: Broke up with gf 2 years ago. Long distance, my emotional difficulties (not very expressive and negative) and differing views on the direction of our lives caused a great deal of friction. Long story short, she dumped me claiming the classic she loved me but was not "in love". Was a terrible, catastrophic moment for me. We were heading to a break-up but I thought love would win out. So be it.

 

Some brief contact on-and off mainly me apologizing and being very open about my feelings. Eventually decided was going no-where and this mortal coil wasn't getting any longer. Stopped contacting for my sanity.

 

Fast forward a year later to Hanukkah 2012. She gets back in touch, with a relatively long email updating me on her life/family, including pics, says she thinks of me often and sends her love. She says she wants to remain in touch.

 

I respond a week later updating her on the general themes of my life since we last spoke (end of 2011). I am happy that she seems to want me in her life in some capacity. I'm unsure if I want reconciliation however (we still live in different cities and I am seeing people), so my motivations for keeping in touch are a bit murky (even to me!).

 

She replies a week later going into more depth, saying she has dated but hasn't met anyone yet, asking me about my love life, asking other "safe" questions about work/family and saying how the fun stuff I've been up to since the breakup made her sad that she wasn't involved. She is also happy that I have made positive changes to my attitude in life and am going outside my comfort zone.

 

I again respond w/in the week. I ask more follow-up questions and address her questions (I told her I was seeing people but not in a relationship). I don't proclaim any emotions to her but do talk in a quasi-intimate fashion.

 

Its now been 2 weeks and she hasn't responded to my last email. She has a busy hectic job and its not my place to have any expectations in this scenario, and I get this conceptually (if not emotionally) BUT I'd like to stay in touch. She was very special to me and still occupies some place in my heart, a place I'd prefer not to explore too greatly for fear of a Pandora'a box situation.

 

So, any thoughts on her motivation for getting in touch? Pure platonic curiosity? Holiday blues? Testing the waters? She is (at least I remember her to be) a very sincere and open person so I don't suspect conscious manipulation on her part.

 

Do I just bide my time and wait to see if she responds to my email? Can I send her a follow-up one liner with another update? Or should I just continue living my life? I admit, this contact out of the blue has upset my equilibrium a tad...I was doing decent enough (not great but fine) before. Now I'm mulling things again.

 

I am dating this one girl who is pretty, positive and outgoing but my feelings for her are no where near as deep as I suspect they still are for the ex. I need some sense knocked into me. Any advice greatly appreciated interweb counselors!

 

PS We are both in our early 30s. She is 2.5 years older. We were together for just over 2 years.

Edited January 10, 2013 by kettleblack

[Jono85]

I shall try to make this brief and sweet (well possibly not sweet...sour potentially?).

 

Background: Broke up with gf 2 years ago. Long distance, my emotional difficulties (not very expressive and negative) and differing views on the direction of our lives caused a great deal of friction. Long story short, she dumped me claiming the classic she loved me but was not "in love". Was a terrible, catastrophic moment for me. We were heading to a break-up but I thought love would win out. So be it.

 

Some brief contact on-and off mainly me apologizing and being very open about my feelings. Eventually decided was going no-where and this mortal coil wasn't getting any longer. Stopped contacting for my sanity.

 

Fast forward a year later to Hanukkah 2012. She gets back in touch, with a relatively long email updating me on her life/family, including pics, says she thinks of me often and sends her love. She says she wants to remain in touch.

 

I respond a week later updating her on the general themes of my life since we last spoke (end of 2011). I am happy that she seems to want me in her life in some capacity. I'm unsure if I want reconciliation however (we still live in different cities and I am seeing people), so my motivations for keeping in touch are a bit murky (even to me!).

 

She replies a week later going into more depth, saying she has dated but hasn't met anyone yet, asking me about my love life, asking other "safe" questions about work/family and saying how the fun stuff I've been up to since the breakup made her sad that she wasn't involved. She is also happy that I have made positive changes to my attitude in life and am going outside my comfort zone.

 

I again respond w/in the week. I ask more follow-up questions and address her questions (I told her I was seeing people but not in a relationship). I don't proclaim any emotions to her but do talk in a quasi-intimate fashion.

 

Its now been 2 weeks and she hasn't responded to my last email. She has a busy hectic job and its not my place to have any expectations in this scenario, and I get this conceptually (if not emotionally) BUT I'd like to stay in touch. She was very special to me and still occupies some place in my heart, a place I'd prefer not to explore too greatly for fear of a Pandora'a box situation.

 

So, any thoughts on her motivation for getting in touch? Pure platonic curiosity? Holiday blues? Testing the waters? She is (at least I remember her to be) a very sincere and open person so I don't suspect conscious manipulation on her part.

 

Do I just bide my time and wait to see if she responds to my email? Can I send her a follow-up one liner with another update? Or should I just continue living my life? I admit, this contact out of the blue has upset my equilibrium a tad...I was doing decent enough (not great but fine) before. Now I'm mulling things again.

 

I am dating this one girl who is pretty, positive and outgoing but my feelings for her are no where near as deep as I suspect they still are for the ex. I need some sense knocked into me. Any advice greatly appreciated interweb counselors!

 

PS We are both in our early 30s. She is 2.5 years older. We were together for just over 2 years.

 

personally i'd just let it go, even if it hurts not to write her something. for one it's only been 2 weeks and you said the other emails were every week or so, so it hasn't been that long comparitively. that being said, if she just doesn't write back, or you don't hear anything from her for months etc, just ignore the next time she tries to contact you. i don't think anyone can pretend to know why she contacted you, could be many reasons.

[truth_seeker]

She contacted you because she was either going through a dry spell and wanted some attention or she broke up with a guy and needed some affection from a familiar person.

 

I think though she just wanted to see if you would respond and be available to her.

[kettleblack]

Thanks Jono. I suspect no-one can fathom her reasonings, but I am curious to hear from people who had a similar occurrence...or perhaps I should try to stop thinking about it all. Suffice to say if I could do that easily, I would have!

[kettleblack]

Perhaps Truthseeker, although I have my doubts seeing as she was the most transparent, sincere person I'd ever met...to her detriment in many instances. What I mean to say is manipulation or using someone for her own ends wasn't exactly in her MO for the 2 years I knew her.

Edited January 10, 2013 by kettleblack

[Jyoti]

I'm in a similar situation, except our no contact lasted 2 years and my ex is a guy. Almost same story...contact over the holiday period, really long email and my reply was met by silence. Been 16 days now...I feel really bummed because I've waited for this moment for so long and its torture.

 

Hoping others have more insight. I've lurked these forums for some time dealing with the break up but seeing your post made me want to share my pain for the first time.

[hudson701]

Wow... Such long periods of NC and then exs getting back in touch. It's like the stuff of fairytales! I guess if its proper, true love you will always think of your ex and the possibility of reconciliation but I've never experienced it. Would be magical though.

[Jyoti]

That may be hudson, but the op and I don't seem to be experiencing the fairytale. The exs have initiated contact, but their motivations aren't clear and they have gone "dark", though we may be getting antsy over a relatively brief interlude of no messages. I don't know!

[Lone]

The issue that bothers me is that if they havent got in contact for awhile (months, years etc) and you deep down are hoping to get back together... then why ignore them? No one will come flat out and say after long term NC that they want you back. And even if so there is no set rule for this. i know i would test the waters first...

[Jyoti]

So you suggest a wait n see approach by the op and myself Lone? I have no wish to send further messages to see if he replies...but why initiate contact after so long and with so much to say if only to ignore me/us after getting in touch?

[hudson701]

The fact that they're back in touch is remarkable. All the guides here state that once you're past the 3/4 month mark the relationship is dead and buried in the water, zero chance of contact from the ex.

 

Bide your time and wait. All good things come to those who wait.

[kettleblack]

Thx for keeping this thread going Jyoti! I'm sorry (happy?) you find yourself in a similar predicament to myself. Let me know if you have any queries specifically for me as someone undergoing your dilemma.

 

I appreciate hudson's response. However, as a caution to Jyoti, myself and anyone else in a similar situation, I would highlight Jono's statement. Ultimately we are completely ignorant as to why our exs reappeared. I certainly have done myself no favors considering why. All we can do while remaining sane is to proceed on with our lives as we did during NC, including seeing other people. Cant put our lives on hold for theories. If our exs are sincere about continuing communication to whatever end, they'll be back in touch...I assume.

 

I may send a prompt in a week though...one line...on the off chance she missed my reply. Then Ive done all I can or am willing to do...

[Jyoti]

Hi OP. Yea, I agree that we can't put our lives on hold, esp. after the amount of time that has elapsed since we last spoke to our exs (me 2 years/you 1), but unlike you I'm not dating at the moment (was a few months ago but haven't since) and I KNOW FOR SURE I want to get back with my ex. He was my first "true" love. We met in college but the relationship endured some challenges after (career/family issues) until we broke up a year and 8 months after graduation. I've carried a torch for him all this time.

 

So unfortunately I am obsessing at the moment. Why would he send me a 1,000 word email and then just not follow-up? I may try your approach n a few more days if he doesn't reply and send a one-liner to see if he responds. This is eating me inside :-(

[Sugarkane]

If they want you they know where to find you. But why take years? Sounds like breadcrumbs. It's a bit rich contacting after Years. A dumpee would get laughed at and called desperate.

[kettleblack]

In my case: Not entirely certain initiation of contact after a year of NC is all that long. When a relationship that at one point was thought to be heading to marriage breaks up its devastating for both parties and it can take time to internalize the pain and experience life beyond the relationship, to date others and to crystalize your feelings for the ex. Having said that, I would never counsel waiting desperately with bated breath. Although the heart wants what it wants as evidenced by Jyoti.

 

I've been dating and had a brief relationship...but the return of the ex has admittedly made me mull everything again. Can't help it.

[truth_seeker]

Perhaps Truthseeker, although I have my doubts seeing as she was the most transparent, sincere person I'd ever met...to her detriment in many instances. What I mean to say is manipulation or using someone for her own ends wasn't exactly in her MO for the 2 years I knew her.

 

Maybe she realized after being away from you, and being with other men, that you're the man for her? Sometimes you don't realize how good a person is until they are no longer around.

[Jyoti]

Any words for me truth? In a case where an ex returns from no where, engages with you in a long winded email expressing all aspects of their life and saying they miss you, but don't respond to the reply do I just try to maintain self respect and wait or do I try to coax a response? Its been 2 years of NC and I don't want to miss this chance due to ego. Its only been just over 2 weeks but that's quite awhile for an email! I also worry he may have, however remote the possibility, missed my email...

Edited January 11, 2013 by Jyoti

[Jono85]

In my case: Not entirely certain initiation of contact after a year of NC is all that long. When a relationship that at one point was thought to be heading to marriage breaks up its devastating for both parties and it can take time to internalize the pain and experience life beyond the relationship, to date others and to crystalize your feelings for the ex. Having said that, I would never counsel waiting desperately with bated breath. Although the heart wants what it wants as evidenced by Jyoti.

 

I've been dating and had a brief relationship...but the return of the ex has admittedly made me mull everything again. Can't help it.

 

can you expand on this? i actually just made a thread on this topic, b/c i'm struggling to keep any hope for ever accepting my ex back, IF she decides to come back..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366851-when-dumper-gives-up-dates-other-ppl-then-comes-back

 

 

would love to hear some of your opinions in my thread, cuz seems like u guys could be faced with such a decision.

[listen_to_me_please]

Hello,

The same thing sort of happen to me, like with you sort of.

 

NC for 3 years, I get a random facebook.

Small talk, small talk.

No contact about a month.

I contacted her later asking for her phone number

No response

I contacted her again, "Give me your phone number"

She gives it to me, we chat on the phone.

Few months later, I randomly sent her facebook message cussing her out

No contact for few months

I wish her a happy New Years

She responds, says because I cussed her out, she don't think we can be cool.

I say she is twoface.

NO contact for 2 months

She contacts me 2 months later on facebook asking me for something.

I tell her where to buy it

5 days later she says If i could sell it to her for a lesser price to her to save her money.

I told her nope.

 

No contact after that, and also I got closure.

 

Its almost as if she was seeing if I was there so she could ask me for things. Almost as if she remembers I use to provide for her.....

 

Not sure what her intentions were, only a female could answer that question.

Edited January 11, 2013 by listen_to_me_please

[truth_seeker]

Any words for me truth? In a case where an ex returns from no where, engages with you in a long winded email expressing all aspects of their life and saying they miss you, but don't respond to the reply do I just try to maintain self respect and wait or do I try to coax a response? Its been 2 years of NC and I don't want to miss this chance due to ego. Its only been just over 2 weeks but that's quite awhile for an email! I also worry he may have, however remote the possibility, missed my email...

 

If you can put your ego aside, why not a phone call? If you can call, I suggest doing that and being direct with him over the phone.

 

If you can't do the phone call, write a closure email. Just put your feelings out there and tell him you would like to reconnect but you will not wait either. If you don't hear from him, then you close the door on him no matter what. Even if he contacts you a month later with an excuse as to why he's responding so late. It only means he's playing games and is keeping you as an option NOT a priority.

[stillafool]

I don't think she contacted you because she is seeking attention or needing affection due to a dry spell. She more than likely contacted you to see how you were doing and to update you on her life. Basically being friendly. I think you should let it go and not contact her because she is not trying to get back together with you.

[truth_seeker]

She more than likely contacted you to see how you were doing and to update you on her life. Basically being friendly.

 

I respectfully disagree. She would like him to think she is just being friendly but all she is doing is snooping without trying to get caught.

[stillafool]

How can this be labeled snooping when they won't even get back in touch with OP. Snooping is done in secret. I don't see anything done in secret here.

[truth_seeker]

How can this be labeled snooping when they won't even get back in touch with OP. Snooping is done in secret. I don't see anything done in secret here.

 

Snooping doesn't have to be in secret. It can be done just by having a hidden agenda. She acts like she is getting in touch to be friendly, but in reality she just wants to know what he's up to while not letting on.

[stillafool]

But she also was letting him know what is going on in her life. That to me is just being friendly not trying to bait him in any way. I think you are reading more into it than it actually is and it's this kind of thinking that keeps a person holding on. Not healthy IMHO.