Extremely insecure after being cheated on by my ex-girlfriend

[Stimulant]

I have an extremely unhealthy & distorted view of relationships. It's really taken its toll on my life. They say that gray hair is merely genetic and has no ability to appear based on stress, but I can't help but disagree as I'm only a 21-year-old male and I have copious amounts of gray to surface -- out of nowhere -- over the course of the last year.

 

So, I recognize my thoughts & feelings as being unstable, irrational and absolutely unhealthy. Now I need to get over it all, regain my confidence and become the cool & collected individual I used to be.

 

Long story short... the girl that professed that she wanted to marry me, 'make babies' with me and spend the rest of her life with me... cheated on me. Nothing new about this in terms of people in general. It's happened to plenty of guys before me and will happen to just as many in the future. It's life. She up and cheated on me and left me without saying a word. Minimal contact. When I finally received closure, it didn't change anything.

 

That was nearly two years ago, though. And I've been bitter, angry, sad and INSECURE ever since! I hide the insecurities, but deep down I lack every bit of confidence in myself. I doubt myself on a daily basis. I blame myself for her cheating on me... I blame myself for ruining the relationship. I feel like I wasn't good enough and that's why she screwed me over... that's why she's moved on in her life WITHOUT ANY REMORSE for what she did to me. This is unhealthy behavior.

 

I can't stand it. It's almost been two years. I've become distant with girls I've met over the last couple of years because I have god awful trust issues (and again, the lack of confidence/insecurities) and I'm scared to death of getting close to them for fear of the same crap happening again and thus rekindling the insecurities.

 

I need to fix myself before I ever even THINK about getting into another relationship.

 

1.) How do I get over her and what she did to me? How do I accept that she wasn't worthy of my time or love, in the end, and that I deserve better?

 

2.) How do I regain my confidence and deface my insecurities? How do I get over being cheated on? It's destroying me. Like I said, it's been almost two years, and I think about it every day. The pain is ever-present.

 

Tips and advice would be more appreciated than any of you know!! Especially from anybody older than me, with experience. Thanks!

[aed]

I have an extremely unhealthy & distorted view of relationships. It's really taken its toll on my life. They say that gray hair is merely genetic and has no ability to appear based on stress, but I can't help but disagree as I'm only a 21-year-old male and I have copious amounts of gray to surface -- out of nowhere -- over the course of the last year.

 

 

 

So, I recognize my thoughts & feelings as being unstable, irrational and absolutely unhealthy. Now I need to get over it all, regain my confidence and become the cool & collected individual I used to be.

 

Long story short... the girl that professed that she wanted to marry me, 'make babies' with me and spend the rest of her life with me... cheated on me. Nothing new about this in terms of people in general. It's happened to plenty of guys before me and will happen to just as many in the future. It's life. She up and cheated on me and left me without saying a word. Minimal contact. When I finally received closure, it didn't change anything.

 

That was nearly two years ago, though. And I've been bitter, angry, sad and INSECURE ever since! I hide the insecurities, but deep down I lack every bit of confidence in myself. I doubt myself on a daily basis. I blame myself for her cheating on me... I blame myself for ruining the relationship. I feel like I wasn't good enough and that's why she screwed me over... that's why she's moved on in her life WITHOUT ANY REMORSE for what she did to me. This is unhealthy behavior.

 

I can't stand it. It's almost been two years. I've become distant with girls I've met over the last couple of years because I have god awful trust issues (and again, the lack of confidence/insecurities) and I'm scared to death of getting close to them for fear of the same crap happening again and thus rekindling the insecurities.

 

I need to fix myself before I ever even THINK about getting into another relationship.

 

1.) How do I get over her and what she did to me? How do I accept that she wasn't worthy of my time or love, in the end, and that I deserve better?

 

2.) How do I regain my confidence and deface my insecurities? How do I get over being cheated on? It's destroying me. Like I said, it's been almost two years, and I think about it every day. The pain is ever-present.

 

Tips and advice would be more appreciated than any of you know!! Especially from anybody older than me, with experience. Thanks!

 

Dealing with infidelity is always hard even when you find out 2 years after the break up/

 

 

1) accept that it's not own you and only on your ex and the decisions she made herself!!!

2) most people dont cheat!

 

3) again it's all on your ex! it got nothing to do with you!

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds terrible.

 

You have to really understand that it's not about you - it's about her. I've been dating and having relationships for 20 years, and I've never cheated on anyone and never will. It doesn't matter who I'm with. I just don't cheat.

 

And this woman probably would have cheated on anyone. That's just who she is.

 

It sounds like you need to focus on building your self-esteem. I think the best way to do that is to do things you enjoy and are good at, and associate with people who value you and affirm your worth.

[SleeplessRomantic]

Being cheated on by somebody that you love, somebody that you thought loved you back just as much, is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can attest to that, so I similarly know how you feel. Not exactly how you feel (don't let anybody tell you they know exactly how you feel), but similarly.

 

Realize that she is one girl. One female in this world. That's it. There's no need to put her up on a pedestal and think that she cheated on you just to do better. She sounds careless to do that to you, and for one, it's a good thing that you will know, as you move on, that you don't have to worry about her being the one that got away since there would be no benefits to having a person like that in your life in the future if she's a liar and a cheater.

 

Yes, I said a good thing. I hope you will see it that way as the years roll by.

 

How to build up your self-esteem and confidence again? I agree with the poster that said do things that you enjoy and are good at. Stop focusing on relationships and think about what you like in life outside of women. What were you doing when you met this girl? I bet you weren't going crazy and feeling insecure back then. Think back to why you used to be confident in the first place.

[Stimulant]

Dealing with infidelity is always hard even when you find out 2 years after the break up/

 

 

1) accept that it's not own you and only on your ex and the decisions she made herself!!!

2) most people dont cheat!

 

3) again it's all on your ex! it got nothing to do with you!

I guess I might have accidentally implied that I found out two years ago. If I did, I apologize. What I meant was that I found out two years ago, around the time of the breakup, and it's scarred me for the entire time since, in terms of being bitter, depressed, angry and insecure.

 

Thanks for the reply. I wonder if she ever cheated on the new guy(s)? I loved her, and did more for her, than they ever will.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds terrible.

 

You have to really understand that it's not about you - it's about her. I've been dating and having relationships for 20 years, and I've never cheated on anyone and never will. It doesn't matter who I'm with. I just don't cheat.

 

And this woman probably would have cheated on anyone. That's just who she is.

 

It sounds like you need to focus on building your self-esteem. I think the best way to do that is to do things you enjoy and are good at, and associate with people who value you and affirm your worth.

Thanks for replying. That's what I've been (admittedly half-assedly) attempting to do as of late. Slowly but surely. But I keep thinking about her. And I haven't been thinking about the bad times. More of the good times. Shortly thereafter, I think of what she did to me and it sticks to my mind like glue. Keeping myself busy works, until there's a quiet moment, then she and her actions are on my mind again. It's a curse, in a way, considering that I'm the type of person that loves alone/quiet time.

 

 

Being cheated on by somebody that you love, somebody that you thought loved you back just as much, is one of the worst feelings in the world. I can attest to that, so I similarly know how you feel. Not exactly how you feel (don't let anybody tell you they know exactly how you feel), but similarly.

 

Realize that she is one girl. One female in this world. That's it. There's no need to put her up on a pedestal and think that she cheated on you just to do better. She sounds careless to do that to you, and for one, it's a good thing that you will know, as you move on, that you don't have to worry about her being the one that got away since there would be no benefits to having a person like that in your life in the future if she's a liar and a cheater.

 

Yes, I said a good thing. I hope you will see it that way as the years roll by.

 

How to build up your self-esteem and confidence again? I agree with the poster that said do things that you enjoy and are good at. Stop focusing on relationships and think about what you like in life outside of women. What were you doing when you met this girl? I bet you weren't going crazy and feeling insecure back then. Think back to why you used to be confident in the first place.

Thanks for replying. Yep, one girl in the world, but one that I thought I'd be with forever given her plea-like statements of loving me forever, 'never having a desire to hurt me', 'always gonna be there for me', etc.

 

That's the biggest thing that has F'ed up my confidence and self-esteem. The fact that she was able to feed me all those lies, me... someone who undoubtedly LOVED her more than anybody else did (or will), and after multiple years in a relationship, she decides to pick up the board game and throw it away, so to say. She ripped my heart out, threw it on the ground and stomped on it without any remorse.

 

How in the world can you f**k over somebody that loves and cares about you with all of their heart, and just move on without remorse? That's what has hurt me and likely has deigned my self-esteem/confidence the most. Remnants of feeling worthless has come from that.

[aed]

I guess I might have accidentally implied that I found out two years ago. If I did, I apologize. What I meant was that I found out two years ago, around the time of the breakup, and it's scarred me for the entire time since, in terms of being bitter, depressed, angry and insecure.

 

.

 

 

my comment still aplies: it has nothing to do with you!

[jcd07]

I'm not sure if it helps, but the same thing happened to me recently. My GF of 3 and a half years broke up with me, right before Christmas. She cheated, left in hopes to be with that guy, it was all quick, no explanations, no closure, no nothing. Just a lame "I cheated on you and I don't feel bad at all, do you understand how little I care about you?"

 

Now I did talk to her a couple of times after that since she had to come pick up her stuff. Not the slightest feeling of remorse, apology or regret. She just moved on without giving a damn and never said she was even remotely sorry for what she did or how it ended. She even said she doubts that she ever loved me. It's frightening how a girl can change like that. I'm losing all hope, seriously.

[CainJ]

You got burned by a dirty, little, lying, cheating slut. Happens to the best of us at least once, unfortunately. Live and learn. Build your self-esteem and confidence back up by accepting the fact that her being a whore had nothing to do with you. Accept that you are better than her and deserve better than her. Accept the absolute fact that there are a horde of girls out there that won't cheat and will appreciate you.

[VirileEntity]

Don't analyze or even attempt to understand women... simply live to enjoy your life on your own and just have a good time.

 

The right one will come around in due time, but no need to try to force it or go looking for it (unless you're really desperate to settle down). Until then, meet a VARIETY of girls.

 

Girls are the flakiest creatures on Earth (especially the ones you'll meet at a bar or club). They have tons of options and have no need to settle down or narrow their scope to one guy, and it has nothing to do with you. You simply need to adopt the same mindset, there are tons of girls out there for you to smash as well and no need to narrow your scope either. So if one gets flaky or weird use it as an opportunity to say NEXT and move on.

 

The true key to victory will be in your ability to detach yourself mentally from these girls. You have to realize they are nothing special and very easily replaceable, which is indeed true, and if it doesn't work out with some girl it's really no big deal at all. Eventually one will come along that is truly interested (that you're into) and it'll probably be quite obvious, but until then just enjoy the ride.

Edited January 12, 2013 by VirileEntity

[Stimulant]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I made the mistake of falling in love with a whore and got burned. Great. She wasn't a liar or cheater in the beginning or the first year or two.

[VirileEntity]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I made the mistake of falling in love with a whore and got burned. Great. She wasn't a liar or cheater in the beginning or the first year or two.

 

You didn't make a 'mistake' of 'falling in love' with a 'whore'. Again, you are being way too hard on yourself. You can't help who you fall in love with, first and foremost. And as you said, she didn't display any of these lying, promiscuous features during the first 'year or two', so again, you didn't 'fall in love' with a 'whore'. Nothing you could have done would have stopped her from turning into one, though. That's her problems, though. Her screwed up psyche. Let the next guy(s) deal with it and enjoy life!

[loversquarrel]

First of all, learn from it. Now you are only 21 and this happened 2 yrs. ago??? Buddy, take it easy on yourself....you are way young to be having those recurring thoughts over a girlfriend that ****ed you over.

 

Start reframing your thoughts - be thankful you weren't married or had kids with this person. There are people on this site that have made it through being cheated on while being married with kids (me). 17 yrs. of my life gone down the ****ter....but you know what? I got divorced, therapy, dated, and found a woman who showed me what true love really is all about. She is also younger and far more attractive than my ex, so A+++ for me!

 

You are a young man, go out with your friends, work out, work on your career, etc. GET SOME CONFIDENCE. Good, confident women are attracted to confident guys. When the right woman comes along, you will find that falling into that bucket of ****, you came out smellin' like a rose.

[Stimulant]

First of all, learn from it. Now you are only 21 and this happened 2 yrs. ago??? Buddy, take it easy on yourself....you are way young to be having those recurring thoughts over a girlfriend that ****ed you over.

 

Start reframing your thoughts - be thankful you weren't married or had kids with this person. There are people on this site that have made it through being cheated on while being married with kids (me). 17 yrs. of my life gone down the ****ter....but you know what? I got divorced, therapy, dated, and found a woman who showed me what true love really is all about. She is also younger and far more attractive than my ex, so A+++ for me!

 

You are a young man, go out with your friends, work out, work on your career, etc. GET SOME CONFIDENCE. Good, confident women are attracted to confident guys. When the right woman comes along, you will find that falling into that bucket of ****, you came out smellin' like a rose.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!

 

If I may ask, how messed up was your confidence and self-esteem after being cheated on?

 

I know I CAN do it. I just hate the memories and nostalgia. I just have to keep my mind busy as much as possible.

[CainJ]

Again, you live and you learn. The good memories are nice, but there's no need to clutch onto them forever. Briefly remember what she did, accept what happened and THINK about the world of opportunities there are for YOU out there in life. Learn to be a little bit more selfish and into yourself. You need to, at this juncture. You are a young guy and should be at the peak of your life in terms of testosterone levels and potential (subjective), yet these last two years have been futile and a waste of time because you've spent it thinking about her and what she did, which is useless in and of itself because a human being like that DOES NOT deserve ANY attention after she reprehensibly hurt somebody that loved her.

 

Get it? GREAT! No? Then I don't know why, man.

[VirileEntity]

I know I CAN do it. I just hate the memories and nostalgia. I just have to keep my mind busy as much as possible.

Memories and nostalgia, huh? They happened. In the past. That's what you need to learn to accept. It was the past, and you must get over the past. It happened and it's over, and that's that. It won't happen again with the same girl. She's moved on, and you should too, for the better.

[Mantha03]

When someone treats you badly you should not be ashamed of yourself, it is they who ought to be ashamed. It hurt enough to be deceived but don't punish yourself. Build your confidence by first deciding why it is that you didn't feel you were good enough. Then find a way to change that thing or improve. For example maybe working out, changing your style, start educating yourself, strive to succeed in the workplace, maybe work on some part of your personality maybe your too blunt or too shy. To be truly happy you have to try to trust again, give it a chance. You can't deny yourself happiness or take it out on all women because one person betrayed you. Not every woman is going to do you wrong and don't take it out on those who have come after you may just miss out on a good thing. Have a fearless heart.