Aaaarrrggghhhhh !!!!!!

[spaniard]

Well, it's not my job the protect Tara (as if she needs any protection), but it is you who has a problem here, not her.

 

I was dumped by the most amazing girl I ever knew 6-7 months ago, and I still don't know the reason (well, probably she just fell out of love). It took me a terrible amount of hard work to get over her. I had to find new hobbies to fill the emptiness she caused when she left me. But I did my best, I put enormous effort in my recovery. I started to work out harder than ever, join a skydiver course, I worked at my job more than ever before. One week after she had broken up with me, we exchange our stuffs (all stuffs) and I went into full NC and never contacted her again (she did a few times, but I always replied something short and polite, and totally "unrepliable".) I dunno, maybe she is with someone else now, I don't care and honestly, it's none of my business. Just like the life of your ex is none of your business.

 

It's probably my fault that I pity those people who instead of trying hard to move on, insult those who want to help them by being straightforward and blame their exes for everything bad. I have always found Tara's posts extremely helpful even when those posts were addressed to someone else. I think instead of attacking on her, maybe you should just do what she says. Because your way clearly does not work. Her way might work, if you put effort in it.

 

I think if you had really needed that stuff worth Ł4000, you would have been recollected it. Why didn't you do it? Maybe because this is the last link between you and your ex. Which is not healthy at all.

 

I think you should leave that poor girl and his new supernatural boyfriend alone and do something with your life apart from crying hard and blaming your ex for everything. According to you, you are unreliable, physically weak, broken etc etc. You have plenty of room for self-improvement.

Edited January 12, 2013 by spaniard

[Zammo25]

No you are absolutely right of course. The break up was 100% down to me, poor girl as you said, getting involved in me at all, what was she thinking ? No you are right she is far better off with the new man, good for her. I have left her alone btw since they got toegther and just e mailed re my possessions and wished them well. Still, you are right, she is entitled to them now as this is the moral compass, **** the ex. Thanks for putting me right. You do sound an incredible Man though. A Superstar. I wish I was more like you.

[spaniard]

I never wrote the break up was 100% down to you, why are you replying to something I didn't say? Where did I say anything about her getting involved in you? You really like to victimize yourself, don't you?

 

Well, the fact that your stuff is at her place is only your fault. If you had really wanted to get them back, it wouldn't be a problem now, six months later.

 

No, I'm not an incredible man, just a man. You can be cynical, aggressive or whatever you want, but it's you who has made zero progress since the break-up, not me. I was a sobbing, begging wreck after a break-up that happened 5 years ago. I learnt the lesson, that's all. And I came to this forum to take advice on how to move on. Too bad some people are just obsessed with their exes instead of focusing on moving on.

[Zammo25]

I never wrote the break up was 100% down to you, why are you replying to something I didn't say? Where did I say anything about her getting involved in you? You really like to victimize yourself, don't you?

 

Well, the fact that your stuff is at her place is only your fault. If you had really wanted to get them back, it wouldn't be a problem now, six months later.

 

No, I'm not an incredible man, just a man. You can be cynical, aggressive or whatever you want, but it's you who has made zero progress since the break-up, not me. I was a sobbing, begging wreck after a break-up that happened 5 years ago. I learnt the lesson, that's all. And I came to this forum to take advice on how to move on. Too bad some people are just obsessed with their exes instead of focusing on moving on.

 

I am moving on and her behaviour over all this is helping as she is not the perfect person I thought she was. She is welcome to the new guy. I hope they will be very happy. Regarding my posessions we will disagree as I don't think belongings become someone elses do to a timeframe. I will write them off as it says everything about her she has done this. You know about 1% of what I have gone through in recent years and 1% of what I have achieved in my life.

[TaraMaiden]

Zammo, why are you being so hostile?

Do you really want everyone to agree with you?

Dop you need constant cossetting and approval?

do you want an army to help you fight your hopeless battle?

 

You're taking out your anger on the wrong people.... Honestly, I can't figure it - there are several menfolk on this forum, currently, who seem to just be losing the plot, and it's so sad, because really, the solutions are not to just fire off at a loose cannon at anyone who comes within your sights - but to stop and consider whether, acutually, dammit, they might have a point.

Here's an extract of a PM I received this morning.

 

Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

 

Originally Posted byTaraMaiden

If she told you some time that something needed sorting, then believe me, this was on her mind a good long while before that. This is something that has been suffocating her for a long time.

Therefore, you can probably safely bet that she's been unhappy for some considerable time, and 'checked out' long ago. Maybe a lot longer ago than you think.

...

 

I hate to say it, but begging, pleading, focussing on the good times, what a wonderful marriage it is - will do nothing to help. In fact, perversely, it will probably have the completely opposite effect.

 

I hate to be the harbinger of doom, but it's time to consult a legal adviser.

This is done and dusted.

 

Originally Posted by Anonymous

When I read your response above I was shocked, but as it turns out I believe you were spot on. There is a robot in place of my GF, it's like we never had Anything in all those years. I have always said you reap what you sow, well with her I did not sow enough to make it. Shock is what I have from family and friends.

You do help so many people and are appreciated on this site.

 

Originally Posted byTaraMaiden

I don't suppose it's any consolation at all, but I really hate being so right, so often.

it gives me no joy to be proven correct in these matters.

 

I get a certain degree of flak from some members for being pretty blunt and hitting the nail on the head... they almost resent the certainty they fear to face, themselves.

 

I dislike the feeling of being spot-on.

 

I'm sorry for your grief.

you really do need to almost try to shrug off this emotional burden like an uncomfortable and stifling coat in high mid-summer - and get practical.

 

You have every right to mourn and grieve - but you have to deal with all the 'technical necessary business' first.

Time enough later, to reflect and mull over things.....

 

This is precisely the scenario you find yourself in.

You are in so much pain, you're lashing out at the very people who are trying desperately to help you. But you don't see that. All you see are people who you perceive as being intent on thwarting your every intention.

But your intentions are driven by your rage, anger, resentment and stress - all of which, sadly, serve to perpetuate themselves and keep you stuck where you are;

In a hellish limbo of your own making.

You need to break this cycle, because it serves no purpose and is self-destructive...

 

And it's absolutely true.

I really DO hate being right.... But it's people like you, who make me right.

[Zammo25]

Zammo, why are you being so hostile?

Do you really want everyone to agree with you?

Dop you need constant cossetting and approval?

do you want an army to help you fight your hopeless battle?

 

You're taking out your anger on the wrong people.... Honestly, I can't figure it - there are several menfolk on this forum, currently, who seem to just be losing the plot, and it's so sad, because really, the solutions are not to just fire off at a loose cannon at anyone who comes within your sights - but to stop and consider whether, acutually, dammit, they might have a point.

Here's an extract of a PM I received this morning.

 

Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

 

 

 

This is precisely the scenario you find yourself in.

You are in so much pain, you're lashing out at the very people who are trying desperately to help you. But you don't see that. All you see are people who you perceive as being intent on thwarting your every intention.

But your intentions are driven by your rage, anger, resentment and stress - all of which, sadly, serve to perpetuate themselves and keep you stuck where you are;

In a hellish limbo of your own making.

You need to break this cycle, because it serves no purpose and is self-destructive...

 

And it's absolutely true.

I really DO hate being right.... But it's people like you, who make me right.

 

Well done again. I thought this was a site of support. Obviously I was wrong. It is a site for other people to make themselves feel better with an overwhelming superiority complex like you and Spaniard. I thank the others for their input however and at least trying to see it from my point of view.

[TaraMaiden]

If others see it your way, it still doesn't necessarily make you right.

 

You're a bit like the Emperor, with your new clothes.

Spaniard and I are the 'little boys' pointing out the naked truth.

 

And it just doesn't sit well with you, because obviously it's not what you want to hear.

What you want, is for people to agree with your Point of View.

That's what you like, and that's what you're grateful for....

 

And that will get you nowhere.

Just as a company Director with too many 'yes men' will ultimately see his empire crumble, so is it important to consider a wider perspective.

 

Stop, think, listen, consider, evaluate, weigh up.

 

And think about which way is bringing you better results.

[Zammo25]

If others see it your way, it still doesn't necessarily make you right.

 

You're a bit like the Emperor, with your new clothes.

Spaniard and I are the 'little boys' pointing out the naked truth.

 

And it just doesn't sit well with you, because obviously it's not what you want to hear.

What you want, is for people to agree with your Point of View.

That's what you like, and that's what you're grateful for....

 

And that will get you nowhere.

Just as a company Director with too many 'yes men' will ultimately see his empire crumble, so is it important to consider a wider perspective.

 

Stop, think, listen, consider, evaluate, weigh up.

 

And think about which way is bringing you better results.

 

This thread is about my possessions. You are over keen to beat me up and tell me how wrong I am. You really do not have a good word to say. So please stop as your pleasure at abusing people is not a very nice trait.

[TaraMaiden]

OK Zammo.

 

I did post further up (post #48) on the legalities of retrieving this property.

 

And you also need to be cautious, because how you approach her could be viewed as harassment.

I have done some research, particularly as I'm married to a solicitor.

 

But as for the rest, I leave you to it.

I wish you luck, and will continue watching your threads with interest, and not a little sadness.

[Zammo25]

OK Zammo.

 

I did post further up (post #48) on the legalities of retrieving this property.

 

And you also need to be cautious, because how you approach her could be viewed as harassment.

I have done some research, particularly as I'm married to a solicitor.

 

But as for the rest, I leave you to it.

I wish you luck, and will continue watching your threads with interest, and not a little sadness.

 

I have sent one e mail. How is this harrassment ? It seems you think she is right on this. Well I disagree. I left it to her to return my items as she promised and she has not. I am surprised the most by how people on here seem to think this is right and she in entitled to do this. I would not do this, I would return someone else's possessions in a civil manner as I have something called a conscience. Still it has helped me to see her in a new light now so maybe losing these possessions was what I needed to move on completely.

[TaraMaiden]

I have sent one e mail. How is this harrassment ?

 

Please read this again:

 

Herein lies the problem:

Strictly speaking within the Law, you may have left it too long to retrieve your property.

 

You would first have to demonstrate that you took all reasonable steps to regain the items: Phone calls, texts, letters, engaging legal services....

 

It seems you think she is right on this. Well I disagree.

 

We're not the ones who need convincing.

She is.

And if you can't convince her to return the items you want, it may all go pear-shaped....

 

I left it to her to return my items as she promised and she has not. I am surprised the most by how people on here seem to think this is right and she in entitled to do this. I would not do this, I would return someone else's possessions in a civil manner as I have something called a conscience. Still it has helped me to see her in a new light now so maybe losing these possessions was what I needed to move on completely.

 

I haven't said she is right, neither have I agreed with her principle.

But when you look at her actions in general, I'm surprised this shocks you.

 

She has already revealed her colours to you in what she did - why should her attitude in this case be any different?

 

The PRACTICAL problem, from a point of Law, is that you may have left it too long, and done too little to persuade any legal body that you are entitled to the return of the items you want.

From an EMOTIONAL point of view, you are leaving yourself open to her ridicule, abuse and hostility, and downright refusal to engage with you on any respectful level of dialogue - which will only serve to hurt you more.

 

You appear to be blurring the edges between what you feel you are legally entitled to, and how you feel she should emotionally respond.

 

But both avenues seem to be dead ends - so what are you really hoping to achieve here?

[Zammo25]

Please read this again:

 

 

 

 

 

We're not the ones who need convincing.

She is.

And if you can't convince her to return the items you want, it may all go pear-shaped....

 

 

 

I haven't said she is right, neither have I agreed with her principle.

But when you look at her actions in general, I'm surprised this shocks you.

 

She has already revealed her colours to you in what she did - why should her attitude in this case be any different?

 

The PRACTICAL problem, from a point of Law, is that you may have left it too long, and done too little to persuade any legal body that you are entitled to the return of the items you want.

From an EMOTIONAL point of view, you are leaving yourself open to her ridicule, abuse and hostility, and downright refusal to engage with you on any respectful level of dialogue - which will only serve to hurt you more.

 

You appear to be blurring the edges between what you feel you are legally entitled to, and how you feel she should emotionally respond.

 

But both avenues seem to be dead ends - so what are you really hoping to achieve here?

 

Nothing. I have given up the items and will leave it to her. So they are lost. That's it, end of story. Nothing to see here now. I am shocked at how many people take her side in this. I will never agree. This is not something I would ever do. But then I am a decent human being. I have left her to it now. Maybe legally you are right " possession is 9/10 of the law ", left it too late. It just shows up her true colours I guess, she is not the same person I met anymore. I have let her go and my possessions.

[TaraMaiden]

I have - absolutely HAVE to repeat - I am NOT taking her side in this - !!

 

I'm merely trying to demonstrate the futility of pursuing this matter, either Legally OR Emotionally.

Legally, it's doubtful you actually have a case, because of the events that have transpired since you broke up and the time that has passed.

 

Emotionally, it will merely serve to hurtle you back and beyond square one.

There is madness, frustration and vexation whichever route you take - and I advise AGAINST either of them.

 

This does NOT mean I have "taken her side".

 

If anything, I'm trying to preserve your position.

 

Can you honestly NOT see that?

[spaniard]

I decided not to post here anymore, but this is just getting ridiculous.

"I am shocked at how many people take her side in this."

 

NOONE takes her side in this. Tara tried to point out that there could be some legal problems in retrieving your stuff.

 

You should seek professional help, because your reaction are extremely hostile to the people here.

[Jingle14]

There is nothing worse than being ignored. It's one of the most disrespectful things I have ever experienced

 

You are absolutely right! It is disrespectful, is Not bloody isn't it - who the Hell do these arrogant bastards think they are! Not bloody well worth our time, that's for sure! The OP has every right to be angry, this woman has, in effect, stolen his property.

[Zammo25]

You are absolutely right! It is disrespectful, is Not bloody isn't it - who the Hell do these arrogant bastards think they are! Not bloody well worth our time, that's for sure! The OP has every right to be angry, this woman has, in effect, stolen his property.

 

Thanks Jingle I was beginning to think I was going nuts as everyone seems to think I am in the wrong here for politely asking for my property back and £ 4000 is a lot of worth to me at the moment. Everyone has battered me making me out to be in the wrong. Quite bizarre.

[Jingle14]

Thanks Jingle I was beginning to think I was going nuts as everyone seems to think I am in the wrong here for politely asking for my property back and £ 4000 is a lot of worth to me at the moment. Everyone has battered me making me out to be in the wrong. Quite bizarre.

 

As you said, this is supposed to be a support forum and not a place for judgemental and harsh comments. You can get 'tough love' from close friends and family, here is where you come for a bit of support from people supposedly in the same boat. Not necessarily saying they should all agree but a kinder approach - especially when people don't know you or your circumstances - might be a little more helpful.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Jingle I was beginning to think I was going nuts as everyone seems to think I am in the wrong here for politely asking for my property back and £ 4000 is a lot of worth to me at the moment. Everyone has battered me making me to be in the wrong. Quite bizarre.

 

Nothing better than this to show how illogical your thinking has been.

 

"Everyone"...?

You mean, just Spaniard and me?

 

I never said you were wrong, I said you were thinking from two aspects which came from opposite ends of the spectrum, both of which would have been ineffective.

I never said you were wrong about it....

 

 

Now you really are exaggerating and playing the victim.

That statement is so sweeping, it makes a Zamboni look like a nailbrush....

[Zammo25]

Nothing better than this to show how illogical your thinking has been.

 

"Everyone"...?

You mean, just Spaniard and me?

 

I never said you were wrong, I said you were thinking from two aspects which came from opposite ends of the spectrum, both of which would have been ineffective.

I never said you were wrong about it....

 

 

Now you really are exaggerating and playing the victim.

That statement is so sweeping, it makes a Zamboni look like a nailbrush....

 

You like to stick the knife in. Where am I playing the victim ?

[Zammo25]

As you said, this is supposed to be a support forum and not a place for judgemental and harsh comments. You can get 'tough love' from close friends and family, here is where you come for a bit of support from people supposedly in the same boat. Not necessarily saying they should all agree but a kinder approach - especially when people don't know you or your circumstances - might be a little more helpful.

 

You don't get support here really. Well a few kindly people like you who can empathise but mainly it seems to be " you got what you deserved as you believed someone when they said they would return your property and now it is too late, tough sh*t stop playing the victim ". Very odd.

[TaraMaiden]

As you said, this is supposed to be a support forum and not a place for judgemental and harsh comments. You can get 'tough love' from close friends and family, here is where you come for a bit of support from people supposedly in the same boat. Not necessarily saying they should all agree but a kinder approach - especially when people don't know you or your circumstances - might be a little more helpful.

 

 

However, when neither approach seems to be working, you wonder just what zammo WILL pay attention to.

Originally, he was very pleased to get input from me.

As time has worn on, he seems less and less inclined to try to heal and move on.

It's tragic but it seems no amount of either kindness or kicking in the rump is having any effect.

And I feel desperately sad for that.

 

What would you advise Zammo to do, right now, Jingle14?

[Zammo25]

However, when neither approach seems to be working, you wonder just what zammo WILL pay attention to.

Originally, he was very pleased to get input from me.

As time has worn on, he seems less and less inclined to try to heal and move on.

It's tragic but it seems no amount of either kindness or kicking in the rump is having any effect.

And I feel desperately sad for that.

 

What would you advise Zammo to do, right now, Jingle14?

 

You are confusing things. Where on here have a said I am not moving on ? I am talking about the issue of my property. You are the one continually berating me.

[TaraMaiden]

You like to stick the knife in. Where am I playing the victim ?

 

Here...

Thanks Jingle I was beginning to think I was going nuts as everyone seems to think I am in the wrong here for politely asking for my property back and £ 4000 is a lot of worth to me at the moment. Everyone has battered me making me out to be in the wrong. Quite bizarre.

 

It's gross exaggeration and wholly inaccurate.

 

That is 'playing the victim.

Kind of like "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...."

 

It's patently untrue.

[TaraMaiden]

Zammo, if you'd moved on, this property wouldn't even be figuring.

Like I said, I lost an awful lot of stuff when my ex and I separated.

Really, in the great scheme of things, I preferred to just let everything go, rather than hang on to crap like that, because it just brought with it more anger, more resentment, more stress, more attachment moer contact more fuss and bother.

 

Was I legally entitled to pursue the matter?

I certainly was.

Would it have been a long drawn out affair?

Yup.

Would it have churned up old feelings and caused a wider and more hostile rift?

 

You bet.

 

Which is why I just - let - it - go.

 

All in all, the financial aspect of it all, was absolutley trivial, in comparison to the emotional cost.

 

Zammo, you're so angry, so resentful and you feel so embittered about this stuff; don't you see how contemplating its retrieval is eating away at you and just making you feel so much worse about her, and her attitude?

[Jingle14]

However, when neither approach seems to be working, you wonder just what zammo WILL pay attention to.

Originally, he was very pleased to get input from me.

As time has worn on, he seems less and less inclined to try to heal and move on.

It's tragic but it seems no amount of either kindness or kicking in the rump is having any effect.

And I feel desperately sad for that.

 

What would you advise Zammo to do, right now, Jingle14?

 

 

I don't know enough about him or his circumstances to advise anything. How he chooses to deal with his situation is his business and not mine, he must do what is right for him but, as he is posting on here - same as me - I must assume he's low, heartbroken and in need of some kind words. I would never judge or preach to others on here - not saying you do, of course, it's clear you have provided people with lots of helpful advice - that's not my place. If someone is feeling as low as I often do - my heart is shattered beyond repair, God knows I've tried to get past that - the last thing they need is a stranger on a forum giving them what they perceive as a hard time, however well meant.