I thought I had it all figured out. I really really don't

[teatotaller]

I am an OW (married with children) and have been NC with AP (a MM) since last Fri. I thought I was doing a great job of compartmentalizing, and basically staying sane but I am a mess and have done much more damage to our loved ones than I initially let myself think about. Those thoughts -together with the completely debilitating withdrawal symptoms this week, are making me truly crazy.

 

We had a past, casual, sexual history from long ago - university years.

In 2007 we reconnected and after more than a year of solely online communication we met in person. Our contact was sporadic for the next two years but we did remain in touch and saw each other 4 times in those two years. We mutually agreed to end things summer 2010.

 

This past Fall he contacted me. 26 months of NC and I felt completely back at square 1. We saw each other once in December. I texted him last week to tell him that I would not have any further contact with him .

 

It was never a *love* affair and we never have had any intention(s) of leaving our respective partners to be together. (In fact he became engaged, married and had a baby with his W within the last few years). I have a H who loves me very much (more than I deserve, obviously) but after losing a baby we became disconnected and have a lot of work to do with our communication and with making our M a priority.

 

I have no idea where to go from here. I am just now coming to realize how much energy I have been spending on him, how distracted and disengaged from my sweet family I have been. I am questioning how I can be sure that NC will "stick" this time when it was broken after 26 months? Is there some magic way to tie up the loose ends unravelled 19 years ago and end things peacefully and completely (I don't think so.). And am I wrong to be thinking that I am doing the right thing to not tell my husband? (I think I know what the consensual LS answer will be.) I examine my motives for wanting to tell my husband and my AP's W all the time and I feel that if my intention is only to unburden myself and to lash out at my AP, I shouldn't do it.

This. Is . Misery. And I *do* know that I am a selfish, horrible, hateful cake-eater. But I am trying. Truly.

Edited January 10, 2013 by teatotaller
Horrible typos from being half in-the-bag. Sorry!

[woinlove]

And am I wrong to be thinking that I am doing the right thing to not tell my husband?

 

I don't think not telling is the right thing, although for some it may be the easiest thing. It may allow them to escape some consequences and ensure that their spouse does not have the choice of making an informed decision.

 

Most (the vast majority, it seems) say they would want to know or are grateful they were told they were being cheated on. I would want to know. I value honesty and like to make informed decisions and my H is the same way. I would also strive to treat my H the way he wants to be treated and, if I didn't know, I would strive to treat him the way I want to be treated. So, I recommend telling, not to relieve you of any guilt because that may not happen by telling, but in order to start treating your H with some respect and caring.

[loredo21]

I agree. Don't put yourself down so much. You're human. We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but you need to let some of that go. I know how hard that must be since he contacted you again after 26 MONTHS! ( I still can't believe that!) How much progress you thought you had made. You know men have that radar that causes them to swoop in once you've forgotten about them, right? they KNOW what they are doing. It comes down to you believing in yourself and knowing your strength and that you are above this "man" and his games.

It is so much easier said than done, i know. but you can do it! cut him off, before you get in over your head again. p.s. I hope i can take my own advice if xMOM ever breaks no contact.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your child. that is awful! H and I suffered a devastating loss a couple of years ago and we have never been the same since. i feel for you.

[teatotaller]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses.

 

One of the issues with telling my H is that I truly feel he is scared to know. He knows a little about the MM contacting me initially (from when I was trying to keep everything above-board and innocent) and when I have tried to address how vulnerable I am feeling to the APs advances he has shut down communication. He works in another state for weeks at a time and I feel it would be a lot of worry for him to take on when he is not here to do anything about it. I don't know.

 

It DOES NOT help that my AP lives within a 4 min walk of my home. We don't run into each other often but it is always such a distinct possibility. He is in the process of trying to sell his house to move an hour away ( for reasons unrelated to the A).

 

I have been a lurker here for a few years but am recently surprised to see the number of threads/posts where people are so adamant about telling the BSs. Lots of food for thought there, after trying for so long not to imagine things from their POV.

 

Also feeling disturbed by realizing just how predictable and stereotypical my AP was/is. I believe (and so does my therapist) that he has at least several characteristics of narcissism and he has, all along, felt very entitled to this affair. I, despite best efforts, have a lot more emotional attachment to him than he has to me (though I have always tried VERY hard to hide it.)Having to accept that I am "just a fish on a line" has been eye-opening!

[promises]

You know men have that radar that causes them to swoop in once you've forgotten about them, right? they KNOW what they are doing.

 

 

Yes- every time I start to forget for even just a day- and really embrace moving on- he shows up.

[movingon45]

I am an OW (married with children) and have been NC with AP (a MM) since last Fri. I thought I was doing a great job of compartmentalizing, and basically staying sane but I am a mess and have done much more damage to our loved ones than I initially let myself think about. Those thoughts -together with the completely debilitating withdrawal symptoms this week, are making me truly crazy.

 

We had a past, casual, sexual history from long ago - university years.

In 2007 we reconnected and after more than a year of solely online communication we met in person. Our contact was sporadic for the next two years but we did remain in touch and saw each other 4 times in those two years. We mutually agreed to end things summer 2010.

 

This past Fall he contacted me. 26 months of NC and I felt completely back at square 1. We saw each other once in December. I texted him last week to tell him that I would not have any further contact with him .

 

It was never a *love* affair and we never have had any intention(s) of leaving our respective partners to be together. (In fact he became engaged, married and had a baby with his W within the last few years). I have a H who loves me very much (more than I deserve, obviously) but after losing a baby we became disconnected and have a lot of work to do with our communication and with making our M a priority.

 

I have no idea where to go from here. I am just now coming to realize how much energy I have been spending on him, how distracted and disengaged from my sweet family I have been. I am questioning how I can be sure that NC will "stick" this time when it was broken after 26 months? Is there some magic way to tie up the loose ends unravelled 19 years ago and end things peacefully and completely (I don't think so.). And am I wrong to be thinking that I am doing the right thing to not tell my husband? (I think I know what the consensual LS answer will be.) I examine my motives for wanting to tell my husband and my AP's W all the time and I feel that if my intention is only to unburden myself and to lash out at my AP, I shouldn't do it.

This. Is . Misery. And I *do* know that I am a selfish, horrible, hateful cake-eater. But I am trying. Truly.

 

Your story is similar to mine, except that my husband is impotent and won't do anything about it. My ex bf/AP and I have a lot of history between us going back to university, too. On and off and on and off.... Same as yours, no intention to leave our partners. Self indulgent on his part maybe and unmet needs in mine. Chemistry rocks. I ended or 9-month affair with 3 physical contacts last Sept and was on LC for 3 months and finally NC for the past 8 days when he did not respond to my text. I have since moved on (knock on wood) by thinking that he is dead and will never come back.

 

Re telling your husband, I would say no. I read the book When Good People Have Affairs and I agree what it says about unnecessarily hurting your loved ones. It doesn't condone affairs, but it's a really good book without judgements.

 

As for me, I just masturbate and use my ex as fantasy. No affair. No contact. Fulfilled in a way. Rethinking about my marriage. Thinking how sex is important in my life. No children so it's easier in a way to cope with lack of intimacy.

[movingon45]

Thank you for the thoughtful responses.

 

I, despite best efforts, have a lot more emotional attachment to him than he has to me (though I have always tried VERY hard to hide it.)Having to accept that I am "just a fish on a line" has been eye-opening!

 

I've been reading about affairs and I think it's true that women can't do it without emotional attachment, while men can compartmentalize easily. This is one of the reasons why I thought about ending my A. My ex also told me that he only does oral with me because we would get more involved if we do penetration. But on the 3rd and last physical contact he did it and we found ourselves wanting more! I've also read that men don't consider it cheating if it's oral sex.

[teatotaller]

Thanks for the book recommendation, movingon. Yes, sounds like some similarities for sure -though I can't say I've ever met a man over the age of 20 who would try to say oral sex was not cheating. Unreal.

Good luck with your NC. As much as I am feeling done I am certainly conflicted at times as well. History + chemistry is a heady combo!

[movingon45]

:laugh:

 

Why are you so naive??

 

Oral sex is more intimate than penetration. He says thaty to make you believe you are still a good girl.

 

Oh yeah that I am! No idea.

[teatotaller]

Thanks Pierre.

 

I do realize that NC must be forever. Just struggling with how to feel secure in it when he broke it after more than two years of peaceful NC. It will be okay -it has to be I guess.

 

You are right on all points re: the narcissism. He is a brilliant manipulator and I have fallen for it many times. IC is helping.

[pandorabox]

Movingon is perfectly right, sharing this information with H or W is completely pointless. It is lashing out and hurting people for no reason

[teatotaller]

Most secure women are repulsed by narcissist men. The charm seems superficial as well as the cheesy smooth words. However, women that need external validation seem to fall for these men.

 

Why are you so unhappy?

 

I agree and have felt from day 1 that a secure, confident woman would have told him to leave her the **** alone long ago. I always thought of myself as strong, and happy. We happened to, literally, bump into each other during a very difficult time in my life and I was vulnerable. Things had ended badly between us many years earlier (when both were single) and my boundaries were non-existent with him.

He was persistent and patient and I felt that somehow that meant he thought I was worth the wait/effort. I know now how common that approach is. I also know that I was so intoxicated by his attention that I didn't divert my attention and energy into my marriage, where it was badly needed.

[bentnotbroken]

Movingon is perfectly right, sharing this information with H or W is completely pointless. It is lashing out and hurting people for no reason

 

Hmmm...no reason huh? Interesting.

[Got it]

I recommend that you start IC, and talk with a therapist about why you started an affair, what you were trying to get out of it, and what you want for your future. And I would discuss with the therapist how best to heal your marriage. Please use the therapist for any diagnosis for yourself and for your MM, especially any personality diagnosis.

 

((((teatotaller))))

[BetrayedH]

I guess I will just have to be the typical BS and say that yes, you should confess to your husband and rebuild from a point of honesty. It's that simple even if it's not that easy. You sound like you are coming from a position of true remorse and that's half of the equation. Your husband's ability to forgive is the other half and he deserves to be able to make that decision, don't you think? If he does choose to forgive you, I think you may be surprised at what improvements can happen in your marriage. When a couple survives this together, I don't think anything can defeat them and that's a marriage worth being in. If you choose to take it to the grave, you will likely have this wall between you for just as long.

 

Wishing you strength. You've made some bad mistakes but if you do what you can to correct your course, the affair does not need to define you or your marriage. If you keep lying, well, you keep lying. Ugh. I don't see how it ever ends well. Don't you want to be done with this type of life? Don't curse yourself, your marriage, and your husband with a lifetime sentence.