Abandoned abroad

[LostInSW]

I have so much going on with my relationship that I don't even know where to begin anymore:confused:I have been with my boyfriend for three years. We are both in our mid/late twenties. We lived together for a year and then he took a job in another country in 2012 so we had a very long distance relationship for almost a year. About 6 months before he left for his job we were having a lot of relationship problems. He would break up with me and then want to still be together off and on. It was very confusing and I now believe that he may be bipolar or borderline because of the strong symptoms he's shown. Despite it all I loved him and we somehow managed to stay together even though we were 5,000 miles apart. I believed that if we'd survive this, we would survive anything.

 

I've always sadly been a very dependent person. My boyfriend also paid the rent for both of us. I decided while he was gone to work on this. I spent my time alone working on getting myself together. I finally found a job I really liked (not my DREAM job), but something stable and enjoyable while I also began working towards submitting for my top choice career (which I also made some strong progress with). I put myself out there and made many new friends and acquaintances. I worked on my hobbies and even an online store that I had been trying to start for some time. I overall became a much more independent person. I even bought a plane ticket and flew by myself to see him (something I would have never done in the past). I really grew into my own person while he was gone.

 

We were planning on moving somewhere else in The States (where my dream career is located & I planned on per suing) when he came back, but with only a month left to go he dropped a bomb on me. He said he was asked to stay overseas and he wanted me to move with him there instead. I didn't have much time to decide and he eventually won me over with the adventure and excitement of it all. He showed me the gorgeous apartment we'd live in, promised that we be located in the middle of everything so I could get everywhere easily w/o a car (I couldn't bring it along).

 

He promised that we'd travel every month and that'd we'd have a great life together. He also went on about how in The States his job requires long hours and here there are so many vacations and he would be done at a normal time at night so we could spend more time together. I asked him how all of this was possible and he assured me that it would be. I also asked how I was going to work and he said think of it as a vacation. He told me that I didn't have to work unless I wanted to.

 

My parents were furious when they found out I was leaving because they hate him. They don't know about any of our "break ups".. they just refused to meet him (like all of my past bfs) from the beginning because they are extremely stubborn, but that's another story. The point is that I did not & do NOT have their support. I had to quit my new job and give up many of my belongings. I also had to leave my family and new friends behind. I really was convinced that this new chapter in my life would be worth it.

 

He came home to help me pack for a week and I made the mistake of looking through his cellphone one day. I know it was wrong, but I was curious. I found some very flirtatious conversation with a female. It also looked like that had been going out for dinner together and spending lots of time together while he was overseas. I was devastated and confronted him. He was of course, furious that I went through his phone. He wouldn't talk to me for a day. The he swore up and down that she was just a friend and that her boyfriend was abusing her so he had been keeping her company. I looked her up on facebook and she did seem to have a boyfriend. I still didn't really trust him, but since I could never find any proof of actual physical cheating in the messages, I tried my best to forget about it and move with him anyway.

 

When I got overseas I found out that I for sure couldn't work until I get my social number there. It's been four months now & it's still processing. My boyfriend was great at first, meeting me for lunch, taking me out places at night, hanging out with his friends. He threw me a huge birthday party since we got there the day before my birthday. Our apartment was beautiful and was next store to many things so I could walk around during the day and explore our new town. Everything was wonderful.

 

Then things started getting bad. I could sense a change in the way he acted towards me. Just really little things, but it felt like he didn't care as much anymore. He also started working later, just like he promised that he wouldn't. He's sometimes stay at the office until 6am, but usually around 3am. Then he would get angry when I'd say that I missed him. I don't have a job and can't legally get one, so it gets pretty boring just sitting around all day and night, so I really couldn't help it. Sometimes I would go visit him at his office so I know he wasn't cheating. I would go to the stores and coffee shops around the area, but still felt lonely. I wanted to take a dance class to try to meet some people, but he also started being extremely stingy about money saying that we couldn't afford anything so that wasn't an option either.

 

One day I he left his facebook account open, and I once again I couldn't help myself. I wanted to see if something was going on. I looked at his messages and he has a "group" with a few of his close single friends. All they did was talk about women that they met, dated, slept with in a really degrading way. It made me sick to my stomach & I wished I hadn't seen it. My boyfriend hadn't said anything recently, but there were posts from him when we had been long distance. He said many things about his friends inviting this one female to a party that night because he "wanted her sister". He also said many comments that I can't even mention on here about wanting to hook up with women in a really graphic way. I felt sick. Then I looked and he had been messaging a few women while I'd been away. They were very flirtatious and lead me to believe that he definitely spent time with them. Anyway, I still never found proof that he did anything physical with these women, but I know he cheated on me at least emotionally while I was away.

 

Since the messages were from when I was gone & there weren't any recent ones, I hesitated to mention it. One day I just got really upset and confronted him. He told me that he's sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me. He told me that his guys friends just talk like that to be funny and that he really never cheated on me. He told me that he had to be a "wing man" to his single friends, but it wouldn't happen again.

 

Now it's been about four months since we moved here. He recently started snapping at me for everything and blowing up at me for the tiniest things. He even yells at me in public to the point that people look at us. He slept on the couch for a week. We have sex once every 1-2 weeks. I thought he was going through one of his "moods" since I believe that he may be bipolar/borderline. He always goes from great highs of loving me and life to freaking out about work, money, life in general, and being very cold to me. I also think it's very weird because he always makes it a big point to tell his parents and friends how much he loves me when he talks to them for some reason even when he is in a "mood", which I find very confusing.

 

Well he's been talking about lately that we need to move to a cheaper apartment for a couple months to pay off some debt from our move overseas. Our apartment right now is really spacious so I thought it would be a bit smaller than that. He said he wants to spend about half the rent we pay now. I also didn't think we'd have debt from the move because before I agreed to come here I asked him about finances and he said it wouldn't be a problem and we'd have money left over for travel, etc. I now feel awful since I can't even work to try to help out even though he said he doesn't want me to.

 

Yesterday he said out of nowhere that 3 different couples are coming to look at our apartment and we are breaking our lease early! I found it on a rental site and it's listed that they can move in in 5 days!! I asked him where we are going to live and he said he didn't know yet!! He said we are going to look at a place this weekend and he wouldn't show me a picture. He finally did and it's a studio apartment far away from where we live now. I got very concerned because I don't know how we will ever fit there. We also have a dog (that is potty trained inside) and a cat. The person who is renting it will be keeping there things there as well. I asked him at he got really mad at me saying that he doesn't care and that I'm a spoiled brat. He said we can hang clothes from the ceiling if we have to.

 

I'm really not trying to be spoiled, but the couch in the picture barely fits in the living/bedroom with no walking space! The bed is a twin bed and the toilet doesn't even have a door on it, just a curtain! It's clearly a place for one single person to live. I also brought up the fact that I would have to take the bus by myself to get into town and again he said he didn't care and it's not his problem. I can't believe he would even consider living here and the rent is less than 1/4 what we pay now, when he told me that we just need it to be 1/2. I have been crying all day because I feel like he must really hate me to move here. He is gone all day and night at work so he doesn't care where we live. I will be stuck alone is this tiny place and not even be able to walk anywhere anymore. I trusted him when he told me to move with him and I feel betrayed.

 

I feel like he lured me to this country and like he's trying to isolate me little by little. He told me tonight when he saw me crying that I better enjoy this new apartment or I can go home. He also told me in a very calm way that's he's not attracted to me and he never will be. He told me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't think he ever will. (last night he was telling me how much he loved me & we were intimate.) Before this he's always told me that he wants to be with me forever. He also claimed that he never asked me to move with him!! Everyone always comments that I must love him to give that all up and he just says I should be grateful that he brought me here. I am feeling completely lost and devastated. I even just joined a dating site on a whim in hopes of meeting new people. I love this new country, but I am lost and scared here by myself.

 

I have been loving and supportive of him and gave up my whole life to move with him overseas. I take care of myself and give him a lot of affection. I get many invitations from other men, but have always stayed 100% faithful to him even during our long distance period. I don't see how he can treat me like this. Even though he just told me all of those terrible things, he is talking me like nothing happened, except he is with holding any affection.

 

Tomorrow people are coming to look at our apartment and I just feel like everything I have is lost. I am currently complying with him because I'm terrified that next he will kick me out on the street. I feel so empty and betrayed. I keep wondering if maybe I did complain to much or I am too spoiled? Am I not a good girlfriend and did I deserve this?

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and any advice is appreciated..

[jwi71]

Make no mistake that he is telling you who he is - believe him.

And its not going to get better - as you have lived.

He is already twisting and manipulating this around onto you as you are asking what you did to deserve it.

 

When one asks what they did to deserve it - the answer is usually nothing. Its a warning that the "punishment" far exceeds the "crime"

 

You really only have one healthy option: Go home. Now.

[Curious-One]

You need to contact your parents and or get a credit card and fly back to your home country.

 

 

You are in extremely dangerous situation right now because he could kick you out and then what would you do with no money, no job, and no friends.

 

You need to make up your mind and forget about him completely .... i am a guy btw and even i am worried about you.

 

 

He has sensed that he has complete power over you and he is using it to treat you like ****. You are right to be upset about moving to the new apartment because from what you are explaining it will literally be like a jail cell for you. You cant have hobbies, you dont work so you will be stuck in that cell every day. Plz contact your family and friends back home , ask for their help and go back home.

 

Also plz keep us updated as i am a bit worried about you now.

[thomasb]

Wow! What an *******. Please update and let us know you are okay. Get yourself to an embassy and find a way home to your family. I have no idea how this...person... dares call himself a man. No real man would act like a spoiled, controlling teen-ager like this.

[Steen719]

You need to contact your parents and or get a credit card and fly back to your home country.

 

 

You are in extremely dangerous situation right now because he could kick you out and then what would you do with no money, no job, and no friends.

 

You need to make up your mind and forget about him completely .... i am a guy btw and even i am worried about you.

 

 

He has sensed that he has complete power over you and he is using it to treat you like ****. You are right to be upset about moving to the new apartment because from what you are explaining it will literally be like a jail cell for you. You cant have hobbies, you dont work so you will be stuck in that cell every day. Plz contact your family and friends back home , ask for their help and go back home.

 

Also plz keep us updated as i am a bit worried about you now.

 

Do this; it is good advice. Get out now. Call your parents and get them to pay a ticket for you to get home asap. Don't tell him beforehand. He is not an emotionally stable person and as jw said, he is telling you who he is and you need to believe him. Get out, get out. If you were my daughter, I would immediately buy you a ticket and get you the heck out of there. You don't want to hear what they have to say, but you can deal with that later (and maybe listen a little). Lost, this is NOT love.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Contact your parents or a close friend. Get them to wire you money (e.g. Western Union). Go home. Do not wait, do it now.