jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Hey guys, So look, i know some of you know my story, ex of 2 years broke up with me for some other dude, shes Long Distance blah blah blah. I met a girl one month after the BU that I really liked. All was great, we were moving fast, she knew about my ex from day 1 but we got along great. Anyways, ex came back after learning about her and it messed with my head. It messed with my head so much a few days before xmas I had to do the right thing and cut her loose. I still to this day think i did the right thing. Anyways, the girl has class... on New Years she texted me and wished me well and said she would always be there for me... she knows i need time to heal and it isnt my fault. Anyways as the days went on after New Years, I started to realize, "You know, this girl is something else... shes so caring, smart, has a great job and is independent." I really am starting to think I made a mistake and my ex screwed with my head and i didnt see what I had. CUT TO THE CHASE.... this past Monday I went over to her place after I texted her that I missed what we had. She said I should come over to talk. Make a long story short, we made it professional until we killed a bottle of wine and we were right back in bed with each other. I never drink wine and actually broke out in hives and she took care of me the whole night... even woke up and got me medicine at 4am. She just is so caring. Anyways, I called her the next day and I told her we had to set some boundaries. I really think I want to persue her again but I think she is very hesitant. Shes busy with her new job now, and she just started grad school. i dont want to pressure it but how should i approach this. I want her to earn my trust again and believe that im over my ex which I am. I dont want to get back with her at all... i really do want to try this thing again any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Bump she seems super stressed tonight with juggling hwk and the new job Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Well I guess take it slowly, and court her. Ask her out on dates, don't overwhelm her by contacting her daily or anything, start from scratch...but not the way you did the first time by jumping in so quickly. If you pursue her slowly over time (assuming she accepts your offers of dates and whatnot) then she will see you are in it for her and over your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Tmo2 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Go with the flow and don't think about time... focus on your life. Hang out with the new girl when you both can - nothing more. Just take it easy, one day at a time and don't pressure yourself, let it flow. In my recent experience, I found that a breakup made my mind heavy. Try to approach a new relationship with a light headed and genuine attitude. Remember that you are still post-breakup, you have to keep ''moving on''. Don't stop ''moving on'' even if you get in a relationship with the new girl, understand? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 yeah i get it, she apologized for not being able to hang out tonight so i sent her a nice text saying i want whats best for her etc.... and I left it be.. im going to sit quiet right now Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I just had the same thing happen to me- but on the other side of the coin. I met a guy, 4 months out of a relationship, we started dating- and his ex came back into the picture when she found out- and he ended up feeling confused- so we talked about it and I bowed out. He wanted me to stick around and ride out his confusion, but I walked away- after all, it's his confusion, not mine. It's hard because we work together, and I cross paths with him everyday- but I won't put myself in a position to be "considered". As my old friend Kamille and I used to assert, "Be the prize, not an option". If you like this girl, make sure you're truly over your ex. That's all I can offer to you as advice coming from someone that that is experiencing your situation from the other side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine87 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I just had the same thing happen to me- but on the other side of the coin. I met a guy, 4 months out of a relationship, we started dating- and his ex came back into the picture when she found out- and he ended up feeling confused- so we talked about it and I bowed out. He wanted me to stick around and ride out his confusion, but I walked away- after all, it's his confusion, not mine. It's hard because we work together, and I cross paths with him everyday- but I won't put myself in a position to be "considered". As my old friend Kamille and I used to assert, "Be the prize, not an option". If you like this girl, make sure you're truly over your ex. That's all I can offer to you as advice coming from someone that that is experiencing your situation from the other side. I went through something similar. Infact, that's what brought me here. Read my thread if you wish for more information. I hope you are really over your ex. I remember the guy I was seeing began to turn a bit cold at some point. He then asked that we "let things be for a while and remain friends". I agreed instantly. He was back after two days, chasing me again. I sense that his ex was confusing him during that period. Anyway I eventually walked away from him because it was obvious that he still has feelings for his ex, but he liked and respected me and wanted me there. On the night that I called things off, he suggested that "I fight for him", insteading of just walking away as it wasn't easy for him to just cut lose from it all". He described the situation as "sticky". I know he definitely wanted me in his life (probably as a backup plan). But I couldn't deal with the uncertainty anymore. So I really hope that the poster is truly over his ex. Dlish, do you regret walking away? Or do you think you couldve been more patient? My ex thought I was impatient for walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I went through something similar. Infact, that's what brought me here. Read my thread if you wish for more information. I hope you are really over your ex. I remember the guy I was seeing began to turn a bit cold at some point. He then asked that we "let things be for a while and remain friends". I agreed instantly. He was back after two days, chasing me again. I sense that his ex was confusing him during that period. Anyway I eventually walked away from him because it was obvious that he still has feelings for his ex, but he liked and respected me and wanted me there. On the night that I called things off, he suggested that "I fight for him", insteading of just walking away as it wasn't easy for him to just cut lose from it all". He described the situation as "sticky". I know he definitely wanted me in his life (probably as a backup plan). But I couldn't deal with the uncertainty anymore. So I really hope that the poster is truly over his ex. Dlish, do you regret walking away? Or do you think you couldve been more patient? My ex thought I was impatient for walking away. Here is the thing... i met with my ex on dec 15th and honestly, ive realized we cant fix it anymore... she took a beautiful relationship, ruined it, and then came back when she saw i was happy with this girl. Shes selfish and im beginning to realize i shouldnt have fell for her WORDS that she was saying. I wont be going back, but at the same time, i feel like my ex will always be in my mind from time to time because she was a first love. This girl Im talking about... her biggest fear is she doesnt know when i am thinking about my ex or not and it worries her Link to post Share on other sites
Sunshine87 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Here is the thing... i met with my ex on dec 15th and honestly, ive realized we cant fix it anymore... she took a beautiful relationship, ruined it, and then came back when she saw i was happy with this girl. Shes selfish and im beginning to realize i shouldnt have fell for her WORDS that she was saying. I wont be going back, but at the same time, i feel like my ex will always be in my mind from time to time because she was a first love. This girl Im talking about... her biggest fear is she doesnt know when i am thinking about my ex or not and it worries her What your ex is experiencing is called "dog in a manger syndrome". She doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. She doesn't want you to move on etc. I hope you don't fall into her trap. It will take some time for you to get over your ex. I'm not sure if you should drag the other girl into this. Her fears are completely warranted. You like this girl but you love your ex.....is that correct? Well she is simply watching her back. I think you should give yourself sometime to get your ex out of your system. Give it a month or two. When you reach a healthier state (emotionally) then you can pursue the new girl. Otherwise, if you are certain that you absolutely want to be with this new girl and emotionally available to embark on a new relationship, then you can give it a shot. But my advice would be this: send the new girl an email. Let her know that you understand her fears and concerns. But let her know that you are ready to be with her. Mention however, that you will give her some time to think about it until she feels convinced that you are emotionally ready to invest in her; say a month or two. Leave the ball in her court, don't pressurise her but let her know that you're ready to be with her. The question is: are you?? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 So I really hope that the poster is truly over his ex. Dlish, do you regret walking away? Or do you think you couldve been more patient? My ex thought I was impatient for walking away. I don't at all regret ending it. I walked away with my power and self respect intact. I understand where he is at- he was with his ex for 4 years and has only been single for 4 months. He needs to work through his confusion on his own. He doesn't want to end things, but I don't want to be with someone unless they are 100% sure about me- I'd being doing myself a disservice by hanging around knowing he isn't over his ex! I think you did the right thing also:). Op, I think what you did was noble. It may take some time for her to trust you, but if you're sure about wanting to give things another try, just take things slow. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Here is the thing... i met with my ex on dec 15th and honestly, ive realized we cant fix it anymore... she took a beautiful relationship, ruined it, and then came back when she saw i was happy with this girl. Shes selfish and im beginning to realize i shouldnt have fell for her WORDS that she was saying. I wont be going back, but at the same time, i feel like my ex will always be in my mind from time to time because she was a first love. This girl Im talking about... her biggest fear is she doesnt know when i am thinking about my ex or not and it worries her That would worry me as well. Things were going great with my guy, then he just went cold one day, and I knew the ex had something to do with it. I let him be and gave him space. After he came to me and we talked, he seemed to think he had worked through it- but I didn't buy it. On the other hand, it is normal to think about an ex, that doesn't mean you want to be with them. It might take your new gf some time to reconcile with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 That would worry me as well. Things were going great with my guy, then he just went cold one day, and I knew the ex had something to do with it. I let him be and gave him space. After he came to me and we talked, he seemed to think he had worked through it- but I didn't buy it. On the other hand, it is normal to think about an ex, that doesn't mean you want to be with them. It might take your new gf some time to reconcile with that. yeah and i think she is... dont you agree giving her space right now and letting her come to me is the best option. She obviously still has feelings and is afraid to act on them. I sent her a really nice text and she said thank you... silence sometimes i think is the best way to let things sink in Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Im over 3 months NC and am not even close to being able to date yet. Hookups are not a problem. Take it slow. We all recover a different paces but it seems sorta fast to be considering a new relationship at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Im over 3 months NC and am not even close to being able to date yet. Hookups are not a problem. Take it slow. We all recover a different paces but it seems sorta fast to be considering a new relationship at this point. Yeah and thats why i bailed on her 3-4 weeks ago, because I got scared and kept making excuses of why she isnt dating material when in fact, she would go over and beyond to help me. Shes a great girl with great ambitions and I just want to be a part of it right now with her. When we spoke on monday it just felt right but at the same time we both know im not ready but im afraid of her moving on you know. Im just rambling but i really do care about this new girl.... i just dont know how to make her trust me again. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 yeah and i think she is... dont you agree giving her space right now and letting her come to me is the best option. She obviously still has feelings and is afraid to act on them. I sent her a really nice text and she said thank you... silence sometimes i think is the best way to let things sink in She is probably going to want to take things slow, test the waters a bit before opening up again, which is understandable. You're in a tricky situation in that you don't want to push things, yet you don't want to give her too much space so that she begins to question your interest. It seems she does really like you. To be honest, I'd give the guy I like a second chance assuming he works through his emotions, I'm just not willing to wait around, or be his sounding board as he does. Don't be too silent, in a way you do need to win her over- so you want to make her feel confident in how you feel about her- silence won't help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 She is probably going to want to take things slow, test the waters a bit before opening up again, which is understandable. You're in a tricky situation in that you don't want to push things, yet you don't want to give her too much space so that she begins to question your interest. It seems she does really like you. To be honest, I'd give the guy I like a second chance assuming he works through his emotions, I'm just not willing to wait around, or be his sounding board as he does. Don't be too silent, in a way you do need to win her over- so you want to make her feel confident in how you feel about her- silence won't help with that. I hear you loud and clear.... I think im going to give her a few days now after telling her how i feel to soak it in and want to hear from me... maybe she is talking to someone else who knows but if it is meant to be it will be..... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I hear you loud and clear.... I think im going to give her a few days now after telling her how i feel to soak it in and want to hear from me... maybe she is talking to someone else who knows but if it is meant to be it will be..... I doubt she has designs on someone else, probably just protecting her heart. I think it will work out for you guys:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 I doubt she has designs on someone else, probably just protecting her heart. I think it will work out for you guys:) ill post back and let you guys know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Okay so update... Last night she texted me hey and asked if I wanted to grab dinner.... We wound up going out, I dropped quite a bit of cash on her and we went for drinks after with some friends. We wound up having sex again last night and this morning after I cooked her breakfast. Took her back, she was kinda distant over text and I invited her to a movie tonight and told her I wanted her to come with my brother and I.... She should she would let me know and I never heard from her. It kind of got to me because two nights ago she did the same thing when I told her I wanted to come by and cook her dinner after she had a bad day... I hate getting stood up but she is hot and cold. I'm sure it because she doesn't want to get attached again like She has said many times w/o me being over my ex. She had a great stance but I feel like she is playing games. Why have sex and then go cold the same day. Any ideas guys and girls? Do I realize she's a great girl and someone I want to date.... Yes but by no means will I be her option. I want things to be great where she was three weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 She just asked how was the movie.... Wtf lol she is confusing te hell out of me Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 F-k that sh*t. You dont need the new girl to start making you insecure on top of what you already have to deal with with your ex. Just keep on F-king her ..NO expectations...if you can handle it. If you cant bail fast. Your still sorta fragile and don't need to get all messed up again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 F-k that sh*t. You dont need the new girl to start making you insecure on top of what you already have to deal with with your ex. Just keep on F-king her ..NO expectations...if you can handle it. If you cant bail fast. Your still sorta fragile and don't need to get all messed up again. You think i should have a talk with her? Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Sure why not. UNLESS you heart starts beating fast when you think of the conversation. If it does don't contact her. Depends on how strong and confident you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jags2bowl27 Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Sure why not. UNLESS you heart starts beating fast when you think of the conversation. If it does don't contact her. Depends on how strong and confident you feel. I just spoke with her on the phone... she confirmed she wants to work on things slow and since we hung out the other night she didnt think hanging out right away again was taking it slow. She also didnt want to go with my brother because she didnt want to get the families involved again this quick. it all makes sense and i guess i have to trust her. I think she is just protecting herself... but she did confirm that she wants to try this thing again. we shall see Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Sounds to me like she isn't that into it. That is my take. Don't over invest in this. Pull back. Let her chase you and even blow her off a couple of times. Link to post Share on other sites
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