asking for something back

[fooled2manyX]

I had given the xMM something of my father's. My dad passed 3 yrs ago. xMM was there for me when my dad died. When I gave it to him, it was because it was personal to me & I wanted him to have it. However, as I mentioned in other posts, he didn't have the decency to tell me he wanted to work on his marriage and end us. Even though he told me otherwise.

 

If this were just a gift I gave him, I would never ask for it back. But this is something that was my father's. I am beyond just hurt now, I am angry. The fact that he wants to keep his marriage doesn't hurt as much as that he didn't have to the balls to tell me and end it with me. He just vanished.

 

Can I ask him to mail what I gave him? Simply disgusts me that he has it. I gave it when he told me we were to have a future.

[whichwayisup]

Ask a trusted friend to contact him for you - and then they can go pick it up from him. There's absolutely NO need for you to speak to him now, he's a coward. The reason why I say get a friend to do this, is just because I get the feeling you want to talk to him, see him.. Just my 2 cents.

[fooled2manyX]

We actually don't have any mutual friends. I am thinking he mail it. At this stage, we wouldn't be talking for me to get it back. Frankly, it will hurt more to get it knowing he won't talk to me. But, I still feel I want it back. I don't want him to have it, as he is not who I thought he was.

[fooled2manyX]

MFH70, not quite sure what you meant above. But, I am not contacting the wife about anything. He did this. While it was wrong, I am not going to take the responsibility for his actions. If he is reapectful and apologetic to her, that's wonderful. I am indifferent.

[whichwayisup]

We actually don't have any mutual friends. I am thinking he mail it. At this stage, we wouldn't be talking for me to get it back. Frankly, it will hurt more to get it knowing he won't talk to me. But, I still feel I want it back. I don't want him to have it, as he is not who I thought he was.

 

You don't need a mutual friend to do this. Just ask a trusted friend of yours to contact him, explain the situation and she can go pick it up. This way you avoid seeing or speaking to him. It'll save your mental health if you stay away.

 

I really hope you're not using this as an excuse to see/talk to him..

[fooled2manyX]

MFH70, I have read many of your posts & I have come to conclusion that for some reason, you seem to blame the OW, far more than you blame the cheater. Am I sorry? Yes. But I don't have to ask her for anything. I don't have to contact her..and make it seem like we are grownups and he is the poor little retarded boy who didn't know any better & was somehow taken advantage of. He wasn't.

[2sure]

If you contact him at this point he is likely to turn it over to his wife and throw you under the bus saying you won't leave him alone. That's the way it often goes after DDay.

[awkward]

I don't have to contact her..and make it seem like we are grownups and he is the poor little retarded boy who didn't know any better & was somehow taken advantage of. He wasn't.

 

Do you want the item back or do you want to talk to him?

[fooled2manyX]

I already know there will be no talking between us. Even if he gives it back, it would be mailed. Asking for this back is not going to get him to talk to me.

[wanting more]

Ask a trusted friend to contact him for you - and then they can go pick it up from him. There's absolutely NO need for you to speak to him now, he's a coward. The reason why I say get a friend to do this, is just because I get the feeling you want to talk to him, see him.. Just my 2 cents.

 

I agree. Don't ask him for it. Have a friend do it. Youre opening doors that need to stay closed.

[awkward]

I already know there will be no talking between us. Even if he gives it back, it would be mailed. Asking for this back is not going to get him to talk to me.

 

Ok good. Since it was your fathers and all you care about is getting it back, having a trusted friend of yours make the contact and ask for it to be returned is probably your best chance at getting it back.

 

One day you will no longer hurt over this man but if his wife gets pissed because you made contact with him and destroys/trashes the item, you will probably always be a little hurt about that since it is tied to your deceased father.

 

It will get easier. Stay NC. The band aid has been ripped off. Replacing it with tape will only make it hurt worse when that is ripped off.

[jwi71]

I had given the xMM something of my father's. My dad passed 3 yrs ago. xMM was there for me when my dad died. When I gave it to him, it was because it was personal to me & I wanted him to have it. However, as I mentioned in other posts, he didn't have the decency to tell me he wanted to work on his marriage and end us. Even though he told me otherwise.

 

If this were just a gift I gave him, I would never ask for it back. But this is something that was my father's. I am beyond just hurt now, I am angry. The fact that he wants to keep his marriage doesn't hurt as much as that he didn't have to the balls to tell me and end it with me. He just vanished.

 

Can I ask him to mail what I gave him? Simply disgusts me that he has it. I gave it when he told me we were to have a future.

 

What makes you think he still has it?

 

Provided he does still have it, I think its appropriate to ask a trusted friend, preferably male, to ask for it back. If there is no friend you trust then contact him directly - there are always exceptions to rules and this is one - break NC to get it back.

[whichwayisup]

What makes you think he still has it?

 

Provided he does still have it, I think its appropriate to ask a trusted friend, preferably male, to ask for it back. If there is no friend you trust then contact him directly - there are always exceptions to rules and this is one - break NC to get it back.

 

This makes me wonder too. He obviously knows how important that item was you gave him, since he knew it was your father's. Why hasn't he just sent it to you, or even asked one of his friends to drop it off to you. Also, (and let's hope he hasn't) what if you find out he threw it out or lost it?

[fooled2manyX]

MFH70,

 

It's not that I feel I owe her nothing. It's not that I don't understand her pain. I have been where she is. I am sorry for what I've done. My part. One mistake I made, was early on I said to him that we should not see one another & if he was to leave her, then let me know. I should have stuck to my guns. Awhile later, he actually said that to me. Then it was my turn to say "Do you mean we're not going to see one another tomorrow?" Then I was being selfish. We both played a part in this.

 

I've been thinking the last couple of hours. Do I think he will throw those things away. Never. Not ever. Do I need them "right now"? No. I want them, yes. Should he have sent them on his own without me asking? Yes. He knows the importance. Although I understand it is not at the forefront at the moment.

 

All I was trying to say was they are sentimental items and not just gifts I gave. I don't want to disrespect her, or them any more than already has been. But, I would have been moving on a hell of a lot easier this whole time, if he said what he was going to do.

 

And really... so he told her (probably) from d-day he would never contact me again. Even if he doesn't... do you think it's a finished deal? It's not. Even when I move on from this... even when his wife moves on from this.... there is a man who has much unfinished. It can be years from now, but I tell you that he will carry this. And that is on him. On his back. Because even if he said things to me he didn't mean, he has to live with that. Or if he meant the things he told me, he has to live with not being honest with his wife. One way or another, he'll be haunted.

 

Closure and parting at least gives something finality. Not just in action, but in mind. if you don't find that with a person (unless the affair was just a meeting at a motel once a week) then you can go on, but the unfinished is always lurking.

 

The NC is what his wife deserves from him. But he already told me he wanted to marry me one day and make a baby with me. Even if he lied through his teeth... NC or not, there is an underlying falsehood to who he is and what he wants. No matter what he gives her.

[fooled2manyX]

He would never throw it out. Not even if she knew it was from me. He may be staying with his family to do the right thing, but he would never throw it out. That I am sure of.

[SidLyon]

I had given the xMM something of my father's. My dad passed 3 yrs ago. xMM was there for me when my dad died. When I gave it to him, it was because it was personal to me & I wanted him to have it. However, as I mentioned in other posts, he didn't have the decency to tell me he wanted to work on his marriage and end us. Even though he told me otherwise.

 

If this were just a gift I gave him, I would never ask for it back. But this is something that was my father's. I am beyond just hurt now, I am angry. The fact that he wants to keep his marriage doesn't hurt as much as that he didn't have to the balls to tell me and end it with me. He just vanished.

 

Can I ask him to mail what I gave him? Simply disgusts me that he has it. I gave it when he told me we were to have a future.

 

Well you can ask for it back but you're unlikely to be able to enforce its return.

 

You say you gave it to him because he supported you through your father's death and you wanted him to have it. It does sound like you intended him to have it at the time, but have since changed your mind. Usually that's not sufficient to be able to get something back that was freely given.

 

It's the reverse of my H trying to get back the jewelry he gave the OW. It can't be enforced even though it was bought with funds that technically belonged to me too.

 

I sense that you see this as an opportunity to contact him and seek some closure from him, because after all most people don't want gifts back that they've given.

 

After my own d-day my H handed over to me all the gifts that had been given to him by the OW. Eventually when I was mentally strong enough, I returned them to her personally. It's the only time I have met her. She later told me that we should have thrown them away.

 

Has there been a d-day, does his BW know about you and are they reconciling (or trying to)? Even if you ask him, it may well be that he has handed the gifts to his BW as part of their reconciliation. I doubt that we were unique in finding a way of "dealing" with OW gifts to my H.

[whichwayisup]

And really... so he told her (probably) from d-day he would never contact me again. Even if he doesn't... do you think it's a finished deal? It's not. Even when I move on from this... even when his wife moves on from this.... there is a man who has much unfinished. It can be years from now, but I tell you that he will carry this. And that is on him. On his back. Because even if he said things to me he didn't mean, he has to live with that. Or if he meant the things he told me, he has to live with not being honest with his wife. One way or another, he'll be haunted.

 

How long was your affair?

 

If he makes peace with this and together they work hard to make their marriage better, all that stuff he told you during your affair - Won't be in his head a year, two years or five years from now. Eventually it'll fade away. He'll make sure of that. Also you don't know what is real or not. He may have meant what he said in those moments, but sluffed it off later on. I don't mean that meanly, it's just many MM say things and some can take it back later without letting you (general you) know. Hope this makes sense.

 

Anyway, I hope you consider letting a friend do this favour for you to get back what you gave to him. I'm sure now you totally regret giving it to him.

[thomasb]

I identified to my wife every item the OW had given to me or touched. We had a bonfire in the fire pit with a couple things, the other went to the dump. I wanted my wife to forgive me, why would I have kept anything? Even my truck was sold.

[Summer Breeze]

Well the 3 MM I've talked to recently (2 my generation, 1 is my dad) seem to all moved on from it. I think it's wishful thinking to say they won't. Look at all tw "forgive yourself and move on" advice to OW. You really think MM is that different? Yes he has to deal with having led someone on (if he did) but honestly that's easily done. All he has to do us treat it as a short term selfish infatuation that didn't ever amount to anything more but in the moment you fool yourself that it does. And you focus on who you wronged (your wife) and fixing that. Or making amends in future relationships with new people if you divorce.

Interesting. Reading most posts from WS in here and those that I know in person it is a big deal and not nearly as able to be dismissed as you allude to.

 

It's not uncommon I think.

 

Re gifts- if he had half a brain he's already handed everything to his wife who has no incentive to give it back. If she thinks you'd suffer it's loss she can choose to just keep it or throw it out. My sister insisted everything was thrown out. My friend kept it in a box in the laundry or 5 years. When he felt truly healed she threw it out. There were quite a few things they thought the OW would have wanted back, but their attitude was that he made her bed.

 

 

JMO. You don't know what is really going on in the M and if he has really tried thenge won't have kept things of yours from his wife. You don't know how far down the path they are either.

As no one knows what really goes on in the A and what promises are made regarding returning of gifts etc. I agree gifts should be out in the open if the couple try to reconcile but anything that's a family heirloom and has such sentimental value should be returned immediately. An no I don't think at that point the BS should have any say. My opinion.

 

My responses in bold.

[Summer Breeze]

Summer you can disagree about hat the wife ought to do. Personally I cheered the women who disposed of family treasures of the Ow, but in the end as a practicality she has them and the ball is in her court. It's like sending nude photos or lewd emails...you can get all the promises you like but when the relationship is over you have no control. An A is amplified on that respect of the WS is trying to reconcile.

 

The golden rule failed. Now it's time for the BS to do unto others as was done to her respect wise. And no I'm not advocating doing anything active to anyone. But you don't have to be nice to them!

 

I'm good with disagreeing and I certainly do disagree with you. If I'd even considered reconciling with my xH I would never have destroyed something that would have been of family value. Actually I would probably have mailed them back to her and called it good. But I wouldn't have been in that position because I wouldn't ever have reconciled with someone that cheated on me.

[ComingInHot]

fooled;

It sounds like w/this particular gift you gave him a piece of your heart. Now he doesn't deserve anything you gave him , you attention, your intimacy, your time your heart and your gift/s.

 

There was another thread that asked if you would be "friends" w/a known OW. This is a perfect example of why I personally would not. As being a friend means being there when they need you and sometimes (like in this case) the friend gets caught up in the middle. At this point, I don't think I could handle doing something like this therefore I wouldn't consider myself a good friend. Not being a good friend would bother me greatly.

 

Anyway, w/that said, what about your letter idea but include the W's name on the letter o it doesn't appear like you creating an excuse to contact him? It really isn't about respect for the W, but it may hopefully imply to both of them the sincerity of your intended request.

 

If it were me, I most certainly would Not want my husband to have any "momento" from the A and certainly not anything that is Special in such a way.

 

I'd RUN to the post office to return it to you. Understand though that if she is angry (which you can't r I can't blame her) she might just "toss" it...

 

I'm sad you are in this crappy position*

Edited January 11, 2013 by ComingInHot
sp

[Summer Breeze]

I know this won't be something most people will want to think about but when you're in the A it is an R. It is full of the emotion and caring that any R is. I know that there will be some that aren't but I think a lot more are than aren't. As is said on this forum often -- noone knows what's going on inside an R except the people in it.

 

I probably wouldn't have given a family heirloom to anyone else. Not one that I might anticipate wanting back if anything happened anyway.

 

I can say that I was in the A with DMM I lost someone who had been a big part of raising me and I could see that with all the emotions of the time it might have happened.

 

I do worry too that you may be looking for a way to kind of make contact but I take your word that's not the case. I'd ask for it back. I like the idea of a friend contacting and also picking it up. I think if it was a male friend it would probably be best.

[Summer Breeze]

Why is the wife even part of this equation? It's his job to protect her, he failed when he opted to have an affair. If he didn't want to take that chance, he should have sent it back when you broke up. She shouldn't even factor in. You want your stuff back, send a letter and courier (I'd not opt for a friend, I'd hire someone to make it very business like so no one thought I wanted him in any way).

 

 

I'd said to go with the friend but I do like the 'distance' a courier implies. Great idea.

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you SUMMER & COMINGIN...

 

As for MFH70, your opinion sucks. Your opinion has went far enough. If you feel that I am evil and should be burned at a stake because I was the OW, fine.

 

But I started this thread stating that the item I have him (2 actually) are that of my dead father. Ok??? My dad who died. They belonged to him & I gave them to the MM, yes. As a lifelong friend & someone who did tell me many things, including he was in love with me & going to marry me. So, shame on us both. Obviously. Him for saying, me for believing.. but....

 

your cheering on that you feel the betrayed spouse should throw it out and he should let her as a sign of his utmost remorse is bull****! He knows that they belonged to my dead father. So, he should never say he has them & mail them back.

 

It's not a sweater I bought him.

 

I gave it to him, when I didn't think he'd disappear without ever saying a word. I gave it to a different person it seems.

 

That is why. I didn't just give it to a "guy" You people comment without going back and reading the history. We have known eachother for 20 yrs. We were friends. We always loved one another, but this last time around fell in love. He wants to stay with his wife and kids even though he told me he wanted to be with me. Fine. Ok. Again, I'm hurting because I had to figure it out when he never came back or said another word. I didn't get that. THAT was all I wanted. But MFH70 here, thinks he has to remind me every 3 posts, that this agony is what I deserve.

 

I simply wanted to be told. Now I don't feel I gave those items to the same person. Not because he didn't leave her. But because he left me here without telling me anything. Without saying goodbye.

[stillafool]

If the only thing that is important to you at this point is getting back your father's watch, just call his house and ask his wife or whoever answers the phone to send back the watch. Leave the address you want the watch sent to and move on. Why care at this point who you have to speak to to get the watch back? You don't need to speak to him to get it back. The only unfinished business between the two of you is this watch. He probably hasn't sent it back because he thought you wanted him to have it. You don't so ask anyone at his home to send it back to you.