When the dumper gives up, dates other ppl, then comes back...

[Jono85]

I'm really having trouble wrapping my head around this type of situation. Specifically, how people (dumpees) can find forgiveness, and let go of the past, in this type of situation. I want people's opinions on this because I feel I might be a bit closed-minded on this topic. I'll state my current opinion in a bit..

 

Situation:

 

Problems in the relationship (no cheating/abuse, etc) prompt the dumper, to well, dump the person and give up on them. They've reached their breaking point and they're convinced it can't work. They want to explore other options. The dumpee is devestated obviously and makes it very clear they want to continue to work on things. The dumper has lost enough feelings to want to move on. Off the dumpee goes into healing, pining, tons of pain, the whole bit. In a few months the dumpee learns that the dumper is seeing someone new; obviously a sexual/romantic relationship. The dumper still is determined to find their real soulmate and has given up on the dumpee; they might even have been a bit cold to the dumpee post breakup to help make this clear.

 

Well a year goes by, maybe 2 years, maybe less than a year, it doesn't matter, and the dumper (now single) is starting to realize that the former dumpee was the best thing they've had and wants to come back.

 

You are the dumpee. Let's pretend you know the dumper wants you back after all this time. Would you take the dumper back??

 

 

My current stance:

 

I don't see how you can, and keep your pride/dignity. This person left you, gave up on you, destroyed your world, when you obviously thought the problems were not breakup worthy problems. You weren't good enough for them then, and they had accepted/were content with you being out of their life for good. They even thought they found someone more special, making love to them, countless times, cute nicknames, holidays together, everything. You've been demoted to an afterthought when they're bored, or their lover was out of town for the weekend, etc. And now, after that relationship didn't work out (maybe in time they found out their lover was a total a**hole/scumbag) they now want to consider you again to make things work??

 

 

Can anyone spin this in a more positive light?? I just can't see it. I've heard people say the only way for two people in the above situation to make it work is to start from scratch after a lot of time. But does that include dating other people? Once you fall for someone else, how can there be a fairytale ending? Sure you might be the best that person ever dated (or wait a second, maybe you were only the best they ever dated that wanted them back/things to work out??) but they deemed you not fit for their soulmate at one point, so are they not settling the 2nd time around?? I mean they even fell in love with someone AFTER you, so doesn't that void everything completely??

 

Thoughts?

[NoMoreJerks]

Nope, sorry, wouldn't take him back, even if he were to shoot himself in the head otherwise. Nope. NEVER. Never again. No. End of story. That ship has long sailed. He should've treasured me while he had me, instead of discarding me like some plague-infested object. And he should've thought about the consequences of his decision before breaking my heart. My heart is not some object that people can practice stabbing repeatedly. I am a VERY forgiving person, but this is one of the few things I will NEVER forgive. I am not some ball game where he gets the chance for multiple strikes.

Edited January 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[RespectfullyAlone]

Jono sometimes people can forgive someone they love. It doesn't mean they will always do so, if the one they love never changes themselves.

 

I want my ex back, and I look at your post and go hmmm, what's the problem, it's all i want is to have her come back to me. I love her, I could forgive her in time, if she never did this ever again.

[Jono85]

Nope, sorry, wouldn't take him back, even if he were to shoot himself in the head otherwise. Nope. NEVER. Never again. No. End of story. That ship has long sailed. He should've treasured me while he had me, instead of discarding me like some plague-infested object. And he should've thought about the consequences of his decision before breaking my heart. My heart is not some object that people can practice stabbing repeatedly. I am a VERY forgiving person, but this is one of the few things I will NEVER forgive. I am not some ball game where he gets the chance for multiple strikes.

 

i hear you. but i know a decent % of ppl will take back these people and i'm just trying to wrap my head around it. not even saying our stance is correct, maybe we have ego issues, who knows. i'm just trying to hear some justification for the counter argument.

 

disclaimer: i'm not in this position, my ex recently started dating someone new though and although she claims it's not serious yet, she has "strong feelings" for him and they're "active", so for me, i just feel that's it, it. even if she comes back one day (probs less than 6.3% chance...), i don't see how i can take her back.

[Jono85]

Jono sometimes people can forgive someone they love. It doesn't mean they will always do so, if the one they love never changes themselves.

 

I want my ex back, and I look at your post and go hmmm, what's the problem, it's all i want is to have her come back to me. I love her, I could forgive her in time, if she never did this ever again.

 

fair enough. i'm glad you gave your opinion for the counter argument. i guess for me, i could find forgiveness. like i understand when you look back now, you feel you f*cked up, and wish you never left me, and your sorry. i can forgive you for causing me pain. you did what you had to do at the time. but i just can't fathom accepting them back b/c the memories of me being discarded and kicked from her life, unfortunately, will always be there. the memories of the pain i went through when discovering she's doing all the sexual/cutesy things she once loved doing with me, with another lover, and i was relegated to a simple "ex-boyfriend" title, zero sort of contact/relationship, those memories will never leave (i doubt). yes the pain will subside for sure, but the memories live. and to think, IF things worked out with the new lover, she'd never come back to me. that IF would always linger as well.

[NoMoreJerks]

i hear you. but i know a decent % of ppl will take back these people and i'm just trying to wrap my head around it. not even saying our stance is correct, maybe we have ego issues, who knows. i'm just trying to hear some justification for the counter argument.

 

disclaimer: i'm not in this position, my ex recently started dating someone new though and although she claims it's not serious yet, she has "strong feelings" for him and they're "active", so for me, i just feel that's it, it. even if she comes back one day (probs less than 6.3% chance...), i don't see how i can take her back.

No, I don't think it's ego, to be honest. In my case, it's self-protection and basic survivalism. My heart has been torn to pieces, not once, but twice, after I gave my ex everything he could ever have dreamt of, everything that any man could've hoped for. It still was not good enough for him and he went ahead and broke my heart. Why should I take him back ? What guarantees do I have that he will not do it again? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me! I need to protect myself and my feelings, and move on with my life. I cannot be someone's fallback plan, which is what you inevitably are, if you were dumped and then returned to and asked for a second chance. In their mind, you will always be that fallback girl, and they will not hesitate to leave you again, if they find someone who they think is better than you. They know, deep down, that they have you hooked, and that you will keep taking them back. No, I will not play those mind-f*cking games. I've been dragged into it once, I will not fall for it again, even if it's with another guy. Adults should weigh the pros and cons and consequences of their decision, BEFORE going around and breaking the hearts of the people who loved them. Once you break my heart, you have lost the right to receive my love or my forgiveness. I might sound like a cruel b*tch, but better be that than be a doormat. I was the type of person who would have taken my ex back (and did). Now? No. Not a chance in hell, even if he were the only man alive on the planet.

 

When I took my ex back, I did it because I chalked up the first break-up to one of those silly arguments that happen in every relationship, that we both may have overreacted to. I put most of the blame on myself, because I wanted to desperately convince myself that the situation wasn't *that* bad, and that if I took him back, we could easily go back to "normal". I blamed myself for what had happened, thought I may have been too demanding, and even felt bad for him because I didn't want to be cruel and reject him, when I knew he had issues from the past (being dumped by his ex). Now, I realize that yes, it WAS that bad. The relationship was bad/abusive, and I should never have forgiven him for the poor and disrepectful manner in which he treated me. You don't mistreat and disrespect someone you love. I was scared of regretting not giving him a second chance -- I was constantly living in the past, questioning my decisions, entertaining different scenarios, instead of learning to let go and accept reality. I also feared abandonment and loneliness (due to growing up in a dysfunctional family and fearing abandonment throughout my childhood), so I wanted to desperately hold on to him and when he gave me that chance, I grabbed onto him like a drowning man might hold on to even a snake...

Edited January 11, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[oracle]

RUN

 

What starts in blood, ends in blood.. once the honeymoon is over again.. they will be back at square one. You know what they are capable of. History typically repeats itself..

[oracle]

They can and will.

 

I lived this scenario..... Ex left me once 1 year in... then did it again 13 years later. Same gamey BS both times.

 

People don't change.

 

Jono sometimes people can forgive someone they love. It doesn't mean they will always do so, if the one they love never changes themselves.

 

I want my ex back, and I look at your post and go hmmm, what's the problem, it's all i want is to have her come back to me. I love her, I could forgive her in time, if she never did this ever again.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

I'm with NoMoreJerks on this one. I would not take my ex back. I'm done and this is coming from an almost 9 year relationship in which we were engaged. If my ex loved me she wouldn't have hurt me. I was pining over her after the breakup and I know there was someone else in the picture. After awhile I realized my self worth and decided to focus on me. I gave my ex everything and I always put her first. So much so that I neglected myself. Its been a few months and now that I'm stronger I would not take her back.

 

I have a friend that is in the exact same situation but in opposite roles. She left her ex for another guy thinking that he was better off and would not look back. She felt she fell out of love with her ex. 1 year goes by and she realizes what she lost and now shes pinning over her ex. The sad part about it is that her ex is had moved on and is with someone else now. She has made it clear to him that she wants him back and is willing to wait but he is done. She often ask me if my ex wanted me back would I take her back. My answer before was always yes because I was still hurt and willing to forgive. As time goes by your feelings die out and you become stronger and realize that its just not worth it. So now when she asks me if I would take my ex back....my answer is a resounding NO!

[FailedFirstLove]

Once I've healed and moved on. NEVER! I'm not going bak to someone who left me high and dry without any compassion what so ever! If it ended mutually then yeah there's a chance. But noooooo way! He never cared when I was crying my eyes out! The same issues will most likely rise again. And what does he do? DUMP ME FOR THE SECOND TIME! It's to protect myself. I will not go back

[fetish1980]

Nope. I'm with everyone else on this case scenario. HELL NO!

 

How can you honestly be a self respecting man or woman when you take someone back who left you without any regard to how you feel and go hook up with other people?

 

While I respect someone who's able to be honest and upfront of this, it still doesn't change the fact that they hurt you, destroyed your world, and treated you like yesterday's garbage.

 

Sadly, i was in this situation 2 years ago when my relationship/engagement of 8 years ended. It was the most devastating thing I had ever experienced next to death of a loved one. My ex left and gave up on the relationship way too easy. This all arose after I confronted her of gambling and trust issues.

 

I am in a much better place now and am able to admit to myself that there was probably someone else in the picture. She tried to come back months later, but I just couldn't trust her enough to risk my self esteem on her again. She made the decision to leave, that's when my focus immediately went toward my self healing and rediscovering my self worth. She no longer had a place in my life. Also, the fact that she wanted me to do some reaching out to her told me she was more interested in feeding her own ego.

 

fetish

[jovan]

NO NO NO NO. Just turn around and find some1 who will really appreciate you for who you are.

[Sanctionne]

This hits very close to home right about now. I loved a man dearly with all of my heart. We were friends and more. It was everything I ever wanted in a relationship. However, we were never technically 'In a Relationship' I held out for over 2 yrs and one night when he was drunk he came to my home crying over another female. At that moment I knew exactly why it is was that he wouldn't commit to me. Because he had been holding out for this other girl (who was NOT interested in him and I was a friend of his). It took me nearly 2 yrs to get over it. I completely lost my mind, my job and nearly lost my life. I will never be the same again, that experience changed me and I have become this person that I don't even recognize. Unfortunately I didn't realize the extent of the damage until I entered a new relationship, which I completely destroyed all on my own. ... Anyway. The guy from yrs ago has been trying to enter my life again. He now claims to be in love w/me, wants to spend his life making things up to me etc. However, I will not allow myself to be someones 2nd to last choice. I deserve to be #1. Maybe now I am his #1 choice, but that is his problem, because getting over him was the hardest things I've ever had to do and will kick me own a** if I were to let him enter my life again. It's really unfortunate because I really did love him and still do.

[Harradin]

I'm gonna try put a positive spin on it, I think everyone deserves a second chance, everyone makes mistakes. But in order to gain it they have to prove by actions they're willing to do ANYTHING to gain forgiveness. If they go through all that effort, then I would say they deserve that secind chance. But if they blow the second chance, thats it, no more chances.

 

If my ex ever tried to come back (the circumstances are a tad complicated,) I'd make her prove that she deserved that second chance.

[Samilia]

In most cases Id take that as a booty call. Something familiar they go back too.

[Arabella]

I'm gonna try put a positive spin on it, I think everyone deserves a second chance, everyone makes mistakes. But in order to gain it they have to prove by actions they're willing to do ANYTHING to gain forgiveness. If they go through all that effort, then I would say they deserve that secind chance. But if they blow the second chance, thats it, no more chances.

 

If my ex ever tried to come back (the circumstances are a tad complicated,) I'd make her prove that she deserved that second chance.

 

I'm confused as to why everyone here is acting like the dumper is automatically a bad person for leaving and should ask for forgiveness to be taken back by the dumpee.

 

People break up for a myriad of reasons, and oftentimes, the dumpee deserves to be dumped and the dumper shouldn't have to feel guilty about it!

 

Case in point... I left my ex because he was a compulsive liar, immature and lazy. The relationship was slowly killing me, and I had to go for my own sanity. I am with someone else now, but he still wants me back 8 months after the break up. He says he's changed. I'm not buying it.

 

It is possible for a dumper to leave for a legitimate reason. If enough time goes by (months, years?) and the dumpee gets his/her act together, the dumper might reconsider and be willing to give them another shot. I don't think, however, that the dumper should ask for the dumpee's forgiveness in that situation.

 

Every relationship is different, and the dumpee is by no means a victim just because they were the ones who were left.

[Jono85]

i must admit, i'm a little surprised with the responses given how many times this happens in life (as even evidenced by the second chance forum) and how often it seems the dumpees are willing to accept the dumper back.

 

maybe SOME of these answers reflect what we'd want to do vs. what we would do?

 

 

i dunno, i've only been in this situation once, and i refused the relationship. i did end up screwing her casually for a bit, and did again over the recent holidays (7+ years later) but i have absolutely no feelings now (other than she's sexy) and don't even really enjoy spending time with her other than when i'm drunk/horny. i don't think she's looking for anything serious with me either so i don't feel so bad.

 

 

but yeah i dunno, the only thing about MY situation with my current ex, is that i put her through a LOT of pain. i broke up with her a couple times and basically didn't return a single ILY the entire relationship until the end when i poured my heart out and we did try again but it was ultimately too late (her feelings had left). so there's a large part of me that feels responsible for her losing her feelings, b/c she was totally hung up on me for many months and i just didn't feel the same way. BUT, when i totally poured my heart out, and we tried for a bit, she gave up sooo easily and was done with it after a few fights (nothing major). i understand her feelings weren't strong anymore, but i mean if i was this special guy that was so different from all her exes and she wanted to marry me month(s) prior, then why couldn't she at least give us more of a chance than 2-3 weeks when i finally was pouring my heart out and giving her everything she always wanted to hear? meh. i guess time will tell. again, i have no idea whether i'll even get the opportunity to decide (my ego obv wants it), so this is all a little premature. i'm just coming to terms with the finality of everything now that she's dating someone else and f*cking someone else. feels like finally, it's over over and no point of return.

[Harradin]

I'm confused as to why everyone here is acting like the dumper is automatically a bad person for leaving and should ask for forgiveness to be taken back by the dumpee.

 

People break up for a myriad of reasons, and oftentimes, the dumpee deserves to be dumped and the dumper shouldn't have to feel guilty about it!

 

Case in point... I left my ex because he was a compulsive liar, immature and lazy. The relationship was slowly killing me, and I had to go for my own sanity. I am with someone else now, but he still wants me back 8 months after the break up. He says he's changed. I'm not buying it.

 

It is possible for a dumper to leave for a legitimate reason. If enough time goes by (months, years?) and the dumpee gets his/her act together, the dumper might reconsider and be willing to give them another shot. I don't think, however, that the dumper should ask for the dumpee's forgiveness in that situation.

 

Every relationship is different, and the dumpee is by no means a victim just because they were the ones who were left.

 

I can only speak from experience really, in my case my ex left me for my 'friend' out of the blue a week after she found out her parents got divorced (she was really cut up about it.) She gave me no reasons why and even when I asked she refused to give me any.

 

I found out from mutual friends that my 'friend' found out she was upset and manipulated her to leave me for him, despite the warnings that my mutual friends had given her about his manipulation (he tried to manipulate others in the past specifically when they were upset.) Looking back, I treated her like gold and even after she found out about her parent's divorce, I was with her that whole week and she was telling me how much she loved me and how grateful she was that I was there for her. So as far as I'm concerned I did nothing wrong, I didn't deserve to be dumped, so if she ever did come back, she'd have to earn my forgiveness. My 2 cents relating to my situation.

 

In cases like mine then the dumper needs to get forgiveness from the dumpee, as the dumpee did nothing wrong.

[Arabella]

In cases like mine then the dumper needs to get forgiveness from the dumpee, as the dumpee did nothing wrong.

 

I agree, in cases like yours, the dumper acted immaturely and showed a lack of commitment and love.

 

My post, however, addresses the fact that in many situations, the dumper has pretty darn good reasons to dump that person, and here they're being vilified... as if the dumpee is always a victim.

 

That's simply not the case.

 

-A

[Coping Vortex]

In the case of my current ex. Yes I would take her back whole heartily. It would be tough to know she had been having sex with another guy but that is part of life. She already admitted our sex life was better the last time she bread crumbed me so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

 

I love her her like no one else and we totally connected and we were together for years. There was a series of events that occurred that caused her to BU with me and her GF's pressured her to meet another guy which she did. It was mostly a matter of circumstance and timing. There was a core issue that started the reason for the BU but that could have been worked through.

 

Other than all of that we were so right for each other. I think the only reason we aren't together now is that she took all of her feelings for me and projected them onto her new rebound relationship. The reality is my ex would never come back though, even if she wanted to. Not her nature. She would feel embarrassed to admit what she did to me. She has low self esteem. she would be scared to get rejected by me.

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm confused as to why everyone here is acting like the dumper is automatically a bad person for leaving and should ask for forgiveness to be taken back by the dumpee.

 

People break up for a myriad of reasons, and oftentimes, the dumpee deserves to be dumped and the dumper shouldn't have to feel guilty about it!

 

Case in point... I left my ex because he was a compulsive liar, immature and lazy. The relationship was slowly killing me, and I had to go for my own sanity. I am with someone else now, but he still wants me back 8 months after the break up. He says he's changed. I'm not buying it.

 

It is possible for a dumper to leave for a legitimate reason. If enough time goes by (months, years?) and the dumpee gets his/her act together, the dumper might reconsider and be willing to give them another shot. I don't think, however, that the dumper should ask for the dumpee's forgiveness in that situation.

 

Every relationship is different, and the dumpee is by no means a victim just because they were the ones who were left.

Your situation is reversed and different. As the dumper, YOU are not the one who is asking for a second chance. The dumpee is the one asking for the "second chance" in this case. It's VERY different IMO.

[Tmo2]

Would I take my ex back? Yes/No ... She left because I lost ambitions and became very lazy (because of smoking drugs, insecurities manifested). It is also a time in her life that she wants to live new things before settling down. She is 23 and never went out much, I was her first boyfriend.

 

I am looking for long-term commitment. If she were to come back with a changed mindset, and depending where I'm at, I would consider dating at first. We had a strong intimate connection, so maybe it could work. However, there are so many variables that need to be accounted for, and because of this breakup, my trust in her is at an all time low. I would need for her to really open up for once and clearly state her intentions for me to start considering it a possibility. One thing is for sure: I will be stiff on what I want from now on and if she does not ''fit'' my new desires, it simply won't happen.

 

btw we were long distance during school, and 2.5 years into it.

[Arabella]

Your situation is reversed and different. As the dumper, YOU are not the one who is asking for a second chance. The dumpee is the one asking for the "second chance" in this case. It's VERY different IMO.

 

I see your point, but say for argument's sake (not my intent at all!) that two years down the road, my ex isn't asking to get back with me anymore, but I see he's got his **** together and I decide to ask him if he wants to give it another go. I still don't think I should be asking for forgiveness, you know?

 

All this generalizing here bugged me a bit so I just thought I'd throw in another perspective.

[Tmo2]

I see your point, but say for argument's sake that two years down the road, my ex isn't asking to get back with me anymore, but I see he's got his **** together and I decide to ask him if he wants to give it another go. I still don't think I should be asking for forgiveness, you know

 

I think forgiveness will help the dumpee regain trust in the partner. Asking for forgiveness probably would help with the reconciliation.

[NoMoreJerks]

I see your point, but say for argument's sake (not my intent at all!) that two years down the road, my ex isn't asking to get back with me anymore, but I see he's got his **** together and I decide to ask him if he wants to give it another go. I still don't think I should be asking for forgiveness, you know?

 

All this generalizing here bugged me a bit so I just thought I'd throw in another perspective.

Well,I think you should.... sorry, but, IMO, if you care about someone, and love them, you wouldn't check out just like that, because they are acting immature, lazy, etc. (all of which my ex was!). You would fight for the relationship (like I did). You would talk to him, try to get him to change, be a bit patient, and give him ample opportunity to change. I did. In the end, he never did change, and it WAS indeed affecting my sanity, but I gave him more chances, until, well, HE dumped ME. If I had dumped him, and then he got his act together, I would've apologized, if I wanted him back. It's not the same type of apology as when the dumper dumps someone because they wanna go around and stick their d*ck into other women, but it would still be a form of an apology for checking out and not putting trust in his willingness to change. Sure, he might not have changed if you had not left him -- maybe he needed that wake-up call -- but that's another story altogether. And in this case, IMO, the apologizing should be mutual, not one-sided (from the dumper). That's if the dumpee even wants to take the dumper back.