When the dumper gives up, dates other ppl, then comes back...

[Tmo2]

If I had dumped him, and then he got his act together, I would've apologized, if I wanted him back. It's not the same type of apology as when the dumper dumps someone, but it would still be a form of an apology for checking out and not putting trust in his willingness to change. . . And in this case, IMO, the apologizing should be mutual, not one-sided

 

It's not the same type of apology, and it will probably happen naturally anyways.

[stillafool]

No I would never take them back because I would already be involved with someone else.

[Arabella]

Well,I think you should.... sorry, but, IMO, if you care about someone, and love them, you wouldn't check out just like that, because they are acting immature, lazy, etc. (all of which my ex was!). You would fight for the relationship (like I did). You would talk to him, try to get him to change, be a bit patient, and give him ample opportunity to change. I did. In the end, he never did change, and it WAS indeed affecting my sanity, but I gave him more chances, until, well, HE dumped ME. If I had dumped him, and then he got his act together, I would've apologized, if I wanted him back. It's not the same type of apology as when the dumper dumps someone because they wanna go around and stick their d*ck into other women, but it would still be a form of an apology for checking out and not putting trust in his willingness to change. Sure, he might not have changed if you had not left him -- maybe he needed that wake-up call -- but that's another story altogether. And in this case, IMO, the apologizing should be mutual, not one-sided (from the dumper). That's if the dumpee even wants to take the dumper back.

 

You're assuming I left "just like that". I spent a year and a half living with this person. Day after day he would lie to me about everything (from practically day 1), even the littlest of things. The whole time he spent saying he'd get a job, and never even tried except for when I got him one. I supported him financially 100%. I was subjected to constant emotional abuse, to the point where I wasn't even allowed to sleep. By the time I left, I was suicidal. Yeah, it was that bad.

 

I gave him a million chances and he wasted them all. Everything was thoroughly talked out and he even went to therapy. Nothing changed.

 

I still think that he is a basically good person who was mentally unstable and handled things terribly. We loved each other very much, but his actions killed my love for him in the end. At one point, I considered that if later down the road we were still single and he'd got his act together, we might give it another shot. That's changed now, obviously, as I am no longer single.

 

Don't tell me I didn't fight and I should apologize, however... if I were to even consider getting back together with this guy, I'd still expect an apology from him for the things he did to me at the time. Even if I was the one who suggested it.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Arabella

[NoMoreJerks]

Then you should've left him as soon as you saw the red flags. I mean, I wouldn't have stuck around MINE for much longer than I did (6 months). If he hadn't dumped me, I would've. To stick around for so long , when you were being used and abused like that, is your fault, not his, and tells me that you had issues (co-dependency being one) just as much as he did... You were also being selfish in holding on to someone who just wasn't relationship material at that point in time. Maybe he wanted out, and didn't know how to do it. There are a thousand possibilities. Who knows. However, I think you are partly to blame for the situation getting so bad. You were practically babysitting him and giving him no incentive to change. I still stand by what I said: if you were to get back together, I think both of you should've apologized -- for different reasons and in different ways. This is a different situation than when someone dumps their gf because he wants to go to Thailand on a regular basis to stick his d*ck into Thai prostitutes.... sorry, but it is not the same.

[Coping Vortex]

Well,I think you should.... sorry, but, IMO, if you care about someone, and love them, you wouldn't check out just like that, because they are acting immature, lazy, etc. (all of which my ex was!). You would fight for the relationship (like I did). You would talk to him, try to get him to change, be a bit patient, and give him ample opportunity to change. I did. In the end, he never did change, and it WAS indeed affecting my sanity, but I gave him more chances, until, well, HE dumped ME. If I had dumped him, and then he got his act together, I would've apologized, if I wanted him back. It's not the same type of apology as when the dumper dumps someone because they wanna go around and stick their d*ck into other women, but it would still be a form of an apology for checking out and not putting trust in his willingness to change. Sure, he might not have changed if you had not left him -- maybe he needed that wake-up call -- but that's another story altogether. And in this case, IMO, the apologizing should be mutual, not one-sided (from the dumper). That's if the dumpee even wants to take the dumper back.

 

I agree. Fight for the relationship at all costs. But most women don't work that way and I assume some men. Most women can throw the switch out of the blue if something is not right in the relationship. And then be resigned to staying the course. Often if a woman realizes too late that she does want the man back she may have already gotten herself involved with another or the ex guy is bitter by then. I have had this happen in past relationships.

 

I have always felt to fight for the relationship, unless either of you truly have fallen out of love or this is some sort of abuse verbal etc. But to be in love and BU over a moment of anger or miscommunication is a shame.

[Arabella]

Then you should've left him as soon as you saw the red flags. I mean, I wouldn't have stuck around MINE for much longer than I did (6 months). If he hadn't dumped me, I would've. To stick around for so long , when you were being used and abused like that, is your fault, not his, and tells me that you had issues (co-dependency being one) just as much as he did... You were also being selfish in holding on to someone who just wasn't relationship material at that point in time. Maybe he wanted out, and didn't know how to do it. There are a thousand possibilities. Who knows. However, I think you are partly to blame for the situation getting so bad. You were practically babysitting him and giving him no incentive to change. I still stand by what I said: if you were to get back together, I think both of you should've apologized -- for different reasons and in different ways. This is a different situation than when someone dumps their gf because he wants to go to Thailand on a regular basis to stick his d*ck into Thai prostitutes.... sorry, but it is not the same.

 

I would never apologize to him. I see what I did as giving him a chance to change -- fighting for the relationship. I did not "babysit him".. I tried to help. He did not do anything to prove to me that it was worth my time and sanity, so I left. We're going to have to agree to disagree

 

I do think that they're different situations, and that's exactly the point I was trying to make.

 

Not every dumper should apologize...

[kettleblack]

Hey Jono. Came over from my thread as you asked me to chime in. Happy to do so. I'll answer your query in two ways....by responding to your general query and by expanding upon my own particular situation (sorry only read through first page of responses).

 

I. The General Premise

 

From what you stated, I think the answer lies in one thing and one thing only. If, for whatever reason, the dumpee is still in love with the dumper, anything is possible. Being in love is a rare and intoxicating emotion. It interferes with logic and completely subverts pride. Vision is clouded and you pine to hold the object of your affections in your arms. I would never underestimate the power of love's hold on someone.

 

Thats not to say the dumpee should accept the dumper back in their life without some form of conditions/understanding. The dumper should work to be reintegrated in the dumpee's life (what defines "work" will vary from situation to situation) to give some assurances to the dumpee of their sincerity.

 

Of course, none of this gurantees the dumpee will not get burned again and worse, but for some its worth the risk.

 

II. My situation

 

As you know from my thread, the ex has returned after a year of NC. She dumped me. I'm not sure why she has come back. It could be a friendly update, something more selfish or a genuine attempt at reconciliation. What confuses me more is that after 2 substantial emails, she's been dark for 2 weeks. I haven't the faintest clue as to whats up, which is why I created my thread.

 

But in my situation, while there were problems, I feel I was responsible for more of our issues (unfortunately I wasn't the happiest person in the world during the latter half of our dating life-for various personal reasons-which left me quite the negative partner), so I don't blame her for wanting out. Additionally, while she may have dated, so have I. It took me time to proceed to trying out other romantic partners but I felt I couldn't just not act to progress my life. So on the dating front their is party between us...no one has the upper hand.

 

Finally, I'm unsure of my emotions towards her. I do love her but after a year of NC and attempting to connect with other women, the fiery, overwhelming, logic reducing feelings of being "in love" have cooled, which makes me more capable of approaching the situation with a level head. Had this been a year ago there would have been NO DOUBT that I wanted her back regardless of the pain of the breakup for the reasons stated in part "I" of my answer. I was still, most certainly, IN LOVE.

Edited January 12, 2013 by kettleblack

[Joyvke]

At the moment I would. After a year of years? No screw that. They should have realized it sooner then that.

[Jono85]

But in my situation, while there were problems, I feel I was responsible for more of our issues (unfortunately I wasn't the happiest person in the world during the latter half of our dating life-for various personal reasons-which left me quite the negative partner), so I don't blame her for wanting out. Additionally, while she may have dated, so have I. It took me time to proceed to trying out other romantic partners but I felt I couldn't just not act to progress my life. So on the dating front their is party between us...no one has the upper hand.

 

hey kettleblack, appreciate the input and coming from the other thread.

 

i personally have issues with the whole, 'well i've dated and had romantic partners too, so we're on equal ground there'. my ex, so she says (who knows though..), has only had sex with this one guy she's now dating, and would make it a point to tell me, until him, that she still hasn't slept with anyone since me (no idea why she'd tell me that when she's the one who doesn't want to be together, but that's a different story). i on the other hand have slept with 3 different girls, and slept with another person much sooner than her. BUT, i don't even think i have any upperhand, she is the one who doesn't want me anymore. i'm forced to move on. i have realized that sleeping with girls, although gives some pleasure in the moment, makes me feel worse afterwards, as everytime i've wished it were my ex afterwards where i can just cuddle her and let her sleep on me as she falls asleep. but she's getting into a relationship/f*cking a new dude not b/c she must to move on, but b/c she wants to and genuinely likes him. she would rather try things with him, than try things with me. so it's a completely different dynamic imo. sure the dumpee will have dated, and had partners, but what are they supposed to do, just stay celibate hoping their ex comes back?

 

guess i just don't see the equal ground there, but it's just my opinion.

[KatZee]

In my opinion and from my experience with my ex, I don't get how I could ever go back to him if he hypothetically came back around asking for forgiveness.

 

I don't see how I could ever feel comfortable around him, his friends, his family or anyone associated with him ever again. I would have absolutely no dignity if I went back to him.

 

My ex cheated on me. He lied to me from virtually day one. All his friends knew he cheated on me. He cheated on me with his ex and HER friends knew he cheated on me. I was played for a fool for years.

 

To ever go back to him would make me look so stupid. Could I ever forgive him? If he came and apologized like a man, possibly. Could I ever go back to him? No.

 

He threw me out like garbage. Never put one ounce of effort into our relationship for the entire time we were together. Lied constantly. Cheated. Was completely shallow with his love. Never communicated.

 

There is absolutely no reason I would ever go back to that. Ever.

[na49]

In my opinion and from my experience with my ex, I don't get how I could ever go back to him if he hypothetically came back around asking for forgiveness.

 

I don't see how I could ever feel comfortable around him, his friends, his family or anyone associated with him ever again. I would have absolutely no dignity if I went back to him.

 

My ex cheated on me. He lied to me from virtually day one. All his friends knew he cheated on me. He cheated on me with his ex and HER friends knew he cheated on me. I was played for a fool for years.

 

To ever go back to him would make me look so stupid. Could I ever forgive him? If he came and apologized like a man, possibly. Could I ever go back to him? No.

 

He threw me out like garbage. Never put one ounce of effort into our relationship for the entire time we were together. Lied constantly. Cheated. Was completely shallow with his love. Never communicated.

 

There is absolutely no reason I would ever go back to that. Ever.

 

My ex cheated on me. She went to her friends and talked trash about me.

 

Can you explain to me why the hell I want this person to apologize and come back into my life? I can't figure it out for the life of me. Why can't I have your attitude towards this whole situation?

[Jono85]

^^ u guys are talking about relationships that involved cheating though (in OP i mentioned relationships without cheating or abuse, etc). i def agree that there should be no reason to every accept cheaters back. well i mean ppl do it, and i can't say as i haven't been in that situation, but i'd like to feel certain that i would never allow them back.

[KatZee]

My ex cheated on me. She went to her friends and talked trash about me.

 

Can you explain to me why the hell I want this person to apologize and come back into my life? I can't figure it out for the life of me. Why can't I have your attitude towards this whole situation?

 

Give it a little bit of time. In the beginning I wanted my ex back as well. But I believe that was because he lowered my self-esteem so tremendously. I was always on eggshells around him. I lacked confidence. He was so critical of me. Nothing I did was good enough. The way I lived my life sucked, my job sucked, because I still lived at home with my parents I sucked. He had me brainwashed that I was this unproductive, unsuccessful, loser of a person. The longer I stayed away from him and in NC was when I started to see my actual worth. I'm actually a great catch. A great girlfriend. A great person with so much to offer.

 

Once I started to see those things about myself, I started to see HIM for who he really was. Liar. Cheater. Selfish. Self absorbed. Narcissist. Negative. Immature.

 

Why does someone like that, deserve someone like me? He doesn't. Once you see your ex for who he is you'll start to see things the way I do.

[kettleblack]

hey kettleblack, appreciate the input and coming from the other thread.

 

i personally have issues with the whole, 'well i've dated and had romantic partners too, so we're on equal ground there'. my ex, so she says (who knows though..), has only had sex with this one guy she's now dating, and would make it a point to tell me, until him, that she still hasn't slept with anyone since me (no idea why she'd tell me that when she's the one who doesn't want to be together, but that's a different story). i on the other hand have slept with 3 different girls, and slept with another person much sooner than her. BUT, i don't even think i have any upperhand, she is the one who doesn't want me anymore. i'm forced to move on. i have realized that sleeping with girls, although gives some pleasure in the moment, makes me feel worse afterwards, as everytime i've wished it were my ex afterwards where i can just cuddle her and let her sleep on me as she falls asleep. but she's getting into a relationship/f*cking a new dude not b/c she must to move on, but b/c she wants to and genuinely likes him. she would rather try things with him, than try things with me. so it's a completely different dynamic imo. sure the dumpee will have dated, and had partners, but what are they supposed to do, just stay celibate hoping their ex comes back?

 

guess i just don't see the equal ground there, but it's just my opinion.

 

Well I guess its just that our scenarios differ. Neither my ex nor I have rubbed the number of sexual partners since our breakup in each other's faces. I would find that completely unacceptable/immature and would agree with you on this front. In my case, we've both dated, we both know it but we haven't explored these experiences in any depth. We're both adults...it was inevitable that we would date, we would have relations with others.

 

But in the end if both parties understand a tragic mistake was made in breaking up, then I see no issue discussing reconciliation. The content of such discussion will depend on the circumstances of the breakup though...

 

We have one life to live. Each passing day draws you nearer to the inevitable. No sense missing out on something special over a bruised ego IF YOU STILL CARE GENUINELY FOR YOUR EX and feel your ex is being SINCERE.