Being Judgemental

[unluckyinlove4]

Who's being judgmental? ME....and I admit it, although I hate it. I'm the type of person who really tries to see the good in everyone, but I'm unable at this point. I haven't admitted this to my friends because I feel like it makes me sound like a horrible person.

 

One of my exes and I have had some major drama in the past (won't go all into detail, but some pretty traumatizing stuff happened). At any rate, he wanted a commitment, but I wanted to wait and see and take things slowly. Not being one to EVER be alone, he went and committed to another girl right away--and a lot of our mutual friends have said he did it because I wouldn't commit to him and that he doesn't want me to know he's with her because it would ruin his chances with me. It's sort of an open secret. It seems he's jerked her around a lot and used her as a comfort and replacement for me. He also has never admitted to me he's with her, even though recently he's been talking to me quite a bit....he'll talk to me about EVERYTHING ELSE but his love life and has said things like, "If we were together..." and "When we were together..."

 

For a lot of reasons, I think being friends with him is a really good idea, but dating him again is not. However, I have lost a ton of respect for him for dating this girl, something I just sort of put my finger on. I've lost respect for him because he's sort of thrashed her about, and because....well....she's super trashy. He's a very intelligent PhD student who dresses well and comes from a nice family and he's always dated girls of similar standing. Now I'm not saying you have to be of the same standing to date one another at all....but this girl is just...ick.

 

They were friends at the time he and I were "dating" and I did get to know her a little bit. She is nice....but well, in a word, trashy. She has slept with all of his friends, has slept with most of her guy friends, clings on to every guy and is constantly all over them (I've seen her on the laps of several men and motorboating boys with girlfriends...quite literally), she wears very revealing clothing at all times (short skirts, corsets, fish-nets, boobs out), tons of make-up, has stolen money and gifts from her parents and friends to give to him, chain smokes and gets black out drunk (even though she has chronic health issues, for which she doesn't take her medicine) and puts on a ditz act in front of men. A few times, I've also noticed she has sort of smelled badly.

 

She has a skinny waist and big boobs, so I think guys think she has a hot body and evidently a lot of men in their social circle want to be her boyfriend...mostly because I think she clings to them and makes them feel very special around her.

 

But something about him having had sex with her makes me very grossed out and makes it hard not to judge him for having pursued a relationship with her. I feel so terribly, because I don't think anyone has the right to be judged and I think she has every right to have someone who treats her well, but I don't get my feelings. A lot of my exes have dated or had sex with women that aren't very attractive, but maybe never this much of a train wreck, so it doesn't really bother me that they've dated these people.

 

How do I get over this? I don't like this feeling inside of myself...

Edited January 11, 2013 by unluckyinlove4

[NoMagicBullet]

Yet another example of why I am against being friends with exes.

 

I see several different things going on here:

1) The poor girl is an ego boost for him and little more than that. If anything, try to feel sorry for her.

2) You and your ex are clearly not over each other. More drama, even if only internally and emotionally, even when you're not together.

3) It's damn unfair of him to try to be with this other girl when he's not over you. In other words, he ain't that great and/or mature for the committed relationship he supposedly wants.

4) YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS ACTIONS OR HERS.

5) You are making yourself miserable by trying to be "friends" when that's not really what you want, and then ruminating about things that fall under #4.

 

You won't like my advice: put an end to the drama, and quit being friends with him. Stay away from both of them. Go NC and let yourself heal. The only thing you can control is what you choose to do.

 

P.S. I often suspect that when an ex starts dating a person that is, shall we say, lacking the good qualities that their partner brought to the relationship, that it reflects the ex's insecurity and fragile ego, and possibly their need to have someone they can more easily control. But that's just my two-bit theory, so take that with a grain of salt. I can't say it's true or true specifically in this case.

[unluckyinlove4]

Yet another example of why I am against being friends with exes.

 

I see several different things going on here:

1) The poor girl is an ego boost for him and little more than that. If anything, try to feel sorry for her.

2) You and your ex are clearly not over each other. More drama, even if only internally and emotionally, even when you're not together.

3) It's damn unfair of him to try to be with this other girl when he's not over you. In other words, he ain't that great and/or mature for the committed relationship he supposedly wants.

4) YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS ACTIONS OR HERS.

5) You are making yourself miserable by trying to be "friends" when that's not really what you want, and then ruminating about things that fall under #4.

 

You won't like my advice: put an end to the drama, and quit being friends with him. Stay away from both of them. Go NC and let yourself heal. The only thing you can control is what you choose to do.

 

P.S. I often suspect that when an ex starts dating a person that is, shall we say, lacking the good qualities that their partner brought to the relationship, that it reflects the ex's insecurity and fragile ego, and possibly their need to have someone they can more easily control. But that's just my two-bit theory, so take that with a grain of salt. I can't say it's true or true specifically in this case.

 

Thanks! I don't think we're over each other....but I'm definitely over seeing him as an option, if that makes sense. Him dating this girl makes it a lot more difficult to see him as an option as well...as in it skeeves me out that he's had sex with her. I'm not sure if he's over seeing me as an option...my sources say no, but that's just hearsay.

 

This girl definitely lacks a lot of those qualities...and a lot of good things that his other exes have had as well. No one is perfect, but he's never dated anyone else quite like...this, shall I say.

Edited January 11, 2013 by unluckyinlove4

[RR1]

Are you sure he was seeing her, the reason i ask is because i have been in a similar situation. I kept getting accused of having an affair i never had, in the end i just got sick to death of denying it, you can only tell someone the truth but you can't make them believe. I got cruxified by this girl for having any female friends, according to her i must have been sleeping with them all when the truth was i had never been interested in seeiing anyone else. She was the girl of my dreams. With hindsight it was just an excuse because she was afraid to commit to anything. I even said to her she could just come round and ask me anything she wanted, i would have taken her to speak to literally anyone she wanted to that she might think i have slept with. I'd have even took a sodding lie detector test. In the end none of it was good enough, i ending up getting accused of everything because i happened to know some women and i happened to have had a relationship before i met her. Well guess what, i don't have a time machine, i have known other women, i can't undo that, but i sure as hell never saw anyone whilst i saw her. Beliveve don't belive, it's the truth. I'm a genuine guy, i have never cheated on anyone in my life and i won't be judged by other people's low standards.

Edited January 11, 2013 by RR1

[redleader]

This guy might be PhD smart , but is not relationship smart at all. Emotional intelligence is not something everyone possesses.

 

Let him make his own mistakes and move on, it seems like he passed on you because he is that insecure he can't stand alone without fast validation, you're better off without him. Someday he might realize what he had with you that is probably now lost forever.

 

If anything yeah feel bad for them, he is clueless and she is a virus that afflicts weak men who will move on to the next in time like any good virus does. It seems not so much a matter of you judging him as much as just losing respect for him through his choices to be with an obvious skeezer over you despite his feelings. Do you feel disappointed that he perhaps isn't what you thought he was? He doesn't seem to respect himself much.

 

It will fade from your mind eventually especially if you meet some new people yourself, but you need to allow yourself the space to do so. Unfriend to avoid social media stalking, lose his number, whatever you have to do. There are residuals still there that need to be dealt with. Unless you can pin a clear value on keeping him around then there isn't really much point if all it does is keep your mind focused on his poor decisions.

[unluckyinlove4]

Are you sure he was seeing her, the reason i ask is because i have been in a similar situation. I kept getting accused of having an affair i never had, in the end i just got sick to death of denying it, you can only tell someone the truth but you can't make them believe. I got cruxified by this girl for having any female friends, according to her i must have been sleeping with them all when the truth was i had never been interested in seeiing anyone else. She was the girl of my dreams. With hindsight it was just an excuse because she was afraid to commit to anything. I even said to her she could just come round and ask me anything she wanted, i would have taken her to speak to literally anyone she wanted to that she might think i have slept with. I'd have even took a sodding lie detector test. In the end none of it was good enough, i ending up getting accused of everything because i happened to know some women and i happened to have had a relationship before i met her. Well guess what, i don't have a time machine, i have known other women, i can't undo that, but i sure as hell never saw anyone whilst i saw her. Beliveve don't belive, it's the truth. I'm a genuine guy, i have never cheated on anyone in my life and i won't be judged by other people's low standards.

 

Yes, I am sure they were together at one point, if not still (likely they are). It has been corroborated by several people and there were comments on her facebook about how hot she thinks he is. He did tell me pointe blank that they were dating at one point (a while back when all the drama started), but he's not mentioned it since. He's purposefully kept her off of his facebook profile, she's not in any pictures with him and he doesn't list that he's in a relationship with her, the way I know he has with other girls. He also has a couple exes who he was with before he met me whose pictures are still up in his albums or profile pictures (same with me), but none of this girl at all.

 

I've definitely never been the jealous type either. If we were still together and the two of them remained friends, I wouldn't have really thought twice aside from being a bit annoyed at her hanging all over him the way she does every other guy. She's also stolen a few things from my friend, which skeeves me out as well.

[unluckyinlove4]

This guy might be PhD smart , but is not relationship smart at all. Emotional intelligence is not something everyone possesses.

 

Let him make his own mistakes and move on, it seems like he passed on you because he is that insecure he can't stand alone without fast validation, you're better off without him. Someday he might realize what he had with you that is probably now lost forever.

 

If anything yeah feel bad for them, he is clueless and she is a virus that afflicts weak men who will move on to the next in time like any good virus does. It seems not so much a matter of you judging him as much as just losing respect for him through his choices to be with an obvious skeezer over you despite his feelings. Do you feel disappointed that he perhaps isn't what you thought he was? He doesn't seem to respect himself much.

 

It will fade from your mind eventually especially if you meet some new people yourself, but you need to allow yourself the space to do so. Unfriend to avoid social media stalking, lose his number, whatever you have to do. There are residuals still there that need to be dealt with. Unless you can pin a clear value on keeping him around then there isn't really much point if all it does is keep your mind focused on his poor decisions.

 

 

He keeps trying to tell me that he didn't pass on me, that I passed on him. It's like both person wants to accuse the other of dumping them. LOL

 

We work together, that's a big catch. I also have seen his (alleged) girlfriend around a few times, but I never know what to say to her so I just usually pretend I didn't see her. Immature, I know, but what do we have to say to one another? (She knows about our relationship history and that he started to date her under shady circumstances.)

 

Yes, lost respect is a good way of putting it.

[unluckyinlove4]

I also get this weird feeling he doesn't want his other exes to know about her.

[redleader]

I also get this weird feeling he doesn't want his other exes to know about her.

 

Oh yes, I've known many men to have a particular woman that never seems to show up at the parties or the bars, but we hear about, I suppose the moped analogy is always a classic for this in "fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see you riding it" . Perhaps he does already have some shame kicking in knowing full well who she is