It's Been So Long... But the Love Never Leaves

[LoveHasNeverLeft]

It's been so long, coming up upon a 4 year anniversary within the next 5 days. Upon a heartwrenching and dreadful day when I thought life was at its worst... and that I simply wanted no more parts of it. Past 3 years now after a divorce and so many things have happened in lives upon separate paths. Yet here I still seem to be, upon a raging sea of emotion that swells nearly everyday.

 

My ex-wife and I had enjoyed many years together, about 7 and a half of them to be more exact; married for a little over 5 of them. We had a wonderful little boy who's been growing up nicely over the years. We had so many things in common, thought the same way, took on tasks in similar fashions. We certainly had our share of arguments alike many other relationships. Money was always a big and sticky issue, not anything out of the ordinary. But it was the sheer lack of other discrepancies that made the relationship so valued, so perfect. It's hindsight that stings me now for not keeping it that way.

 

I "saved" her from a previous love-less marriage, showing her attention and affection that her first husband did not. Maybe that was the initial drawing card, I'm almost sure it was. The downfall was all mine that I couldn't keep it that way. The pristine and cherished relationship that should have been handled with utmost care, love, and compassion was, in ways, taken for granted.

 

I was never one to claim that I was the so horribly wronged. In fact, I'm always the one that says it for the truth it is: I'm the one that screwed it all up, broke it all to pieces. I was the one that didn't work on things together, I retreated into a private world and shut everyone else out. I distanced myself from what had become "routine"... now I only wish I had that routine back.

 

It all basically tossed her right into the arms of another; she seeking comfort and attention away from where it had been lost. It's the natural thing, to awaken to finally see clearly what ills you have performed and what damage you had inflicted, when the shocking finality is presented. I begged and pleaded with her to allow us another chance, that given support and the right push I would make everything right and things would be perfect once more just as they had once been. I knew I needed some particular help in conquering some issues, but if she'd just allow me that chance... for now I truly saw what I had been so blind to... it could all be wondrous once again. This could not be the end.

 

Alas, and with great heartbreaking, it was.

 

It was all 4 years ago, and still it seems like yesterday. We both moved on (or have at least tried to, in my particular case) and established our "new" (but separate) lives: she, with her newly chosen paramour, and I, alone... as I once sought, now totally reluctant to be. I kept trying for the first few months, passed notes and hand-written letters, gave as many indications of how I still felt about her and how much I still wanted to be with her as possible. Time continued to pass onward, and still I tried to do the same. A few dates eventually led into a semi-stable relationship of nearly 2 years. Yet the label of "semi-stable" fits it perfectly. I still carried feelings for my ex... and that would also doom the newfound flame.

 

She has continued on enough to remarry, even have another child. Yet if you'd ever see her, from those that speak to her or associate with her on a more-than-occasional basis, you might get the hint that she's not truly happy. The things she sought in leaving haven't materialized. The woes that plagued she and I plentifully exist in her new marriage. She may have thought she was escaping to the better life she always wanted, but things haven't really changed for her. Children, finances, ability to go out and enjoy life... she has it no better off than we she and I were together. The only replacement has really, in effect, been me. Yet others do say that there's problem's there as well. Her new husband drinks excessively and smokes regularly. I don't condemn these vices, for to each is their own. But I do know such usage has never been her like and I can seriously doubt it sits well with her now. Needless to say, there is a certain aura around her now that seems to give off that very indication of unhappiness.... or at best, being unenthralled with not finding that greener grass upon the other side.

 

Each day that passes I remember the good times and moments my ex and I used to share. We live within a 15-mile radius of one another and, of course, have at least a small semblance of contact due to the son that bonds us. Two years ago I ditched many of the remaining pictures that she and I appeared in together... something I now regret doing seven days a week and twice on Fridays. There are rare days that I actually rise from bed and begin to start my day as if she and I were still together. Obviously, the memories and the emotions are once again at a fevered pitch.

 

Is four years too long to hold any hope of ever reconciling?

 

My very own father and mother divorced and separated for nearly two decades (with he having two marriages in-between) before getting back together. This only fuels my hope and dream at times.

 

Is it just a foolish dream? Am I being simply that stupid?

 

If reconciliation is even dared to be thought about and concretely hoped for, how does it evolve? What do I say and when do I say it? What do I do and when do I do it? How do I get her to believe that she has been forgiven (again, more so that I'm the one that needs such) and she should hold no reservation about ever wanting to come back?

 

How do I get her back?

 

It's been 4 years but my heart still breaks as if only yesterday.

It's been 4 years but the love simply hasn't faded. In fact, it may have grown even stronger.

It's been 4 years and I don't want to endure even 4 more weeks.

 

The Love Has Never Left... and never seemingly will

 

Advice, Comments, Critiques... all Verbiage is Welcome

[lawofopposites]

You sound like a lovely sensitive man with an arrow straight thru yr heart. Take it out and let it heal, it's been too long.

 

Your Ex sounds like the type of person that makes things happen ie; fisrt marrage was bad, you saved her -she left

2nd marriage (you) left her unhappy and wanting - she left

If this 3rd time is going the same way my bet is she'll leave.

 

Don't put yourself 'out there' for her, she's been there already and she didn't like it.

 

If you want her then you must appear more attractive to her and that means by being subtle. it's going to take time and effort but each time you see her, make sure you are a well dressed confident man with a social life (that actually means having a social life!).

 

Don't show any interest in wanting her at all (very important) just be a good friend (the friend she once saw when you first met)

 

If you see this as a challenge and make it fun for yourself, i reckon there's a lot of other lovely ladies out there gonna pay an interest, not just yr ex wife ;-)

[still'n'love]

Sorry to hear your pain. Its the worse feeling in the world when u love someone with all your heart and they dont return it or at least show it. Its even worse when it messes up your life b/c u cant get over it, and u think about the past relationship everyday and think of all the things u did wrong or could of did differently. You know that u were wrong and wish for another chance to prove that u have changed(I know how ya feel).

 

But as im finding out (having a similar problem) that we dont always get that second chance w/ our ex. Instead our second chance must come in the form of finding another love and making sure u dont make the same mistake from ur last. Finding someone new can be hard, at least for me b/c i always compare the new girl w/ my ex and that never works out. But i believe there is more then just one girl out there for us. God knows that we make mistakes, im sure he has ur soul mate waiting on you. And i dont believe its the ex. Just keep your eyes open and frown even when your sad, because u never know who is falling in love w/ your simle!

 

But if u still want to try to get back w/ her, the best thing to do is act like u dont care, i mean be there for her, but dont act like u cant live w/o her. Be strong, make her want you. Got it! well hope i helped, good luck.

[tokyo]

That sounds like a very sad story, but I´m not sure if you should continue

pondering about the past. In her case history seems to be repeating itself.

 

If you really really want her back, you will have to make her want

to come back to you. I guess, trying to support her and be her friend is what

she needs. At least it´s a good start.

[sami]

Time and will are the best healers.

[jerryinva]

I would love to be able to tell you that it will work out...but it probably won't. I have been trying for over 2 years to get my ex gf back...and I have been unsuccessful. She has told me multiple times we will never be together...and then send me some mixed signals a few days later. And just when I begin to open my heart again...BAM!! she nails me again. She got engaged to her ex-bf, that was her ex before me, then she got back with him after me (because he never went away,) she broke up with him again, then they got engaged. All the while, she goes from telling me how much she loves me...to telling me to get on with my life. And, her fiance is not fulfilling her needs...he is a safety net, I think...because she doesn't want to end up alone. Problem is...she is an attractive woman...and even though she wears her engagement ring...many men are dogs, and that seems to draw them in more. She has gone out on dates with 3 or 4 guys since she has been engaged...still looking for "the one" but never finding him. She did fall hard for one guy, who totalled became uninterested...and it hurt her bad. See, she feels the need to tell me every time she find a new guy (or they find her.) Why? I don't know...because it usually causes problems between us. Case in point...

 

A 54 year old guy she works with asked her out for tomorrow night. (She is 35, we are a year apart in age, I am 36.) She accepted...and had to tell me while we were having a bite together the other night. See...we have tried to make the friend thing work...and it just hasn't. This guy apparently loves the opera, and theater, and ballet and foreign films...and supposedly has 18 of the 20 things she wants in a guy. Now mind you...she said "it is just dinner tomorrow night..not a real date." RIGHT.... he told her last week that he has had his eye on her since she started working there, less than a year ago. When he found out from her daughter (who happened to be at work with her mother one day) that she loves seafood...he pounced on that...and took her to lunch last week. She may be trying to sell me on the idea that it is just two friends having dinner...but I don't buy it. She then asks me what business it is of mine...and I remind her she made it my business when she told me. So...just today, we had a fight about this issue. She told me she had no plans to talk to me tomorrow...I was not "going to mess up her happiness, or spoil this for her." I told her fine...she then decided to extend it to the whole weekend...so she told me I will talk to you Monday... I said no problem. However, an half hour later, while I am desperately looking for a friend to talk to...so I don't do something stupid because I see the jerk has come out in me again....she calls. She acts all warm, and caring..and tells me she loves me...and I can call her back when I get off the phone. What do I get when I call back? A cold shoulder. And that was this afternoon around 4...haven't heard from her since...and I know I won't tomorrow...My dad seems to think she won't be able to go the whole weekend without calling, part of me hopes he is right, part of me hopes he is wrong. Why? Because I don't want to hear about it...if it went well. A perplexing situation...on one hand...I want her to be happy...on the other...I want it to be me that makes her happy. She tells me I am a wonderful guy, very loving, and caring...and sweet... If I am so wonderful...why does she not want to be with me? Nice guys do finish last.

[tokyo]

jerryinva ,

 

to make a long story short, it´s not that the nice guys don´t get the

nice girls, in your case we have a nice guy and a very stupid girl. She

acts like a total creep, I´m sorry to say that. Find someone else!

 

I think being engage and continuing to date is, is - well, I´m missing

the words now to say it, but not really ok.

 

FIND SOMEONE ELSE, SHE´S NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!! You deserve better.

Would you have acted like that? If you don´t treat her like that why

do you accept it if she does it with you?

[flip]

speaking as the one who is bailing out on a 10 year relationship, i hope my ex never see's me like this.

I'm hot one minute and cold the next.

I tried to tell him i want out and the love has gone but in truth ,the love will always be there.

I hurt when he hurts yet i still want out.

Do i have to be a bitch cos i want to find a life elsewhere. Why can't i be the same person with a different agenda.

It's hard not to want to talk and care for someone we're used to having around, how ever much we hurt each others feelings, you can't stop caring.

 

unfortunatly this is confusing for the one who is being 'let go'.

 

if anyone has any questions then i'll answer them honestly.

 

i'm having all these guilt/love/lies/passion/hatred feelings at the moment and i'm the one who is doing all the heart breaking.

 

it's not a nice feeling

[jerryinva]

As the dumpee...I can tell you "mixed signals" can be a torture worse than death. One minute, I think I have made progress in winning her back, the next minute, she is telling me she is going to hang out with another guy. Take last night for example. After she left her "date/non date," she called me and asked me if I would meet her at IHOP...it was like 1:35 a.m. I told her sure... I walked in the IHOP...I saw her...she was gorgeous. Nice dress, heels, make-up, the whole nine yards. I really thought she looked great, I was glad I was there...then I wasn't. I started thinking about the fact that this is how she looked around the 54 year old...and then I felt not well. But, I kept it to myself...and we had a good time...she was even being a little flirtatous. Just about 10 minutes ago...she called...just to say hi...and then she told me that she was heading out to "go for a drive with her daughter." I thought to myself...now that is pretty ambigious. (sp?) So, I thought maybe she was taking the daughter by to see/meet the "new guy." But, she has all ready met him...at her mom's office when he came by, when she was there one day... so is it so they can all hang out together? ARRGHHHH As you can see, mixed messages can drive the ex/dumpee crazy...you never know whether you are coming or going, in or out, up or down... All you know is you love this person...

[SwEeT P]

well i hear ya's im in the same boat as every1 else.......getting mixed signals can drive ya crazy.......u get ur hopes up just to get knocked down.....