I don't know what can I do to reconcil my broken marriage

[tojaz]

Hey Tojaz,

 

I bought the book before you even mentioned it It's on my way. Maybe I will update you what I think after I finish reading the book.

 

I hope it helps.

[shalisha42]

Hey Tojaz,

 

I bought the book before you even mentioned it It's on my way. Maybe I will update you what I think after I finish reading the book.

 

There's another excellent book called "Lies at the Alter" By Robin Smith. It talks about how 2 people need to have the same values if they're going to have a great marriage. It also talks about the lies we bring to the alter. A must read!

[mkrainy]

There's another excellent book called "Lies at the Alter" By Robin Smith. It talks about how 2 people need to have the same values if they're going to have a great marriage. It also talks about the lies we bring to the alter. A must read!

 

Thank you for all your comment.I knew I am demanding sometimes..but sometimes it's just natural reaction..

 

I failed again today and text message him. I hate myself I have to put more effort on controlling.

[shalisha42]

Thank you for all your comment.I knew I am demanding sometimes..but sometimes it's just natural reaction..

 

I failed again today and text message him. I hate myself I have to put more effort on controlling.

 

It's okay. Don't beat yourself up! Old habits are hard to break. Can you get a support system you can call so that during those weak moments you can get the support to not cave in? It's really important to do that. I know a free support group you can call that's free but it's in the states. Are you able to make calls to the states? This free support group is called The Rules Support group. We meet Sunday nights and Tuesday night at 9:00 p.m. - 10:00 p.m. EST It's called The Rules because it supports women on how to date once they've been dumped, how to stop calling your ex, and what to do once you've been dumped. The author (a friend of mine) got divorced. Her husband cheated on her. But she followed her own advice in her book and is now remarried! You can do it too.

 

Please send me a private email and I will give you my personal email and give you the info.

[tojaz]

Thank you for all your comment.I knew I am demanding sometimes..but sometimes it's just natural reaction..

 

I failed again today and text message him. I hate myself I have to put more effort on controlling.

 

Mk, it's not failure and certainly isn't a reason to hate yourself.

 

You have it right that it is a natural reaction, it's human instinct to want to do everything you can to try and stop your divorce. If it was easy to just let go and walk away, then forums like this wouldn't be necessary.

 

I am assuming this text fell on deaf ears.

 

TOJAZ

[mkrainy]

Okay the update of our current situation now.

 

1. We start to have more conversation after the dark period for about 10 days

2. We got in a small argument again and he said he was too stupid to trust and respect me again and I threw it away by getting pissed at him for a imaginary staff. I figured out I should not have same expectation for him and so I apologize I should not get mad at him, but he should also not have same expectation on me.

3. We went over our problems and he cried during the conversation. He explained what he had to be mean, because he believed if he was nicer to me then he could not get what he wanted (divorce) and I would not listen to him that he wanted the divorce.

4. He said next time if we meet up, he didn't think he could be emotionless and he will still cry again

5. Both of us agreed if we have any new relationship before we legally separated, we would tell others.

6. He has given the paper to the lawyer but haven't be ready yet. I haven't received anything....he said the filing date is dated back to jan 1 and if I sign, he guess we will be officially divorced around july 1 (california law).

 

I think now I just do not know what I want anymore. Sometimes I want to get back together, sometimes I just feel move on is good. Sometimes I see some hope from him since he cried every time on the phone but sometimes when i got the text, I feel he's very cold.

[shalisha42]

Okay the update of our current situation now.

 

1. We start to have more conversation after the dark period for about 10 days

2. We got in a small argument again and he said he was too stupid to trust and respect me again and I threw it away by getting pissed at him for a imaginary staff. I figured out I should not have same expectation for him and so I apologize I should not get mad at him, but he should also not have same expectation on me.

3. We went over our problems and he cried during the conversation. He explained what he had to be mean, because he believed if he was nicer to me then he could not get what he wanted (divorce) and I would not listen to him that he wanted the divorce.

4. He said next time if we meet up, he didn't think he could be emotionless and he will still cry again

5. Both of us agreed if we have any new relationship before we legally separated, we would tell others.

6. He has given the paper to the lawyer but haven't be ready yet. I haven't received anything....he said the filing date is dated back to jan 1 and if I sign, he guess we will be officially divorced around july 1 (california law).

 

I think now I just do not know what I want anymore. Sometimes I want to get back together, sometimes I just feel move on is good. Sometimes I see some hope from him since he cried every time on the phone but sometimes when i got the text, I feel he's very cold.

 

 

Hi MK. It may or may not be too late, but I do know this. Your marriage (any relationship) needs to be founded on genuine friendship. That means you must know each other extremely well. The reason being is that if you have a solid friendship, based on mutual respect, and you really enjoy each other's company, the good times will outweigh the bad because you have a strong friendship.

 

It doesn't sound like you 2 even got to know each other. So that's one thing.

 

Second, the four things that corrode a marriage (even an attempt at reconcilliation) according to the famous author John Gottman are:

 

Criticism

Contempt

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

 

I highly recommend you buy his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, and read it before you have anymore contact with your soon to be ex husband.

 

There's plenty of that in your marriage. It will never work as long as neither you nor he know how to communicate.

 

Please buy and read the book if you have any hope of trying to re-establish anything with your husband.

[tojaz]

Okay the update of our current situation now.

 

1. We start to have more conversation after the dark period for about 10 days

2. We got in a small argument again and he said he was too stupid to trust and respect me again and I threw it away by getting pissed at him for a imaginary staff. I figured out I should not have same expectation for him and so I apologize I should not get mad at him, but he should also not have same expectation on me.

3. We went over our problems and he cried during the conversation. He explained what he had to be mean, because he believed if he was nicer to me then he could not get what he wanted (divorce) and I would not listen to him that he wanted the divorce.

4. He said next time if we meet up, he didn't think he could be emotionless and he will still cry again

5. Both of us agreed if we have any new relationship before we legally separated, we would tell others.

6. He has given the paper to the lawyer but haven't be ready yet. I haven't received anything....he said the filing date is dated back to jan 1 and if I sign, he guess we will be officially divorced around july 1 (california law).

 

I think now I just do not know what I want anymore. Sometimes I want to get back together, sometimes I just feel move on is good. Sometimes I see some hope from him since he cried every time on the phone but sometimes when i got the text, I feel he's very cold.

 

Even though he tries hard not to show it, acts cold, and hes the one that initiated this, this is hard for him as well and he will do his share of crying.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like he is pretty set in his direction right now. If anything is going to change, it is going to have to come from him. Theres not much else you can do.

 

Hope for the best and that he may have a change of heart, but prepare yourself, receiving papers is very hard on you.

 

TOJAZ

[mkrainy]

okay we talked three days in a row and today he was willing to webcam with me. Every time we talked on the phone/webcam today, he was crying all the time. I told him I need to think about rather or not I can truly compromise to move back to USA. I said I didn't want to promise that I could and then later on I complain about it. I didn't want to make the same mistake again. He said I should think about it, he said it's good for myself. He said he knew me so well that I would not be happy in USA. He said he has to honest telling me even I could promise he thinks he has decided to divorce (but he said it with tear) and obviously we still love each other....so I am so confused. Right now, I don't even know what I want myself so I told him I need sometimes to figure out myself as well....

 

I do not understand him that why he insisted on divorce but every time we talk or we webcam, he will drop tear during our conversation.

[tojaz]

okay we talked three days in a row and today he was willing to webcam with me. Every time we talked on the phone/webcam today, he was crying all the time. I told him I need to think about rather or not I can truly compromise to move back to USA. I said I didn't want to promise that I could and then later on I complain about it. I didn't want to make the same mistake again. He said I should think about it, he said it's good for myself. He said he knew me so well that I would not be happy in USA. He said he has to honest telling me even I could promise he thinks he has decided to divorce (but he said it with tear) and obviously we still love each other....so I am so confused. Right now, I don't even know what I want myself so I told him I need sometimes to figure out myself as well....

 

I do not understand him that why he insisted on divorce but every time we talk or we webcam, he will drop tear during our conversation.

 

it's not your job to understand him right now MK, he needs to figure himself out, and so do you.

 

Focus on you Allie.

 

TOJAZ

[mkrainy]

Haven't udpated for so long...basically the ending still the same. The divorce paper will arrive in few days according to him. I was planing to have a face talk on feb 14, but he avoided me all the time and told me that the meeting would only happen if i signed the paper first. Therefore, at the end, I didn't go. After that I completely gave up the hope to have face talk and few days ago, I also told him we should stop talking to each other anymore. At this stage, I did all I could and letting the exH go maybe the last thing I could do for him and myself.

 

I still cry everyday, but getting a bit better than week 1 or 2 of course. I guess time is the only thing that can heal the broken heart.