What's his deal?

[Paranoia]

I had the most wonderful date of my life after I asked this classmate out last week. Nothing physical happened, but it was the best date I ever had. It took me a lot of courage to flirt with this person (through email) and he seemed to have responded! The chemistry was there and he even took me around town (and even his office!) and introduced me to few of his friends that night. Since I have always corrensponding through email, I continued doing it everyday as usual even after the date. There were less responses from him, but that was fine since he seemed to act as friendly as usual in class when I met him. We even went out and ate with mutual classmates a few days later. However, I didn't feel comfortable calling him at all...even after we had that date and I don't know why. I guess it was like a gut feeling? Anyway, I sent him an email about this feeling, or rather discomfort I have about not being able to call him (in a joking manner though) and he didn't respond to it.

 

Tommorrow is a mutual friend's BD party and he is suppose to come as well. When I realized that I didn't know the address to the place and I was suppose to send out invitations to people, I called him up to ask (he was the one who recommended the place). He didn't know either so he was looking through the papers to find out. While he was doing this, he starting doing that singing thing that guys do when they feel awkward around women and I started to feel irritated. In my past experience, a guy jokingly sings when they feel uncomfortable because they don't like the woman and they know she does, or when they feel guilty about something...in this case, the fact that I asked him to call me through email and he wasn't planning to but then boom, I call him up. So all these thoughts are going through my mind and I start feeling depressed. Anyway, he couldn't find the address to this bar so he said that he would call his friend and call me back in 5 min. So I wait and even after 40 mins, no ring. And then suddenly somebody knocks at the door and it was him! He stopped by my place before he went out for dinner with "a friend", which seemed to be a date perhaps because he looked pretty dressed up. Anyway, he said he forgot my phone number and that he had to stop by instead of calling. I was glad, at the same time depressed because apparently he didn't know my last name to look me up in the phone book? Anyway, I am at this point wondering why he is sending out mixed signals. Like, he referred to this friend's party (who is a mutual female friend) as "your party" when he spoke to me. Also, if he lost interest in me after the first date, he would be avoiding me since I have been very clear about my emotions for him (he would have to be retarded not to know...) As I was reading the previous messages from people, I noticed somebody saying that men tend to back off in the beginning of a relationship when they are attracted to women. Is it true? Why would that be? And could this be a case that is happening? I am so confused that I can't sleep...it's been almost a year since I last met a person that I was attracted to and it's eating me up! I'm almost 30 and I want to fall in love with somebody I like! Help!

[Tony T]

FIRST QUESTION: "As I was reading the previous messages from people, I noticed somebody saying that men tend to back off in the beginning of a relationship when they are attracted to women. Is it true?"

 

Some do, most do not if they are really into getting to know you better.

 

SECOND QUESTION: "Why would that be?"

 

The men who back off do so becase they are not interested in additional dates; they have a fear of intimacy for various reasons; the fear the responsiblity of a relationship; the fear being rejected and hurt, etc. etc.

 

THIRD QUESTION: "And could this be a case that is happening?"

 

No. Men like a challenge and they don't like women who wear their feelings on their sleeves at the very beginning of a potential relationship. You seem to be extremely sensitive...and he picks up on that too and senses you have a lot of feelings for him. You are no challenge for him whatsoever. Men are hunters. If a deer walks right up to a hunter and stands still, the sportsman feels no challenge at all and likely will never go deer hunting again, especially in those woods.

 

You did Ok in your flirting, although you should never Email a guy you're interested in so often. Once you started dating him, you needed to become far more mysterious by not Emailing him so often and not being as available. A man does not want a woman who just presents herself at his door and says, "Take me, I'm yours." He wants to pursue, he wants to work in the situation, he wants to ultimatly value what he has worked for if he gets it.

 

By Emailing him about these feelings right after your first date, you put him on notice that you had feelings for him, that you were sensitive...you basically implied just how interested you were. Men don't like that. Read on.

 

YOUR FINAL COMMENT: "I am so confused that I can't sleep...it's been almost a year since I last met a person that I was attracted to and it's eating me up! I'm almost 30 and I want to fall in love with somebody I like!"

 

Everybody wants to fall in love. But if we get desperate, it won't happen. No matter how much you want love, the harder you seek it, the more elusive it becomes. The more you lay back, relax and don't care, the more love beckons at your door...it comes to you.

 

You are 30. If you don't get this now, you'll get it at 40...or 50. SO YOU BETTER LEARN IT NOW!!! There is nothing less attractive to a man than a woman who seems too sensitive and too loving and caring right off the bat. And there is nothing less attractive than a woman who lets out all her feelings right off the bat. What you Emailed him is something that would have been appropriate after you had been seeing him three or four months, but not after the first date.

 

IF YOU WANT ANY MAN TO BE INTERESTED IN YOU, you must be a mystery, a challenge. You must be elusive. If you had stopped Emailing this man except once a week, it would have driven him mad. You should continue to be friendly with him but make your meetings less frequent. Don't answer his Emails right away. Seem to be busy and not available all the time to go out with him, if he calls. All this has to be done in the most natural way so the guy thinks you are just a HOT lady, that you are not doing this intentionally...that you just have lots of confidence and you don't really need him.

 

You probably have another crack at this guy but you have some damage control to do here.

 

Please understand this always, and I am a man, MEN WANT A CHALLENGE. Men want mystery. Men don't want something they can get easily. There are a couple of books available for order at bookstores, get them. One is "Love Tactics" and the other is "More Love Tactics." They are by Phillips and McKnight. The hold a wealth of information on how to get and keep the interest of the opposite sex.

 

So, if you want love let it chase you. Become more indifferent. Don't be desperate. If you meet a guy you like, yes by all means flirt. But after the first date, you back of a little and let the guy go nuts instead of the other way around.

 

If you have any questions, write them down. Be very specific and I will reply. But today, you have to rethink your whole dating life.

[Paranoia]

Tony, thank you so much for the wonderful advice. Yes, you are right, however, just to let you know, even though I sent out a lot of emails to him, they were mostly really casual "joking" emails. But still I think he got the message pretty clear.

 

Anyway, last night, the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed at the fact that he just "stopped by". This is a pet peeve I have....I don't like people just stopping by. There are only two friends in my life that can do that so you get the picture...I was annoyed on top of the fact that he "didn't" know my last name, which was plastered everywhere on my emails. SO I sent out a very short, precise email saying that I didn't appreciate his actions that was a result of NOT knowing my name. I know it sounded pretty harsh, but that's how I felt (he might think that I don't even want to be friends with him).

 

Anyway, this mutual friend we have was telling me that she noticed that whenever this guy and I talk, (she doesn't know we went out on a date...I never told her because she has a crush on him)that he seems to be putting his foot in his mouth. He does say awkward stuff...as if he's nervous. I don't know. I think that you are right. He realizes that there is no chase anymore, but at the same time, that's how I attracted him...because "I" pursued him. Anyway, I think he probably is still attracted to me on some level, but after the last email I sent out, there probably will be no more friendship with him. I think I made up my mind...if a person didn't even know my last name after a date, then I don't know if I can even call that a "friend". Also, this guy DOES NOT play games...he's an engineer...so what you see is what you get. lol. I realized that I was projecting all these past relationship issues that I had with other men and was trying to understand him under those expectations, but now I realize that it's all useless. Like, when he started doing that "awkward singing" thing when guys are on the phone with women...I projected my ex who used to do that.

 

Anyway, to stop this rambling...I am not as desparate as I used to be, but I'm still at the phase of learning to let go even more. So, my head is leveled after a day of agony (which before would have taken weeks to get over) and I really appreciate your advice. It's great to learn from people who can see things in an objective light. Thanx!!

[sparkle]

Maybe saying he didnt have your # was just an excuse

 

to stop by and get to see you.

 

Many guys are awkward/shy/nervous because they like you, not the opposite.

[Deejette]

Now that you are not desperate, you will attract a guy that is much more "for you" than this one. Tony is right about this strange Law of Love.

 

This one was a practice session and you learned a lot without losing too much.

 

It is pointless to pine after someone who doesn't show the same feelings that you have. And it is unnecessary, though we all have done it. The pain is certainly not worth the reward.

Tony, thank you so much for the wonderful advice. Yes, you are right, however, just to let you know, even though I sent out a lot of emails to him, they were mostly really casual "joking" emails. But still I think he got the message pretty clear. Anyway, last night, the more I thought about it, the more I got annoyed at the fact that he just "stopped by". This is a pet peeve I have....I don't like people just stopping by. There are only two friends in my life that can do that so you get the picture...I was annoyed on top of the fact that he "didn't" know my last name, which was plastered everywhere on my emails. SO I sent out a very short, precise email saying that I didn't appreciate his actions that was a result of NOT knowing my name. I know it sounded pretty harsh, but that's how I felt (he might think that I don't even want to be friends with him). Anyway, this mutual friend we have was telling me that she noticed that whenever this guy and I talk, (she doesn't know we went out on a date...I never told her because she has a crush on him)that he seems to be putting his foot in his mouth. He does say awkward stuff...as if he's nervous. I don't know. I think that you are right. He realizes that there is no chase anymore, but at the same time, that's how I attracted him...because "I" pursued him. Anyway, I think he probably is still attracted to me on some level, but after the last email I sent out, there probably will be no more friendship with him. I think I made up my mind...if a person didn't even know my last name after a date, then I don't know if I can even call that a "friend". Also, this guy DOES NOT play games...he's an engineer...so what you see is what you get. lol. I realized that I was projecting all these past relationship issues that I had with other men and was trying to understand him under those expectations, but now I realize that it's all useless. Like, when he started doing that "awkward singing" thing when guys are on the phone with women...I projected my ex who used to do that. Anyway, to stop this rambling...I am not as desparate as I used to be, but I'm still at the phase of learning to let go even more. So, my head is leveled after a day of agony (which before would have taken weeks to get over) and I really appreciate your advice. It's great to learn from people who can see things in an objective light. Thanx!!