Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) I don't want to sleep with you? People have used the I love you, but not in love with you line and the question is what does it mean? Was reading another site where a woman said her successful husband had uprooted and moved them (family) around the country for career purposes a number of times in addition to him having put on weight and his teeth were terrible. Sex was a chore and not enjoyable (though she was dutifully having it). There certainly were other issues in play. She loved him and he was a wonderful person, great dad, provider...... Posters at first were apoplectic and blamed her, told her to suck it up, stop working out at the gym,ogling the hardbodies and talking to those who approached her and appreciate her husband for all his good qualities. They pretty much accused her of having an affair (yes I'm paraphrasing) because of her comments and being turned off by his rotting teeth & weight. Took a while before people actually brought up that she was not physically attracted to her husband and the thread has moved in a different direction. At the end of the day though I really wonder if those words ILYBNILWY is simply saying I no longer want sex with you. Edited January 11, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I think it goes deeper than that... sorry. I would say it means the spark is gone, and while that can certainly mean they don't want sex with that person, it is that that person just doesn't arouse feelings of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 No, not the way I've used it or seen it used, it was more about the lack of an emotional connection. Not saying that it can't be interconnected with lack of physical attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 lack of sex. For women it is an emotional response, that means they do not want to sleep with their spouse. Of course it goes deeper, but I am saying it is so trite in the delivery. The STILL LOVE THEM, JUST NOT IN LOVE...... C'mon you know what that means..... They don't want SEX........ Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 ...I'm having an AFFAIR. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I don't want to sleep with you? ........ I really wonder if those words ILYBNILWY is simply saying I no longer want sex with you. No...I don't think it's 'simply' that - but I think a lot of it is.... there are more layers though..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 ...I'm having an AFFAIR. Or that...... I was trying to be positive....... Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Or that...... I was trying to be positive....... Sorry! I've just never heard that euphemism used by anyone who wasn't in an affair. If someone has said this exact phrase to their SO and not been actively in affair but because of some other problem within the relationship, please raise your hand! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Sorry! I've just never heard that euphemism used by anyone who wasn't in an affair. If someone has said this exact phrase to their SO and not been actively in affair but because of some other problem within the relationship, please raise your hand! Actually the context I read it in this was exactly the case. No affair. Not even an EA. Others swear up and down there is no affair, but they (and it is in 90% of the cases women) absolutely do not want sex with their husbands. Men and I'm being shallow often could say that to their spouse's however it is then an attraction issue in almost all cases. The difference though is it is a female who uses the ILYBNILWY line...... Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I care and have feelings for you but I don't feel the same level/intensity/passion I once did. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Well todd...IMHO...the ILYBNILWY has 2 different meanings depending on gender. For the most part with women it means I don't want to have sex at a minimum, and it could mean much more..as in divorce, I'm trying to check out of the marriage so I can pursue the affair and I don't want to hurt your feelings..etc With men, it generally means nothing if they say it as most men will have sex with a woman without loving them..including their wives. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 At the end of the day though I really wonder if those words ILYBNILWY is simply saying I no longer want sex with you. Yes, on some level it can mean that, and in some cases that's probably exactly what it means, but not always. It is possible to love someone and enjoy having sex with them but not feel those gooey romantic feelings that most people think of as being 'in love'. It requires passion to be 'in love' so when the passion is lost between two people that probably means ILYBINILWY goes both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I care and have feelings for you but I don't feel the same level/intensity/passion I once did. In other words, I don't want to have sex with you ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Sorry! I've just never heard that euphemism used by anyone who wasn't in an affair. If someone has said this exact phrase to their SO and not been actively in affair but because of some other problem within the relationship, please raise your hand! I think that's a bit oversimplifying... what happens (IMO) is by the time someone gets around to saying that, they have already thought about it a lot and decided they wanted out of the relationship... Could that have been caused by them having an affair? Maybe (although, why would you cheat if you did not want out of the relationship to start with, I am not sure, but that's a different topic)... Could that state of mind cause them to look for something or someone else and eventually have an affair? Possibly... but I don't think there is a direct link between having an affair and saying that, that would be like saying that all divorces are caused by one spouse cheating. Also in my mind the saying means more than "I have feelings for you but they are not as intense", it means "I care for you as a person but I don't have any desire of sharing my life & being involved in a romantic relationship with you any longer", whether that means "I don't want to have sex with you" depends on the person. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I think it would be rare if a woman who said ILYBINILWY does want to have sex. But I don't think it is just about not wanting sex. It is about not wanting an intimate relationship--sex, cuddling, emotional sharing....none of it. For men, the sex may stand out as the most obvious piece. But for women, not wanting the emotional part may be even more salient. Many women check out emotionally before they check out sexually, but the men don't notice until the sex dries up. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I think it would be rare if a woman who said ILYBINILWY does want to have sex. But I don't think it is just about not wanting sex. It is about not wanting an intimate relationship--sex, cuddling, emotional sharing....none of it. For men, the sex may stand out as the most obvious piece. But for women, not wanting the emotional part may be even more salient. Many women check out emotionally before they check out sexually, but the men don't notice until the sex dries up. And usually by then it is way too late. Although I do think that there are more mature ways to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 If you aren't in love with your spouse do them a favor and give them a divorce without taking the money or the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 If you aren't in love with your spouse do them a favor and give them a divorce without taking the money or the kids. Isn't it her money & kids also? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Isn't it her money & kids also? Which is a big reason why people stay, even after the loving feelings are gone. No one wants to give up days with the kids, or accumulated wealth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodamnpragmatic Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Which is a big reason why people stay, even after the loving feelings are gone. No one wants to give up days with the kids, or accumulated wealth. And then you often have the non-verbalized ILYBNILWY and years where people go through the motion. Link to post Share on other sites
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