Any advice on REALLY letting go>?

[smile95]

I have decided to get out of a very emotionally abusive relationship. I love him and he is going through a divorce, however, he does not treat me right. The problem is I love him. We had great times together and I cannot seem to let go. I try and then 4 days pass and I call again. I want to move on...I do. How do you tell your heart to feel what you logically know? It hurts. I went through a bad depression for a while. I know wht I need to do, but someone I cannot fully let go. Any advice on how to let go of someone you still love. He is really good with words and I guess I am somewhat naive. That is why I have gone back in the past or let things slide. We have not talked in 3 weeks becasue he is stressed with divorce and custody stuff. But, he knows it kills me to not talk to him and still does not care or care to answer me or even email me. I HATE THIS FEELING. Will it ever end? Will my feelings fade over time?

[HAVANA]

Originally posted by beth5201

I have decided to get out of a very emotionally abusive relationship. I love him and he is going through a divorce, however, he does not treat me right. The problem is I love him. We had great times together and I cannot seem to let go. I try and then 4 days pass and I call again. I want to move on...I do. How do you tell your heart to feel what you logically know? It hurts. I went through a bad depression for a while. I know wht I need to do, but someone I cannot fully let go. Any advice on how to let go of someone you still love. He is really good with words and I guess I am somewhat naive. That is why I have gone back in the past or let things slide. We have not talked in 3 weeks becasue he is stressed with divorce and custody stuff. But, he knows it kills me to not talk to him and still does not care or care to answer me or even email me. I HATE THIS FEELING. Will it ever end? Will my feelings fade over time?

 

 

I have been where you are~ I trully have, my eyes teared when I was reading your story. It is allot like mine, but except my BF didnt have a divorce or kids or anything like that. He was single, but had lost his job and was living off of his trust fund cause his parents were wealthy. Anyways he was not too happy and dragged me down and treated me like ****. Not calling me, makeing me call him. Never trying to be with me. It felt like I was the one clinging to him and he was just feeling bad or guilty now and then and sympathized with me. You guy is doing what mine did and the best thing to do is WALK AWAY! The longer you take to do it the more it hurts and the bigger the scar will be. I know its hard to not call and to not want and need and even cry for him. But the truth is he cant see past his owne self to realize hes causeing you much PAIN! He is trully selfish if he cant come to your bed at night and care for you and bring you out on dates and such. I just think you were better off before him, at least then you had your owne sence of SELF! I trully wish you get past this. I know its a painfull part of being inlove but there are other loves. If you are the genuine person I think you are youll find is soon and it will be grand.

 

Take care love

Havana~

[smile95]

thanks....a lot of what you said is what I am going thru. Not calling me or never returning my calls, yet still making me hold on. I see he does not treat me right and I want out. HE is soooo selfish in every aspect of his life. I imagine one day he will realize I am really gone. I want so much to move on....did you? Are you still eith that guy? How did you walk away? SOme days I convince myself that I am ok and then I break down and cry. SOmetimes I cannot even crawl out of bed form crying so much. He breaks my heart.

[Blah Toolz]

I know that it is the memories of good times together... and the fact that the future you had together is not what you had once thought it would be are some of the hardest circumstances to deal with after a break-up. I still plague my thoughts with what could have been, and how much I miss her.

 

However... to help you let go, you have to remember what it was that made you happy before you met him. You were able to survive before him, and find happiness... so do these activities that you partook in. I know there is at least one activity or hobby that you were able to experience without him.

 

Broken dreams are hard to let go of... I am still letting go. Sometimes you take one step forward and two steps backward... like I am doing now, even after several months... but you can do it. View it as one chapter of your life that is closing... and you are now progressing towards something better... a culmination of everything you need in a relationship. Remember, there are bad times and good times... and these bad times will make the good times that much better.

 

Hope this helped, stick it out.

[smile95]

Thanks so much! I was happy before him, you are right. I have to get back to me. He was my world and I learned to never make anyone more important than yourself. I am trying really hard to get by. It breaks my heart that he will not talk to me, but I also have to remember that the "good times" were 2 yrs a go and the past 2 yrs have been heart ache. Thanks!

[Gala]

Beth --

 

You are going through something like my recent situation...I was dating a divorcing man, too. He had pursued me, and against my best judgment I got really attached to him. I had noticed some selfishness, but it got a lot worse after a few months (I posted on 8/19 -- "Trying to feel lovable again after ex created triangle"). I broke things off in the spring, and he really didn't want to let go...and in a way, everything got worse for a while. The mixed messages I got were tearing me up and making me numb.

 

Something I've reminded myself of quite a few times now...we associate loving feelings with the person we were so attached to...but in a way, the feelings are what we want most of all...and we need to be with someone who is capable of loving in order to exchange those. For better or worse, I have reached the point that I have more bad memories of this guy than good ones. This is making recovery a little easier.

 

Bon courage to you.

[smile95]

thanks I also long for someone to love...not specifically him I think. I give so much and get so litte. It hurts. I also have more more than good and I have to remember that. It is just really hard to deal with someone so selfish. The sad part is, when you deal with someone like this, they do not even see they are like that and will never change. Thanks. I also need to remember the bad

[Gala]

I wondered after posting...was your guy in divorce proceedings for two years? That seems like a long time.

[smile95]

no where he lives you have to be sep a yr before filing. so after the one yr they file and they are fighting over EVERYTHING and cannot agree. Including custoday and she even got a PI on him. They have been to court and finally the judge said do not come back until you get evrything settled casue they are wasting his time. He makes a lot of $ and she wants almost everything. Right now, until the div is final, he has to pay for the house where she lives and he is in an apt. So yes it has been exactly a yr of going back and forth. Still long, but not unheard of. A girl i work with took 3 yrs

[Gala]

And it helps explain why the guy you were with isn't giving you what you need. California has a no-fault divorce law, which I think speeds things up...but even with that situation there is so much bitterness that the people involved just don't function normally; I've observed this with friends who were divorcing, too. They want to be back to "normal," and sometimes they think they are...but it's like the anger and conflict are in their pores and their bones. The guy I was seeing had settled the financial stuff with his ex, but there was still such resentment on both sides...I recently discovered this book called "How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce," which I wish I'd seen eight or nine months ago. Even if you have stepped away from the guy you were involved with, it might help you get some perspective on the stuff that he's been doing and feel better about where you're at.

[smile95]

maybe that bookwill help...I feel like i did something wrong and really it is him going thru a lot and being a jerk to not realize what this silence period has done to me. He ignores all my calls and emails and one day we were fine and he said i love you and that he was really confused with all the stuff that was happeneing and i saked "confused about us?" and he said no the divorce and everyting. So I can only assume that he is upset about that and does not want to talk. He has ignored me before when he got stressed out. But it is not right. Each time he prances right back in my life as soon as I stop chasing him and this time I am not going to be so forgiving....if he even calls. I really built him up to be so great and he made me so many promises, it breaks my heart to see I was fooled. I have to move on. I cried agian today and it is only 3 days of not trying to get ahold of him. I hate this feeling

[smile95]

did that book say this is a hard time and they may need space???

[Gala]

The book emphasizes that some relationships with divorcing guys work and some don't...and that regardless of how needy the guy acts, we women need to think what we'll put up with and what we need. The two authors repeat several times that one always has 3 options: staying in the relationship, putting it on hold, or ending it.

 

One of my other favorite book titles that I saw recently is "If You Stand on Your Head All the Time, You'll End Up With a Headache" -- meaning that you shouldn' t spend a lot of time doing stuff that is painful or uncomfortable -- especially for a relationship.

[smile95]

I know those are my 3 options and before he startd ignoring me, i wanted out. I should rememebr that . I really want to talk to him so I can ether move on or wait, but he ignores me. I was thinking of calling him at work to talk and he would have to anser, but part of me thinks that may hurt me more. Can I move on without closure?

[Gala]

I don't think there's a perfect closure "recipe"...and everyone's situation is different as far as what they need to do to feel as though things are really over. If I'm going to send a "final" message, I usually wait till I'm calm and centered to write it. So waiting a few days (or as long as you need) may help you get there. Other distancing moves help, too -- like putting everything that belongs to the person in a bag, putting away pictures, cards, gifts...what is important is getting to that "this is what I need" place.

[smile95]

it mostly upsets me that he has ignored every attempt for me to talk to him. Last time he was too scared to get caught talking to me during the divorce proceedings and I can only guess now is the same. But I feel like I have done something wrong when I have not??? I chased him for 3.5 wks with email and text and voicemail and today is only day 4 of no contact and I want to call. But i guess that I should learn he is not going to respond til he is ready. That is whyi want to call him at work to catch him offguard and he would be forced to answer, however, do I really want to be with someone who can ignore me when i am hurt? do i wnt to tricksomeone into talking to me?? not really..... . This sucks. I am chasing and upset over someone I wanted to break up with a long time ago!! Maybe I should try and do things for me and not call. I wnt him to call me.

[Gala]

...isn't worth it. No man should make you chase him. No matter how attractive, successful, wealthy, whatever. And regardless of the circumstances he is in. It is unfortunate that he doesn't know how to treat women, and if you walk away I doubt he would do any better by another woman. His behavior is not the result of any deficiency of yours. I struggled for a long time with trying to get and keep the interest of men who were unavailable. I have some things to learn still, but I absolutely do not chase. It sounds like you really need to take a step or two back.

 

Calling him at work and catching him off-guard would very likely make him defensive...a no-win for you.

 

In the past I've used a Post-It on which I've written "It is not about you" -- to remind myself at bad moments.

[smile95]

I know that he will never treat anyone any better than me. I should have seen the flags when he talked about what his wife hated. Now I agree with them all. His true colors came out. Thanks. You may have stopped me from calling him tomorrow. I cannot chase him. If he wants to talk, he will call. It just kills me that this man i was going to spend my life with is treating me so badly. I guess better i know this now right? It hurts though.

 

I feel like crap. I know it's all about power for him. As soon as i stop chasing (4 days now) he calls and is like "you do not love me anymore?" So I know he notices when i stop chasing, but i do not want to play that game either to get him to call. I am going to try and move on. thanks. How do I get closure w/o talking to him? Why is it such a power trip for him to ignore me and see me chase him? I am ending day 4 of no contact and I know he notices.

[Gala]

I know what you mean about coming across negative traits that he said his wife had criticized...I guess people repeat these things in the hope that the new s.o. will disagree. As it is, I have had many days that I have wished I had R's ex's phone number so that I could get her confirmation on something. As time passed in their marriage, he pretty much became the big breadwinner for them, and she's never had a job that was lucrative (other than making a lot of cash at waitressing) or prestigious. My wish for her is that she goes into something like real estate and starts making bank.

 

Calling to ask you "don't you love me?" is inane and needy. I think that R. has called my voicemail and hung up a few times in the last couple of weeks, but it doesn't make a huge difference to me as I have understood more and more that he has little good to offer me. When I asked R. not to contact me I wasn't ready to rule out any possibility of being with him again, but I'm pretty sure I am there now...and I have been practicing for when and if he phones or e-mails. He has problems I haven't mentioned here specifically, and it is really too bad. But he needs to pay for his own therapist -- I have spent way too much of my therapy time talking about him. Guh.

[smile95]

I agree it is needy to call and ask, but I do not know if he stopped loving me or this is just another one of his phases where he needs space and then calls me a month later and relly wins we over with his words? Either way, maybe I should just tell myself that this is not how I want to be treated. As I said before, you must be a very strong person. I am not sure how you are doing it? Don't you wonder about him and what he is doing and if he misses you? I know that my guy (also R) has a lot of issues that I knew about but never saw until now. He is selfish and that will not change. I just wish I knew what was going on.

[Gala]

Well, in my case it might be a little easier. The last time he e-mailed me he told me that he thought often about me as well as the girl he had the fling with. It was not the first time he'd framed things this way, and in general it was a very self-absorbed, preoccupied message. I simply looked at the very chaotic lines on the screen, pushed my chair back from the computer, and said "Oh God." The man is 41 and a father of 4, and he has an affair with a 21-year-old with whom he remains obsessed? I also met her during the first film project he did, and realized immediately what a bad position he'd put me in. He became unavailable with the start of the second project, and I had to be the bad guy and do the breaking up. Nothing happened between them for another few weeks, but when he told me it had happened I wasn't surprised. Upset, yes. Surprised, no.

 

Beth, I cannot tell you how angry it made me -- after the blood, sweat, and tears that I have exerted to earn my accomplishments -- that he acted in such a cliched way. Ooh, now I'm starting to rant.

 

I did find out that when the actress was fired from the project she went home to her parents and cried to them. He had cast her as his lead, the entire cast was pressuring him to get rid of her because she couldn't carry it off, and he ultimately realized it had to happen. R. received an outraged phone call from the parents. This detail is a little Jerry Springer-esque for me, but I have to say he had it coming.

 

It can be tough when someone tells they love you and/or miss you. I realized I'd reached a turning point when I found I didn't miss the person R. had shown himself to be. He had been shattered by his wife's departure, and I really thought that he had done some self-examination. Apparently, not enough.

 

I admit that I think about him a lot. But he is a drama machine. I have told almost none of my friends about how this crap went down, just because it's so trashy and embarrassing. I have a lot of guy friends, and they would be shocked and outraged for me...never mind my women friends.

 

Last observation -- R. is taking a huge financial risk to make this film, and I actually think it's really unwise. He has quarrelled with friends and family about the project, and I think they know how bad things got for his family the last time he tried to do a film (about 7 years ago...and he failed). My Ph.D. was a big expensive project that I actually pulled off, and even so the financial impact has been tough and longlasting. There is something about completely nutty financial risk that makes a man much less attractive to me. When you're 25 it's one thing; 41 is a different ballgame. R. still thinks he can take on the whole world himself without any planning, preparation, or resources, and he's wrong. I don't want to cast in my lot with that person.

[smile95]

sounds like there are several issues there. You should be glad you are not going to be sucked into all that! I will see that I am going to be ok. I just need time to look back and see what I avoided. Thanks for all your help. I am going to try and not focus on why he is not calling and just see that I deserve better... i know one day when he realizes i am really giving up, hewill call and i hope i am strong

[Gala]

Thank you, too. As you can tell, I'm still healing from this one...and it still helps to vent. Good luck focusing on the things that you need for yourself!

[smile95]

It also helps me to vent and writing it down makes me see how wrong he really was for me.I hope time helps. If I chase he will never know he lost me. I am just afraid like in the past, as soon as I stop chasing, he will wonder where I am and call and I have tobe strong and remember how much I hurt right now.

[Gala]

Before his switching off, what else was making you unhappy? You said you'd wanted out before.