Is there any chance of getting back together with her? Please give me some advice!

[Xenophage]

I want some advice on this... I'm deeply in love with this girl but she broke up with me a month ago. I believe that if I could get another chance with her, it could last. I am 100% in love for the first time in my life and I do not want to lose her forever. Here's some background info:

 

I'm 21 years old and my main interest in life is music. I play the guitar and have a self-produced album of instrumental guitar music that I paid a lot of money to make, but never really promoted very well. A year ago I started dating Vivian. At first, I was playing it cool. I liked her a lot and had great fun with her but I was slightly unavailable emotionally and not too certain the relationship would last that long. I was telling her that I loved her, but I didn't really mean it. She, on the other hand, was completely taken by me. Within the first three months she was certain that she had found the person she was going to marry and spend her life with. That notion scared me quite a bit, but I liked her so much that I decided to continue the relationship with the possibility of deeper committment left for the future. I was certainly not ready to get married.

 

About six months into the relationship, however, I had an epiphany. As I watched her sleeping one night, I decided that I truely did love her with all my heart, and that I had never felt this way about a girl before. I absolutely loved every little thing about her - all her flaws and imperfections. She made the world feel beautiful. After that point, my approach to the relationship changed dramatically. I became deeply committed, and started talking about marriage myself. I opened myself up with a lot of my insecurities and told her everything that I felt for her. For a time, things seemed to be perfect. However, it wasn't long before things went downhill. She grew more distant. My compliments had lesser effects on her. Eventually, at about 9 months into our relationship, she split up with me. She was keen to tell me, at that time, that she still loved me, but that she didn't feel IN love, and that she wanted some time apart to be single. I was heartbroken. However, not more than a week later, we talked things out and got back together.

 

Things progressed rapidly again, except this time I had trust issues. I was suspicious that she might have broken up with me because of her interest in another guy. I was never fully confident that she was sure she loved me and wanted to be with me. I had some jealousy problems and constantly tried to seek affirmation of her feelings toward me. This plagued us for a bit, but eventually subsided. I went back to trusting her completely.

 

We went on a trip to Washington together in late June, which was kind of a big deal for both of us because it was the first vacation we ever financed entirely on our own (we're both quite young - I'm 21 and she's 18). She was, once again, sure she wanted to marry me. We came very close to eloping at a courthouse in a small town. She wanted me to buy the marriage license, but I talked her out of it. She agreed eventually that eloping would be a bad thing for us. We returned from Washington on July 5th.

 

I had the idea that by the end of the month we would be moving out together into an apartment, that I would be getting a new job and she would be starting college, and that we could try living a life together and see how things worked out. At the time I had been living with my parents, working for my parents at our family business, not planning to go back to school the next semester, and in need of a vehicle, so I was looking forward to moving out and trying something new. However, she became a bit distant and didn't like the idea of moving in with me. She seemed to want to spend less and less time with me - and I, on the other hand, was being extremely needy and insecure. Within 2 weeks of our return from Washington, she broke up with me again.

 

Her reasoning this time?

1) She couldn't deal with my laziness anymore, she wanted to see things happening in our lives and she felt like she was the only one doing anything, having become CNA certified and gotten a good job at a nursing home and signing up for college classes while I did nothing with my music and failed to get a better job or another car

2) She had decided that she really didn't want to get married young and that she had lots of other things in her life she wanted to accomplish and work toward

3) She did not want to be tied down in a relationship and be responsible for the way someone else was feeling - she wanted to be single and have fun and be with friends

4) She was very much wanted to meet other guys and date casually

 

My initital reaction: Extremely upset. I tried to tell her that I would change, that I loved her more than anything and that I believed we should try to work things out. She said she just needed time and space and she was confused about how she felt about me. I tried doing something romantic for her. She just got mad. I tried talking to her for long periods of time, trying to examine the situation and resolve it. Nothing ever came of it. I tried telling her that her happiness meant more to me than anything else, and that I wanted to give her time and space if she needed it, but that I still loved her more than anything. She started dating other people.

 

She didn't want to hurt me so she never told me about the other guys, but I found out anyway. When I found out about her spending the night with someone named Nick, and having a huge crush on him and how he was supposedly the best kisser in the world, I freaked out and drove to her house at 4 am. She told me to stay out of her business, she said she fell out of love with me within the course of 2 weeks, and that there was a possibility we could get back together again in the future but not for a very long time. She said her and Nick were just friends, that there was no relationship, and that she wasn't going to have a boyfriend for a long time. She said we shouldn't talk to each other until I was able to feel comfortable just being her friend.

 

Recently, I have tried just being her 'friend' (albeit with secret desires of winning her back). I hung out with her a couple days ago, ate lunch and talked, and then saw a movie with her and some other friends later. I made her laugh a lot, which I always was able to do, and we had fun. I pretty much have tried to act like I'm over her. She was a bit uncomfortable with it, which she admitted, but she said that she just had to readjust to our new relationship.

 

The next day, we talked a bit in her car. I told her that I had gotten over needing her to love me, but that it was still hard to be around her because I was very attracted to her. She said that was typical, that sometimes she still felt attracted to her ex's, but that it would dissipate and go away over time. I asked her if she felt attracted to me at all, and after being thoughtful for a moment, she said "No, not really". She said she had tried to change the way she viewed me and had re-defined what she considered attractive in a man, and that even though she still thought I was an attractive person, she simply didn't feel attracted to me anymore. I asked her if there was any chance she could be attracted to me again in the future, and she said she wouldn't rule out the possibility, but that it wouldn't be in the near future. I said that that was too bad, that I was really trying to grow up and take care of things in my life and that I was changing, and that I really wanted to try a casual date with her, similar to the way she was seeing Nick and other guys, to see if there could still be something between us. She said that it wouldn't work because I am too sensitive of a guy to handle that - I told her that I was really not going to be that sort of overly sensitive person anymore, that it didn't really matter to my happiness if she wanted to try it or not, but that I simply thought it would be worthwhile. She said it was just too soon for her.

 

I told her that was ok. I said I didn't want to be attached to anyone right now, that I was really buckling down and trying to take care of my personal goals. I registered for a full load of college classes, and have been working steadily and hard on my music, and that the new stuff was really good. I promised her that within three weeks I was going to be playing my stuff locally, and that she was going to see me up on stage and think "Damn he is so sexy up there with his guitar, why did I ever break up with him". To that, she seemed to get a little excited and she said "And I'll be in the front row, right?", and I said "Only if you party with me later". I told her she was beautiful and that any guy who is with her is the luckiest guy on earth, because she is so affectionate and sexy and fun. I told her I didn't think we should see each other on a daily basis, but maybe once a week. At that I started to leave, and she stopped me a few times to ask a couple of brief questions, almost like she didn't quite want me to leave just yet (but I could be wrong).

 

Here's the problem that I think led to the end of our relationship:

I was too insecure and immature. I was not being proactive in my life, either. I was needy and dependent. BIG turn off and romance-killer.

 

HOWEVER, we were GREAT together. We have always been great friends with each other, and there was an initial, perfect chemistry that I have never experienced before. She is the ONLY girl I've ever met who shares my exact same sense of humor. We can talk for hours about all sorts of things - we're on the same page intellectually. The romance was uncomparable. I know I could spend my life with this girl and raise a family with her. I don't want to waste the next ten or fifteen years of my life trying to find another girl that I can be as good with. I want her. If I had been more grown up and mature in our relationship, I know it could have lasted, and I would probably be marrying her at some point.

 

 

HERE'S THE BIG QUESTION:

 

By playing this cool, and acting like I'm really over her, and by getting over my emotional insecurities and really accomplishing the things I want in life right now and having her SEE that I'm happy and successful, is there ANY WAY she could feel attracted to me again and want to try to go on a date with me, or do you think that it is really, 100% OVER and that I have NO chance anymore? Is it possible to change her perception of me and get her turned on again when I'm around her, or is she never going to go back?

 

Right now I am really changing for her - and for me, as well. I want her to see me in a new light. Is it possible, or do I need to try and forget my feelings for her and never see her again?

 

I really want to be the sort of person that I can respect, and accomplish my life goals. At the same time I love her more than anything, and I want to have a future with her, and I don't want to lose her for good.

 

*sigh...

 

Looking at things from HER point of view, I see very little real possibility of her opinion changing about me, at least for a very long time (like years). What do you think?

[Xenophage]

ALSO, one of the songs I wrote is about her. Its a _really_ good love song. Do you think it would be a good idea to let her hear this song, or would that simply show her that I'm still hung up over her and keep her interest-level in me low? What if I didn't tell her about it or let her hear it, but then play it live at a show while she is watching? Would she be thinking "Oh my god, he wrote a song about me... and its really good..." or would she be thinking "That's sweet... but he is obviously still hung up over me" OR "I'm so embarrassed! Why can't he just get over me??"

[EC]

Her mind was made up. Her opinion of you is not going to change if your around her 24-7 and constantly needing her attention.

 

I think you should accomplish your goals for YOU and no one else. You need to be happy with you and look in the mirror and be happy at all that you have accomplished for yourself not for her.

 

Once she sees that you are more independant and have your life on track and don't need her...her opinion might change.

 

I honestly think if she loved you she would be with you and not dating other guys. I think she wants you and her freedom and you should not give her both.

 

Focus on yourself and forget her for now. In the future if it's meant to be then it will be.

[echo419]

I like what EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd said. I think you need to try and not think about her, not worry about her----for now. Focus on yourself, do your thing and learn from this.

 

 

EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd said.....

I think you should accomplish your goals for YOU and no one else.

 

This is right on the money. I'm in the same situation---wanting my EX back, or wanting a second chance to make it work. As of right now, I can't see myself with another person. When we broke up I swore I could change. I know now this probably just pushes them further away. You can't change because someone else wants you to, you can only do it if you want it. If you try and change to something they want for them---I think you can only fail. If you try and fake it, they will see through it. Do it for yourself!

 

Its funny how easy it is to give someone else advice, but hard for me to do it myself. Anyway, this is what I'm trying to do. Its hard, but there is no other way. I don't know what your chances are---and I don't know what my chances are, but this leads me back to this..............

 

EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd said.....

Focus on yourself and forget her for now. In the future if it's meant to be then it will be.