Does being a victim of abuse as a child mean that you will become an abuser?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Just wondering, if you are a victim of abuse as a child, does this mean you are more likely to abuse your own children if and when you have any?

 

I recently told my husband some of the horrors I endured as a child, including physical beatings from my parents. He asked me if I think I will abuse our children if we have any. I was really insulted, I thought he knew me better than this. I feel like my character has been questioned

 

My hubby comes from a normal and loving family so probably doesn't fully understand the dysfunction of mine.

 

Abuse disgusts me, so does bullying and any other form of picking on another person (or animal) therefore why would the fact that I'd been abused make me more likely to be an abusive parent?

 

He apologised for asking, but said he had to ask me, because statistically I am much more likely to become an abuser. This saddens me.

 

Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden]

You become who you want to be.

Not every child whose parents smoke, becomes a smoker.

not every child whose parents drink, become an alcoholic.

Not every child whose parents are musicians, learns to play an instrument

Not every child whose parents are artists becomes a painter.

 

Yo become who you want to be, because you have the CHOICE.

[darkmoon]

i can be like you, but counselling, a bit of patience all round while getting your responses right, a good counselor who is worth hiring who understands what you want, then at least you have a new way of looking at things

 

but not all situations bring out any problems anyway

 

better/best situations are ones where I feel safe, I'd say loved, but that doesn't quite explain that feeling safe means living in a really secure environment, cuz to outsiders as a child, I seemed "loved" , a popular word that, but I was not loved behind closed doors, rather, I was abused.

 

if you feel safe in your life now, just enjoy the cocoon xx

Edited January 11, 2013 by darkmoon

[Balzac]

I understand your question but I'm not sure that you do. The factual answer is yes, the likelihood for you is greater than for those not abused. That being said, abuse is a learned behavior. We have no means to judge what your treatment of your children would be. Your husband isn't bringing this to you as a concern or complaint. It's very easy to obtain info about adult survivors of abuse.

It's easy to learn about child development. Would your"abusers" ever have your children alone?

 

I'm sorry you had abuse as a child.

Edited January 11, 2013 by Balzac

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I understand your question but I'm not sure that you do. The factual answer is yes, the likelihood for you is greater than for those not abused. That being said, abuse is a learned behavior. We have no means to judge what your treatment of your children would be. Your husband isn't bringing this to you as a concern or complaint. It's very easy to obtain info about adult survivors of abuse.

It's easy to learn about child development. Would youf "abusers" ever have your children alone?

 

I'm sorry you had abuse as a child.

 

No children yet But we have just got married, and I am now 31 so I guess we will start thinking of having them within the next two years or so.

 

No, I wouldn't leave any children we may have in the care of my abusive parents and other family members - not that I will have to because I have moved away from them in the UK to be with my American fiance.

[Balzac]

The very sad fact is that those who continue the cycle of abuse often express your very sentiments. Please understand that I am not accusing you. The problem you've identified and asked about is referred to "the abuse cycle".

I hope you understand that husband was not maligning your character. He seems to have common knowledge and understand statistics.

 

There is every reason to believe that you will acquire knowledge and rely on your husband for feedback. Knowledge is power.

[todreaminblue]

Just wondering, if you are a victim of abuse as a child, does this mean you are more likely to abuse your own children if and when you have any?

 

I recently told my husband some of the horrors I endured as a child, including physical beatings from my parents. He asked me if I think I will abuse our children if we have any. I was really insulted, I thought he knew me better than this. I feel like my character has been questioned

 

My hubby comes from a normal and loving family so probably doesn't fully understand the dysfunction of mine.

 

Abuse disgusts me, so does bullying and any other form of picking on another person (or animal) therefore why would the fact that I'd been abused make me more likely to be an abusive parent?

 

He apologised for asking, but said he had to ask me, because statistically I am much more likely to become an abuser. This saddens me.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I fear that circle of abuse,i will never close that circle....it ends with me....because i have free will......a lot of people including medical health professionals prescribe to the theory.....I think people decide for themselves what they do or dont want to do.......best wishes.....deb

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

The very sad fact is that those who continue the cycle of abuse often express your very sentiments. Please understand that I am not accusing you. The problem you've identified and asked about is referred to "the abuse cycle".

I hope you understand that husband was not maligning your character. He seems to have common knowledge and understand statistics.

 

There is every reason to believe that you will acquire knowledge and rely on your husband for feedback. Knowledge is power.

 

Yes I have heard of this abuse cycle, will have to read more about the subject. I have a friend who was beaten much worse than I was as a child, so badly that she had to go into foster care for years. But these days she is a loving Mum to her son and would never dream of abusing him!

 

It gives me some hope that I am different to my family in all ways anyway, to me they all seem the same, not just the fact that they are all abusive. But also because they have the same 'scared of life, small town mentality' outlook as one another. Being the black sheep sucks, but now looking back I think it was a blessing. Hopefully being different to them from the start means that I will break the cycle of abuse.

[Nyla]

I am afraid to have children because of my abusive childhood. I know the statistics all too well; my mother was abused as a child and she was continuing the cycle. I feel like I am too damaged to be a good mother.

 

Despite knowing what is right, I still have a bad temper like my mother and I can be very mean when wronged.

 

These attributes make me a poor candidate for being a parent.

 

Since you had an abusive childhood, you will need counseling and parenting courses so that you don't end up becoming the same kind of parent you had.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I am afraid to have children because of my abusive childhood. I know the statistics all too well; my mother was abused as a child and she was continuing the cycle. I feel like I am too damaged to be a good mother.

 

Despite knowing what is right, I still have a bad temper like my mother and I can be very mean when wronged.

 

These attributes make me a poor candidate for being a parent.

 

Since you had an abusive childhood, you will need counseling and parenting courses so that you don't end up becoming the same kind of parent you had.

 

Maybe deep down I have the same worries as you, as when my hubby and I first got together I said I was keen to have kids. Now that we are actually married therefore it's become more 'real' I am suddenly not feeling ready. My (lame) reasons are: fear of childbirth, fear of losing my body that I have spent years working out to achieve, and fear of losing my independence. Well, okay so the last reason is valid, but after our abuse discussion the other day, plus hearing what you have to say has made me think.

 

I also have a temper, plus feel angry pretty often when people treat me unfairly.

 

My Mum and Dad both have issues, my Mum was severely emotionally and psychologically abused so this may explain why she carried it on. My sisters witnessed a load of abuse and domestic violence (mainly between my Mum, Dad and myself) rather than experienced it first hand , although very occasionally they did suffer it directly but only a tiny fraction of what I got (being the scapegoat) so this explains why they are carrying on their abuse towards me even as we speak.

[Balzac]

None of your self reveals about anger surprise me. You were taught how to express/act when angry in childhood. This is the learned component. The act or interpretation of acts as being treated unfairly is the basis for the anger, sometimes an overreaction. Often actually. You can unlearn this.

 

It's great that you acknowledge your past, how you are today and hold concerns for future parenting. These beliefs can lead to change.

[Nyla]

Maybe deep down I have the same worries as you, as when my hubby and I first got together I said I was keen to have kids. Now that we are actually married therefore it's become more 'real' I am suddenly not feeling ready. My (lame) reasons are: fear of childbirth, fear of losing my body that I have spent years working out to achieve, and fear of losing my independence. Well, okay so the last reason is valid, but after our abuse discussion the other day, plus hearing what you have to say has made me think.

 

I also have a temper, plus feel angry pretty often when people treat me unfairly.

 

My Mum and Dad both have issues, my Mum was severely emotionally and psychologically abused so this may explain why she carried it on. My sisters witnessed a load of abuse and domestic violence (mainly between my Mum, Dad and myself) rather than experienced it first hand , although very occasionally they did suffer it directly but only a tiny fraction of what I got (being the scapegoat) so this explains why they are carrying on their abuse towards me even as we speak.

 

None of your beliefs are lame or invalid. You have your reasons for not wanting children and they are just as important as the reasons why people decide to become parents. Examine them and be authentic when you make your choice. Do not have children if you still have a lot of psychological issues to work out on your own.

 

Have you completed any therapy around your childhood and the issues it left you with? Deciding to speak to a counselor was the best choice I could have made for healing. I also keep a close watch on warning signs that I becoming too angry; raising my voice is a huge indicator for me. Having a patient and understanding partner helps.

[todreaminblue]

Yes I have heard of this abuse cycle, will have to read more about the subject. I have a friend who was beaten much worse than I was as a child, so badly that she had to go into foster care for years. But these days she is a loving Mum to her son and would never dream of abusing him!

 

It gives me some hope that I am different to my family in all ways anyway, to me they all seem the same, not just the fact that they are all abusive. But also because they have the same 'scared of life, small town mentality' outlook as one another. Being the black sheep sucks, but now looking back I think it was a blessing. Hopefully being different to them from the start means that I will break the cycle of abuse.

 

 

when i was a teenager......i got a part time job while i was at school, I spent half the time working helping other people do their jobs.....the things they didnt want to do they gave to me.......tedious repetitive stuff...i would daydream those tasks away while i was doing them.anyway sometimes i didnt get what i had to do finished which eventually stressed me out plus school plus all the sporting teams plus volunteer work ...i started to fail ....i got fired......my step father went in to find out why i had got fired......he got angry with what the boss said to him ...which was she should slow down and be a mother eventually that is all she should do.......it was rather ironic because i didnt plan on having any children....furthest thing from my mind.......my stepfather was livid....and when he got into the car...he turned to me and said quote"all he thinks your good for is spitting out children you are hopeless....."end quote......i was upset...didnt show it......i joined the navy the next year........i went totally wild.......but what th emoral of the stroy is i became a mother......of five....would have had more .........the guy who hired me was right....and i couldnt be prouder of my loving accepting beautiful sometimes hard to understand children.....you live and you learn.....you dotn have to repeat history if you dotn want to ...having children is a blessing and sweet as summer.......when they look back at you with love and affection.....i dont think there is a sweeter look in all the world....and yes i have been abused....doesnt mean crap as far as parenting goes..if a child needs me not just including my own....hey .....IM HERE and ready to listen..deb

Edited January 11, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Taramere]

Just wondering, if you are a victim of abuse as a child, does this mean you are more likely to abuse your own children if and when you have any?

 

I recently told my husband some of the horrors I endured as a child, including physical beatings from my parents. He asked me if I think I will abuse our children if we have any. I was really insulted, I thought he knew me better than this. I feel like my character has been questioned

 

My hubby comes from a normal and loving family so probably doesn't fully understand the dysfunction of mine.

 

Abuse disgusts me, so does bullying and any other form of picking on another person (or animal) therefore why would the fact that I'd been abused make me more likely to be an abusive parent?

 

He apologised for asking, but said he had to ask me, because statistically I am much more likely to become an abuser. This saddens me.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think that one of the lasting legacies of abuse is that people feel there is something badly wrong with them. The kind of research and statistics you're referring to can, in their own clinical and professional sounding way, compound those fears. So can reading boards like this, where the emphasis is constantly on people wanting this pristine, unabused, wonderfully functional partner - even if they themselves are weighed down by baggage.

 

Childhood abuse presents children with a difficult and terrible test. It threatens to take over their identity at the very core. Who am I? I am a victim. I can't really be loved, because if I were lovable I wouldn't get treated like this by the people closest to me. The best I can hope for is the pity and superiority masquerading as love from a rescuer which I can't help but resent. Or the tinges of what seem like loving regret from an abuser, which feel more real to me....but I can't really be loved in that wholehearted approving, "I take joy in your existence" way that classmates seem to be loved.

 

It's very hard to master those feelings instead of letting them master you, but if you can't escape them then even the smallest of confrontations can quickly escalate into this. When you consider the numbers of people, including those who regard themselves as very well adjusted and great catches as partners, who get embroiled in that triangle it becomes obvious that there are more people out there battling with the demons left by abusive scenarios than you might think.

 

I don't know if you have ever discussed, with your parents, the kind of parenting you had. My parents tended to be very resistent to blocking me on those discussions when I was a child. My brother preferred to react to it by becoming a bit of a persecutor himself...but eventually we did have those much needed discussions. That's when I discovered what a horror of a childhood my dad had had. It became more and more clear to me that while I thought he was a monster on account of these bouts of rage he would (in my view) indulge himself in having, he was actually doing not that badly at all in comparison to the childhood he himself had had. He just hadn't fully conquered the demons an abusive childhood left behind, and we were paying the price for that at times.

 

There is only one way, in my view, to break the pattern of abuse...and that is to become an adult. Psychologically an adult. That's what the drama triangle is about. It's about resisting that urge, when you get into conflict, to demonise yourself and everybody else involved. To accept that some degree of disagreement and conflict is an inevitable part of life rather than something that drives you into rage or the depths of depression.

 

I think that's what breaking the cycle of abuse is. Instead of regarding somebody who has abusive tendencies as being this terrifying ogre who might kill you, you start to appreciate that when you see them losing it they really are losing it. They're losing the battle against their childhood. I was really into psychology as a child, as I always wanted to understand the dynamics of what was going on around me.

 

When I started to figure out that anger and rage directed at me wasn't really about me at all - that it was more to do with the angry people's own internal rage and pain - I would start to feel less afraid of them and more empathic. "They feel just like I do, when they're screaming at me or hitting me." Feeling that way automatically made me respond in a different way when I felt an abusive situation was threatening to fire up.

 

It sounds as though you have a stable and loving husband who is probably all too aware of how painful a subject this business of "abusers repeating the cycle" is for you, but who nonetheless feels it's vital to address it. The feelings you have in response to that are absolutely normal. As I'm sure you already know, permitting those painful emotions to result in you giving a kneejerk reaction to his comments won't be helpful.

 

I think what he really needs to know, and what you need to know also, is whether you've battled your childhood demons sufficiently well that you'll cope when your own children test your patience. When you're feeling tired, drained and irritable but they're nonetheless placing incessant demands on you. Or when they're being cheeky and pushing all the buttons that are most likely to make you feel hurt, angry and abused by your own kids (and children can be very adept at finding those buttons).

 

When life and other people test you in a way that's geared to making you revert to feeling hurt, victimised, desirous of revenge etc...can you stay in adult mode and handle it like an adult? Even when other people around you ("rescuers") are telling you that you're being abused and that it's not your job to "handle it like an adult"? If you can, then I think you can feel confident in assuring your husband that you've broken the pattern of abuse.

[Feelin Frisky]

It depends on the person and their capacity to overcome. I was abused but am childless. I'm sure though that I would not have treated my children like my parents treated/neglected me. No one has eight children by age 30 anymore that they can't afford to raise anyway--at least not in the "developed world". But a lot of people grow up not having a reckoning with themselves about their upbringing and behave the same way towards their kids--cruelty, neglect, appeasement with unhealthy foods just to shut 'em up etc.

[RR1]

I would say not necessarily. Both my older brother and myself were abandoned several times by a parent who didn't have any parenting skills, well not many anyway. I remember coming home from school at 7 years old and my Mother had just vanished, gone just like that. She subsequently came back a few months later but the pattern had been established and she went Awol on many different occasions until i ended-up being taken in by one of her previous boyfriends because i didn't have anyone else prepared to do so. My mother had been abandoned herself when she was a child so had not learnt any parenting skills.

 

When my older brother became a parent i did wonder how he would cope and whether he would do a good job as a parent. I have to say he has been a really good parent. The lessons he learned s a child were how not to be a parent. He has always been there for his children and has been a stable and positive influence in their lives. He has done a first class job at parenting. So i do think it depends on the individual. People cn overcome adversity to rise above what they have experienced themselves.