Colderpr Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 12 months ago I "met" a girl on an OLD site. We still haven't met... (care to read on?) We text thousands of times a month - I'm talking 10,000+ each - and we skype every night for hours. According to FB we have been in a relationship for the last 11 months. The girl thinks we are BF/GF, I feel more along the lines of committed to each other but not in a relationship. She doesn't like that, but that's what it is. I'm not seeing anyone else nor do I have an interest in someone else. It just doesn't feel like a true relationship because I can't actually be with her. Here's the thing, we live maybe 15 minutes away from each other. I know she lives where she says she lives because her phone number has the right area code (different parts of the city have different area codes) and I saw her car parked in front of an apartment in the area. I know it was her car because it had same license plate as the one in the pictures on her FB. I've driven by to check now and again and it's always there. So she wasn't just visiting. She has no idea that I know exactly where she lives. Now for the reason why we haven't see each other. She has terrible, terrible anxiety. We've never met so in her mind I could be a serial rapist or a murderer. I swear she thinks that I'm going to rape her, cut off her limbs, then mail them to various people. Okay not really... But probably. We have tried everything... My friends, her friends, my place, her place, coffee here and there, movies, restaurants, parks, hospital (broke her arm). When I talk about breaking up she always cries a ton and is upset for at least a week. I really want to be [physically] with this girl. You have no idea how great we get along and fit together. I have never met someone who I was so compatible with or that made me so happy. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation. But I just can't let go of her. I feel that if I were to date someone else, I would have to settle because I'd never meet someone like her. But even with how much I love this girl, I don't know what I'm doing. My friends and family think I'm crazy so we don't talk about it and I'm not totally happy. I'm happy enough but the longer this drags on the less happy I am. I'm 26 and I'm at the point of being ready to get married, have kids. But I don't want to give up on her because I keep thinking maybe just one more week and she'll be able to see me. That has been happening for the last 11.5 months. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 OMG how have you manged to last this long? My advice, tell her to meet you for coffee or something at a local place or it's over. If she won't do that, then you are wasting your time with a girl who is nothing more than a penpal. Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Care to read on? Oh yeah, like watching a train wreck. I'm not sure if its the fact you live 15 minutes away is more intriguing, or if its the stalking that captivates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 (edited) OMG how have you manged to last this long? A combination of love and not having other options. I'll admit if there was someone else I liked, I wouldn't be with her. But there isn't and I don't expect there to be while I have feelings for her. My advice, tell her to meet you for coffee or something at a local place or it's over. If she won't do that, then you are wasting your time with a girl who is nothing more than a penpal. Giving an ultimatum hasn't worked yet, just made things worse. It put more pressure on her and made her upset. We've tried meeting for coffee probably 100 times. Care to read on? Oh yeah, like watching a train wreck. I'm not sure if its the fact you live 15 minutes away is more intriguing, or if its the stalking that captivates. I wouldn't call it stocking. I just wanted to make sure she really lived where she was claiming to live. Edited January 11, 2013 by Colderpr Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 Giving an ultimatum hasn't worked yet, just made things worse. It put more pressure on her and made her upset. We've tried meeting for coffee probably 100 times. In order for the ultimatum to work you need to stand firm and be prepared to lose what you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 In order for the ultimatum to work you need to stand firm and be prepared to lose what you have. I really don't think that would work. I'd be scared to try it because I really don't want to lose her. We "broke up" once and it only lasted a day. I think she knows that I wouldn't leave her and if I did I'd come back. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 11, 2013 Share Posted January 11, 2013 I really don't think that would work. I'd be scared to try it because I really don't want to lose her. We "broke up" once and it only lasted a day. I think she knows that I wouldn't leave her and if I did I'd come back. Hey, if this is what you're happy with, and unwilling to lose it, then nothing will ever change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 11, 2013 Author Share Posted January 11, 2013 Hey, if this is what you're happy with, and unwilling to lose it, then nothing will ever change. I'm not happy with it, but I'm scared to lose it. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm not happy with it, but I'm scared to lose it. Lose what? This is an online affair, you guys could be chemistry-less in person. when you say Skype, do you mean with video? Just go meet her at her apartment when she is getting out of her car or something. you are her "boyfriend" so why not? Or tell her if she doesn't meet you its over and MEAN it. why would you be scared to lose what potentially is just words on a screen? I could write those words to you too! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 why would you be scared to lose what potentially is just words on a screen? I could write those words to you too! You wouldn't dare. Those are for my eyes only! Colderpr, she's right, if you were her boyfriend, she wouldn't be afraid of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Lose what? This is an online affair, you guys could be chemistry-less in person. when you say Skype, do you mean with video? Just go meet her at her apartment when she is getting out of her car or something. you are her "boyfriend" so why not? Or tell her if she doesn't meet you its over and MEAN it. why would you be scared to lose what potentially is just words on a screen? I could write those words to you too! Because I know that in person she would make me happier than anyone else ever could. Yeah we Skype with video for hours every night. We have plenty of chemistry with that. I know that it's not real life though. If I go to her apartment and surprise her, it will ruin all of the [slow, very slow] trust progress I've made with her. I've been trying to get her to tell me her address even though I already know it. So far she has told me the street that it's on, and I've promised her that I won't just show up. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Have you ever had a girlfriend? (Not counting what you have now) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Have you ever had a girlfriend? (Not counting what you have now) I've had 5 girlfriends not including the one I have now. Most of the relationships were 1-3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
TheZebra Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I have never met someone who I was so compatible with or that made me so happy. Never in a million years did I think I would be in this situation. But I just can't let go of her. I feel that if I were to date someone else, I would have to settle because I'd never meet someone like her. You have no idea how many 16 yr old kids say the same thing about their boyfriend/girlfriend too. Yes, you CAN meet someone like that, and someone that will actually see you in person too. But not while you're essentially dating a ghost. Re-read what you wrote. You met online and in a year you still haven't actually met even though you live 15 minutes away from each other. Does that sound normal? Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Just go meet her at her apartment when she is getting out of her car or something. That's horrible advice! You'll either scare the crap out of her and/or get pepper sprayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brunettie Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I know you said that ultimatums haven't worked well in the past, but that's apparently the only choice you have left right now. 12 months is a crazy long time. Pair that amount of time with all the texting, skype calls, and trying to meet up...and there is really no reason she can not have met up with you by now, even if she has anxiety issues. You really need to tell her something, you can tell her calmly and gently, but you need to say that this is getting ridiculous and you nee to know where it's going. Tell her you would like to meet up at the mall, or a coffee shop, somewhere where there are a lot of people. Tell her she can bring a friend or 2 or 3 or whatever she wants. But tell her this needs to happen asap. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Why don't you "accidentally" bump into her when she is out and about. Since you stalk her already, see where she goes shopping or something and just appear so surprised and happy to see her. I think she prefers a fantasy relationship to a real one. She is probably a virgin afraid of sex. Does she live with her parents? Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Why don't you "accidentally" bump into her when she is out and about. Since you stalk her already He wasn't stalking, he was verifying. Big difference there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 That's horrible advice! You'll either scare the crap out of her and/or get pepper sprayed. Oh please. She's gonna pepper spray her boyfriend who approaches her? OP is she on medication or something, like what is the deal that she is soooo anxious she can't meet her boyfriend. Is she in therapy or something? I don't get it. I'd tell her you can't do this anymore if it's not going to progress...why do you want to date a project so badly? How long are you willing to give her? you should at least figure that out, then stick to it. I'd say 6 more months max...well tbh I'd say bounce right now, but if you wanna stick around, I'd figure out a deadline. Link to post Share on other sites
TheZebra Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 i think the biggest problem is that if it takes her this long just to meet the guy, how long is it going to take for actual one-on-one dates? A hug? A kiss? Sex? Living together? Marriage? If the sole act of meeting takes a year... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 why was she on a dating site if she didnt want to meet someone anyway? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Oh please. She's gonna pepper spray her boyfriend who approaches her? I'd say the odds are pretty good.It's not like she's ever seen him in person. Not too mention she'd probably run away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 You have no idea how many 16 yr old kids say the same thing about their boyfriend/girlfriend too. Yes, you CAN meet someone like that, and someone that will actually see you in person too. But not while you're essentially dating a ghost. That may be true, I'll admit. Why don't you "accidentally" bump into her when she is out and about. Since you stalk her already, see where she goes shopping or something and just appear so surprised and happy to see her. I think she prefers a fantasy relationship to a real one. She is probably a virgin afraid of sex. Does she live with her parents? I don't stalk her. I wanted to verify that she was who she said she was. There is nothing wrong with that. I have thought about showing up somewhere she is, but that wouldn't do any good. I would be happy to see her but she wouldn't be happy to see me. She would be too scared to be happy. She hardly goes out anyway. I don't think she prefers the online relationship. She always talks about how much she wants to be with me and that she hates herself because she can't. She is a virgin, but I don't see what that has to do with it?? She lives by herself. Oh please. She's gonna pepper spray her boyfriend who approaches her? OP is she on medication or something, like what is the deal that she is soooo anxious she can't meet her boyfriend. Is she in therapy or something? I don't get it. I'd tell her you can't do this anymore if it's not going to progress...why do you want to date a project so badly? How long are you willing to give her? you should at least figure that out, then stick to it. I'd say 6 more months max...well tbh I'd say bounce right now, but if you wanna stick around, I'd figure out a deadline. I don't think she'd pepper spray me, but it could be a possibility. What if she didn't recognize me right away? What if she reacted before realizing it was me? To my knowledge she is on antianxiety medication and in therapy. I don't know the cause of the anxiety - if there is one - we've never talked about that. I try to but she acts anxious or scared and gets a little upset so I drop it. I don't want to date a project but I do want to date her. Because I like her more than I've liked anyone else. I have no clue how long I'm willing to give her. At first I said a week, then it was a month, then a few months. It just keeps going. I couldn't last like this forever though... i think the biggest problem is that if it takes her this long just to meet the guy, how long is it going to take for actual one-on-one dates? A hug? A kiss? Sex? Living together? Marriage? If the sole act of meeting takes a year... I've wondered about this as well. I can wait for sex, I've already lasted a year and it hasn't been too bad. But I wonder how long it will take her to kiss me or be alone with me. We have talked about it. She thinks kissing and being alone won't take that long once we actually meet. She thinks meeting is the biggest hump. She did admit that she had no clue how long sex would take though. why was she on a dating site if she didnt want to meet someone anyway? The million dollar question... To add, she has had a boyfriend before. 3 actually. But she knew all of them since like pre-school. Link to post Share on other sites
outsidethebox Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Are you texting with her right now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colderpr Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Are you texting with her right now? Not at this minute. That's a strange question. Care to elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
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