"Met" a girl 12 months ago online, still haven't met

[outsidethebox]

If we knew how things end, we wouldn't start.

[coffeebean201]

Read up on co-dependence.

 

She will always want to be a part of your life.

[Malia25]

I don't think I can't do better. I think that I can't find someone like her.

 

Well you certainly got that part right. She's definitely one of a kind, isn't she? You have an incredible amount of patience and a wonderful level of care. I really commend you for that. I hope that you do eventually meet and end up in a relationship with her. With the way you've treated her, you deserve it.

 

But I wonder if all your patience and understanding will run its course eventually. You might even grow to resent her, as others have stated. One person can only take so much "craziness" in their life/spouse. She is going to take you for a ride. Actually, you are already on the ride - and it seems very unstable and ready to break down any minute. I hope your helmet can sustain the injuries. I wish you luck!

[Colderpr]

I consider myself to be open-minded and tend to always take into consideration both sides of the story. But this situation has me flabbergasted!

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I started having strong feelings for her very quickly. When we first started talking she was away on vacation (spring break/reading week) so we just talked. She was gone for 2 weeks [the length of that break] and we talked non-stop. We texted nearly 24/7. We Skyped a couple times as well and we were smiling for hours. My face hurt from smiling so much. When I picture my future I see her [physically with me]. Of all the relationships I've had I've never felt that before. She's extremely nice, she isn't an attention wh*re [no offence to those who are], she's intelligent, she's much more mature than other people our age, she's polite, we have almost the same beliefs, what we don't agree on we are okay with, her smile is contagious, she's gorgeous, I've never been more attracted to someone, despite being LD/online she treats me amazing.

 

I really don't think that she is having multiple of these relationships with other men. At first I did wonder that though, so I get where that is coming from totally. But we text all the time I really don't think she'd have time to text someone else, we skype literally whenever I ask if she was doing that with other people she wouldn't be able to skype all the time, when we skype she doesn't touch her phone or type or anything. We have skyped for up to 9 hours. She wouldn't be able to keep up other relationships. On the rare occasion that she does text she's always using the same phone - an iPhone. Those are too expensive to have multiples. I also have her on FB and I'm listed as her BF and post on her wall. She doesn't have multiple accounts because I've searched for her name and pictures and nothing comes up. Possible but highly unlikely.

 

Would asking to meet her therapist with her be a violation of privacy? I don't like I'd want someone meeting my therapist if I had one. But I don't have one so I guess I don't really know.

 

How do you think this ends, seriously?

 

I really don't know. How I hope things end is with her in my arms. Up to this point I've wanted that enough to not end this.

[Misspennyapple]

I have a strange question, but it sadly comes from my experience. Have you seen her fully? Like standing in front of the camera? I'm overweight and have met people online i liked, and despite me telling them and being on camera they wouldn't believe me. I look much thinner than I am on camera, and didn't show a lot of my body. I would get so insecure about it, even if he was only a friend, that I just couldn't meet in person. Maybe she has something she's really insecure about that she thinks you won't like? Not saying she's overweight but it could be another underlying issue. Ask her about it maybe?

[Million.to.1]

Ok... I think they key is getting this to the meeting stage is limiting this 24/7 txting and 9 hour skype dates. That is rather excessive, even in this very odd situation.

What need does she have to meet you when she is receiving everything she already needs to feel safe and secure in the relationship without having to confront any of her fears?

Reduce communication to restricted schedule. 1 hour of skype 3x per week. 6 txts per day. Be drastic. Tell her she has one month to meet you (however she chooses to do it) or the communication allowance halves... And it will continue to reduce like this till maybe there's nothing left.

 

You cannot continue to be an enabler.

 

I also agree that maybe you should ask about a meeting with the therapist. maybe suggest to her to ask her therapist about it and see what she says? She can only say no... it's worth asking.

[Million.to.1]

I have a strange question, but it sadly comes from my experience. Have you seen her fully? Like standing in front of the camera? I'm overweight and have met people online i liked, and despite me telling them and being on camera they wouldn't believe me. I look much thinner than I am on camera, and didn't show a lot of my body. I would get so insecure about it, even if he was only a friend, that I just couldn't meet in person. Maybe she has something she's really insecure about that she thinks you won't like? Not saying she's overweight but it could be another underlying issue. Ask her about it maybe?

 

This is a really good point. There must be something... either something physical like this or a really really bad experience in her past.

 

Scars maybe? Like burns or something?

A skin condition?

 

.....chronic halitosis??

[Colderpr]

She does suck in when her stomach is visible - I can tell because her trachea area sucks in but she usually covers it with her hair or position. She isn't fat though her stomach just isn't completely flat without sucking in by the looks of it.

 

When I think about it, she's never let me see her legs. When she walks away from the computer she is usually wearing sweats or she repositions the webcam to the side a bit so I can't see her walk away. She does it while she gets up so it looks like it moved because she moved. But there can't be something terribly wrong with them? If she had scars she would just not wear shorts. She's not fat so her legs couldn't be huge. She does know that I really like legs though. I don't know this might mean nothing.

 

(Thought of something in regards to the above. I did mention early on that I don't like when girls thighs touch... I'm not repulsed if they do but I just don't find it attractive.)

 

I'm still wondering about a past experience but I can't think of something that would be so bad that she would never be able to go out. Maybe I'm just naive.

 

I think it would be smart to start reducing how much we communicate. I don't think I should make a quick change though. But I agree with Skyping 3x/week. I'll think about this. It does make sense that she is already getting everything she needs to been safe and secure without having to confront her fears. Good thinking. Thank you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Bottom line: she is hiding something.

 

It can be physical (weight, scars, medical condition) or mental (severe mental illness she is not disclosing). Whatever it is, she seems intelligent enough to keep her basis covered.

 

She is also comfortable enough to keep her "fortress" locked. There is no serious threat of you leaving her (at least not so far). Few days of distance is not nearly enough - you need to clearly show her that this can't go on for much longer. As nice as you think she is, she is not treating you fairly and is demonstrating very selfish behavior. You are giving it your all and then some and she is witholding so much from you. I know you think "she can't help it" but that's really not the case. She can go to the grocery store when she really needs to, she can walk the dog, she plans to work in a lab. Yet, she can't meet you under any conditions? C'mon. Doesn't add up.

 

I think that talking to her therapist is an excellent idea. You need more information.

[rupert-hill]

Just turn off your computer and walk away. Don't go back. Remove her from your chat lists, change your phone number and don't contact her ever again.

 

Meanwhile, start dating other girls who are available to you physically. Once you start dating other girls, you won't have any interest in staying in contact with this crazy woman.

[Misspennyapple]

In sorry but even with my being overweight, I would eventually at least meet a guy, especially if he lived only 15 min away. I think she is just happy with what you guys have. You say she gets mad or upset when things slow down or it got worse when you said you'd leave if someone else came along. I don't care how much anxiety she has, after a year she should have no problem meeting you if she is comfortable enough to talk 24-7 and show herself on camera. You need to tell her that you have to meet. Ask her on a date, if she says no or skips out tell her goodbye. Tell her you truly care but can't go on this way. Then don't contact her. If she tries to contact you tell her it's over unless its her trying to meet. She can't have true feelings for you if she doesn't want to even see you. Quit making excuses, I know how it feels, but everyone here is right and you came here to hear the truth. Give an ultimatum and walk away if she won't. Start dating, meet other women, give it a few months. If you can't stop thinking about her you can always try again, but distance yourself and forget her for a little while, you might feel differently down the road.