Quite Possibly the Worst MM you have ever heard about....

[hissunshine]

Before I start, I want to say that I know that this will make some people very mad. But please, I am asking you not to flame me...I really don’t need that right now. I need support and I hope that maybe if there are others who are in a similar situation, they will read this and know that they are not alone. Honestly though, I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

 

I have not posted in over a year because I guess it is somewhat embarrassing to tell people what I have put up with and endured because I realize that there is not a man in the world who is worth the pain that MM has caused me.

 

To recap what I posted a year and a half ago, I became involved with a MM who wanted to leave his wife as his marriage was over and he was in love with me (and I with him). A month later, W was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer that had spread to her bones. I decided to stay in the relationship even if he decided to stay in the marriage until the end of her life, for the sake of his two teenage children (yes....I know). Almost two years later, the cancer is now in her lungs and liver, in addition to have spread extensively through her bones. The end is near, I am sure.

 

The past two years have been a mix of heaven and hell for us. What very small amounts of time that we are together, and this has gradually lessened as her condition has deteriorated, have been bliss. I could see in his eyes how much he loved me. All along he has made grand promises about the future we would have together. He always said that it is not the short term that matters, he wants us to get to the long term. Promise after promise after promise that I can see now were just a bunch of crap. The first year we were together, he went on many family vacations where he would completely shut me out of his life - no communication as he wanted to spend quality time with his girls. He said they were the most important thing to him and he wants them to find men someday that measure up to him. Of course, the father they know has not left their mother’s side since she got sick. Quite a sham he has put on.

 

My birthday was ignored in the first year as he was in NYC with W, because again this was one of her dying wishes. NYC is my favorite place on earth and before he went with her, he always talked about taking me. After promising me he would not go MIA during his trip, his BlackBerry conveniently broke so he disappeared for 4 days. It was really unfortunate that there are no other phones in NYC.

 

Christmas that year was also ignored and he disappeared again saying that it was a very emotional time as it was probably her “last” Christmas.

 

My last birthday in October he didn’t ignore. He came to visit that night with a card (the first thing he has ever given me) saying that he was going to turn the week into my birthday week - that it would be full of surprises. He also promised to make me dinner since he could not take me out. Other than sending me flowers at work 5 days later, there were no surprises. As for the dinner he was going to make me, he scheduled it the following week but on the day it was supposed to happen, his father allegedly showed up from out of town so “decide where you want to get takeout. I don’t have time to cook for you tonight”, he said. I grew somewhat of a backbone that day and told him I deserved more than takeout and if he did not have time to do it right, I didn’t want to do it. Up to a month later, he kept saying the surprises were going to happen! No shock to me, they did not.

 

I was ignored at Christmas this year...yet again, her “last” Christmas (although, I am sure it was)....I did my best to suck it up and be there for him. He cried to me how much he needed me and that everything else in his life was falling apart (insert crying here)....I needed to be his rock, I am his happy place.

 

I have tried to end it many times but I always miss him like crazy and go back, hoping to be able to endure the pain until we can be together. I have never gotten over his lack of thoughtlessness when it comes to me. It has hurt me deeply and I can’t move past it. Reading about how some OWs on here get gifts and trips and all kinds of gestures of affection from their MM had me wanting a normal affair on many occasions. Those situations would be quite a step up, sadly.

 

Well, I am finally happy to say that I have had enough. This guy is the lowest form of scum on this universe for many reasons. I am not listening to his crap anymore and I am not going to let him use me anymore!

 

It is OVER!

[Decorative]

How is it again you know for certain his wife has cancer?

 

My very first thought

[whichwayisup]

I do remember you from last year. I am sorry that you chose to stick with him while he chose to stay with his dying wife. Cancer sucks!

 

As painful as this was for you to do, I am glad to hear that you ended it! You put yourself in that situation that would do damage to you and hurt you and it's good that you found the strength to walk away.

 

Not defending him at all (he's an idiot) as he should have ended it and not been so selfish to hang onto you and still look after his dying wife - He will have to face and deal with his decisions later on when he is alone - Let HIM sort that out, don't you go back to him after she passes away..Too much has happened and there's too much pain involved on so many levels. It's unhealthy.

 

DO get counseling to help you cope with this..

[hissunshine]

I forgot to add - please be specific. Don't say something like, "I've seen him burst into tears many times" or "I heard the stress in his voice" or he gives too many details . . . or "My MM would never lie to me."

 

How do you know she has cancer?

 

We both work for the same company. If he is lying to me, he is lying to our boss and all his co-workers. Her cancer is a fact, not a potential lie.

[hissunshine]

I'm sorry you are hurting. What can we do to help you through this?

 

Thank you....support is all I need.

[promises]

do whatever you need to, to be healthy in your own life. That would be my advice. You know you should walk away. You are his crutch, and imagine how painful it would be if she does pass away and then he disappears.

[hissunshine]

I do remember you from last year. I am sorry that you chose to stick with him while he chose to stay with his dying wife. Cancer sucks!

 

As painful as this was for you to do, I am glad to hear that you ended it! You put yourself in that situation that would do damage to you and hurt you and it's good that you found the strength to walk away.

 

Not defending him at all (he's an idiot) as he should have ended it and not been so selfish to hang onto you and still look after his dying wife - He will have to face and deal with his decisions later on when he is alone - Let HIM sort that out, don't you go back to him after she passes away..Too much has happened and there's too much pain involved on so many levels. It's unhealthy.

 

DO get counseling to help you cope with this..

 

Thanks WWIU. I am sorry I stuck with him too! I think the longer it went on, the harder it was to end it because everyday "the end" gets closer and closer. I think pity was also a reason I stuck with it. There were times where he was so broken, I felt like a heartless b*tch for walking away from him like that. Of course he could then turn around a short time later and treat me like dirt...and be very mean. It was a pretty awful roller coaster to ride....

[hissunshine]

So basically you're complaining that she's in the way - because all I get from your post is that you're impatient that she's not dying quick enough.

 

 

Um, I think you are reading what you want to think I wrote.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks WWIU. I am sorry I stuck with him too! I think the longer it went on, the harder it was to end it because everyday "the end" gets closer and closer. I think pity was also a reason I stuck with it. There were times where he was so broken, I felt like a heartless b*tch for walking away from him like that. Of course he could then turn around a short time later and treat me like dirt...and be very mean. It was a pretty awful roller coaster to ride....

 

As time goes on, you'll see how messed up the whole past year has been and the reason why I say you should do counseling to help you cope is because things might hit you hard on so many levels..The choices you made and why, dealing with that... He is messed up too. Anybody who cheats like that on his or her dying spouse has some disturbing issues to deal with .... The guilt, the fallout...Yuck, his life is gonna be a bigger mess in the future. You don't need him running to you afterwards .. .And he WILL try to get you back ...

 

Do take care of yourself and forgive yourself and soon him so you can go on with your life.

[promises]

Yeah don't think about it's like for her dying with a man half emotionally with someone else. Only think of you. Good-O.

 

Question: what should he have done? Divorced her while she was dying? Dumped you and recommitted to her? Or just leeched some more time from her last years and given them to you? What was it you though he SHOULD have done?

 

He IS despicable. To her. Thankfully she won't have to put up with it for as long as she might.

 

Why are you all over my b*tt. We're trying to help the OP. You are still very intense on making sure every OW is scorned. Seems like a giant waste of time.

[hissunshine]

Yeah don't think about it's like for her dying with a man half emotionally with someone else. Only think of you. Good-O.

 

Question: what should he have done? Divorced her while she was dying? Dumped you and recommitted to her? Or just leeched some more time from her last years and given them to you? What was it you though he SHOULD have done?

 

He IS despicable. To her. Thankfully she won't have to put up with it for as long as she might.

 

What? Are some of you people even reading this before jumping to the response? Promises wrote what you quoted...

 

No, I think he did the right thing by staying. I have never faulted him for that. There is no way he could have left. I probably should have made that more clear. I have NEVER asked him to choose between me and his family. What makes me so angry are all the promises he has made and broken along the way...and of course the "sham" he lives at home. It's like he is Teflon. Nothing is ever his fault.

[hissunshine]

Why are you all over my b*tt. We're trying to help the OP. You are still very intense on making sure every OW is scorned. Seems like a giant waste of time.

 

Thanks Promises...the "angry at the world" people on here are who I was hoping would stay out of this...

[hissunshine]

As time goes on, you'll see how messed up the whole past year has been and the reason why I say you should do counseling to help you cope is because things might hit you hard on so many levels..The choices you made and why, dealing with that... He is messed up too. Anybody who cheats like that on his or her dying spouse has some disturbing issues to deal with .... The guilt, the fallout...Yuck, his life is gonna be a bigger mess in the future. You don't need him running to you afterwards .. .And he WILL try to get you back ...

 

Do take care of yourself and forgive yourself and soon him so you can go on with your life.

 

I have thought of counselling many, many times over the past year and a half. I will go if this does not get better very soon!

 

And yes, you are right, he will try and get me back. He always talked about that saying that we are meant to be together and he will win me back when the time is right. Yikes. I will have to be prepared for that.

[promises]

Thanks Promises...the "angry at the world" people on here are who I was hoping would stay out of this...

 

good luck with that.. ultimately, everyone deserves the chance to heal. You deserve the real deal. The energy alone he gives you from his situation can't be helpful in your life. Take care of yourself.

[eleanorrigby]

and of course the "sham" he lives at home. It's like he is Teflon.

 

Why does that part bother you?

[Decorative]

Thanks Promises...the "angry at the world" people on here are who I was hoping would stay out of this...

 

People who have a different view of your behavior than you do are not necessarily angry at the world. LOL

 

I'm perfectly pleasant. I really am. LOL I just have a low tolerance for behavior that hurts other people- and believe it or not, I think you've been treated horribly, as well.

[2sunny]

I'm glad you found the strength to end it.

 

You deserve better!

 

Life is too short to waste time on a man who will cheat.

 

Never settle!

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like his lack of affection towards you has been especially hurtful.

 

Maybe he is angry at the situation. But it isn't right to take it out on you (ie being passive aggressive).

 

If he is the cancer caretaker at his house, he needs to carve out room /time/opportunities to care also for his own emotional/physical/mental health.

[hissunshine]

Why does that part bother you?

 

He really seems to care about what people think about him. Part of his reasoning at the start was that he did not love her anymore, he was staying to take care of the mother of his children, to be the best dad he could be. He has taken her to every single doctors appointment, test, etc... He has taken care of her family during all of their visits. He has followed his kids to every extracurricular activity under the sun...if you can name it, he has done it. Honestly, an outsider would think he was absolutely the perfect husband, which is what he wants the world to see. But he isn't! He is in love with another woman who he treats like crap. Or maybe, he isn't in love with me at all...which brings me back to feeling very used.

[ComingInHot]

hissunshine;

I hope as miserable as you are feeling right now, you are still relieved you ended it.

 

How do you feel about engaging w/a mm who has a terminally I'll W at home who is trying to live whatever life she has left to the fullest w/the man she vowed her heart and life to and children?

 

I can't imagine what you must be feeling about the reality of the situation and your choices. I hope you have the support in place that will help you get through all of this*

[hissunshine]

Sounds like his lack of affection towards you has been especially hurtful.

 

Maybe he is angry at the situation. But it isn't right to take it out on you (ie being passive aggressive).

 

If he is the cancer caretaker at his house, he needs to carve out room /time/opportunities to care also for his own emotional/physical/mental health.

 

He is the only caretaker at his house, works full time (he has an executive type position where he used to work 60 hours a week and travel all the time) and does all the cooking and cleaning. I don't know how the man functions. He only sleeps about 2 hours a night. Many times, she sleeps all day and keeps him up all night because she is in pain or has chemo side effects. A lot of time, his only escape or personal time was when he came to see me. He calls me his happy place. He says that the only time he feels normal is when we are together.

 

But, he has done some pretty awful things to me in spite of my best efforts to be there for him and to help him through this.

[whichwayisup]

He really seems to care about what people think about him. Part of his reasoning at the start was that he did not love her anymore, he was staying to take care of the mother of his children, to be the best dad he could be. He has taken her to every single doctors appointment, test, etc... He has taken care of her family during all of their visits. He has followed his kids to every extracurricular activity under the sun...if you can name it, he has done it. Honestly, an outsider would think he was absolutely the perfect husband, which is what he wants the world to see. But he isn't! He is in love with another woman who he treats like crap. Or maybe, he isn't in love with me at all...which brings me back to feeling very used.

 

If he walked away and chose you over his dying wife - EVERY SINGLE PERSON, including his children, would hate him. Nobody would support his decision and he'd be the devil.

 

He may have really loved you, but his family obligation is much more important. To try to compete with that is setting one self up for a fall.

 

As for the counseling, go! Get strong because he could come find you in the future and you need to be strong enough to tell him to F off and leave you alone.

 

Plus, he is gonna be one messed up man once his wife passes away..You don't want to be his shoulder and therapist during that time. The grief, guilt and everything he's done WILL hit him all at once.

[hissunshine]

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but don't you see the parallel here with the caring BW who did everything she could but not, apparently, what he really wanted? She cooked, cleaned, did all the child rearing, had a job, date night, great sex... And he still cheats. I know women like that. They could easily claim to be the perfect wife.

 

He on the other hand is cheating on his wife and mother to his kids. That by definition is a bad husband and father. Sorry to break that to you. You can't be modeling that behavior and deceivong wife and kids and claim to be a good husband or father.

 

I know! Exactly...hence "the sham." He is such a hypocrite! A year ago, I would have argued with you but it's crystal clear now...

[Mount]

In my perspective, gifts/dining..etc from MM is not only a money thing, I always think when a man invests more stuff/$$ to his woman, that means one side that he is investing part of himself beside he invests his emotion.

 

I can afford all the stuff myself, actually I buy myself the highest end clothe/shoes/bags myself, but I like see MM showing the gesture and actions buying gifts when my birthday time and holiday season, even though the gift just non high end comparing to my taste.

 

 

Reading about how some OWs on here get gifts and trips and all kinds of gestures of affection from their MM had me wanting a normal affair on many occasions. Those situations would be quite a step up, sadly.

 

Well, I am finally happy to say that I have had enough. This guy is the lowest form of scum on this universe for many reasons. I am not listening to his crap anymore and I am not going to let him use me anymore!

 

It is OVER!

[coffeebean201]

Just because you are his sunshine and make him feel normal now, doesn't mean he will pick you as a partner when his wife passes on.

 

The fact he is not being loving and affectionate towards you now doesn't bode well for the future.

 

He will pick a woman that slides easily like a cookie-cutter into his existing life, gets along with his kids etc. Can you turn yourself into that woman?

 

He is going to be impossible to be with initially because women will be throwing themselves at him. .... which leads to a malicious ego problem while he is dealing with his resentment, grief and personal expectations of being seen as perfect.

 

Bottom line: be strong, tough and as close to perfect as can be. And don't take any crap from his kids if and when the time comes.