The Grass is NEVER greener, but let them learn the hard way.

[Renard99]

It is not in my mind it is a FACT.

 

No, you don't know all the facts. Yes, his job is a fact, as is his salary, the car he drives and the way he looks. What makes him who he is, is what's inside his head and you are certainly not in there. Don't say you've been told that he's great because i can tell you that I'm 9 feet talk and i can turn invisible. Doesn't make it true. How do you know they're not arguing right this very second. Have you bugged the room and tapped the phone lines?

 

Humans aren't perfect buy nature yet you make him out to be the perfect man. In all honesty, it makes you sound a little pathetic. I'm sorry for that she's put this inferiority complex in you and I'm also sorry that you truly believe in it. What I'm not sorry for you about is the way you are now setting yourself such low position in life and are seemingly striving to stay in such a low position.

 

I tried to help, even thought the Hitler analogy was a strong one, but I can't show someone something that they can't see themselves.

[Sunshine87]

What does "GIGS" mean?

 

You will be consumed with negativity, poor self-esteem and image and no self-love,if you choose to believe that your ex left you because you were not good enough.

 

I understand the point that you are making Rammo. In life, most people are judged on their material possessions. Celebrities are pretty much celebrities because they are rich, talented and famous. The same goes for athletes, footballers etc. In the professional world, your success is rated largely by your income, which in determined to a large extent by your worth. If you own a lawfirm with highly competent lawyers and the right briefs, you get recognition. You get more clients, you earn more revenue and profits. You become "renonwed" in your field and everyone (who can afford you) wants to hire you.

 

The most successful bankers are the CEOs, MDs and Directors of the global institutions. The most successful doctors (at least in the UK and in my country (somewhere in Africa), are not the ones employed by the Govt. It doesn't matter how good they are. The surgoens who own their private practices are deemed the most successful because of the income they command!

 

The "better-looking" women and men are deemed more attractive and preferred. The list goes on.

 

However, you need to realise that there is more to life than the aforementioned. I'm not in the habit of wishing others bad. I prefer to wish people well, even though they might have hurt me. But you don't know where your ex-gf will be in 5 yrs time, in 10yrs time. What makes you think that she would still be with this guy? What makes you think she wouldn't be nursing her wounds from a painful breakup? What makes you think she won't be stuck in an unhappy relationship? My point is: it's too early to tell whether or not the grass was greener for her. There is so much that can happen and will happen.

 

I had a friend who was dating a musician who really adored her. She left him for his friend who came from an extremely wealthy family. He had the looks, the money, the fancy cars, the charm..you name it. Her ex-bf (the dotting boyfriend she dumped), was so hurt, publicly disgraced and humiliated. He was curhsed! But it seemed she was living the perfect life. Until she got pregnant and he dumped her. Things got so bad that her new boyfriend's mother called her own mother and warned them to abort the baby because their family did not want anything to do them! She was distraught! She threw away a "stable" boyfriend who provided her with emotional stability, comfort, love and care for someone who she thought could give her a better life. She lost.

 

In a summary, life brings a lot. It brings challenges, pains and trials. It brings love, joy and happiness. But it also brings a lot of shocks and unpredictable things. Money is nice. It makes life comfortable. But there is so much more (in the medium to long term) to a relationship than these things. If money, fame and goodlooks were sufficient for a loving and stable relationships then most of the celebrities in hollywood would still be together.

 

Focus on yourself and wish her well. Don't wait for her downfall and don't live in bitterness. Give yourself time to grief. However don't ruin your self-esteem by comparing constantly. Sure, he has some things that you don't have. But you could/can offer somethings that he can't either. That IS the truth. No two persons are the same but I'm sure you added value to her life in many ways that she might not appreciate fully NOW, but eventually will when she begins to face challenges in her new relationship or when the relationship ends.

 

Be kind to your self. X

Apologies for any typos. I'm using my phone and didn't go over my post.

[Stoic44]

/\ Exactly.

 

Sometimes when you lose, you win.

 

And sometimes when you think you win, you end up losing.

[lemonlegs]

Have those using the phrase 'not good enough' ever thought that 'not right for you' may apply........... and before you say anything, it's not dressing it up in flowery language, there can be a big difference.

 

As we grow older our ideas, goals and tastes change.

 

I became 'not right' for my ex. She started out as a shy and introverted person and that was fine for the two of us. We both prefered the quiet life. However, as she got more life experience, she grew and so did her tastes. She became more out going. It was only a very small change but it was enough for us to not be 'right' for each other anymore. She's now with a guy who's a big tattooed brute who's much more outgoing..... however, I don't look at him and say "well she left my skinny a** that likes to beat the hell out of a drum kit, for a beefed up bruiser that likes to be beat the hell out of other people's faces.....I must be inferior". I just think that I'm just not that guy and never will be. Don't want to be either.

 

I'm now with a woman who plays guitar to compliment my drums, who likes to spend evenings curled up on the sofa and generally likes to do the things that I do. Now these things are 'right' for me. If the situation were ever to change then it may be 'not right' but for now everything is going great and is therefore 'right'.

 

I appreciate that you almost certainly will disagree with that. You're down and have labelled yourselves as inferior and we aren't going to change that, but at least see that it really is just a matter of perspective. I'm a rock music loving computer geek who's tall, skinny, pale, with a rapidly receeding hairline at the age of 29 and a low paid dead end job. So when I compare myself to Brad Pitt...... I suck big time. However, amongst the people I have around me, who matter to me the most, they are musicians, computer geeks, video game players..... I'm normal and most importantly, equal.

 

I 100% agree. That is what I was trying to say above, but you put it much better. I think those who say "I wasn't good enough" are just playing the victim. Sometimes, unfortunately, people change. And yes, maybe sometimes dumpers will think "I can do better" but that makes them a shi**y person in my books.

 

Otherwise, as I said, that would make any dumpers superior to their exes and their exes' new partners, which is NOT TRUE.

[Zammo25]

I 100% agree. That is what I was trying to say above, but you put it much better. I think those who say "I wasn't good enough" are just playing the victim. Sometimes, unfortunately, people change. And yes, maybe sometimes dumpers will think "I can do better" but that makes them a shi**y person in my books.

 

Otherwise, as I said, that would make any dumpers superior to their exes and their exes' new partners, which is NOT TRUE.

 

The dumpers are superior in everyway and the new person is better than you in everyway. How can someone saying " no you are not good enough for me " be anything other than you are inadequate in everyway ? The dumper is better and they are stronger. When they move on in lightening quick time to a better guy that just reinforces how lacking you are in everyway so everyone on here is inadeqate by definition or we would not be here would we ?

[lemonlegs]

The dumpers are superior in everyway and the new person is better than you in everyway. How can someone saying " no you are not good enough for me " be anything other than you are inadequate in everyway ? The dumper is better and they are stronger. When they move on in lightening quick time to a better guy that just reinforces how lacking you are in everyway so everyone on here is inadeqate by definition or we would not be here would we ?

 

Have you ever considered the fact your EX is the flawed one here? If she flat out said or implied that you were not good enough and moved on to a new relationship, then she's obviously insecure and needs to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean the new guy is 'better' than you, it means he was there at the right time. If not that, then maybe they had more chemistry than you and her had?

 

If you want to keep telling yourself that your ex is with a person because he makes more money, is better looking, etc. then that just goes to show you what type of person SHE is: a complete B*TCH. No, not all people are like this. Some people break up with others FOR MANY REASONS barring the selfish and shallow ones I just listed above.

 

Get over it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

[Zammo25]

Have you ever considered the fact your EX is the flawed one here? If she flat out said or implied that you were not good enough and moved on to a new relationship, then she's obviously insecure and needs to be in a relationship. That doesn't mean the new guy is 'better' than you, it means he was there at the right time. If not that, then maybe they had more chemistry than you and her had?

 

If you want to keep telling yourself that your ex is with a person because he makes more money, is better looking, etc. then that just goes to show you what type of person SHE is: a complete B*TCH. No, not all people are like this. Some people break up with others FOR MANY REASONS barring the selfish and shallow ones I just listed above.

 

Get over it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I am not feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes you have to say " the better man won " he is taller, better looking, more emotional stable, financially stable, better job, more money and better prospects so I know when I am beaten. She is FAR better off with him and that is a fact and now I am here in pieces and have lost it all. But , I wish them well as he is a better Man than me in EVERY way.

[lemonlegs]

I am not feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes you have to say " the better man won " he is taller, better looking, more emotional stable, financially stable, better job, more money and better prospects so I know when I am beaten. She is FAR better off with him and that is a fact and now I am here in pieces and have lost it all. But , I wish them well as he is a better Man than me in EVERY way.

 

I find your outlook really depressing, and you're never going to feel any better if you keep thinking that way. For one, there's no reason to even compare this guy to yourself. You've probably never met him and it's easy to "admire" or think positively about someone when you have NEVER had any sort of contact with them before. You're obviously going off of info from mutual friends/facebook, but until you spend a week with this man the same way your ex does, you will never know what he is TRULY like (which will of course never happen, so it's up to you to realize this on your own).

[Zammo25]

I find your outlook really depressing, and you're never going to feel any better if you keep thinking that way. For one, there's no reason to even compare this guy to yourself. You've probably never met him and it's easy to "admire" or think positively about someone when you have NEVER had any sort of contact with them before. You're obviously going off of info from mutual friends/facebook, but until you spend a week with this man the same way your ex does, you will never know what he is TRULY like (which will of course never happen, so it's up to you to realize this on your own).

 

I know he is a far better Man than me. It is so obvious. That is what kills me. He is better in everyway possible and I thought I was a decent and kind bloke to her and her daughter that is what makes it so hard as if you gave your best and it is thrown back in your face and a new guy takes over, so much better where does that leave you ? You have to accept you are inferior in everyway and that is hard to take believe me.

[SidwalkImperfection]

I am not feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes you have to say " the better man won " he is taller, better looking, more emotional stable, financially stable, better job, more money and better prospects so I know when I am beaten. She is FAR better off with him and that is a fact and now I am here in pieces and have lost it all. But , I wish them well as he is a better Man than me in EVERY way.

 

I feel really sorry for you man.

 

I hope you come back to this post one day when you are strong again and learn a lot from it.

[Sugarkane]

Zammo I know for a fact you can be wrong. I know some family, co workers and friends who dumped someone good and went onto someone worse! Dumpers aren't always right. Sometimes it's more about them and not so much about us.

[Renard99]

Zammo, her saying you weren't good enough for her means she wanted some thing DIFFERENT..... not superior, just different. If different meant more money, better cars, someone who has a different look, then so be it. It was still only her wanting something different.

 

It works both ways but you just don't see it.

 

If I had a Ferrari and traded it in for a small and cheap Ford Fiesta does it make the Ferrari inferior? Not in the slightest. It just means that the Ferrari 'wasn't good enough for me' because I couldn't take friends because it doesn't have back seats

 

If I had a small and cheap Ford Fiesta and traded it in for a Ferrari does it make the Ford Fiesta inferior. Not in the slightest. It just means the Ford 'wasn't good enough for me' because it didn't reach 200mph.

 

In both of those scenarios I didn't think either car was inferior, I just wanted something DIFFERENT from that which I already had.

 

Like SideWalkImperfection says, I really feel sorry for you because you really can't see it and you really are kicking yourself whilst you're down.

[fallenheart]

"Not good enough for me" = inferior. It does not mean "different" or "just not what I need right now." It means exactly what it sounds like....NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

 

Stop lying to yourselves and each other. Zammo, as unfortunate as his case is....is RIGHT.

 

He wasn't good enough for her! She took one look at this other guy, went all weak in the knees....took a look at Zammo....sized them up and realized "hey, this new guys blows Zammo away, I'm dumping his ass and going off with the new guy!" And she lived happily ever after and never regretted it or struggled with her decision.

 

That's the way it IS. It's black and white. People don't dump people because things are "complicated" or "it just isn't working right now" or "the chemistry isn't there." People dump people cause THEY SIMPLY DON'T LIKE THEM. Stop trying to use softer language to change the facts of the situation!

 

It's true in Zammo's case...it's true in my case....and it's TRUE IN ALL OF YOUR CASES! You just can't face that harsh horrible truth that you just plain weren't good enough for the person you love, they found someone BETTER, and they left you. So you make excuses to try to heal the pain but it's just an excuse.

 

But guess what? It works both ways. There have been girls that were in love with me. For real...as down on myself as I get, some girls saw something in me and they LOVED me. And I didn't feel the same way. So yeah, I left them. They weren't good enough for me. Plain and simple.

 

And then there were girls I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I wasn't good enough for them. The pendulum swings both ways. On a few rare occasions I've been the dumper. And I never regretted it and never looked back cause I felt superior and didn't want them. Just like every girl that ever left me never gave me a second thought.

 

Just like the person that broke your heart is happily sleeping in the arms of someone else, and they forgot all about you years ago, and it wasn't a hard decision whatsoever, they DO NOT regret it, and they will NEVER come back, cause you were never good enough for them. THE END.

[lemonlegs]

"Not good enough for me" = inferior. It does not mean "different" or "just not what I need right now." It means exactly what it sounds like....NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

 

Stop lying to yourselves and each other. Zammo, as unfortunate as his case is....is RIGHT.

 

He wasn't good enough for her! She took one look at this other guy, went all weak in the knees....took a look at Zammo....sized them up and realized "hey, this new guys blows Zammo away, I'm dumping his ass and going off with the new guy!" And she lived happily ever after and never regretted it or struggled with her decision.

 

That's the way it IS. It's black and white. People don't dump people because things are "complicated" or "it just isn't working right now" or "the chemistry isn't there." People dump people cause THEY SIMPLY DON'T LIKE THEM. Stop trying to use softer language to change the facts of the situation!

 

It's true in Zammo's case...it's true in my case....and it's TRUE IN ALL OF YOUR CASES! You just can't face that harsh horrible truth that you just plain weren't good enough for the person you love, they found someone BETTER, and they left you. So you make excuses to try to heal the pain but it's just an excuse.

 

But guess what? It works both ways. There have been girls that were in love with me. For real...as down on myself as I get, some girls saw something in me and they LOVED me. And I didn't feel the same way. So yeah, I left them. They weren't good enough for me. Plain and simple.

 

And then there were girls I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I wasn't good enough for them. The pendulum swings both ways. On a few rare occasions I've been the dumper. And I never regretted it and never looked back cause I felt superior and didn't want them. Just like every girl that ever left me never gave me a second thought.

 

Just like the person that broke your heart is happily sleeping in the arms of someone else, and they forgot all about you years ago, and it wasn't a hard decision whatsoever, they DO NOT regret it, and they will NEVER come back, cause you were never good enough for them. THE END.

 

 

My goodness, you guys don't see the silver lining in anything do you?

 

How about to say they weren't "good enough" for YOU, and YOU only. I hate your logic because it pretty much means that you're labelling your ex and anyone they date as being better than you or less than you, or whatever.... and that just makes NO sense. As others have said, sometimes their exes have gone onto to date seemingly "better" people but then ended up with some real losers... that blows your logic right out of the water. So what, all of a sudden the ex who dumped you suddenly becomes "inferior." Just makes no sense. You guys are all just down on yourselves about being dumped. One day you'll look back and see how freakin' negative you were being about the situation.

[fallenheart]

The "losers" people see their exes with....they're not losers. They are the winners cause they are the ones that were chosen. Go ahead and lie to yourself and say "well that guy doesn't even have a job and he has two kids from an ex-wife that he doesn't support....he's a loser I'm so much better than that, why can't she see it!!"

 

You know who doesn't think he's a loser? Your ex-girlfriend that wants to be with, that thinks he's sexy and desirable, and makes her happy.

 

Lemonlegs...at some point your ex looked you in the eyes, held your hand, and said some sweet, encouraging things like "It's not you, it's me. We just didn't work out....we weren't on the same page. Really...you're wonderful...but it's just not meant to be...."

 

And as soon as that same ex gets together with friends, the words are much different. "Man, I'm SOOO happy that's over and I never have to see lemonlegs ever again!! What a train wreck that relationship was! I'm so glad I hooked up with So-And-So and finally found out what real happiness is!!"

 

Harsh reality, but that's the way it is.

 

As for "good enough for YOU" as opposed to "good enough" in a general sense....well, what's the difference? I don't care if I'm "good enough" for some one-legged 47 year old shut-in that works at a cat food factory. I wasn't good enough for the women I loved, so that's all that matters. I value THEIR opinions of me higher than someone that I am not attracted to.

[Zammo25]

"Not good enough for me" = inferior. It does not mean "different" or "just not what I need right now." It means exactly what it sounds like....NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

 

Stop lying to yourselves and each other. Zammo, as unfortunate as his case is....is RIGHT.

 

He wasn't good enough for her! She took one look at this other guy, went all weak in the knees....took a look at Zammo....sized them up and realized "hey, this new guys blows Zammo away, I'm dumping his ass and going off with the new guy!" And she lived happily ever after and never regretted it or struggled with her decision.

 

That's the way it IS. It's black and white. People don't dump people because things are "complicated" or "it just isn't working right now" or "the chemistry isn't there." People dump people cause THEY SIMPLY DON'T LIKE THEM. Stop trying to use softer language to change the facts of the situation!

 

It's true in Zammo's case...it's true in my case....and it's TRUE IN ALL OF YOUR CASES! You just can't face that harsh horrible truth that you just plain weren't good enough for the person you love, they found someone BETTER, and they left you. So you make excuses to try to heal the pain but it's just an excuse.

 

But guess what? It works both ways. There have been girls that were in love with me. For real...as down on myself as I get, some girls saw something in me and they LOVED me. And I didn't feel the same way. So yeah, I left them. They weren't good enough for me. Plain and simple.

 

And then there were girls I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I wasn't good enough for them. The pendulum swings both ways. On a few rare occasions I've been the dumper. And I never regretted it and never looked back cause I felt superior and didn't want them. Just like every girl that ever left me never gave me a second thought.

 

Just like the person that broke your heart is happily sleeping in the arms of someone else, and they forgot all about you years ago, and it wasn't a hard decision whatsoever, they DO NOT regret it, and they will NEVER come back, cause you were never good enough for them. THE END.

 

This is the truth. This guy blows me out of the water in every department so any " love " she had for me went pretty quickly and she hooked up with him straight away. I fought, HARD, but she did not give a toss about me anymore, all the good things I did, the love I gave to her, she did not give a rat's ar*e anymore and is loved up and living the Dream with Mr Wonderful now. I doubt she would even register if I was dead as I am nothing anymore.

[soccerrprp]

Very nice OP, but the truth of the matter is that the grass IS greener for some elsewhere. That is a fundamental and undeniable truth.

 

But, if you're saying that in your experience that seems not the case, well then, there you go.

 

Relationships can be difficult and painful. But what we learn from each experience will hopefully help us to make better decisions so that our next relationship is better.

 

Just yesterday ended one. It was for the better and hearing the responses that I've received from the break-up, I know that I dodged a bullet. The grass was definitely not so green it turns out. More like artificially painted green, with browning underneath....

Edited January 21, 2013 by soccerrprp

[NoMoreJerks]

I think the bottom line of this thread is, really, that people will often (though not always) regret that they dumped their exes. I sure hope that is the case for my ex, and that he lives to regret this for the rest of his life. I know he will, because I know what a good catch I am, and I know who he hangs out with/ befriends for the most part: whores. There just is no comparing anyway. Sure, some people enjoy that sort of thing for the rest of their lives, but I know that my ex has an undying fear of not being liked anymore, because he is getting old (he's 40) and he no longer has the looks that younger men have, so he can no longer compete with those men for the attention of young bimbos. He used to stand in front of the mirror longer than I used to, and groom himself, then tell me he looked old and unattractive, etc. I mean, wtf, I would've guessed he would be worried about ME losing my attraction to him, but I kept telling him he was handsome and sexy in my eyes... but that was never satisfactory enough for him... Oh well, his loss. I know I'm a great catch, and he even admitted it at times -- saying that he has yet to meet a woman with such intelligence and good upbringing, etc. And he was never one to compliment anyone, especially not me. The alternative for my ex is to live in Thailand for the rest of his miserable life, because there, you can pretend that 18 year olds are attracted to your 90-year-old self -- if the price is right. Talk about deluding oneself. But deep down, I know he will know that he is deluding himself, and that he lost out on a great partner who would've stayed by his side through thick and thin.

Edited January 21, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[fallenheart]

NoMoreJerks....

 

Sounds to me like the one deluding yourself is you.

 

You can tell yourself that you're a great catch, and you will be to someone, but not to him. He left you. He wanted something that was better in his eyes, and apparently the "whores" are what makes him happy.

 

If he regretted breaking up with you, he'd be on his hands and knees crawling back to you. He's not. You want to believe that deep down, he's sitting somewhere crying into his beer about you as "the one that got away" but the harsh reality is, if he ever thinks of you at all, it's most likely the opposite as in, "I dodged a bullet and I'm happier now!"

 

Sorry to single you out, but you're the perfect example of lying to yourself after getting dumped. Does it help to whitewash everything and rewrite history? Deny the reality that he left you and is happier and better off without you, just like my exes are better off without me, and every single one of us that posts on this message board about our sad little broken lives??

 

We are the thrown-away trash here people....accept it.

[NoMoreJerks]

Sounds to me like the one deluding yourself is you.

Nope, I am not deluding myself.

 

You can tell yourself that you're a great catch, and you will be to someone, but not to him. He left you. He wanted something that was better in his eyes, and apparently the "whores" are what makes him happy.

Sure, I am not a great catch for him now, but he will realize, at some point down the line, that I am. A lot of people do. It's called regret, and yes, some people have it -- not everyone, probably not most people, but some do. I know my ex, and I know he is an idiot who thinks the grass is greener, values his freedom too much, etc., but really, at the end of the day, he will come to realize that he missed opportunity after opportunity in his life, because of who he was, and what his priorities were, and the fact that he did not think ahead. These are usually "live for the moment" type people. Am I waiting around for him to feel that way? No. So I am not deluding myself at all. I am moving on, and looking for someone else to love me and appreciate me. If he won't regret it, who cares -- I was objectively better for him than the whores can reasonably be (if only because they are just after his money, and are infested with stds and sleep with thousands of people in one year - literally). Would I even take him back if he regretted his decision even a week from now? Nope. Never. He had his chance. He had plenty of chances. I don't want to be the second best or the third best option that he fell back on, once he realized the others were not as good as he had tought they were.. that is why a lot of people keep in touch with their ex'es anyway, to make sure there is someone they thought was "good" but not "good enough" at the time.., to fall back on in case their other options all disappeared into thin air.

[NoMoreJerks]

If he regretted breaking up with you, he'd be on his hands and knees crawling back to you. He's not. You want to believe that deep down, he's sitting somewhere crying into his beer about you as "the one that got away" but the harsh reality is, if he ever thinks of you at all, it's most likely the opposite as in, "I dodged a bullet and I'm happier now!"

lol, no, he's not sitting somewhere crying into his beer -- not yet anyway. At some point he will. Knowing how he was, and how messed up he is, yeah, he WILL get to that point. The only question is: how soon? Probably not any time soon. But he did contact me 3 weeks after the break-up, and clearly, wanted to stay in touch. Why? Who the f*ck knows. Maybe for sex in the future, or maybe, just maybe, to make sure he still had me, in case his other options did not play out, or in case he regretted his decision. I don't want him to come back crawling , begging. lol. It would make me pity him so much, and it would suck to turn down a man in such a pitiful state, for fear that he might go and off himself. haha. I don't care. I don't want to be a fallback girl. But I know for a fact that he's going to regret it, because I know for a fact that he will not change his patterns, and therefore, will not put himself in situations where he can conceivably meet someone nice that he can spend the rest of his life with.

[NoMoreJerks]

Deny the reality that he left you and is happier and better off without you, just like my exes are better off without me, and every single one of us that posts on this message board about our sad little broken lives??

Well, all the more power to him, if he is happier and better off without me. That is all I can say. I really truly hope so. I am happier without him, since he was very abusive in the first place. And it's often people who were abusive, etc., that regret what they did, and want to come back so desperately. But if he doesn't want to come back, then all the more power to him. It doesn't make a difference for me either way, since I do not want him back. If I had, I would've responded to his text, instead of risking "losing" him forever by ignoring him. He can go, disappear forever. I wish him all the best, and hope that he will find happiness. But I know for a fact that he won't -- not until he owns his baggage and grows up and realizes that there is more to life than just having fun with girls, without any responsibilities. But if, at the end of the day, that's what rocks his boat and he's not bothered by the fact that he's gonna die a lonely man (or of a STD), oh well! His life, not mine! I am better off without him, if only for the fact that by being with him, I'd be putting myself at serious risk of getting STDs. I mean, who would go to Thailand and have sex with prostitutes who have slept with thousands of men in the past year, with little or no protection?

[fallenheart]

Yeah, he sounds like a lousy guy with a lot of issues.

 

But you loved him. And if he hadn't been the one to leave you, you would still be with him.

 

So even though you have a positive attitude and are moving on, it still doesn't change the fact that HE was the one with all the power. He made all the decisions. He always had the upper hand.

 

I'm glad you are getting over it. Good for you for seeing him for what he is and moving on.

 

But it doesn't change the fact that he LIKES whores in Thailand more than he likes being with you, and he won't regret it cause he's doing what makes him happy. He had to choose between a life with you and a life with the whores, and he chose the whores.

 

People that leave aren't conflicted. It's cut and dry. They choose to leave us cause the other option is better. Period.

[NoMoreJerks]

If you are trying to convince me that I am "worse" than the whores he hangs out with, tough luck, but I have a good self-esteem, and that sh*t is pretty disgusting. I should never have even hung out with this guy in the first place, considering that he goes there 4 times EVERY year (I'd understand if it was a once-in-a-lifetime thnig). You are a defeatist and you will never heal with this attitude that "the better man/woman" won the ex. I do not view this as a competition anyway. But you and a few people on this thread clearly do. And sure, there might be women out there who make more money than I do, who might have better looks than I do, who are taller than me, have a nicer figure than I do, but it doesn't mean that they will, by default, win over every man out there , and that every man out there will fall head over heels in love with them and can potentially live happily ever after with them.... It doesn't work that way. For some people, that woman might be a real catch, for others, I might be. So to say that "the better man won", is to delude oneself and feel sorry for oneself. It seems that you have never gotten out of the victim mentality/role-playing since your break-up. Ironically, nor has my ex. Own your baggage, recognize that this happened for one reason or another (not necessarily that the person your ex left you for is "objectively" better and "won" the "match"), learn the CORRECT lessons from the experience, and move on! To better things.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yeah, he sounds like a lousy guy with a lot of issues.

 

But you loved him. And if he hadn't been the one to leave you, you would still be with him.

Actually, not really -- I dumped him before; he came back running to me a week later. I may have loved him, but I do have my boundaries and self-respect, and WILL NOT hesitate to dump someone who crosses those boundaries.

 

So even though you have a positive attitude and are moving on, it still doesn't change the fact that HE was the one with all the power. He made all the decisions. He always had the upper hand.

No, he was never the one with all the power. He still isn't. In fact, I hold almost all the power now. And anyway, for me, this is not a competition and an evaluation as to who has more or less power in a relationship or post-break-up, as you seem to think everything is. Who cares. He made his move to break-up unilaterally, sure , and I did not even fight it. I told him to have a good life, and stopped contacting him. I can contact him now, if I choose to. But I don't want to. I am moving on to better things in my life, focusing on my career, etc. 20 years down the line? He will probably be pimping out women in Thailand (he wanted to buy a bar , and bars are where you hire prostitutes in Thailand), and I will be a Professor at a university, or a consultant, or an executive/administrator in government or a big company. Guess who won? I did. I won for myself, not for anyone else. And if I'm still not good enough for him? Who cares. But the point is: there ARE people out there who WILL regret it. Those are the people who, after a certain experience, will change, and start looking inwards and working on their problems. And when they do, their outlook on their past relationships will change. When, in the past, they never admitted to any wrongdoing , they will see that they were at fault, that tey mistreated their ex, etc. And they MIGHT , in some cases, though not all, deeply regret it and want to give it another try. I have read this happen so many times.

 

But it doesn't change the fact that he LIKES whores in Thailand more than he likes being with you, and he won't regret it cause he's doing what makes him happy. He had to choose between a life with you and a life with the whores, and he chose the whores.

And that says what about me? I should wallow in self-pity, because somehow that makes the whores better than me? lol. Dream on. He chose the whores now, but he might, and probably will, realize, that he made the wrong choice. People change, and they do regret their decisions. I certainly have regretted quite a few of my decisions (not in relationships, but in turning down an offer for a date, or other non-romantic situations).

 

People that leave aren't conflicted. It's cut and dry. They choose to leave us cause the other option is better. Period.

A lot of people are conflicted, but they have to make a decision - they'd rather make a decision than stay in limbo. The decision is not often as clear-cut. Stress at that particular juncture in their lives could have contributed to their decision to end the relationship, because they couldn't cope with the hassle/stress at the time. It doesn't mean that they will never regret their decision.