had one night stand before marriage

[loyal husband]

We've been married for 6 years and dating for 10. After 2 years of dating I got my wife pregnant and she had an abortion in 96. I was filled with much shame and guilt. I believed I had committed a great crime for getting her pregnant and it was the abortion that really made me feel sick. The visit was devastating. My dad also died that week.

Out of despair I had a one night stand with a girl I knew from high school. I was thinking I needed a blemish on my character to perhaps generate pain equivalent to what my wife went through the abortion. I thought this is my punishment to hold this guilt forever. It was even difficult for me to get an erection.

Well its working I do feel guilt. My wife has had suspicions for a long time. One night in a drunken stupor (couple of years ago) I confessed to my brother-in -law. He told me she was listening and she knows but I never admitted it. She hasn't brought it up in a long while (over a year) but should I confess to validate her past suspicions? We have a great marriage and a 3 yr old boy. I love her very much. I feel totally loyal and committed to our marriage and never have had an extramarital affair. This happened about 2 yrs before we got married. Should I bring back old pain to set the record straight?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, that is a real tough one.

 

Be ready for the fallout if you choose to tell her. If you decide to keep mum on this, then maybe talking to a therapist might help sort of those feelings of guilt, and learn to let it go and move on emotionally. Because if this is affecting your intimacy with your wife then there's a huge problem and she will pick up on it too.

 

All the best.

WWIU

[angel_goddess20]

Ouch. It might be a good idea telling her now, It's always a good idea to be honest with your spouse. If she hasn't brought it up her suspicions in over a year, that doesen't mean she has forgotten about it. Maybe you should have told her about the affair before you got married. It's always a good idea to come clean before marriage, if there is any cheating involved. But that wasn't the case for you.

 

You are happily married, are you sure about this? Do you have suspicions of her cheating?

 

If she finds out now, maybe she'll become so enraged that she'll want a separation. I know if my husband cheated on me at all before the marriage, I'd walk away. I'd ask, "why didn't you tell me this a long time ago?" Cheating on someone out of despair. Sounds odd to me. She got an abortion, you felt bad, so then you went and cheated on her? How was that suppose to make things better? It made things worse for the both of you. She doesen't know about the cheating, and if you tell her, make sure you will be ready for a lot of drama and crying.

You made a big mistake, but at least you feel bad about it. Some men don't have a conscious. It only happened once, but now she'll be paranoid big time. She might even think there were others.

 

It was difficult for you to get an erection because you were a sleezball and you cheated on your girlfriend for absolutely no good reason. Your wife was going through a lot of emotions when she got an abortion. You should have been there for her, not screwing some girl you knew in high school. My main point is, you should feel bad. Tell her your crime and hope she'll forgive you.

 

When you feel comfortable telling her about this affair, make sure your 3 year old child is sleeping or at someone else's house. No child wants to witness their parents fighting and/or crying.

 

Also, was it your idea to get the abortion?

And how early in the relationship did you cheat on her? Let me know. I hope I can help. Maybe I can give you some tips on breaking it to her. Good luck.

[loyal husband]

Well we started being an item in fall of 94 I cheated in winter of 96 we married in aug of 98 and I confesssed tonight.

I tried to respond earlier but got disconnected.

Little background

After 1 yr of marriage she messed around with a buddy of mine from highschool. And during the 2nd yr she threw me out for a month specifically to hang out with a guy she liked at work and she told me and sex was an open option. I took these because I thought I deserved them.

Well she said tonight that all bets are off and she's going to go at it again.

I thought letting her go the other times would be enough.

She said we had a verbal agreement to be exclusive and if she had known this earlier she would have had sex with my old buddy from highschool. Or then her co-worker.

I have done nothing else but **** it I'll take it.

I'm not too jealous and have had her tell me over and over again she could find someone else.

Just a few weeks ago she was asking me if I could take a threesome with her.

I take it all, she is very independant and that's why I chose to be with her.

And for the abortion I was a totally worthless human being who could offer no advice. I was so scared of the world I was pathetic. I sat in the recovery room with her dad.

Recently she shared somethings very hard to share and I fully saw the stupidity of my plan. Keeping a one nightstand a secret for life was not a good idea. I knew her honesty deserved my full honesty.

I felt so guilty about her getting the abortion I wanted to take a poison for myself. I figured at the time holding a secret to my grave would be fair.

I know it to be stupid now.

 

 

Tonight i destroyed a sexual renaissance in favor of the truth.

[pitprincess]

I think you did the right thing in telling her about it.

I as well feel like the guilt is eating your insides or you wouldn't have posted about it looking for advice.

 

I have a friend that had an affair along time back, she owned up to having the affair and they seperated because the husband felt as he was kept in a lie.

They did get back together because it was such a long time ago once the mad spell was gone they were able to talk about it and (remind eachother that they love one another)

Some times the hurt has to mend inorder for the feelings for one another to shine through again.

I hope that you and her will be ok after the mad spell is over.

Good Luck in you and Bless you for having the faith and respect for you both to let this silence be known to one another.

 

I will say a prayer for you both.

God Bless

[sami]

Try to forget and forgive. That is the only way out. You cannot live in agony and pain for the rest of your life. Take good care of yourself.

[evagreten1]

One thing I have learnt time and time again is that the truth will always come out and wives always find out. Even if it takes ten days or ten years, the truth always comes out. that's something to bear in mind.