I could use some advice folks.

[Rogue]

I've been debating with myself lately whether or not to tell a friend of mine that I'm in love with her.She is actually the reason I came to LoveShack months ago.

 

She has a boyfriend,a fine person as far as I know, and I think things are going well between them. Months ago,when I first realized how I felt,I thought I might tell her,but decided not to.It seemed the right thing to just let her relationship run its course and not interfere.

 

Anyways,the months have passed.I'm getting sick of putting a smile on my face and eating my heart out everytime I see them together.( We're in the same social circle,so it's unavoidable.) I'm happy for her,at the same time this whole thing has worn me down .I've started to get a little depressed and bitter,and it's harder and harder to stay positive about it. My feelings for her have been eating me up inside,slowly and quietly.

 

I'm tempted to simply tell her how I feel,but I don't want to cause problems or jeopardize the friendship.(Even though friendship is painful for me.) But I don't want to simply walk away,never telling her how wonderful I thought she was. I think she's noticed the strain on me,but thinks I'm stressed out or angry at her.

 

I don't want to be selfish and tell her.I also don't want to be a coward and keep quiet. I can simply remove myself from her presence,but I'd have to lose a few friends too,since we all know hang out together.

 

She doesn't know how I feel,so how can she know if I don't tell her? But at the same time,those feelings seem more appropriate for someone you've been dating a while,not a mere friend. It just doesn't seem right to say "I'm in love with you" to someone who is in a relationship with someone else.

 

I guess this is a common problem,but right now I'm stuck.I think my feelings have clouded my thinking and I really don't trust my own judgement. I could use some advice on how to handle this.Don't let me down guys!

 

I really hate this Love $###**.I really do. I hate needing anyone.There should be a patch to help you deal with romantic love,like they do for nicotine. It would save us all a lot of time,energy and we won't have to listen to as many Country & Western songs.

[billy the kid]

Rogue,

 

I don't think you are really in love with this girl. It sounds like you just want something you can't have, at the moment and you seem to be obsessing on that..

 

Just because you tell her how you feel it really won't change things, except as you stated you might loose some friends.

 

What happens if you don't tell her? What do you know about self control? Do you have any? If so change the activities in your life and try your best not to think about her.. Work on making your life more pleasant with out keeping her in the picture, she is not the one making your life unplesant right now, you are...

 

I understand how you feel about c&w music, when I hear it I look for sharp objects to stick in my ears... Rogue you can make your life happy with out telling this girl how you feel, but only you can do it.... good luck

I've been debating with myself lately whether or not to tell a friend of mine that I'm in love with her.She is actually the reason I came to LoveShack months ago. She has a boyfriend,a fine person as far as I know, and I think things are going well between them. Months ago,when I first realized how I felt,I thought I might tell her,but decided not to.It seemed the right thing to just let her relationship run its course and not interfere. Anyways,the months have passed.I'm getting sick of putting a smile on my face and eating my heart out everytime I see them together.( We're in the same social circle,so it's unavoidable.) I'm happy for her,at the same time this whole thing has worn me down .I've started to get a little depressed and bitter,and it's harder and harder to stay positive about it. My feelings for her have been eating me up inside,slowly and quietly. I'm tempted to simply tell her how I feel,but I don't want to cause problems or jeopardize the friendship.(Even though friendship is painful for me.) But I don't want to simply walk away,never telling her how wonderful I thought she was. I think she's noticed the strain on me,but thinks I'm stressed out or angry at her. I don't want to be selfish and tell her.I also don't want to be a coward and keep quiet. I can simply remove myself from her presence,but I'd have to lose a few friends too,since we all know hang out together. She doesn't know how I feel,so how can she know if I don't tell her? But at the same time,those feelings seem more appropriate for someone you've been dating a while,not a mere friend. It just doesn't seem right to say "I'm in love with you" to someone who is in a relationship with someone else. I guess this is a common problem,but right now I'm stuck.I think my feelings have clouded my thinking and I really don't trust my own judgement. I could use some advice on how to handle this.Don't let me down guys! I really hate this Love $###**.I really do. I hate needing anyone.There should be a patch to help you deal with romantic love,like they do for nicotine. It would save us all a lot of time,energy and we won't have to listen to as many Country & Western songs.

[Tony T]

Telling her how you feel will be out of context, awkward, inappropriate and will serve no useful purpose except to piss her off and upset her.

 

If you have any respect for her and the integrity of the relationship she is now in, you wouldn't even consider telling her about your feelings. By doing so, not only do you show disrespect for her feelings but you will make a total and complete fool of yourself, you will lose her friendship, and one of you will be forced out of the circle of friends you refer to.

 

It is not unusual to fall in love with a friend. But there are many kinds of love. If you are in romantic love with her, this is something you have created in your head because you have not had that kind of relationship with her. You may long to have a romantic relationship with her but you need to contol yourself here. She is in a relationship and that is the reality.

 

If being around her makes you feel depressed or uncomfortable, you need to find other friends to hang out with or other things to do. By professing your romantic love and desire for her under the current circumstances, she will cease seeing you as a friend and you will become more of an annoyance, an irritant, etc. You will throw her into emotional turmoil because she really won't be sure how to handle the situation. In the absense of clarity on how she should respond, she will most likely become somewhat angry and avoid you like the plague. She may even see it as a betrayal of the friendship. Friends don't try to screw with other friend's relationships. If you are a true friend, you won't do this to her.

 

Even if she breaks up with this guy, chances are excellent that she sees you only as a friend and a brother and will consider it incest to be more than that to you. However, if you must tell her how you feel, the most appropriate time...if there is one...would be a month or so after she breaks up with her current guy, if she every does. Don't give her this information while she may be hurting because she doesn't need more head stuff added to her plate at that time.

 

There are circumstances when it is appropriate to tell a friend of the opposite sex how you feel, but this isn't one of them. Normally, if both are free, it is best for the one who is interested to just express an interest in upgrading the friendship to a dating situation and leave the expressions of love for much later.

 

You really need to get a handle on your emotions. Love is a decision we make...and you need to learn to make better decisions and to use better timing.

 

I know you will find someone who is single and available who you can invest your attentions with if you work at it.

[Laura]

To tell you the truth, she already knows. You don't think she does, but trust me...she does. All women have that gut instinct. I've been friends with many guys (just friends) and I always know when one of them is frustrated, because they have a crush on me and they don't know if I feel the same way. I'm in the same situation as you are, except I'm the girl. I have a boyfriend who lives far away. We've been long distance for a while now. I also have befriended a guy here, who has met my boyfriend and thinks he's a great guy. This friend of mine has never told me he loves me, but we hang out so much I can just tell. Lately, he's been getting frustrated with me easily and a bit snippy. I had no feelings for my friend, because I love my boyfriend, and I know that's why he's acting the way he does. My boyfriend felt it was obvious too, as did all my friends.

 

Well, this past week, my boyfriend has basically ended things with me. My friend was so angry, he wanted to hunt him down and smack him around for hurting me. I thought that was the sweetest thing (not the fact that he wanted to smack around my boyfriend, but that he cared and was so concerned for my well being and hated the fact that anyone would ever hurt me). It has shown me that he has grown to really care about me, without any pressure. He was generally caring and supportive, but in no way tried to jump in on my new found singlehood (if that's a word). He's just been there and extremely supportive. That is the best thing that he could possibly do. He actually has helped me to not become depressed. I love the fact that he has never told me his feeling, especially when he knows I loved my boyfriend with all my heart and didn't feel that way about him. Couples fight, and even though I may have gotten upset with my boyfriend, My friend never jumped in and tried to take advantage and never tried to convince me to break up with boyfriend. Now that my boyfriend and I are over, I'm hoping that my friend will give me time to heal and just be there. Love can grow from that. A woman doesn't want a guy who jumps through hoops for her and give her the world. A woman wants a man who is honest, supportive, and one who loves her for everything she is, without any stipulations. If you continue to be her friend, a friendship usually lasts longer than most relationships. My suggestion for you would be to back off, hang out with them a lot less, and leave them alone, for your own sanity. Plus, it will also give her a chance to start to miss you when you aren't around. TRUST me when I tell you DO NOT, tell her how you feel. You'll only get hurt. If she felt the same way you did, you'd know it - believe me. Be patient, be there for her if she calls you. Let her grow to love you, if that's what's going to happen and it can happen. Because I'm writing about this to you, I hope it also shows you that I've come to notice how wonderful my friend really is, otherwise I would not have mentioned him. I look at him differently now, though I'm not in love with him. There is now a new depth to our friendship, and friendship is a basis of a meaniful and lasting relationship. Just make sure if a relationship does start, you don't lose sight of the friendship.

 

Good luck and don't tell her.

[Rogue]

You guys are probably right.Some distance would be the best thing right now. I must have been playing mind games with myself for thinking of telling her. In any case,I won't. I'll just look for a reasonable excuse not to be around them as much and move on as best I can.I think I'll be just fine.

[neo]

tony - when you say love is a decision we make, do you mean that we have to allow ourselves to fall in love. or is it that we can love any person once we have decided to love them?? i don't quite get it!

[Tony T]

Love is something we decide to do. There are many kinds of love and, yes, we can love any person we decide to.

 

When we admire qualities in a person of the same sex, assuming we are heterosexual, we can love that person as a friend. But we decide whether we want to or not based on the context of the relationship and the enjoyment we get out of it.

 

There is no such thing as "falling" in love. We decide whether we want to do that. It is not a random thing done without discretion. Depending on the place we're in, we can fall in love with a much lesser attractive person because they are very nice, sweet and care for us and not fall in love with a gorgeous, knock-out.

 

To answer to your question, we do not have to allow ourselves to do anything. Nothing at all. But yes, we can love any person we make the decision to love. It would have been very cruel if nature would have left that kind of decision to some force outside of ourselves.

 

Any other feelings made outside the conscious decision to love are chemical based and are lust. We can think we love someone because we are needy...or maybe they just have something that we want. We can actually make ourselves feel like we love someone. We also make the decision to dislike people.

 

A decision to love someone of the opposite sex should be made very carefully using the proper data.

 

The reason half the marriages in the U.S. fail, and many of the others are unhappy or unfulfilling to one extent or the other, is that the people thought they were in love because those feelings were chemically induced rather than the result of a sane, rational decision that the person was right for them after all data was received. Chemicals have a shelf life and their active ingredients diminish with time.

 

For that matter, I think every feeling we have is a decision. I would hate to think we just roam around through life uncontrollably like robots. I personally make a decision to be angry at someone or to think nothing of it. I make the decision to by anxious or to be relaxed. Now, I suppose if a tiger is charging at me, I should make the decision to be concerned very quickly.

 

When we start feeling our decisions are out of our control, we should enter a twelve step program and work to manage ourselves more carefully.

[Deejette]

That's good, Rogue, because telling her would not change anything. All it would say to her is that you have this obsession going on in your mind and it's all about you. You can't expect her to leave her boyfriend for you, especially since she has not indicated any unhappiness in her relationship with him.

 

Sometimes we have to be noble and not act on our desires. When someone is already spoken for, we do not cross the boundaries of intimacy with them. Talking of our romantic thoughts about them is crossing the boundary.

You guys are probably right.Some distance would be the best thing right now. I must have been playing mind games with myself for thinking of telling her. In any case,I won't. I'll just look for a reasonable excuse not to be around them as much and move on as best I can.I think I'll be just fine.