I've found a ring and a matchbox from a restaurant...

[veronese]

I was clearing out the wash basked and found what looks like either an engagement or eternity ring at the bottom of it. It could have been there for some time, up to a year.

 

I left it in the kitchen with a note saying

 

"Do you know who this ring belongs to because it's not mine"

 

which he read before he left for work.

 

His reply

 

"No I don't, maybe it's from ***** (our daughter's) collection.

 

It isn't.

 

I haven't mentioned it since but as I only do our washing it can only have come from our pockets - his pocket?

 

Also, I borrowed his car to go to work in last night and found a matchbox from a restaurant in his work area. It wasn't there a few weeks ago. I haven't mentioned it yet.

 

There was also a coffee cup like one to go on the floor, he doesn't drink coffee.

 

I haven't asked about these items yet, thought I'd get your opinions first.

 

Thanks

 

PS. Samson, what do you think?

[EC]

Why haven't you brought it up with him? Maybe theres a really simple explanation and your wrrying for nothing.

 

Ask him about the matches and coffee cup.

 

If he answers shady then worry.

[veronese]

soon after he came home. He was quite stroppy about the matchbox, saying that I must have left it in the car because I have been to that restaurant in our home town. It wasn't anything todo with him he said

 

But the last time I went there was 18 months ago

 

I didn't notice the matchbox last time I searched his car

 

There are two restaurants listed on the box, one for our home town, one for where he works, coincidence?

 

He said he'd never been there, that it must be mine. He also said why if he'd been there why wouldn't he have told me?! I had to point out the many reasons why he wouldn't, all the reasons he didn't tell me about the occasions he met his friends before.

 

He really was cross and fairly argumentative even though I had asked him calmly and responded calmly.

 

The ring? It wasn't his he said. But as I know it's not mine or the kids it only leaves him. He did remind me that I have washed various visiting kids clothes while they've stayed here so there is a slight possibility it came from them, but I can only recall washing boys' clothes.

 

I asked him why the attitude when it seemed a perfectly reasonable question. After all, they have both materialised apparently out of thin air. He said I'd asked him as soon as he'd come in which he didn't appreciate. Well I didn't appreciate his response. It was funny how he was so certain the matchbox was mine, it was like he was accusing me!

 

Any more thoughts guys??

 

PS He doesn't even smoke

[She's Come Undone]

Hell Yeah, he's guilty as s*** as he's blaming you...number one sign of a man who's doing something he shouldn't, shift the blame, AND get defensive!

 

I'd be worried, and angry that he's trying to make you look crazy...been there, done that!!

[EC]

Its true when confronted if a man is cheating or doing something wrong he will first get defensive and then he will try to shift the blame.

 

What about the coffee what did he say about that?

 

I mean c'mon he doesn't even smoke then why the matches? A souvenir?

 

I say get some hard evidence he can't come up with an excuse for and let him go.

[Mr Spock]

I'm not too sure about it veronese.

 

This is obviously driving you insane. Hire a PI, and get proof either way. For your own sanity.

[MadamSwirl]

Veronese, MadamSwirl says to have a serious talk with your mate immediately. Open up all massive lines of communication. Something doesn't add up and you deserve an explanation. Best of luck.

[Mr Spock]

You are all posting without knowing her history-

 

Veronese, you're paranoid, understandably so. Either way, your suspicion may eventually damage your marriage to the point where it falls apart.

 

Hire a PI, and you'll know for sure.

[veronese]

because I've got something planned to start on Monday. I'm going to install a tracker in his car which although won't give his precise location, will be able to locate him within 1.5km - that will be good enough for me to begin with. If he's out of his area I'll get a good picture over a few weeks about his movements. If anything suspicious comes to light I'll use a PI then, it's cheaper this way!

 

I was alarmed to see the responses (i.e. guilty) because I so don't want him to be playing games anymore. He may have been pissed off with me for springing it on him after a 12 hour day (his work is physical- he worked late today. Hum?)

 

I know what you meant about the insanity Spock, but since my last meltdown a few weeks back my emotions have significantly stabilised. I've stopped checking up on him because I had to move forward, I was cracking up. I've also become a bit numb I suppose, four months of mental torture was horrendous. Part of my love for him has died, a form of self-preservation I suppose. I haven't even got particularly wound up by the matchbox and ring, it's not worth it.

 

Eternallyconfused - I asked about the coffee cup and he said it was from a vending machine in the office and contained hot chocolate. Unfortunately he's disposed of the evidence since yesterday but it could have been hot chocolate - that said, I've never known him to drink hot chocolate before - must mention that to him later!

[honey2005]

He got rid of the cup right after you mentioned it? hmm..

[veronese]

No, I noticed it last night when I borrowed his car on the floor with lots of other trash - he'd tied up the mess during his day. I hadn't removed the cup or the matches from the car coz I wasn't sure how I was going to play it.

[deesgirl]

Could you tell me about the tracker? Cost, how it works, where it is on the vehicle, etc. H is the one that has acted shady, but he has threatened to put one of those on my car.

[veronese]

..and this is something else -

 

when I was going through my crazy checking phase, I unearthed old cell phone bills of his (until he started to destroy them) which went up to Feb 2002. During the last few statements I noticed a number that was being called in much the same pattern as the way he called the girlfriends I know about. Unfortunately the records ended then.

 

I phoned the number and the answerphone message gave the girl's name, so I asked him who it was. He didn't know, didn't remember the number, and basically fobbed me off. It bugged me because there was no answer -

 

When I borrowed the car last night I flicked through his papers and stumbled upon the same number on the back of a sheet of paper which was within some boring, reference papers, papers he probably never reads. Why conceal the number? Because it belongs to someone else he's been involved with!

 

I'm going to ask him now - he's still grumpy from my earlier enquiries. I don't see why I shouldn't ask these questions because if they're valid questions IMHO.

 

When I was trying to find the location of that number I couldn't identify it but did find out that it hasn't been reallocated since the time he was ringing it. However, it could be at the same address but have different occupants.

 

I'm going to ask him....

[veronese]

Originally posted by deesgirl

Could you tell me about the tracker? Cost, how it works, where it is on the vehicle, etc. H is the one that has acted shady, but he has threatened to put one of those on my car.

 

 

I'm in the UK so I don't know if you can do it in the States. But it's from a site called mapamobile.com

 

You need a cellphone (not his) and plant it in the car somewhere. It only costs £30 (sterling) then 30p each time you check.

[deesgirl]

Thank you:)

 

Sweety, I do think you're going to have to hire a PI. He knows you're on guard so he will be too. Have you continued trying to call the number? Maybe sneak and try to call it from his cell phone? Maybe she doesn't answer because he's warned that you may call. Let us know how the tracker works out.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[whichwayisup]

The more you put down the more my red flags are going up! Something isn't right here! He is lying to you about something. Now it may not be as bad as you think, who knows, maybe it is...But either way you have to know because not knowing now is the worst for you and now he's aware of it too.

 

Good luck!!

WWIU

[veronese]

I showed him the number, pointed out that it was obviously being concealed, reminded him of the old records but.......

 

he doesnt remember the number and doesn't know anyone by the name on the answer phone. I said it may not be the girl who lives there now, but he definitely phoned someone on that number

 

He said he doesn't know whose number it is and that there are no other women in his past that I don't already know about.

 

Not very satisfactory is it?!

 

I tried the number but there's no answer phone on, but I'll keep trying until I make contact with someone there.

 

It's from a few years ago so it may be hard to prove, but if there have been more than the 3 I know about I have a right to know.

 

Nice to hear from you Deesgirl - how are you doing?

 

v x

[Mr Spock]

Remember Veronese-this is all about how YOU feel right now. Part of your healing may just be the need to do this, and it says on ivillage and marriage builders that he needs to make every effort to tell you what you need to know, even if it's minute details of what he had for lunch.

 

Good luck with your search-I hope it preserves your sanity.

[pedwin]

Hi there,

Being in the same situation as you are I have a different opinion as everyone else.

I can guarantee that my H would not be that careless after all the hell he has gone through. There is no way he would have a girl in his car and then leave her coffee cup and her matches in the car. Mine use to go to the car was and vacume his out before he came home. I just don't believe he is that stupid. Has anyone at work borrowed his car? Maybe one of his ex girlfriends is screwing with him. Was any of them angry when he stayed with you? What kind of device are you talking about? How does it work? If he catches you and he is innocent your marriage will be over.

I know you're in pain I can feel it. Hang in there!!

Hugs

ReRe!

[NatoPMT]

without knowing all the history, it seems that you are recovering from finding out about infidelity, and you are now looking for signs that this infidelity is continuing.

 

i tend towards beliving that if there's an unexplained incident, it may be just that, unexplained. If theres more than one incident that warrants you having to shrug your shoulders, there's a question mark appearing. Here there are more than 2, and if your husband is to gain your trust, he has to be able to give you full and just reasons for those incidents.

 

i think that spocks advice of hiring the PI is by far the most conclusive and definite way of putting this to rest. My concern with the tracking device is that you still dont get answers, espec if you are prone to paranoia. it doesnt tell you why he was where he was or who he was with or what he was doing. and thats what you really need to know. and a PI can track the past history of that phone number through BT or NTL's records.

 

BB

[Mr Spock]

Veronese's husband had "emotional" affairs-he kept a series of secret friendships with women for years, some since before the marriage. He claims that none were physical, and the women support this story.

 

I think Veronese, for your own piece of mind you're going to need to investigate this fully. If you're looking for proof that he is still in contact will you be satisfied if nothing turns up? Your trust in him has been so badly damaged I am doubtful it will.

[deesgirl]

I'm doing okay. Thank you for asking.

 

I just wonder if the doubts ever go away once trust is broken. It's almost a losing battle because even if they straighten up, it's so hard to know that they have once you find out how easily they can lie.

 

I hope you find the answers you need to heal.

[StillHurtin]

Sorry you are going through this. It's hard. I agree w/ Spock, hire a PI (if you can afford it). I couldn't afford to hire a PI but I had several friends helping me out when I found out about dh's A. Two of my close friends had H's who worked at the same place my dh and the OW did plus my a very good friend of mine also worked w/ them. They would call me or tell me every time they heard or seen something going on between dh and the OW. Of course my dh denied all of it. Funny thing is though, dh never got defensive about it at all. He was really calm every time I asked him about it. After I got off work I would drive past where he worked (he worked later than me) to see if his truck was there. Usually it was there and her car wasn't. I didn't drive past every day but I am sure I would of caught them 2gether eventually.

 

After I left him he called me a few weeks later and admitted to the A and how stupid he was and wanted me and our kids back. Still working on our marriage a year later. It is hard, the trust is not all back and I don't know if it will ever be.

 

Hope all this is just a big misunderstanding and your H isn't cheating but I see a lot of red flags waving.

[evagreten1]

Hi Veronese, don't know if you remember me...anyway, i am at the same stage as you - still checking up on my husband like mad and finding things I shouldn't be. I am starting to think I almost WANT him to do something wrong so I can finally blow up and stop pretending everything is alright and we can finally start the last stages of this ridiculous game.