My boyfriend insists on staying in contact with guy he slept with

[Randoms]

I'm a straight female and have been seeing my bf for a year now. Mid way through our relationship I discovered he slept with a gay guy a while before he met me. When I asked him about it and whether he was bi sexual he said he wasn't, that he only did it because he had gone without sex for so long and he was horny. He lived with the gay guy in question but moved out shortly after they slept together. He says that's the only time he slept with a guy and it wasn't for him.

 

I accepted all this and things were OK. But the gay guy has been pretty much stalking him since we started going out. He texts/calls constantly and if my bf ignores him he turns up outside his door. It's not normal!!! He actually scares me. He sent me a msg on Facebook saying he is in love with my bf.

 

My bf insists on responding to some of his msgs because he says that keeps the stalker calmer and if he didn't reply things would get worse. He's since moved apartment so stalker doesn't know where he lives. But he still meets up with him!!! Goes to lunch with him ( we almost broke up when I found that out, he'd been keeping it secret from me). Tonight he's gone for drinks with him!!!

 

I don't understand why he's encouraging the stalker. I told him tonight stalker is still in love with him and he was like no no he got over that ages ago. He did not!!! Why would he plague my bf if he didn't still love him?!

 

I'm so distraught coz I think something might happen between them. My bf loves me I know, but our sex life isn't great right now coz I'm ill. Help me, what do I do? I got so mad at him but he still went even though he knew he was upsetting me... Am I right to be angry/suspicious??

[Balzac]

Sounds like you'd prefer a monogamous relationship w a straight man.

[Randoms]

So you think it sounds like my bf is in fact bi? Is that what you're saying? I thought I would be OK with him being bi now I'm not sure I'm able for it. I'm certainly not able for watching him meet up with a guy he knows is in love with him and who he once shagged.

[KraftDinner]

Let's just pretend it was a straight woman he'd slept with, who was now stalking him and contacting you to tell you she's in love with him.

 

Things that would not be cool:

- he's lying and not telling you they're meeting up

- he's encouraging the stalking by even being friendly

- your boyfriend didn't get mad about you being contacted on FB

- this person is SO not over him and your boyfriend knows it

- even IF your bf is not interested, he is totally enjoying the attention and to him this is more important than putting your mind at ease

 

Are you invited tonight?

 

Now, the gay/bi thing:

- unless they were in prison, there's no reason any straight man would get so horny he'd have sex with another man

- you really need to decide if you're ok with you bf being bi

 

Personally, here's what I think: at best, your bf is encouraging a stalker and doesn't care if it hurts you. At worst he's totally screwing this guy.

[Randoms]

He sort of got mad at the Facebook thing.... He kept asking when the msg was sent as if that mattered and then said he'd wring the guys neck if it had been recently. Again not sure why the timing would matter.

 

No I'm not invited, convienently its a night I can't go out on account of work tomorrow.... I feel sick ;(

[salparadise]

To each their own, but I wouldn't tolerate this another minute if I were you. Calling him a stalker is just a smokescreen. He's enjoying being pursued. He slept with this guy and has a date with him tonight! And then you're going to let him come back and crawl into the bed with you? Ewwwe! You're involved with a gay man. Sorry, but you should your losses sweetie.

[GSB81]

I've had a sexual drought or two, but never have I thought "hmm, guess I'll bang a dude." Your bf is bisexual and in denial. Treat this as if the other guy is a girl.

[Nightsky]

This is how straight people get aids. Your bf is gay. In fact you think he is a straight guy who had sex with a gay guy. I think he is a gay guy who is having sex with a girl.

[NervisPervis]

This is how straight people get aids. Your bf is gay. In fact you think he is a straight guy who had sex with a gay guy. I think he is a gay guy who is having sex with a girl.

 

Not a doubt in my mind this is the case.

 

Out for drinks with his gay stalker, huh? I wonderif it's BF's turn to pitch or catch. Wait. You're a brit. That's an American baseball euphamism for was he entered or did he do the entering.

 

DAMN IT!! Why won't the rest of the world understand basebal so the gay sex baseball slang works everywhere. Pitch or catch. Is he the man or the wonan.

 

DANG IT! Am I maiking myself clear to someone who doesn't know how a baseball battery works?

 

Sorry hun. You have to find a straight boyfriend.

[stillafool]

Your bf is on the "downlow". No straight guy gets so horney that they have sex with a man. He is meeting him and having sex. You can be sure of that. You need to move out and get over this guy ASAP. Even if this gay guy disappears there will be others.

[NervisPervis]

Let me try this w/o the sarcasm this time.

 

Your boyfriend did not sit you down after a few months of dating and say: "We're getting serious now, and I know there should be no secrets in a loving committed relationship, so I have to tell you something."

 

No, I'm guessing it was closer to something like one of your guy's old boyfriends started stalking him so he had to tell you about him. He got caught in this one gay relationship and needed to fess up. OF COURSE it was noly the one time. It's ALWAYS just that one time.

 

And, he may be a stalker, but he must be hung like a horse. Because your boy can't stay away from him.

 

But I digress. The real issue is that your boyfriend is a gay male. He not only lied to you. He not only cheated on you. But he is using your love for him as a smokescreen to appear straight while he pursues his gay affairs. And I hate to say it, but women say no in relationships, men don't . Including gay men. If what I'm telling you is even CLOSE to correct, you are in trouble.

 

If this guy hadn't stalked your boyfriend, you STILL would not know he's gay. Good for you. You got lucky. Now go on and find someone who won't lie to you, or cheat on you, or use you.

[Ribbons Undone]

your boyfriend is either gay or bi. either way he is in denial and stringing u along.

if a straight man is being stalked by a gay guy, the gay guy would most likely be in hospital.

a straight man wouldn't have sex with another man in the first place.

u need to save urself and leave this man

[Turtles]

Personally I wouldn't care if he is gay, bi, straight, or likes to bang goats, him having secret lunch dates with his ex-lover is enough.

[NervisPervis]

Personally I wouldn't care if he is gay, bi, straight, or likes to bang goats, him having secret lunch dates with his ex-lover is enough.

 

How tolerant of you. But don't make it sound like him being a closet gay is secondary here. He lied before He cheated. He used her before he cheated. The secret affairs with boys are a direct result, secondary even, to the deception. She may be able to get over secret lunch dates with ex lovers. BIOLOGY wont allow her to get over he BF being gay. Nor should she even try to get over that leved of deception.

[Randoms]

First thanks all for the messages, harsh as some were.

 

Second, I don't think my bf is gay, I think he's bisexual. Which I don't really have a problem with. I don't care who he shagged in the past so long as he is genuinely attracted to me and is only sleeping with me, nobody else.

 

But he is sleeping around I hear you cry! The fact is I have no proof he is still sleeping with the other guy, I only have my suspicions. Call me a fool if you want (and some of you will) but I am unbelievably in love with my bf and won't find it easy to leave him even when I know 100% he has cheated. But when I am 100% I will leave as much as it kills me.

 

We talked more about his past last night, yes there has been more than one guy, something I thought myself anyway. But he refuses to accept he's bi. He knows I wouldn't care so he's not refusing out of fear of my reaction anyway.

 

I know most of you think I'm stupid and that I should leave now, but isn't it at all even slightly possible that the stalker is a result of an experiment gone wrong and not something my bf wants to pursue? That he is perhaps enjoying the attention but it's not physical?

 

When I tried to leave him after finding out about the lunch date, he broke down and begged me to stay. He swore on his life that he wasn't cheating that he was trying to handle the stalking situation. I never seen him so upset before.

[stillafool]

Look if you can handle it so be it. My aunt was married to a bi sexual man. Every now and then he would be gone all weekend. She knew where he was and what he was doing. There was a man who wrote a book about men on the "downlow" because he had been. He said they do not want to ever admit that they are bi or gay. That this was too hard for them to face. He also said that the sex with a woman cannot compete with the sex that goes on between two men. He and the other "downlow" guy said it was the most intense sex imaginable. If you stay with your bf you might think about using condoms. Be safe.

[NervisPervis]

I don't think my bf is gay, I think he's bisexual. Which I don't really have a problem with.

 

Aren't you enlightened.

 

...and is only sleeping with me, nobody else.

 

Good luck w that. You gonna' grow a dick for when he gets a hankerin' for one again? Because you know, gay sex is REALLY easy to find on the internet..Ooops...sorry..."Bisexual" sex.

 

We talked more about his past last night, yes there has been more than one guy

 

NO WAY!!

 

I know most of you think I'm stupid and that I should leave now, but isn't it at all even slightly possible that the stalker is a result of an experiment gone wrong and not something my bf wants to pursue?

 

Now, I'm worried.

 

Good luck. You will need it. Please don't marry him. Once this relationship ends, do a post mortem and figure out why you are so desperately attracted to liars and cheaters.

 

And FOR GODS SAKE please make him get an HIV test before you ride him bareback again. You are playing with fire.

 

Just out of curiosity, have you told your friends he's "bi"? Do they think it's "cool"?

[NervisPervis]

And you never addressed my question. Was he up front about it and proactively told you about his...I don't know WHAT it is if it isn't bi OR gay.

 

But I digress, he wasn't up front, was he. You caught him before he fessed up, right?

 

And I'll recommend this AGAIN: Go to a gay relationship websight and ask them. I'm guessing they're not too cool with their kind doing what he did. Being ashamed of being gay, so he brings down an innocent person just to hide it. Please let us know what they say.

[Clockwork]

I think it is pretty clear your boyfriend is gay and he and you are clearly in denial of this. You said his excuse for having gay sex was because he was horny and didn't have it in a long time? What, was he in prison or something? No straight guy worth his salt would even think of that. He'd just masturbate. Sorry honey, he's gay.