i have had an affair, am i a complete *****?

[meganmay]

hi i am a 35 year old married lady with 2 children, today i made love to another man !

 

just to describe me, i am normally such a levelheaded person with a big family who all turn to me for help and advice. i am the eldest of five coming from divorced parents whom both are very loving ! i have always been percived as successfull intellenent and honest.

 

i met my husband 22 years ago when i was 13, i was totally in love with him, at 22 we married, & had 2 lovely children, things were great ! then about 10 tears ago my husband was heavily into drink and the odd drugs (speed) i did tell him about this but for the next 5 years i watch him turn from a loving man into a waster. i would work 60 hour weeks and he would just lie on the setee, if i got in at 10pm he would say " i'm hungry get my tea" this would be after i had done a 12 hour shift. this went on for years.

 

3 years ago i met some friends out for a drink and went to a party, i talked all night with one man (M) it was very clear we found each other attractive. we kissed but i soon stopped , this was not me , i would never do this, i had only ever kiss my husband ! the next few months went on and my husband only got worse, i turned to (M) for comfort, we would talk for hours never anything else, then (M) told me he loved me, i know i was falling in love with him too ! but he whole situation wasn't right ! i felt i would never have an affair !

 

i had endless talks with my husband and final left in 2001 he said he couldn't live without me, & the children, so i returned, (m) said he understood but couldn't stay in the same town seeing me most weeks without being with me, by this time i was so mixed up, knowing i loved (M) but feeling so obligated to my husband and children, i did not want my children to go throught my upsetting childhood,

 

(m) left on a trip around the world for a year, i thought get him out of my head and try to make a good go of my marriage, all the times i had spent with (M) we had never made love as we both new it's wasn't right!

 

throught-out that year i receive a few postcards etc and many e-mails, our passion for each other got stronger & stronger !!! my husband sorted himself out and is a good hard working person who is great to me and the children now

 

then (M) returned i went to his house and all the feelings came flooding back , we had hours of love making talking and i felt so relaxed.

 

but what do i do now ! i have two men who love me ! and i do love them both ! am i a complete ***** for what i have done!? i feel that i have nowhere to turn ! my family thinking i'm the most stable person they know ! do i really hurt my husband and children !

 

i would be very grateful for any advice, please try to sort my head out !!!!!!!

[amer]

you should not be having an affair!

 

You just enjoyoed an escape from your sad marriage.

 

either fix it or get out of it.

 

You are not free to cheat just because you don't like your marriage.

 

You left it lady, why did you return ?

 

Would you like to be cheated on for crap you did?

 

I don't think so.

 

Act honorably.

[honey2005]

I think you need to decide which man you love the most and which one you want to be with. It's not fair to either of them for you to be with both.

[drifter54]

Hi, I saw your post and the replies and I think you need to lighten up on yourself. And as far as the responses you've received so far, did you come here to get jumped all over? I hope not!

You have some real hard decisions to make, and they are YOURS to make. There's nothing written on stone (well, I suppose if you are Christian there are the ten commandments, and if you are following them, you won't want to hear from me anyway 'cause that's not where I'm coming from). Our society has rules. We live our lives according to those rules. Right? Or do we? Your husband abandoned you for awhile to his drugs and you coped and part of your coping was to seek the solace of a kind heart, or hearts, and one important support person for you was "M". And you must have given back to "M" something he needed, too. So there you are, two people who have found each other, and who each can give one another something unique and special in this world: the uniqueness of yourselves. You love your husband, too ... he's made amends, he is back in your heart. So here is your crux: you love them both. And they each love you. What do you do (back to your original question). Do you tell one of them "too bad, so sad, but I don't choose you" and break his heart that way? Do you tell your husband: "I love another man, too. You can stay or not. I want you to know because I love you ... but I love him, too." How would your husband respond? Would he beat you? Would he shoot you? Would he break down? Would it destroy him? Would your children be harmed? You MUST look at all these questions and decide based on your knowledge (and you DO know, don't you) of the effects. What outcomes can you live with? ONLY YOU can answer your other question.... "am I a total b...." (which I expect means the worst you can think of a woman). YOU are the one who needs to look in the mirror. Would your husband release you with an open heart and open hand to go find your life with "M"? Would "M" want that, truly? Would YOU? Or do you (be honest) enjoy the glamour of an illicit affair? You have come to a crossroads and a hard place and you've co-created the situation along with your two partners: your husband and "M". It isn't ONLY you who have created this crisis. But YOU must look out for YOUR best interests. Search your own soul, heart, your best assessment of the effects your choices will have on everyone: including yourself. You have a right to be loved and a right to be happy. You have a right to make mistakes and to change your mind. You have a right to be yourself, to forge your own paths in life. But you will live with your decisions, so pay attention to what you really want.

I wish you well.

[Mr Spock]

Ditch the loser husband. Really. If he can't live without you or the kids, maybe he'll do you all a favour and jump in front of a bus, since he doesn't seem to be too motivated to stay clean, sober, and working. What I want to know is why would you allow your two lovely kids to be exposed to a father that uses drugs? Don't think they don't know.

 

My advice would be to file for divorce-does your family know he's an addict? That he's a heavy drinker? What is worse, letting your children live with someone like that so they can be exposed to it, or realizing that you can't change him?

[sami]

An affiar is neither an outlet nor a solution to a sad marriage. You neither in nor out. We are as confused as you are. You need to stop it right there and you should really feel bad for what you did as long as it is coming in between you and your real loving family.

[Mr Spock]

Don't you dare feel bad. Your husband is a turd, and you TRIED to leave and he guilted you in to returning. He will continue to manipulate your feelings until you do something about it.

[sami]

Her husband's problems are no excuse for what she did. she either works things out with him or she should leave him. she is nowhere now.

[Mr Spock]

Excuse? Don't kid yourself. She doesn't need one.

 

Stop beating yourself up about it. What do you want to do? Is your husband still being a bum?

[sami]

That is what you think.

[Mr Spock]

Right back at you. Your posts are what you think.

[Mary3]

I think that like most women who have affairs its mostly about an emotional connection ....not sex....because thats the vast majority of reasons women cheat in general. Was it wrong ? Well thats a hard one....you were lonely....he was there....he loved you but back at home you had the kids....

 

Now my best advice is : Unless you think your hubby can permanantly change his addictions ( I seriously doubt this because I was married to an alcoholic ) The question is : Who did your hubby change his addictions for....you .....or himself ?

 

Either way its a life long problem. If it were ME I would chose the new love....( dont blast me folks ) because you can create a new life with this man with your kids.....It wont be easy...Does M want your kids and you as a complete package...?

 

You have a right to be happy....I think hubby will ALWAYS have a temptation for addictions and I would dump him.,...cruel yes....but why should you be committed to someone who didnt care....and by the time he did care...YOU didnt...sad...I know

But life is short and dammit go live it with LOVE ! ( okay I will get chastised for that but you do love both so you have to pick the one most important..)

[meganmayone]

Thank you all for your thoughts!

 

very interesting reading seeing who others look at your own situation. this has given me lots to think about.

 

drifter54, thanks for your reply, i read your post and this is the sort of reply i would give someone else ! so many decisions to make ! when i have left in the past my husband lost it ! some violence ! horrible word and then complete break down, but no drink ! i made sure the children where not home, but it took me several hours to get out of the house, he had spoken of ending it all, i know alot of people say these things when they have been hurt, i'm so afraid, he can be total unpredictable.

 

sami, i know an affair isn't right, & i have beaten myself up about this, i wouldn't be airing my views if i thought it was OK to do this !!

 

Mr spock, yes my husband was a turd for many years, & i fell in love with someone else, so i know the real question is do i end my marriage because of what my husband was like, he has been "good" for 4months now, only time will tell if he has changed ! but i will not continue to have an affair, i made love to (m) only the once & i know i love him but i do have to finish one thing before i start another !!!

 

mary3, thanks for your reply, (m) wants the "whole package" me & my children, he has always said this from the 1st time he told me he loved me. as you said you have lived with an alcoholic so you know where i'm coming from.

 

thanks again