abusive patch

[ravioli]

Ok yall i need some real help repairing the most important relationship of my life..any advice will be helpful cause so far i can only bandage the hurts..i have no clue how to heal them..

I am 32 yrs old and my guy and i have been togethsr for 17yrs..we met in 9th grade and have been together since..actual highschool sweethearts..he was my "first"..the longest we ever been apart was 2weeks when i was 16..nothing could keep us apart..he has literally rocked me to sleep every night since we were 17..we both no we are soulmates so why fight it..i realize that i am blessed because most people search their whole lives for even just a piece of that unconditional love..the love is there and and even more importantly being "in" love on both our parts is apparent but thats not the problem. We both came from some pretty messed up homes(but who hasnt) and we were each others light during some of our darkest times..in a way by us starting soo young at 14..we kinda raised each other and trust me we made some mistakes along the way..

We started partying hard and made alot of bad decisions but we rolled with the punches..naturally I am an extreamly passionate person and tend to be passive aggressive when im not drinking..he on the other hand can be really even keeled almost to a fault everything is like whatever..lately alot in our lives have changd..he got a promotion (i dont even have time to go into what it took for me to get him to keep a job!!) and begged me to quit wrking..my mom has moved in w us and he provides for her as well as our daughter and i..we are renting a house for the first time..and my grandmother is dying from cancer..us three are very close..and because of her husband we cant even talk to her..

Lately he constantly throws digs at me..im not doin this right..i suck at this..im ungrateful..im not a good person..its in my nature to be an a$*hole..im selfish..im not

capable.after a while it starts to get to me..then heakes me feel beholding to him..i try not to sk anything extra of him but if we need food or to pay a bill i dont see the big deal..

when we drink he'll do something to trigger me and i lose my mind and go all cavewoman banshee..i end up sayin really mean and hurtful things that i dont really mean but all im thinking is you hurt me i hurt you..as im raging he ends up hitting me..which in turns causes me to lash out more cause im not mousy woman..this enflames the situation at the moment more and sets up resentment that flairs the next time..

ive stopped drinkin and i realize i can only fix my half of this cause we are equally at fault..97%of our arguments are alcohol fueled..as I

m dealing w my part which i think is misplaced anger i no he is dealing w his own hurt feelings from the nasty things ive said..im working on forgiving him (although i doubt he thi

ks hes done wrong) hes good at twistin my words and makin me out to be the bad guy..

im not even concerned about blame anymore i want to no how to gelp him move on from this..the love is definitly there but its just nt healthy now..HELP!!!

[Downtown]

Ravioli, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I am so envious of your situation. You've been successfully married to your soul mate for 17 years and, by your estimation, 97% of your arguments can be eliminated by simply not drinking. Moreover, you have already stopped drinking.

 

The first thing everyone on this forum is going to want to know is why, in the 17 years, you two never went to counseling? I ask because, when a marriage is successful for many years and then suddenly goes south, the prospects for fixing it in MC are exceedingly good. Very good, indeed.