Her Best Friend is a Guy

[Penman]

I've been dating a beautiful and interesting woman for several months now and a problem is emerging.

 

When we first started going out she told me her best friend is a guy. Being the open minded type I am, I told her that was fine, and I meant it.

 

What I didn't know at the time was that her best friend may have some feelings for her, and that she wonders deep down if maybe he's the better fit for her. He has way too many problems and issues for her to consider him as a serious alternative, but the curiosity is there.

 

This came out bit by bit in the months that followed making me more and more uncomfortable. Now she's been very upfront about all this and tells me not to worry, she's with me.

 

For a while I was upset with myself for having the sort of jealous feelings I told myself I'd never have, but now I'm wondering if I can handle this.

 

Recently I've told her "I know I promised you I wouldn't be a jealous jerk and that I would respect your friendship, but I have to tell you it's becoming much harder than I thought- especially since I learned how close you are as friends and since I learned about the other feelings you both may have deep down."

 

"But," she tells me, "he's my BEST friend."

 

I end up feeling like one of those jealous idiot thugs who tell their girlfriends who they can talk to. I hate those types and it makes me feel bad just to suggest that her friendship with this man makes me uncomfortable.

 

Most of the time I don't mention it at all. I just shoulder on, but she can see it in my face- I just don't feel comfortable no matter how hard I try.

 

 

It's not that I don't trust him or that I don't trust her- what bothers me is the close emotional relationship they share. It's a closeness that goes beyond any "friendship" I've ever had, much less with someone of the opposite sex.

 

It's an emotional relationship she tells me will continue even if she and I form a long term committed relationship.

 

They are not physically intimate (No I'm not being nieve,) it's just the emotional stuff.

 

I feel like I'm in something that's not quite a love triangle, but more like an emotional intimacy triangle.

 

I feel like I have to share her emotional intimicy with her best friend- and it seems harder because he's a man and because he seems to have these feelings for her just beneath the surface.

 

Am I a jerk for feeling uncomfortable about this?

 

Is it appropriate to have to share so much of this woman's emotional intimacy with a male best friend who is not quite platonic?

 

 

Can two people be in a successful committed relationship when a partner shares so much emotional intimacy with a member of the opposite sex? For example, can a marriage be successful when so much of the wife's emotional life is tied up in another man?

 

 

When I talk to her about this she says "You're just jealous." I tell her it's not quite so simple.

 

What do you think?

 

/Penman/

[pitprincess]

My sister had a best friend for many years...

He moved away and she never got to talk to him anymore

They had the best friendship in the ways your describing here.

 

your love one has much room for you and for her friends as well. I think that even when one sided emotions are shown then the other person is just there for a friendship like they have always been. You can have a friend that you share many things with and not have any thing other then a friendship.

My sister showed me that..

 

You should explain to her that your feeling like a part of you two are being affected.. Talking about it is the best way to over come any problems.

[2ndgenrationOW]

i hate to be the one to tell you this and no i am not just being a b***h but if he is her best friend he was there first and you know what he will be there last.

 

i know this cause i am a women who's best friend is a guy and would never let anyone come between us and nether wold he so i think you should just tell her how you feel then let it go and let her think about it cause what you are asking her to do is to choice and that is not even cool think about it

[clandestinidad]

I completely understand how you feel about this situation. I've always felt that when two people are in a serious committed relationship, neither of them should have that kind of emotional closeness with the opposite sex that you're describing. In my opinion, if they were best friends before you came along, things should change slightly since you are so committed. By slightly I mean that certain things shouldnt be discussed, time should be lessened, and she should turn to YOU for her emotional support. Yes, she should still be best friends with him, but she also needs to realize what YOUR role in her life is...her security, support, lover, playmate, etc. I dont think she should brush off your feelings about how you want to be her emotional support. Have you tried to tell her that you want to be the person she goes to about everything? If not, I suggest doing that....b/c she might think you just dont want her having any male friends. I do have to say this though...since she is so open with you about their friendship and isnt hiding things, I guarantee there's nothing to worry about. Who cares if he likes her, b/c he still hasnt "gotten" her in all this time, and she's with you. I have another question though...when they do things together are you ever included? B/c if not, it would probably help you feel more comfortable if you were, and theres nothing wrong with explaining that, as well as the emotional stuff, to her .

[Penman]

No they don't include me. I've only met him once. She says it would make him feel bad to see how close her and I are. This makes me even more uncomfortable.

[clandestinidad]

One more thing....In my opinion, some people are totally fine with their partner being emotionally closer with a friend of the opposite sex...and some people think its totally wrong and hinders the bond that the couple is supposed to have. If she refuses to understand how you feel about this, doesnt change anything to help you be more comfortable, or if she is the kind of person that wouldnt care if YOU were so close to another girl, then ya'lls values are too different for this to work out long term. It doesnt mean one person is wrong, just that the values of what a relationship "should be" arent aligned.

[clandestinidad]

I just read what you posted while i was typing my last one, and I just have to say....WHAT THE HE((!!!!! (are we allowed to type out that word??) Anyway....pardon my rude response, but I dont think she should put his feelings above yours. If she knows it would make YOU more comfortable with the situation, and knows that you want to get to know someone who's so important in her life, then she should be more focused on you, not him! How long have ya'll been together???

[Penman]

We've been dating for 8 months now.

 

I've been talking to her about this a lot lately, I think she's starting to understand how this is affecting us.

 

She's realizing I'm not the type of guy who's telling her she can't have a friend who's a man. She's also realizing that if our relationship is to remain healthy there has to be a different balance in how she shares the emotional part of her life.

 

The way I see it is like this:

 

When two people are in a relationship they share their strongest emotional bonds with their partner. Friends play a important, but supportive role.

 

If a partner shares more of their emotional life with a friend, or even the same amount with a friend as opposed to a partner- the relationship is out of balance.

 

That's my feeling anyway- and I feeling uncomfortable about this "inbalance" is different from the more typical feelings of "jealousy."

 

Does that make sense?

 

Well, at least she and I are talking about this- but I'd love to hear more from others too.

[Hurt]

I just borke up with a 10 mo relationship, she kept calling an ex and in the end, she would not stop, there can be no ex in a present relationship, she lied to me once about seeing him and it dominated our relationship, if the person is unwilling to let go, let her go!

[Penman]

I agree.

 

In our case though, he's not an "ex." He's a friend, but as I mentioned earlier, I know he has feelings for her, even if they are not mutual, which adds to the discomfort.

 

Since she and I have been discssing this, she's made some moves in the right direction and rebalancing where her priorities are. I'm just waiting to see how things end up- but I'm optimistic, especially since we've been able to discuss it so openly.

 

Thanks for your input. I'd like to hear from more of you if you'd like to share.

 

It's appreciated.

[Hurt]

if it affects you and oyu tell her, she will honer what you feel, if not its time for her to look at her response to your feelings