A young mans vent.

[b_runner]

First of all I'd just like to mention that I've been reading this forum on and off for a couple of years and have enjoyed it a lot. Good to see so many stories here that I'm sure many can relate to.

 

Well. This turned out long. It's safe to say this definitely a tldr post. But hey, what the hell. I got it out of my system and maybe someone will find something from it. I hope so.

 

My vent comes from, surprise, a girl. The source of all true problems haunting a straight man on earth. The shadow of a potential "something" that you just can't shake no matter how hard you try. And the worst part is, so much of it is out of your control.

 

I'm talking about having a ccccrush. Like a thirteen year old girl scribbling pictures of an unattainable boy in her class. A dirty crush. All my life I've had these. Nothing more. Just crushes. That'd be fine if I was thirteen, but I'm not. I'm twenty four years old. I've felt nothing but the weight of the world my whole life. Don't get me wrong, oftentimes I view it as much of a blessing as a curse, but tonight, I feel low, man. Real low.

 

Before I tell you more about my recent crush I'd like to give you a little history. In recent years I've done everything I can to improve myself. See, despite my 'I need a beer' type post, I really do try my damn hardest. A couple of years back I was frustrated with not having had a girlfriend. So over time I've fixed lots of things. I was a pretty shy, small kid. I got beaten up a bit, until I went to High School and became good with music. That saved me. My parents were pretty shy and conservative, and my dad, while a good man and trying his best, was very scrict with me. My mother very protective. I didn't have the male role model I needed growing up. I'm not complaining, two parents is a rare thing these days.

 

So I've spent the last couple of years working on myself. Trying to undo years of social conditioning. Maybe part of its just who I am, I don't know. My parents told me as I kid I wanted everything to be just right, I was hard on myself a bit, did a lot of people watching, a lot of people studying...spent a lot of time caught up in my own head and I recognize that. But now I see other people who seem to just live their own life, and in a weird way, they seem happier. Guys who don't care just a little bit seem to have success with women. They're not up in their heads like crazy narcissistic bastards like me. They have a little sexual energy. Mine's all deep inside with no place to go, and no direction whatsoever.

 

I started going to the gym. I was a pretty skinny kid, so the last two years I started working out, and I'm happy with my progress. I'm not 'skinny' anymore. I'm getting bigger and bigger. Of course this is no fix for anything but I enjoy the process and it gives me something to do outside of my passion which is music. I like the feeling of the pump. I like the atmosphere. I actually feel like a man now, just a little bit. When I work out I get a taste of what being a real man must be like. But I'm still not hungry like they are.

 

I spent hundreds of hours reading self help books in my late teens/last few years. Went through the whole 'PUA' phase. To be fair, I learned some good skills, I learned how to be a bit more assertive, to take pride in who I am, to work on myself, dress nicely, talk to people with eye contact, not be a wimp. I've come a long way, but I feel ten steps behind. I know, they say that the better you get at something, the worse you feel at it, and that's true.

 

In part due to my lack of success with women, or really, my lack of a real sense of how to interact with them, I sort of shut off from them. I became as anti feminist as you can be, I became a 'work on myself, be a man' type of guy, which helped me, but it also has hindered me in some ways. Because deep down I'm a pretty sensitive guy. I'm a hopeless romantic who's too embarrased to be romantic and I don't know why. In my head I want to do things but I feel wrong about them, not directly, but somewhere deep down I just feel like I'm too shy for my own skin. Even though on the outside I'm telling myself, listen pal, you're a man, own it. Be you. Be confident. Walk outside and own the city.

 

So I've had a string of crushes in my short career as a bachelor. I get attached to really unattainable, really attractive, way too perfect girls. And don't get me wrong, I've learned how not to put them on a pedastool - at least one they can see, I'm no longer the clingy friendzoned guy that I was in High School. I have come a long way. But I think women can tell a lot about me, as if they know deep down under all this bravado there's a lonely virgin who's tried real hard to work on himself.

 

I want you to understand the type of guy I seem because I think it is important to note that I have grown since I was a young fool in love. I'm now just a slightly older fool in love, but I can hide it more. With girls I'm not interested in, I'm fine - I joke, I make them laugh, even when the jokes are really inappropriate, they want to be around me, it's all good. To them I seem like the most interesting guy in the world, but not one they'd want to get with. And that's fine, because I don't want to get with them. But when one comes around....I fall to pieces.

 

And that leads me to the most recent girl. She's just all kinds of madness. Beautiful. Completely beautiful. She's the kind of girl that was raised right. She dresses impeccably, she handles herself like nobody I've ever seen, so elogently, she's one of those girls who's in control, but calm, not out every weekend drunk like an idiot, she's smart, she has hobbies and passions. And I knew she was out of her league when she introduced herself to me. Oh yes, that's right, she introduced herself to me. Great. Just my ****in' luck man. And that's my real problem. I don't go out of my way to meet these beautiful girls. I've played in bands since I left high school, and most of them have been pretty successful, radio play, gigs, tours, that kind of stuff. So we run into gorgeous women a lot. And it hurts, because they are never as into me as I'm into them. They're just curious, and maybe they feel cool about hanging around with the band. I don't know.

 

I have asked a handful of women out in my life and been rejected by them all. Granted half of them were in my phase when I was a guy riding on a one way ticket to the friendzone, but now that I know better, I still get that feeling. I know when a girl wants more. I feel like I can read people pretty well. I look at the way girls look at guys they are attracted to, and I feel bad, because I know I've never been looked at in that way, not like that. Not by girls I feel something for.

 

So you might say, dude, you've just gotta ask out more girls. Don't get hung up on one. I know all that, but I'm just not built that way. 'Other' girls don't interest me. Special girls do. The kind that make your heart sink as soon as you see 'em, 'cause you know there's a lucky son of a gun out there who's going to be with her. And it's not you.

 

This last girl seemed friendly enough. She was sweet to me, hugged me the second time she saw me, when she came to my most recent bands second gig (I didn't ask her to come, she just came). Foolishly I didn't get her number, but she did add me on facebook, and man that has been hell for me. Seeing her gorgeous pictures, all that stuff, kills me man. It kills me. Because she's just so damn together. And I know that she could have just about any guy alive. I mean it. She's drop dead gorgeous.

 

Long story short, even after sending me some reasonable signals, after saying it'd be nice to hang out, she avoided my message to her about meeting up. I know she's read it. But the thing that kills me is that she's not interested in me. I know if she was, she'd have replied by now. I get that. I'm not the same loser I was in High School who would probably send her another message or say how I feel prematurely. I get the fact that I barely know this girl, have built her up in my head and need to be cool and realistic. Which is what I've done. I haven't showered her with anything but a mind curiosity to meet up, and I feel like I've already blown it. If a girl is into you, she will at least reply to messages or make some kind of effort. She's not a shy person. I know guys give her attention and compliments 24/7.

 

And I feel bad not because she's sort of rejected me, but because it represents how I feel right now emotionally, stuck. I'm not really alive. I'm good at some things, when I take on a project, I do it and I do it right - I like to present quality material. But I'm not a quality material in anybody's eyes. I can't work on me the way I can work on my music. I've tried. It doesn't work. And I know why. It all comes down to looks. If you can't give a girl what she wants on the outside, you're gonna have a hard time giving her what's inside. Because I'm a realist, I know looks do matter to some degree. And no matter how hard I try, all I'm doing is taking an average at best guy, and putting him into a disguise of clothes, and posture, and 'confidence', but it's not enough. I don't look like the guy of this girls dreams. That guy is beautiful. I honestly thought with this girl, It could be my lucky break. I mean, I've spent all this time working on myself, I've tried my best to be the best person I can be. I know that you can't expect everyone to like the way you look, but it hurts just a bit too much this time, mostly because I was pretty turned off women for the longest time. This is the first girl in a seriously long time I've felt so...exposed by. I mean I sound like an emotional trainwreck thinking about this girl.

 

I don't like clubs or bars and I don't really drink, I am completely turned off by young drunk culture, and most young girls my age are all about nights out. The ones that aren't, generally speaking are a bit too closed in for my liking. Which is why this girl seems so unbelievable. I'm sure she has her faults - we all do. But I want to get to know them. I want to get to know them enough to love them.

 

I want more than anything to be able to care about this girl. To write her a song when she's down. To hold her when she's crying. To make her laugh. To experience something outside of my own existance. To feel like I matter to someone, and someone matters to me. I hold no grand illusions whereby my 'happiness' is controlled by being with someone, but I'd sure as hell like to be happy with someone. That's for damn sure.

Edited January 13, 2013 by b_runner