right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Few weeks ago, my brother confided in me that he had an LTA for over 3 years. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He is the most loyal and devoted family man I know. Yes, I knew that his marriage was less than perfect, but I thought that he managed to find peace and contentment with his wife (our family isn't really fond of her, but she is still his wife and they have been married for over 20 years). He is a wonderful father who will do anything for the kids. Finding out he's been having a relationship with another woman for such a long time is absolutely mind boggling. He decided to end the LTA out of his feelings of guilt towards his family. He is heart broken over the loss of the other woman as he said he has deep feelings for her, but says he has no other choice as he will never leave his family, for many reasons. He doesn't want to confess to his wife. I've even reading here for few days and I know that you all advocate confessing but he is adamant about not doing that. He also doesn't want to do MC or IC. He is a very guarded man, quite the introvert, and never opens up to anyone. I was actually very surprised that he confided in me. My brother thinks that in time he will just put the LTA behind him and move on with his life as it was before he met the other woman. He just wants to go back to being the good father and husband like his affair never took place. I'm just worried that if his wife will never know, they will never be able to truthfully address the issues that made him be vulnerable to another woman. I'm afraid that if he will carry this burden for the rest of his life and burry his feelings and the implications of his actions through denial, he will end up depressed and ill. My question is: if there was never a D-Day, no confession, no MC or IC - can he really fix what it was that made him enter the LTA to begin with on his own? Is it possible to just put something so fundamental behind you and move on like nothing ever happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Yes, it is very possible. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Few weeks ago, my brother confided in me that he had an LTA for over 3 years. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He is the most loyal and devoted family man I know. Yes, I knew that his marriage was less than perfect, but I thought that he managed to find peace and contentment with his wife (our family isn't really fond of her, but she is still his wife and they have been married for over 20 years). He is a wonderful father who will do anything for the kids. Finding out he's been having a relationship with another woman for such a long time is absolutely mind boggling. He decided to end the LTA out of his feelings of guilt towards his family. He is heart broken over the loss of the other woman as he said he has deep feelings for her, but says he has no other choice as he will never leave his family, for many reasons. He doesn't want to confess to his wife. I've even reading here for few days and I know that you all advocate confessing but he is adamant about not doing that. He also doesn't want to do MC or IC. He is a very guarded man, quite the introvert, and never opens up to anyone. I was actually very surprised that he confided in me. My brother thinks that in time he will just put the LTA behind him and move on with his life as it was before he met the other woman. He just wants to go back to being the good father and husband like his affair never took place. I'm just worried that if his wife will never know, they will never be able to truthfully address the issues that made him be vulnerable to another woman. I'm afraid that if he will carry this burden for the rest of his life and burry his feelings and the implications of his actions through denial, he will end up depressed and ill. My question is: if there was never a D-Day, no confession, no MC or IC - can he really fix what it was that made him enter the LTA to begin with on his own? Is it possible to just put something so fundamental behind you and move on like nothing ever happened? Nope.............. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 No it is not possible! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Nope.............. No it is not possible! Would you mind elaborating a bit? What would you expect will happen to him and his marriage if he sticks to his pan of simply moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 You should probably ask if the people saying one thing or another are still married or not. Often times on the infidelity board you have divorced betrayed spouses offering advice that will send you down the same exact path they find themselves on, divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Few weeks ago, my brother confided in me that he had an LTA for over 3 years. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He is the most loyal and devoted family man I know. Yes, I knew that his marriage was less than perfect, but I thought that he managed to find peace and contentment with his wife (our family isn't really fond of her, but she is still his wife and they have been married for over 20 years). He is a wonderful father who will do anything for the kids. Finding out he's been having a relationship with another woman for such a long time is absolutely mind boggling. He decided to end the LTA out of his feelings of guilt towards his family. He is heart broken over the loss of the other woman as he said he has deep feelings for her, but says he has no other choice as he will never leave his family, for many reasons. He doesn't want to confess to his wife. I've even reading here for few days and I know that you all advocate confessing but he is adamant about not doing that. He also doesn't want to do MC or IC. He is a very guarded man, quite the introvert, and never opens up to anyone. I was actually very surprised that he confided in me. My brother thinks that in time he will just put the LTA behind him and move on with his life as it was before he met the other woman. He just wants to go back to being the good father and husband like his affair never took place. I'm just worried that if his wife will never know, they will never be able to truthfully address the issues that made him be vulnerable to another woman. I'm afraid that if he will carry this burden for the rest of his life and burry his feelings and the implications of his actions through denial, he will end up depressed and ill. My question is: if there was never a D-Day, no confession, no MC or IC - can he really fix what it was that made him enter the LTA to begin with on his own? Is it possible to just put something so fundamental behind you and move on like nothing ever happened? It's called "rug sweeping", and it solves nothing. How he "move on like nothing happened" when he had a 3 yr long affair and is/was emotionally invested in the LTA? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Would you mind elaborating a bit? What would you expect will happen to him and his marriage if he sticks to his pan of simply moving on? The person I was married to...simply moved on from that first affair. Then he had another and another...(who knows how many)all the while I am making life choices that affected my future and my health. Not once did he find it the right thing to do to allow me to make decisions about my life with all the information. When I did find out (after 20 years) to feel like my whole life was a lie is an understatement. What parts were real, what parts were illusion, what opportunities did I miss because I did have the whole picture. Simple put..no one can change anything they do not exists and they certainly can't change what they do not acknowledge. It is wrong to do that to some one's life. The time that I wasted can never be given back to me. The choices that I was never allowed to have can never be given back to me. The emotions allowed to invest in an illusion can never be given back to me. An affair is bad enough...but the daily lie is IMO even worse. And just for the record...he can never be the man he was...that man is gone forever. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 You should probably ask if the people saying one thing or another are still married or not. Often times on the infidelity board you have divorced betrayed spouses offering advice that will send you down the same exact path they find themselves on, divorced. I agree with this. You should also know there are people actively involved in affairs who will also speak from their experiences...as it well should be. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 I'm in a very long term marriage. The cheating happened in the early years of our marriage. We have been successfully reconciled since then due to WH being honest about what happened, totally remorseful, and him understanding why he chose to participate in adultery. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 You should probably ask if the people saying one thing or another are still married or not. Often times on the infidelity board you have divorced betrayed spouses offering advice that will send you down the same exact path they find themselves on, divorced. Personally, I don't view a divorce like the worse thing that could happen to a person. I'm a lot more concerned with my brother's emotional health and happiness for the rest of is life, whether he stays married or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 The person I was married to...simply moved on from that first affair. Then he had another and another...(who knows how many)all the while I am making life choices that affected my future and my health. Not once did he find it the right thing to do to allow me to make decisions about my life with all the information. When I did find out (after 20 years) to feel like my whole life was a lie is an understatement. What parts were real, what parts were illusion, what opportunities did I miss because I did have the whole picture. Simple put..no one can change anything they do not exists and they certainly can't change what they do not acknowledge. It is wrong to do that to some one's life. The time that I wasted can never be given back to me. The choices that I was never allowed to have can never be given back to me. The emotions allowed to invest in an illusion can never be given back to me. An affair is bad enough...but the daily lie is IMO even worse. And just for the record...he can never be the man he was...that man is gone forever. My brother is absolutely shuttered by his choice to have a relationship outside his marriage, by his immense guilt and also by the pain he feels he inflicted on the other woman. Therefore, I find it hard to believe that he will ever enter into an affair again. But then again, I never imagined that he will ever cheat either and I've known him his entire life. My fear is that all this guilt, all the denial all inner unexpressed turmoil, even if buried deep inside him, will one day erupt and cause him great damage, or am I worried for nothing and e will successfully just manage to gloss over everything in time? Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 People do become ill when they don't live authentically. You are very right to worry about your brother. Can you push for IC? He needs to talk to someone and that's why he confessed to you. IC would help him the most. If the M survived 3 years, it will go on as it did. They clearly weren't very close and they can make it like that for a while. My advice is to insist on IC. He can then decide what he can live with and what to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 I'm in a very long term marriage. The cheating happened in the early years of our marriage. We have been successfully reconciled since then due to WH being honest about what happened, totally remorseful, and him understanding why he chose to participate in adultery. By bother has been married for over 20 years and this is his first time being unfaithful. I believe he is very remorseful and devastated by his own actions. I'm just not sure that he will ever be able to fully recover if he doesn't confess or get any outside professional help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 My brother is absolutely shuttered by his choice to have a relationship outside his marriage, by his immense guilt and also by the pain he feels he inflicted on the other woman. Therefore, I find it hard to believe that he will ever enter into an affair again. But then again, I never imagined that he will ever cheat either and I've known him his entire life. My fear is that all this guilt, all the denial all inner unexpressed turmoil, even if buried deep inside him, will one day erupt and cause him great damage, or am I worried for nothing and e will successfully just manage to gloss over everything in time? I knew the person I married the majority of my life as well. We knew each other as children, grew up in the same area, went to college together, a man of integrity, a man I chose to marry and have children with....yup I screwed that one up royally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 People do become ill when they don't live authentically. You are very right to worry about your brother. Can you push for IC? He needs to talk to someone and that's why he confessed to you. IC would help him the most. If the M survived 3 years, it will go on as it did. They clearly weren't very close and they can make it like that for a while. My advice is to insist on IC. He can then decide what he can live with and what to do. I believe that you are right, but he absolutely refuses to get IC. That's absolutely non-negotiable, as well as coming clean with his wife. They function well as parents and on the surface all seems pleasant and intact. I guess it will just continue this way? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 I believe that you are right, but he absolutely refuses to get IC. That's absolutely non-negotiable, as well as coming clean with his wife. They function well as parents and on the surface all seems pleasant and intact. I guess it will just continue this way? For the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 For the time being. Can you please explain? Right now the kids are enough of a distraction and a buffer that he can keep himself wrapped up with their activities and daily lives. They are all teens and he is always schlepping one or two of them to school, sports, friends etc. I'm afraid of that will happen when the kids are all grow up and have their own lives, and my bother and his wife will be on their own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Can you please explain? Right now the kids are enough of a distraction and a buffer that he can keep himself wrapped up with their activities and daily lives. They are all teens and he is always schlepping one or two of them to school, sports, friends etc. I'm afraid of that will happen when the kids are all grow up and have their own lives, and my bother and his wife will be on their own. When issues are not addressed they reappear and if one hasn't address the issue they certainly haven't discovered any new coping mechanisms. When we do not acknowledge our past missteps...we typically repeat them. Children should not be a distraction for parents unwilling to address their issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 If all this is swept under the rug, and the BW finds out later on about the affair, she will be devastated that her H didn't even let her decide what she wanted in their marriage. She will feel like part of her marriage was a big lie, and she will regret the many life altering decisions she made not knowing she was married to a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 When issues are not addressed they reappear and if one hasn't address the issue they certainly haven't discovered any new coping mechanisms. When we do not acknowledge our past missteps...we typically repeat them. Children should not be a distraction for parents unwilling to address their issues. I don't think that they intentionally use the kids as buffers or a distraction, but I believe that this is what's been going on. Everything revolves around the kids and their activities. What will happen when the kids are grown and ave their own lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Author right_or_wrong Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 If all this is swept under the rug, and the BW finds out later on about the affair, she will be devastated that her H didn't even let her decide what she wanted in their marriage. She will feel like part of her marriage was a big lie, and she will regret the many life altering decisions she made not knowing she was married to a cheater. How will his wife find out? My brother is certain the other woman will not out him due to many TMI reasons, and i agree with his assessment. He has no intentions of ever coming clean and there is no one who knows about his LTA. I also understand that there are no emails or any paper trail. And knowing his wife, she will never go digging for information. She isn't savvy enough technology-wise, and keeping up appearances is paramount in her opinion. Maybe in this case where his wife will never find out, he will be able to just move on and put it behind him? Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 You should probably ask if the people saying one thing or another are still married or not. Often times on the infidelity board you have divorced betrayed spouses offering advice that will send you down the same exact path they find themselves on, divorced. To the OP, in response to this "point" raised: I am married, and happily reconciled after my husband's 3.5 year affair. I know all about the affair. Without that knowledge- we would only have been placing a bandaid over a bullet wound. Even if your brother doesn't think his wife has a clue, he is wrong that his marriage has been unaffacted by this. His wife has likely had issues and not been able to understand things he says and does, and cannot figure out why. And a healthy marriage is built on honesty. If he truly wishes to repair and rebuild- he will have to tell the truth. Or else it will fall apart. And it will be easier to build a new marriage if the truth comes from him, and is not discovered by her. I was told by the OW's family about the affair- and that added a whole other layer of pain to work through. Your brother can avoid that. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 My spouse had the same plan as your brother - to not tell me and end the affair. He never expected her parents to tell me. But tell me they did. He does not have as much control as he thinks he does. Honesty is the best policy. It is. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 How will his wife find out? My brother is certain the other woman will not out him due to many TMI reasons, and i agree with his assessment. He has no intentions of ever coming clean and there is no one who knows about his LTA. I also understand that there are no emails or any paper trail. And knowing his wife, she will never go digging for information. She isn't savvy enough technology-wise, and keeping up appearances is paramount in her opinion. Maybe in this case where his wife will never find out, he will be able to just move on and put it behind him? OMG! That is exactly what Mr. Messy thought about me...boy was he wrong. I don't know what to say to you. I guess it does not matter if her life choices are affected. Link to post Share on other sites
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