Her Control-Freak Parents Part II -- Epilogue

[Boogie]

Sad to say, my first post here, which was "Her Control Freak Parents Are Driving Us Crazy" (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45443/) was on the 12th. On the 13th, her father called my parents and left a voicemail for them (while he knew they'd be at work) telling them he and his wife had many concerns and, therefore, were unwilling to make a wedding and were against my fiancee and I marrying. He spoke for about two minutes, suggesting he and his wife had spent lots of time agreeing on the matter, and basically wrapped with "This is our last word on this matter." Then, he said "Have a nice weekend, bye bye." And hung up.

 

Subsequently, and here goes: I get a phone call from the psycho telling me "Stop harassing my daughter or you'll have to deal with me" (and a hang-up) and I let my fiancee know her father is now out of control and I want my ring back. I can deal with her parents disapproving; but threats to me and my family, no way.

 

She was very upset and managed to calm me down and I decided not to take back my ring. So....I told my father and my uncle (who had driven me to her apartment to originally pick up my things and to insure, if the psychotic manic-depressive showed up, there wouldn't be a physical altercation), to go home and that my fiancee (sort of) would get me home, wherever I needed to be.

 

The next day we had a decent day...I still was in limbo -- I love this woman but her family (not just her father but her mother too) exhibit seriously unstable behavior. I was worried about my personal safety going there last Friday night; she admitted to me that she was worried because her parents had her keys as well. Sick, but true.

 

Saturday afternoon comes and goes...we agree her father is sick (clinically) and that he needs help and we will try counseling. Saturday evening, I arrive home and waiting for me is a message from said future father-in-law threatening me, threatening my father and my family. I call my fiancee and tell her I can't continue in this relationship, then I call my parents. I play the message for my fiancee, at her request, twice. She calls her parents, screaming mad, and her father DENIES making the call. She lets him know she heard it with her own ears.

 

I visit the NYPD to file a police report on Sunday against her father. Sunday afternoon, my mother tells me my father is feeling sh*tty and I decided to just let everyone be. Turns out, we found out Monday morning, my father had a heart attack and is now in the hospital in NYC and we don't know if he will make it. My former fiancee has been supportive regarding my father but otherwise has proven to me that I made the right decision to separate from her and her f*cked up family once and for all. I just wish I'd seen this all coming and was proud and confident enough in my own worth to get out while I could have (without anyone being hurt).

 

I feel badly for my fiancee -- she's allowed her controlling parents to trample and ruin her life (including alcohol abuse, suicidal impulses, eating disorders, insecurity, indecision, depression and mood swings) and I think, in retrospect, she's looked to me to save her from all these factors (namely, her f*cked-up, incompetent parents) and I just can't do it. I want to make her well -- not just for she and I to be together, but so she can be a happy person and one day have a normal relationship without them destroying it like they have done everything else they can.

 

I know it's no one's fault (other than my father's diet, lack of exercise and genetics) that my dad's in a hospital bed. Odds are good he'll make it through this. But every morning when I wake up I look in the mirror and I'm reminded that it was my (poor) decision to stay with this woman and her f*cked-up parents that might have caused this. I've got so many feelings going through me -- guilt, sadness, fear (of losing my father), loneliness -- I actually called my doctor and asked him for a sedative to make sure I'd live through all of this. I've got to be honest -- I used to play hockey and have had a half-dozen injuries, including some painful surgeries, without crying. The last week, I can't stop crying...I just don't know what else to do. I'm certainly not suicidal, but I just don't know what more I can do to please the people of this earth who look to me for whatever it is they need or want.

 

I know all of my emotions are relatively normal -- considering the degree of lunacy surrounding all these events -- but I've relegated myself to getting my family back on track first and looking for a woman second. I haven't gotten rid of the ring yet, but I've begun purging myself of everything that reminded me of my former fiancee. I know it's not her fault that any of this is happening (aside from her total denial regarding her parents' overinvolvement and -- frankly -- disgustingly abusive personas, not only to outsiders but to her as well).

 

I just hope that, somehow, this all concludes with my father being in good (or at least decent) health, my family returning to a solid, integrated unit; my fiancee commencing some intense therapy to either rid herself of or redefining her family's control over her; and my meeting someone who I love, respect, trust, believe in and with whom I can't wait to spend an eternity.

 

If I had to settle, I'd pick my Dad's health. The rest are really meaningless; but I figured I'd add those others in there as well.

 

Thanks for reading...

[tokyo]

You´ll make it

[katie79]

Don't let her parents get in the way of you decision of marrying her. There will always be family issues. You must deal with them. I know it's hard, but you have to try. What's important is you love her and want to marry her. You work with the rest. Tell her parents that. Don't break off the engagement for something she has no control over; her parents attempting to break you two up because you don't meet their expecations of what they think would make their daughter happy. Who she marries is up to her. She's a grown woman, it's her life. Parents can guide and help, but shouldn't interfere like that. Don't let this break you two up.

[Boogie]

Originally posted by katie79

Don't let her parents get in the way of you decision of marrying her. There will always be family issues. You must deal with them. I know it's hard, but you have to try. What's important is you love her and want to marry her. You work with the rest. Tell her parents that. Don't break off the engagement for something she has no control over; her parents attempting to break you two up because you don't meet their expecations of what they think would make their daughter happy. Who she marries is up to her. She's a grown woman, it's her life. Parents can guide and help, but shouldn't interfere like that. Don't let this break you two up.

 

 

I've spent the last week torturing myself over these issues of which you mention; but there are two sentences in your post that really exemplify, and explain, why things are the way they are. Who she marries is up to her. It is, except in a family where two controlling parents are desperate to cling to a daughter who is still (at 31) willing to let them control her. For the past three months her parents (both, not simply the psycho-dad but the behind-the-scenes mom) have badgered her one way or another to end the engagement. Despite her telling them to leave her be -- that she's made her decision -- each time they introduce an issue ("he doesn't make enough money, he's too this, he's too that") it affects our relationship. She doesn't "listen" to their demands she end it, but she hasn't stopped speaking with them despite these repeated attacks on her psyche and, subsequently, on our relationship.

 

The second sentence: Parents can guide and help, but shouldn't interfere like that. You are absolutely right. But unfortunately, what I was dealing with was a pair of incompetent, controlling parents, both of whom came from controlling, abusive, unsupportive households. The result was, for my fiancee, a chaotic, abusive, strained, uncomfortable, insecure home life that has caused in her and her sister: alcohol abuse; eating disorders; insecurity; hypochondria; anxiety; obsessive-compulsive disorder; compulsive and/or addictive personality (smoking, exercise, excessive attention to weight -- weighing onesself three or more times a day), etc.

 

I stuck by this woman for over two years -- and loved her -- and offered her a ring, at her parents' approval -- and the result was threats and discord, screaming, and complete hell. The one day we went to look at wedding venues was so miserable that I asked her mother to drop me at a bus station so I could find my way back to NYC without any further stress.

 

The bottom line, Katie, is that I would have stuck by this woman, through these problems, forever. However, I realized that she was looking to me to save her from the 31 years of pain and suffering she'd endured from her parents. Physical, verbal, mental and sexual abuse are not things that can be cured with a lovely wedding ceremony. And her relationship with her father will never, ever be normal -- in fact, I doubt she will ever truly be able to have a normal relationship with any man at all. But the fact that she was continually so blind as to what her mother was doing to her -- despite repeated examples (not simply from me and her friends but even from an older cousin of hers who she respects) -- just proved to me that no one but her can heal her wounds and that, until her wounds do heal -- if ever -- she cannot have a relationship that will belong to her and her husband/boyfriend/fiancee. Controlling parents aren't a death-knell to a relationship, especially if the parties in the relationship are on the same page. But she was not, and would never be, on the same page as me, and, further, never will understand that both her parents aren't merely controlling but are mentally ill and need serious psychological help.

 

It was painful taking back the ring and all my things from her; but I saw into the future the other night, picturing the hell of living with a family whose wounds run so deep as to be decades-old -- and just decided that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life -- which won't be the case -- than to have to endure their abuse, threats and toxicity one day longer. And my ex is a wonderful woman -- I just pray that she will ride this experience into realizing how wonderful she is and find the inner strength to rid herself of these two cancerous people. All I know is that as sad as I am to have to say goodbye to her, I am relieved that I won't have any more to do with them. And I know the depth of my grief, so knowing my relief is equal to or deeper than my grief tells me I waited far too late to make the right decision.

 

Thanks for your kind words, and I hope that any and all reading this will never have to endure the pain and the heartbreak my fiancee and I have.