pink_sugar Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 So many brother has been coming to us lately for advice, because his girlfriend of almost 4 1/2 years decided to leave their apartment and stay with a friend for a few weeks. Reason being is that she discovered she had feelings for another guy at work and she's realizing her goals and dreams haven't come true with my brother. We've noticed it for quite awhile, but have been supportive to my brother. His girlfriend has made it clear how she wants marriage and kids asap, giving timelines such as "I want to be married within a year and pregnant in two" about a year ago. Her only goals are to get married and settle down to have kids, she is about 26 now and wants to be done with kids by 30. My brother is almost 28, graduated college almost 2 years ago. He hasn't been able to find a decent job, so he works for a grocer and she works for a clothing store. Neither of them make decent money and they share an apartment with her sister. Despite all that, she wants marriage and kids now. My brother has never taken her seriously about her wanting kids and for the longest time, said she was joking. They don't communicate very well at all about their goals and desires, but it's been clear to the rest of us for a long time that they have little in common. Anyways, my brother is taking the separation hard. Every time he calls her, she adds on time to their separation. She's even told my brother that all of a sudden she doesn't have feelings for the other guy anymore, but wants to keep seeing him for coffee as friends. This other guy is 21 and she thinks he's really going places with his life. Basically her parents have encouraged her to find a man that will provide for her. All of us think she's being really manipulative with my brother. He would bring her flowers, cook her dinner. When she'd say she'd be home in 10 minutes, she'd be home an hour and a half later. She'd go to the club with friends and not want my brother there. Now she doesn't know if she wants to get married (her and my brother have been engaged over a year, no ring.). She said she's been unhappy since June. (When the wedding was intially supposed to happen). My brother asked for advice from his friends and they told him that when she comes back from her separation, to take her to dinner and give her a ring/propose. No one knows if she's done anything with the other guy, but we all agree marriage is a terrible idea right now with the problems they are facing in their relationship. If my brother really wanted to marry her, he would have done so by now. Now it seems he's doing it so he can win her back and that it would make her happy. I told my brother he should give things a lot of thought. Marriage and kids are her priority right now...it's not for him. What do you all think of the situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 I can see where she is coming from, she has been waiting for 4.5 years and sees herself getting nowhere. Maybe it seems shallow & materialistic but "ability to provide for one's family" is an attractive quality and it appears your brother does not possess it (for now). It sounds like the best thing he could do to make himself more attractive to her is use his college education to find a decent job, not bring flowers & cook dinner. I am not sure giving in to the "kids & marriage" wish would be a wise choice at this point, it sounds like she has decided she could do better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 Good point, I think so too. I've told my brother they both should keep the lines of communication open. If she wants marriage and kids within a certain time frame and he doesn't, he needs to be clear where he stands and tell her it's not going to work out instead of just saying he doesn't want kids anytime soon and expect her to deal with it. He said they also have a lot of other issues aside from marriage and kids. I told my brother all the more reason not to get married right now. Link to post Share on other sites
passingbreeze Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 No offense to your brother, but how could he hope to support a wife and baby, if he doesn't make enough to even rent an apartment for the two of them? How could he even buy a ring? Does he have health care, so that if his gf gets pregnant, she will have decent prenatal and delivery care? You say he graduated college? What was his major, that he has to work in a grocery store now? Looks like he needs a good job. Also looks like the gf is fed up after 4 years. She needs to move on, and start searching for a better future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 No offense to your brother, but how could he hope to support a wife and baby, if he doesn't make enough to even rent an apartment for the two of them? How could he even buy a ring? Does he have health care, so that if his gf gets pregnant, she will have decent prenatal and delivery care? You say he graduated college? What was his major, that he has to work in a grocery store now? Looks like he needs a good job. Also looks like the gf is fed up after 4 years. She needs to move on, and start searching for a better future. He received a Bachelor of Science in Psychology from a UC here in a CA. I haven't talked to my B-I-L about what's going on, but he used to be more ambitious until he got together with his girlfriend. He just doesn't have a whole of ambition to do better. Pinksugar has told him to look into office jobs but he said that was too boring. (It pays waaay better though!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 No offense to your brother, but how could he hope to support a wife and baby, if he doesn't make enough to even rent an apartment for the two of them? How could he even buy a ring? Does he have health care, so that if his gf gets pregnant, she will have decent prenatal and delivery care? You say he graduated college? What was his major, that he has to work in a grocery store now? Looks like he needs a good job. Also looks like the gf is fed up after 4 years. She needs to move on, and start searching for a better future. He doesn't have any health insurance either. His girlfriend does. She goes through a lot of jobs and she finally landed something full time, but she only makes $1 more an hour than my brother does. He also works full time, but really he should have a much better job for someone with a college degree. She didn't go to school or anything, so neither of them are financially settled, but with the way she was raised, the man is the primary financial provider, so she doesn't feel she needs a better job or income before having kids. And my brother cannot do it nor does he want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Your brother sounds like he's in a rut of sorts. It may also be related to graduating in a field that has little practicality during a crysis [ppl can't afford stuff like this when they can't put food on the table]. But no matter how much in the wrong he is [and he is a little], this girl doesn't sound good : - manipulative - she gets GIGS and instead of trying to figure it out [for real] decides to act on it - is pretty clear about wanting to be a SAHM with him working his ass off The way he has been acting towards 'winning her back' is also bad, and you know it, as you know of 'the 180'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Your brother sounds like he's in a rut of sorts. It may also be related to graduating in a field that has little practicality during a crysis [ppl can't afford stuff like this when they can't put food on the table]. But no matter how much in the wrong he is [and he is a little], this girl doesn't sound good : - manipulative - she gets GIGS and instead of trying to figure it out [for real] decides to act on it - is pretty clear about wanting to be a SAHM with him working his ass off The way he has been acting towards 'winning her back' is also bad, and you know it, as you know of 'the 180'. I probably should know this, but what does GIGS stand for? I definitely agree with the points made above. He thinks they can still work things out, but I think the relationship is beyond repair at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) Grass is Greener Syndrome. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome Her breakup reasons sound a bit too valid for GIGS but the way it all happened was pure GIGS. I'm talking about moving out and looking at other guys, finding emotional alternatives. Women tend to not leave unless they have something set-up, and when they do ... they are pretty much set on leaving [they thought about it for a while]. While she was with him, this guy at work was the backup. While she left [immediately after], she used the guy at work as emotional primary and your brother as the backup [backburner]. I suspect things didn't work out with the guy at work, or she realised there are impediments so now she is trying to make your brother be the primary, but she in very strong terms told him that this guy at work will continue to be backup [the going for coffee part]. She is in effect making sure she has options. Maybe she is truly afraid she is growing older, maybe she is upset with him ... i don't know. But what i do know is : - someone who plays this backup/primary game is not someone who takes a relationship seriously [always has a foot out the door and is all about 'me'] - he cannot support a family - he has more options than her; if he pulls himself out of this rut and does some practice untill ppl recover from this crysis he will be raking in the money ... as ppl will come to solve their crysis problem to his field - he has more romantic options than her - he will not be wearing the pants in his relationship and most women want the man to wear the pants - this girl's primary goal in life is to have kids; i don't think it matters to her that much with who as long as he has money and won't do something bad to her; these women are the kind that our mom's warn us about. It's basically a bad deal for him, and her ... Edited January 14, 2013 by Radu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lostfairytales Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 This relationship sounds beyond repair. When a woman makes up her mind to leave a long-term relationship, she usually will never return because she's already completely made up her mind. I also don't like the sound of this woman, as she made it clear that her goal in the relationship was to have a family and children, not have a family and children with your brother. Her breakup reasons do seem pretty valid, however. She and your brother have completely different interests. If your brother can't make enough money to support himself and get his own place to live, there's no way he would be able to give the girl her dream of a family and children, even if he wanted to make that dream of hers come true. Also, if I were engaged with someone for a year without a ring, I would probably leave too. Not to be mean to your brother. Also, she already seems to have found someone else. The chances of your brother and her getting back together are very slim if she manipulates him and already has found someone else. Her goals are set on marriage, not marriage with your brother now. This changes the entire situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Apparently she is back now and my brother says "they've worked things out". Well, there's only so much we can do, but apparently he likes to put up with doubt. She's also a huge drama queen. We never know which mood she'll be in when we visit. She's even called my brother a d-bag when my parents have visited and walked in without so much as a "hi" and hidden in her room. They also both hate each others families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pink_sugar Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 So apparently, one day after they supposedly worked things out...my brother decided to jump onto her cell phone family plan and buy her a ring. Needless to say my whole family is upset about it. Hopefully it won't lead to a messy divorce by the time they have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 I'd drop that person, in one hot minute. Link to post Share on other sites
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