My anti-gay Mother

[jaykayelle]

I have been a lesbian since 21. I finally 'came out' to my parents late last year. I know I waited a long time, but I am engaged to a woman, and I felt that they should know before me and her get married. To my surprise, my Dad is accepting, and met her over the past Christmas holiday. My Mom, however, wasn't so welcoming. She told me that "God didn't make me that way."- and she has never met my gf. Also, my parents are divorced, so my Dad isn't in a situation to talk to my Mom.

 

I'm 29 years old, and live alone. I make a decent living, and have decided to look for a house to buy. I'm ready to create a home for me and my soon to be wife. Meanwhile, my Mom is struggling to maintain her mortgage and car payments (which is the car that I co-signed to help her get.. she basically made me feel sorry and obligated to help her get the car since her's was repo'd), and last night, she dropped a bomb on me.

 

I live an hour away from her, and she called me to tell me that her tube tv in her bedroom went out. I have a flatscreen that I no longer use, so I drove to her house to give it to her and help her set it up. While doing all of this, she first got upset with me because I was answering text messages from my gf. "Is that that girl you're talking to?", she asked.

Then, she said, "I was thinking.. I know your lease is up, and I know someone that wants to rent this house and catch up the mortgage payments for me. I was thinking that me and you can get a bigger house together, and live together for a few years.. we can save up money and then go our separate ways. I probably won't be able to get a house all by myself, because my credit is shot... maybe your credit isn't as bad as mine." I was thrown off guard.

 

I cannot bring myself to tell my Mom that I'm looking for a house.. She'll guilt trip me- saying that she's struggling to keep hers and that I don't give a sh*t about helping her keep it.

 

My mom mentally and emotionally abused me when I was a child. I've seen her have an affair with a married man for 20 years.. even after is wife found out and literally stalked Mom, me and my younger brother.. and she still sees the married man up to this very day. When I lived with her while I was in-between jobs a couple of years ago, it was pure HELL. She'd be mad if I stayed out past 2am, and often gave me the cold shoulder... not speaking to me for days. She was even mad when I went out for New Years Eve!! When I moved into my own apartment, she didn't call me for 2 months.. and not even on my birthday.

 

I love my Mom, but cannot live with her again. I do as much as I can for her, but from a distance. Now that I have a life and want to be with my girl, how can I get her to see that I just want her to accept my life and let me be?

 

Sorry for the long thread.. needed to vent.

[Radu]

Options :

- cut off all contact with her.

What you said of her is nothing but red flags, literally scary stuff.

- tell her you cannot afford to buy a house now.

You have trouble at work and you might end up unemployed in your very competitive field; you might also need to move if that happens.

In the meantime, do not buy a house, find a very cheap place to live and live with her [the 'gf'].

Tell your dad [he doesn't sound enablerish so unlikey he will tell her] about this as well.

Stay like that for a while, untill she moves on/gets the hint/finds someone to support her.

 

Personally i'd go with 2nd, i'd feel very guilty for going with the 1st one.

 

I'd also start participating in some form of recovery program for ppl who had abusive parents.

One cheap program is to keep reading the Abuse section here on LS.

[jaykayelle]

Options :

- cut off all contact with her.

What you said of her is nothing but red flags, literally scary stuff.

- tell her you cannot afford to buy a house now.

You have trouble at work and you might end up unemployed in your very competitive field; you might also need to move if that happens.

In the meantime, do not buy a house, find a very cheap place to live and live with her [the 'gf'].

Tell your dad [he doesn't sound enablerish so unlikey he will tell her] about this as well.

Stay like that for a while, untill she moves on/gets the hint/finds someone to support her.

 

Personally i'd go with 2nd, i'd feel very guilty for going with the 1st one.

 

I'd also start participating in some form of recovery program for ppl who had abusive parents.

One cheap program is to keep reading the Abuse section here on LS.

 

 

Very good advice, thank you. I've never thought about attending a recovery program. I will look into it. It's needed. I feel that even up to this day, my Mother has manipulated me, and I've never lived my life because of her disapproval of everything I've worked so hard for.

 

A couple of things that I worry about:

1. If I tell her something she doesn't want to hear or cut off contact with her, I fear that she'll stop making the payments on the car I co-signed for. The bank told us that if she can keep up the payments for a year on time, and without my help, they'll refinance and take my name off as a co-signer. We have 4 months left before we can do so.

 

2. I've already signed a contract on a house that I've looked into. I've put a lot of effort into looking for this place, and I really don't want to back out of it now.

 

3. My current landlord really wants his apartment back for his family.. and I've already told him about the house I plan on moving into. So I have to move soon, either way it goes. I did the wrong thing of blabbing to my Mom about the landlord situation.

[Nyla]

Your mother's abuse has made you vulnerable to her manipulative tactics. You need to attend therapy to learn how to have stronger boundaries, since those have been trampled on by your mother. I used to have weak boundaries too, until I sought help for the abuse I suffered.

 

I know this because my mother was abusive and before she realized that she had to treat me with respect to have me around, she used all kinds of guilt tripping as well. I am my mother's only child who sees her for what she is and does not allow her to control my life or my mind.

 

Have minimal contact with your mother and if she asks you for any more favors, make sure you have reasons why you cannot help her. Cosigning on a car for your mother was a very foolish thing to do because that means your mother has something she can hurt you with. You cannot give these types any ammo and that includes information about your life. I hope this situation exhibits why you cannot tell your mother anything too personal and important.

 

My mother knows very little about my personal life. I will talk to her about bland topics but she knows nothing about my finances or my marriage except happy stuff. I don't want the whole world to know my business and I don't want my mother to use what I have told her against me.

 

Listen to Radu. He has given a very smart idea. Is there anyway you can break your contract?

 

I'm sorry that your mother is not accepting of your sexuality. Even if she doesn't agree with it, you are still her child and she should love you no matter what.

Edited January 14, 2013 by Nyla

[jaykayelle]

 

Have minimal contact with your mother and if she asks you for any more favors, make sure you have reasons why you cannot help her. Cosigning on a car for your mother was a very foolish thing to do because that means your mother has something she can hurt you with. You cannot give these types any ammo and that includes information about your life. I hope this situation exhibits why you cannot tell your mother anything too personal and important.

 

My mother knows very little about my personal life. I will talk to her about bland topics but she knows nothing about my finances or my marriage except happy stuff. I don't want the whole world to know my business and I don't want my mother to use what I have told her against me.

 

Listen to Radu. He has given a very smart idea. Is there anyway you can break your contract?

 

I'm sorry that your mother is not accepting of your sexuality. Even if she doesn't agree with it, you are still her child and she should love you no matter what.

 

 

More good advice! Thank you.

 

I have (in recent months) had not as much contact with my Mom as I used to, because of her negative attitude and "if I were you" and "I told you so" remarks. I already inquired with the bank about taking my name off the contract, and they cannot honor my request until these last 4 months past, and without any late payments.

 

I don't talk to my Mom about intimate details about my life... matter of fact, when she talks about her bills, I usually answer with, "I'm having that same problem." I don't want her to know that I'm more financially stable than she is... that'll just fuel her even more.

 

I am really excited about finding a good therapist to talk to about the things my Mom has put me through.

[Sugarkane]

I can kind of relate my dad is also very anti gay and makes remarkes. Even though one of my friends is gay.

[pcplod]

Time to start living life for yourself and stop trying to please your abusive and possessive and possibly narcissistic mother. Guest what? You have found out that your mother, the one person you were supposed to be able to look up to is less of the sort of person you were led to believe that she was supposed to be. Guess what? That is normal, pretty typical. It is so normal that as far as my mother is concerned I don't even think about it. I still am friendly with her, but if she starts anything which I think is nonsense I calmly but firmly put her in her place. Guess what? She accepts it. She has no choice. And your mother will be no different. She can still be your mother but she no longer has a role in mothering you and you no longer have a role in being mothered by her as her daughter. You are not a child, you are a grown woman who will succeed or fall by her own standards and efforts. You don't necessarily need to cut her off unless she proves to be impossible but you need to assert yourself. You need to assert your individuality with everyone, not just your mother, but starting with your mother would be as good a place as any to start.