Need some advice

[Suzy]

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. He's from another country and was dating someone from home for 5 years (2 of their 5 yrs were long distance) when we first met. He and I became friends (just friends) and we hung out all the time. We became incredibly close, and over a period of 6 mo., one day I realized I was falling in love with him. He was everything I wanted in a man, sweet, honest, caring, intelligent, fun, supportive of my career. We even closed a restaurant one time, cause the convo. was so great. I told him how I felt, and he didn't know what to say. We didn't talk for a couple of days, but finally he told me he was feeling the same, but didn't know how to end things with his 5 year girlfriend. He cared for her and didn't want to hurt her, although their relationship was already starting to suffer and according to him, they were fighting a lot. He even extended his stay here in the US for another year, so he could stay with me. Finally after being the other woman for 3 mo., I gave him a choice, me or her. After a couple of days, he chose me, and ended it with her. It was really hard on him, and I know how hard it is to break up with a long term. 5/6mo. later (we were incredibly happy during this time) he had to move back to his country, due to his office closing down, and he would no longer have a work visa. I was devistated, and so was he, and he moved back home. He called me everyday at least once, and sometimes 3 times a day or more. He came back to visit 3 weeks later on business, and he's been trying to find companies to hire him, so he can move back with me. He was even excited, because last weekend, he finally met someone who may be able to give him work in the US (he was here visiting me.) Everything seemed wonderful and fine. He told me that he was so in love with me and happier than he's ever been with anyone. Well our 1 yr. aniversary and my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and he's coming over to be with me on my birthday, but can't make it for our anniversary. I said, I don't want to wait another 5 wks to see you it was too hard the first time, how about if I come to visit you because I have a lot of vacation days to use at work. He said No, you shouldn't come over now, the weather here is cold and dreary, why don't you come when the weather is better. I said, it's cold here in the US too, I don't care, I just want to be with you. He said, well, besides the weather, he had to work and couldn't get time off. I said, you have 4 vacation weeks. He says that he has until April to use them, and it was so busy at work he couldn't possibly take any days off, but don't worry, because he would see me in a couple of weeks. Just a couple of days prior to this convo. I was with him and everything seemed wonderful and he has always treated me like gold. I got upset when he said not to come. If he loved me, wouldn't he be excited and happy that he'd be able to see me? I was upset and he knew it, and for the first time, he didn't seemed too concerned. I started wondering if maybe, he didn't want me to visit him, because he was back with his ex, and didn't want me to know he was with her and vice versa. I had asked him the week before if he ever saw or spoke to her. He said when he first moved back she called him and they spoke briefly, but he said it was over and he had no regrets chosing me. He looked me straight in the eye when he said it, and he told me I was the only one for him and loved me. Well anyway, I ended up emailing him and said that "I was thinking about it for a while, and I think we should date other people, cause I think you already are." I told him if he was back with his ex he should be honest with me, and him feeding me lame excuses was a bunch of bull and I refused to be the other woman again. He never called. I sent another email, telling him that his silence was telling me that I was right about my accusations and to please get in touch with me to discuss the issue. He never called or emailed. I finally sent my last email yesturday (and I will send no more), and explained why I was upset and that I didn't want to see anyone else, but could he please be honest and let me know what's going on. I told him if he didn't respond back, I would have to end it myself. I still haven't heard from him. It's been 4 days, and he still hasn't called me. It's not like him. Another thing, I can't call him, because he never gave me his work#, home# or home address. I asked him a month ago why he never gave it to me, he said "You can have it, I just thought I'd be calling you all the time, because I call from work and it's free. He said, he thought he was doing me a favor trying not to run up my phone bills" Then I forgot all about it and never asked for it again. I Can't believe this is happening. This is someone who I really love and truly trusted with my heart and still hope I can trust. Am I overreacting or does it sound suspicious? Is there any other explanation, or is this a typical case of my prince and best friend turning into a frog and feeding me lies? I'm so hurt and confused. Normally I'd run to him, when I'm upset, so it's hard because I can't for this. Is it possible that he's been lying to me the whole time? It seem impossible, but at this point I don't know anymore. Any advice would help.

[Tony T]

There's no real way of knowing exactly how long he has been lying to you, because he is a liar. One thing is for sure, when he got your Email announcing your suspicions he felt caught. You nailed him. You found him out.

 

This was a pretty easy one to crack. I mean this is first grade stuff here. When he was not excited about you coming to visit...and kept discouraging you from coming to see him...that was a total and complete giveaway. He showed his complete ass right there. That was the clincher. Everything else from that point is just minor additional evidence.

 

In the United States, men who don't give ladies their phone number do it for one reason only. There's a lady that might be at their place or even answer and they don't want that to happen. Sometimes men don't give out their work number because they aren't permitted to take calls...but if they are being honest with you, they will give you their home number.

 

I am very sorry this happened to you. It is highly unlikely you will ever hear from him again. If you do, the conversation will be very awkward. The only thing he can do is lie to you. Maybe he will tell you he's been in the hospital with some rare disease. But then when you tell him you're going to rush to see him and take care of him, he will tell you not to because he is quaranteened because he is contagious or some crap like that.

 

There is no good reason to have further contact with a liar like this. NONE AT ALL. Cut your losses and move on. I know the pain will slice deep into your soul but the human spirit is resilient and you will survive and be stronger for this.

 

I would write more but I'm in a daze from reading your post. No paragraphs, no indentions, no double spaces, just one very large glob of gray type. I think I need medicine. Please don't take offense but I have a terrible headache.

 

I am sorry this didn't work out better for you.

[Fire]

Were you alseep not to suspect something strange right away with the fact that he never gave you his address or telephone numbers!?!!!!??

 

How could you not have been insulted with the fact that he didn't give you this information? I would have been really angry if a guy didn't give me his phone number or address.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh, but the bastard is obviously playing around with you. Where is he from? Russia? Sounds like that to me.

 

If you can just walk away from this and end it on your own, I admire you, but if this were ME, I'd want to get right down to the bottom of this. I'd hire a private detective to spy on him, collect all information necessary about his lies, then, unexpectedly spring it on him!

[Fire]

I'm fluent in French, Italian, German, Polish, Russian and a bit of Hebrew.

 

if you need me, just yell out "Aiuta, au secours, Hilf, Retten, Na pomoc..."

[Rachel the 2nd (formerly Rachel)]

Will you be my spy?

 

Excellent working conditions.

I'm fluent in French, Italian, German, Polish, Russian and a bit of Hebrew. if you need me, just yell out "Aiuta, au secours, Hilf, Retten, Na pomoc..."

[Suzy]

Thank you all for your responses. I did hear from him finally, 1hour after I sent in my posting. He was at a conference Thurs - Sat. and didn't even know I was feeling this way (he never got my emails). He called my home on Thurs. night to tell me he was going to be gone, and my roommate forgot to give me the message. It turned out he was planning a surprise trip for the two of us (for our 1 year anniversary). He was in on it with my Boss and mother, that's why he said he didn't want me to go there, he was coming here, and wanted to surprise me. I was wondering why my mother wasn't being sympatheic about my pain.

 

I also told him to give me all of his phone numbers and his home address, which he did very willingly (Got them all - even his cell#). He said the only reason he'd never given it to me before, is because he can call me for free, and he thought it would keep my phone costs down to nothing.

 

Also, I'm sorry about your heads. When I'm upset, I tend not to indent and I just babble on.

 

P.S. If in the future, I do need a spy, (he speaks English, because he's from England), you'll be the first to know.

 

Thanks again everyone for all your help.