werty Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 its been quite a long time. shes playing a very hard game on you. dont condem urself. shes just one person adding more injury to ur life... leave her, get her out of your mind.. shes nothing.. u wont go nowhere thinking of just this one person who is just not thinking about you.... Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Jerry I think you are an idiot. I actually think YOU are a bigger headcase than that girl you always rant about. Get a life buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 18, 2004 Author Share Posted September 18, 2004 J Nelson: Thank you for your constructive opinion. You must be a male, to call people "idiots" and a headcase. That sounds like an insult a male would make. IF you are so mentally together, and have all the right answers...why are you on here? I am not an idiot. I am someone who is in love with a woman who has a LOT of issues...and I want to try to fix them, and I can't. I am also in love with a woman who I happen to think is making a big mistake... And I am having trouble with it...does that make me an idiot? Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Yes I am a male. Very good guess Jerry. "IF you are so mentally together, and have all the right answers...why are you on here?" Listen buddy, I don't claim to have all the right answers. What I do know though, is countless numbers of people have told you OVER and OVER again what you need to do and you keep coming on and posting your stupid story and telling everyone about every damn conversation you have with this biatch. Why do you insist on coming on here and asking for advice if you NEVER EVER follow it? Does that make sense? I am pretty sure it defeats the whole purpose of this site. I recently read a post someone made about you...how they left for 4 months but came back to see if you had changed at all and actually followed any advice. I think we all know what the answer is to that. This is why I called you an idiot. You have no sense of reality and you are living in a fantasy right now. This girl is psycho and she's making you psycho too. I, like you, came on here for advice. However, unlike you, I decided to follow the advice I was given and I am doing no contact. It's not a hard concept. Maybe you could actually DO IT. "I am someone who is in love with a woman who has a LOT of issues...and I want to try to fix them, and I can't. I am also in love with a woman who I happen to think is making a big mistake... And I am having trouble with it...does that make me an idiot?" She has more than a LOT of issues...how about infinite...guess what buddy, this is your problem - " I want to try and fix them"...You can't...you even admitted you can't..so WHY the hell do you keep trying. Can't you see the best thing for both of you is to leave each other alone for a bit. Take some time off from this soap opera and use to to make yourself a MAN...time to grow some balls. I think you are an idiot because (as I mentioned earlier) hundreds of people have given you their opinion on what it is you should do....and you continue to ignore it and post more and more of this bullsh*t.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 18, 2004 Author Share Posted September 18, 2004 No problem Mr. Nelson. I have posted my last post here. Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 Ya Right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 18, 2004 Author Share Posted September 18, 2004 I can see why a woman wouldn't want to be with you, you antagonistic SOB. So, yeah, it wasn't my last post. It was my last post asking for help... When I am lonely and depressed later, I try to remember your thoughts...before I crash my car into a tree...because now total strangers are calling me an idiot, and a headcase. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 jerry, she has problems? You can't go 3 hours without freaking out. Everyone has explained "no contact" to you and you still have no clue what it means nor do you make any effort to practice it. Yet you continue to quote that you are. If this isn't just a very tedious put-on, then you need to take a vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
emra Posted September 18, 2004 Share Posted September 18, 2004 I think you are a bit obsessed over your ex. I don't know that I think you love her or you want to own her. It sounds to me from what I am getting out of all of this is, she is trying to be your friend, she has a lot of male issues. I see that. However, every time she talks to you , you take it and run with it. Because she talks to you does not mean she wants to be with you. She needs you to be a friend. And you WANT her to be more then a friend and the fact that she is not that person to you, is driving you crazy. Everyone of us has issues. No one is perfect. After 2 years, honey and you are still this into this relationship when clearly she has moved on over and over again and you are still seeking to be the one. You said you had an emotional upbringing. Is that why you feel you need to "fix her" so you can try to "fix yourself" Life isn't like that. She can only fix herself. And you can only fix yourself. I feel very bad for you that you can't seem to get yourself over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 19, 2004 Author Share Posted September 19, 2004 I think she has spent a good part of those two years sending me some mixed messages. "I think I am falling in love with you" I think that statement is pretty clear. But within a day or two after that...she did her best to back away from that... But I agree, I am way to focused on her. Considering the last thing she told me was she never wants to speak to me and she hated me....because I told her I thought they were moving too fast. So backing off doesn't seem to be a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
netrie Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 hi, Jerry I am a female but I need to ask you, ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH HER? She is playing a real head trip on you. Stop doing this to yourself. CODA is for co-dependents. YOu can join a group for FREE. Research online and find out if there is a CODA group in your area. I went to one for a few months during my personal stress. Listen, this is your problem----you are hurting. She is out having FUN or living life at least... Netalia Link to post Share on other sites
backspn Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 You are gonna ruin everything you have built with her. You need to not contact her anymore if you want to salvage her at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 19, 2004 Author Share Posted September 19, 2004 No I am not being intimate with her. I agree about the codependency. I guess that is what bothers me about their age difference. She is 35, he is 54. She has been working there for almost a year. They have been "seeing" each other for about a month and a half. They have gone from friends having lunch, and a couple of dinners together in the end of August, to now she is saying they are going on a romantic trip at the end of September, and when they get back, he is going to ask her father if it is ok to marry his daughter (her father is two years younger.) My concern is twofold, the twenty year age difference, and the super fast speed that they are moving at. I made the mistake of accusing her of looking for a father figure...and she about lost her mind. I then mentioned that someone his age knew all the right things to do and say...and that statement made her equally agitated. My dad is 64, and says something is odd there...but he doesn't know what it is, and neither do I...and even if I did know... I am not in the position to help her, as an ex. I think my issues are wanting her back, but I think I am equally "fueled" if you will, because I think she is making a mistake. When I ask her why him, she is says she can't put her finger on it...but she does know they have a good time together, they have similar interests (literature, foreign films, he is even taking her to the opera.) But I ask her if she loves him, and she says yes (back on September 9th, she didn't know for sure...) Her teenage daughter gives her approval...because "he makes her mom happy." I asked her if there is an attraction physically there...she hesitated, and said yes. But then again, 3 nights ago, she told me she was still attracted to me... I am really troubled...for her, for us as friends...I don't want to see her hurt..but I know my hands are tied. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 you know...a person may say things to imply or even blatantly admit that they still love you and what not but that does not mean they have any intentions of seeing it through.... it's easy to say stuffs but to actually do it is a whole different issue... i think that's the problem a lot of us on this board has...our exes seem to still be interested in us but they are not doing anything or doing enough to make things happen again... ok she may still have feelings for you, but that does not mean she wants to be with you... that's the case for me....my ex actually told me he still loves me and wants to be with me, but i dun see him doing anything to make it happen....what do i do? i can hang around and keep questioning his actions, but where does this leave me? no where... i think if he still loves me after all this time he is making a mistake by still continuing with his cuurrent gf, but i can't make him leave her if he does not want to. and how much does ur ex really mean what she said, you never know. only actions can prove the words and if you dun see any action done, there u dunno if she meant it anyway... so just take whatever they say with a pinch of salt unless they back up with action... my ex jus called me "his wife" today...so you can imagine how confused he is making me but im not about to go hound him down just because of that. so if after two yrs being her friend is not working in getting her back..maybe it;s time to change ur strategy.you are in no position to say she is making a mistake in marrying the guy.she is an adult she can think for herself.and if she is reallie making a mistake let her make it and learn from it.you gotta think for urself.if she really does get married are u still going to stick around her like u are now?maybe u shld change ur number so she cannot get u and you will not be tempted to answer her calls too.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ammachi Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 Run -- don't walk, run -- out and get these two books: Obsessive Love: When it Hurts Too Much to Let Go by Susan Forward How to Break Your Addiction to a Person (When -- and Why -- Love Doesn't Work...) by Howard M. Halpern In addition to giving scores of examples and explaining the why's and how's they give step-by-step instructions for taming your obsession. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 you know, your making her problem like your problem. she is HERSELF now. no matter what you do, no matter they will do, your out of it. no matter how wrong you see it, it is HER happiness that shes after, not yours... even if she will matter this person, have kids, have a lousy life, its still her life.. why? would people be blaming you for her sick life? definetely NO!!! be happy you are urself rightnow, why? because you can choose other people who cares for you.. now if you still talk stories and never listen to us here, then ur better being just alone.. u dont nid anyone. you just want what u cant get... ur sick for hurting unnecesarily while she makes all the fun she can while twisting your mind... she has made her choice... now make your... be pathetic all your life, or try to find your own happiness.... thats it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jerryinva Posted September 19, 2004 Author Share Posted September 19, 2004 Very thought filled post...thank you. I will tell you this...although she has told me she never wants to speak to me again...and she may mean it this time...if she doesn't... I can tell you, I know she is afraid of losing me as a friend over this...she may act like she wouldn't care...but I don't believe that. But, I would have to back away...quite a ways, if she got married. Link to post Share on other sites
wasitheone Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 Hey Jerry, This is what your going to do. Book yourself a vacation to Vegas. Go out gambling, drinking and generally have a good time (beauty of Vegas is you don't have to do things as couples). Get into a few adventures - hell get arrested. And the reason for all this? When she calls you again you will have something to talk about that doesn't revolve around her. It will make her realize the world doesn't revolve around her. I know its hard man and I know you cannot do No Contact. But part of the NC is to go out and enjoy yourself if only to have other things to talk about. P.S. If you stay in the Luxor get a room in the tower as I always bang my head on the windows in the pyramid!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 How about you follow up on what you said and not post anymore...or how about you follow up and what people are telling you and not contact her...or how about.... Link to post Share on other sites
emra Posted September 19, 2004 Share Posted September 19, 2004 Originally posted by jerryinva No I am not being intimate with her. I agree about the codependency. I guess that is what bothers me about their age difference. She is 35, he is 54. She has been working there for almost a year. They have been "seeing" each other for about a month and a half. They have gone from friends having lunch, and a couple of dinners together in the end of August, to now she is saying they are going on a romantic trip at the end of September, and when they get back, he is going to ask her father if it is ok to marry his daughter (her father is two years younger.) My concern is twofold, the twenty year age difference, and the super fast speed that they are moving at. I made the mistake of accusing her of looking for a father figure...and she about lost her mind. I then mentioned that someone his age knew all the right things to do and say...and that statement made her equally agitated. My dad is 64, and says something is odd there...but he doesn't know what it is, and neither do I...and even if I did know... I am not in the position to help her, as an ex. I think my issues are wanting her back, but I think I am equally "fueled" if you will, because I think she is making a mistake. When I ask her why him, she is says she can't put her finger on it...but she does know they have a good time together, they have similar interests (literature, foreign films, he is even taking her to the opera.) But I ask her if she loves him, and she says yes (back on September 9th, she didn't know for sure...) Her teenage daughter gives her approval...because "he makes her mom happy." I asked her if there is an attraction physically there...she hesitated, and said yes. But then again, 3 nights ago, she told me she was still attracted to me... I am really troubled...for her, for us as friends...I don't want to see her hurt..but I know my hands are tied. 1st off, love has no age limit. I am with someone who is 14 years older then me. If she is comfortable with where she is and he is too, there is no problem. The rate they are moving, is really none of your business, you two have not been together for 2 years. The man I am seeing, it is going on 8 months. From our 3rd date, we have lived together, because, there was just something there that I feel in love with right away. Maybe hers isn't that. But it is not your place to say whether it is right or not. As for him knowing all the right things to say. I am pretty sure with her being 35, she knows all the right things to say too. She does not seem dependent on men at all. If she is making a mistake, that is HER business. Not yours. She is living her life. You are choosing to continue to live thru her. You have to stop doing that. If her daughter is happy for her, then that says a lot, she is seeing her mom happy right now and that is very important for children to see in their parents. You say you are troubled. I am sorry, but you are doing this to yourself. She is not with you. What she does, with whom she chooses to do it and where is none of your business. Ask yourself if you really know who you are? Because, I would bet that besides your name, everything else would be associated with anything and everything to do with your ex. That is not good. You have to let go. You need to figure out, that friends or not, you are not together. Mixed signals, whatever, you are allowing those things to control your life and you are obsessing over something you can not change. You are going to fall so hard and I don't know if you keep this up that you will every get back on your feet. Link to post Share on other sites
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