whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 He has hugged me in front of her. She obviously feels very comfortable leaving us alone and going to bed, and that alone displays alot of trust. Does that not speak for his character? or is she to naive? What does that say for you and for him, then? If she is naive and is trusting her boyfriend whom she lives with - Yet you two are playing footsies right under her nose. IN their house, while she's upstairs sleeping. Do you not feel bad about this? Should he feel bad about this? Forget the hug, who cares, friends hug friends, kiss on the cheek --- She isn't going to get worked up or jealous about that. What she will get upset and jealous about will be when she realizes you are crushing on her boyfriend and he's acting like sort of single guy by giving you mixed messages and flirting with you. He should know better. Yet, he is intriguing you, making you wonder and possibly allow him to make a move on you. AGAIN, all in their house, on their couch while she sleeps upstairs. How are you going to feel when she catches you two? Will you blame him? Blame yourself? Blame her for being naive and too trusting? Just please stop and give this some thought before you go ahead with him and whatever it is that is happening. I am blunt, but I do care - Don't make a huge mistake and ruin friendships, ruin "you" (you might become someone you won't like if help him cheat on his gf) and your self respect. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 But, you and her think alike. So I would assume you see nothing wrong with her need for attention. You don't even know "us" lol. Are you an internet psychologist? or a real one? I'm curious to know... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Exactly. This was my thinking at first- you have digged into the cortexes of my brainwaves. nothing is permanent. I mean why did he come into my life all of the sudden? Everything is a lesson and a reason. It doesnt always have to be negative. Just because he came into your life, doesn't mean something has to happen between you two. Maybe the lesson is, inner strength. Respecting other persons relationship status, even if they don't. The test could be how you handle all this and what path you choose. Nothing is permanent, but that doesn't give you the right to help yourself to someone elses boyfriend, in their house when the gf is asleep. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Just because he came into your life, doesn't mean something has to happen between you two. Maybe the lesson is, inner strength. Respecting other persons relationship status, even if they don't. The test could be how you handle all this and what path you choose. Nothing is permanent, but that doesn't give you the right to help yourself to someone elses boyfriend, in their house when the gf is asleep. I know nothing has to happen. Nothing ever does right? i was the first the recognize there is most likely a lesson at hand. That is my intuition anyways. I would never dream of doing that in her home. i only mentioned she was sleeping to highlight the fact that she was not around when this was taking place. Staying over is no longer a good idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 THAT EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING. And why I don't wanto be that person. Because they have let me in they're home and they're circle. It would be pure disrespect and low, nothing but. I will let go of the ego and completely erase those attraction factors from mind. ok this has been the most enlightening post by far yet, TY <3 It's OK to crush on him..Enjoy it. Just don't let anything happen and don't get attached. Maybe next time spend more time getting to know his girlfriend instead of hanging out with him. She will eventually notice that you spend more time with him than her, and she'll wonder what is up. Women notice this stuff amongst friends and maybe the other friends will notice too and say something to her. Thanks for really reading my words and thoughts. glad it's helped you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Maybe we have it all wrong. Perhaps the the original poster (OP) came here to get ideas on the guy.- BINGO Is he planning to leve his GF?- He was supposed to propose on new years and didnt. Guess time will tell. THey seem comfy. Could this guy leave the GF for the OP?- Probably not. What are her chances?- What are his? She has admitted she was once the OW and did nit enjoy the position.-check. So I suspect, she is looking advice as to how she could develop a relationship with this man.- check, check. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Maybe we have it all wrong. Perhaps the the original poster (OP) came here to get ideas on the guy. Is he planning to leve his GF? Could this guy leave the GF for the OP? What are her chances? She has admitted she was once the OW and did nit enjoy the position. So I suspect, she is looking advice as to how she could develop a relationship with this man. No one knows all of those particulars but her, but it sure didn't stop the rank speculation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 No, I am not a psyh. But you need IC very badly. I can also spot a woman that thrives on attention and validation a mile away. That is my specialty.:laugh: Seriously you exhibit of the signs and symptoms of being OW material. An evaluation by a psych may be quite useful. I know it sounds like I am talking down to you, but your post is a classic. How old re you? Please tells us about your prior OW experience. Didn't think so. Guess what? i am in IC pretty sure any man can spot an insecure woman. it reeks a mile away. I knew it would be labelled as a common question "is he into me" but this one is a liiittttllleee dif. i am 26 and also a mother. I prefer not to share details of OW , other than it disgraced me. Affects self esteem badly, its a win-loose situation. It hurts people- I don't like to hurt people (unless they hurt me first). I witnessed infidelity in my home as a child as well. I don't respect cheaters. In fact i strongly dislike players, which is strange that i have been attracted to them in my past without realizing it. (but not really strange, expected) Recently hit a breakthrough- or so I thought. It's an inferiority complex quite evidently. i have also played the role of having another Man. It is how I reacted to being hurt- to be spiteful- even though in the root of my heart i don't believe in cheating. Sometimes i feel jealous that others get to be happy- the old me would have liked to sabotage this for them. The new me sees this demon and battles with it. I still find myself somewhat attracted to the magnetism of it all. Mix that with all the internal issues he has and KABOOM- ok now ATTACK lol Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Didn't think so. Guess what? i am in IC pretty sure any man can spot an insecure woman. it reeks a mile away. I knew it would be labelled as a common question "is he into me" but this one is a liiittttllleee dif. i am 26 and also a mother. I prefer not to share details of OW , other than it disgraced me. Affects self esteem badly, its a win-loose situation. It hurts people- I don't like to hurt people (unless they hurt me first). I witnessed infidelity in my home as a child as well. I don't respect cheaters. In fact i strongly dislike players, which is strange that i have been attracted to them in my past without realizing it. (but not really strange, expected) Recently hit a breakthrough- or so I thought. It's an inferiority complex quite evidently. i have also played the role of having another Man. It is how I reacted to being hurt- to be spiteful- even though in the root of my heart i don't believe in cheating. Sometimes i feel jealous that others get to be happy- the old me would have liked to sabotage this for them. The new me sees this demon and battles with it. I still find myself somewhat attracted to the magnetism of it all. Mix that with all the internal issues he has and KABOOM- ok now ATTACK lol There is nothing wrong with IC. It can be a very valuable tool when one decides to look at themselves deeply. It is by far one of the most empowering experiences I have ever had. The realization of the small things that affect my choices without being consciously aware of them or the triggers for behaviors that have caused issues in the past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Didn't think so. Guess what? i am in IC pretty sure any man can spot an insecure woman. it reeks a mile away. I knew it would be labelled as a common question "is he into me" but this one is a liiittttllleee dif. i am 26 and also a mother. I prefer not to share details of OW , other than it disgraced me. Affects self esteem badly, its a win-loose situation. It hurts people- I don't like to hurt people (unless they hurt me first). I witnessed infidelity in my home as a child as well. I don't respect cheaters. In fact i strongly dislike players, which is strange that i have been attracted to them in my past without realizing it. (but not really strange, expected) Recently hit a breakthrough- or so I thought. It's an inferiority complex quite evidently. i have also played the role of having another Man. It is how I reacted to being hurt- to be spiteful- even though in the root of my heart i don't believe in cheating. Sometimes i feel jealous that others get to be happy- the old me would have liked to sabotage this for them. The new me sees this demon and battles with it. I still find myself somewhat attracted to the magnetism of it all. Mix that with all the internal issues he has and KABOOM- ok now ATTACK lol No attack. it's honest. you're being honest. And, with the help of counseling you can fight this and not give in, fight that demon and what it represents. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 There is nothing wrong with IC. It can be a very valuable tool when one decides to look at themselves deeply. It is by far one of the most empowering experiences I have ever had. The realization of the small things that affect my choices without being consciously aware of them or the triggers for behaviors that have caused issues in the past. True. Everybody need therapy at some point in their lives and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Whether the reasons are from someone's past, childhood, infidelity, mental health issues, death of a child, a parent, a spouse or another loved one/friend - It's OK to get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 I am glad we finally got your point. I suggest you move out. It would be poor form to do something with this man while you are a guest in their home. Ask the guy what is going on. Tell him you would be open for a relationship if he was single. Otherwise, maintain a firm boundary and do not become OW again. Are you flirting with this guy? I dont live there? lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 I dont live there? lol No I don't flirt with him. I have reserved all my thoughts about him to myself. no bodily expression, no words .. nothing. The only people that know , are well all of you now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 look at this perspective from a whole other website.... "Yes, he does like you as a potential mate, and it's possible that he'll end his relationship with his girlfriend pretty soon for you. All of his actions are paving the way towards a fresh new relationship." hahaha. Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleGal Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I haven't read all the posts, but am I the only one who doesn't think "redhead" ought to be lumped in with "lazy eye, crooked teeth, plain jane"? Just sayin'. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 the other woman hey... been down that road. Don't like being that other woman. Its pathetic, and im better than that. mostly just wanting to figure out if im crazy. So its sounds mutally agreed that he is making passes. Just wanto make sure I am not flattering myself...you know how we can make up stories in our heads that suit our ulterior motives. I need advice so i know how to handle such instances and keep the friendship circle pure. However, it is always nice to know that there may be a chance when someone is attracted to you in return. it is just empowering in some odd way. even though you may never ever impose upon anything tangible. Does that make sense? Since you've been down that road, I'm puzzled by your comment of flattering yourself. Either he will cheat or he wont', but I would not interpret his willingness to cheat as flattery as it would be more internal. If he won't cheat then there is no chance until he breaks up with his gf. So what do you want, do you want him to cheat with you? Or do you want him to break up with his gf? Or if he is planning to do neither, but still feels some attraction that he has no intent of ever following up on, you still want to know in order to feel empowered? If the latter, I think you might analyze that a bit and ask if you would be happier if you had the self-confidence to not need reinforcement from committed men showing an attraction to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 look at this perspective from a whole other website.... "Yes, he does like you as a potential mate, and it's possible that he'll end his relationship with his girlfriend pretty soon for you. All of his actions are paving the way towards a fresh new relationship." hahaha. Well, there you go! It's true love after all! Throw caution to the wind and pursue your potential mate. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Vanillaspice; I've read most of the posts and Man have you been raked over the coals! I don't Disagree w/some of the harsher things said however it is sometimes the harsh things that tend to "stick" in the back of our minds. From my perspective, and reading some of your comments, it sounds like you already Knew the answer to your question/s before you ever came here. A-lot of people do* What some need are different perspectives that help motivate us to make the best decision for our lives and the people around us. It sounds like you have already experienced a-lot in life. That can really skew how we view things can't it?.?. But the good news is you have a large amount of your life ahead of you to make good choices for yourself and your daughter. Always remember that having a child makes you a role model like it or not. When I remember this and look into the eyes of my children, it sometimes (a-lot of times) stops me dead in my tracks of making a poor choice. I love LOVE my kids!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Didn't think so. Guess what? i am in IC pretty sure any man can spot an insecure woman. it reeks a mile away. I knew it would be labelled as a common question "is he into me" but this one is a liiittttllleee dif. i am 26 and also a mother. I prefer not to share details of OW , other than it disgraced me. Affects self esteem badly, its a win-loose situation. It hurts people- I don't like to hurt people (unless they hurt me first). I witnessed infidelity in my home as a child as well. I don't respect cheaters. In fact i strongly dislike players, which is strange that i have been attracted to them in my past without realizing it. (but not really strange, expected) Recently hit a breakthrough- or so I thought. It's an inferiority complex quite evidently. i have also played the role of having another Man. It is how I reacted to being hurt- to be spiteful- even though in the root of my heart i don't believe in cheating. Sometimes i feel jealous that others get to be happy- the old me would have liked to sabotage this for them. The new me sees this demon and battles with it. I still find myself somewhat attracted to the magnetism of it all. Mix that with all the internal issues he has and KABOOM- ok now ATTACK lol I was getting really irritated by this thread until this post. It took you a while to open up but I have respect for you now that you're being honest..and I can see the pain behind the original bravado and defensiveness. Keep fighting, and don't let this guy get to you. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 At this point I'd like to interject that members are directed to remain topical and respectful of the thread starter and moderation will be treating each posting separately with regards to guidelines. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 No I don't think he wants you. He is flattered by the fact that you want him and trust me he can tell. I just think that since you have already been an OW and know the pain caused by this you would be extra cautious to not put yourself in that position. Sleeping over because you are too drunk to drive home sounds like an excuse to be alone with him since you know his gf will go to bed early. The simple solution to that problem would be to not get drunk so you can drive home and be with your child. If you want to be a real friend in this group do not play around with other womens bfs. It makes you look cheap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Since you've been down that road, I'm puzzled by your comment of flattering yourself. Either he will cheat or he wont', but I would not interpret his willingness to cheat as flattery as it would be more internal. If he won't cheat then there is no chance until he breaks up with his gf. So what do you want, do you want him to cheat with you? Or do you want him to break up with his gf? Or if he is planning to do neither, but still feels some attraction that he has no intent of ever following up on, you still want to know in order to feel empowered? If the latter, I think you might analyze that a bit and ask if you would be happier if you had the self-confidence to not need reinforcement from committed men showing an attraction to you. I am not sure what i want from him. All I know is I really like his personality, and i feel magnetically and physically attracted to him. Expectations have not been considered yet. i thought based on what I get form him so far , that- there may be an attraction towards me that will most likely not be followed up upon. In fact, if he did do something to push it further i would be surprised as hell. Of course i would feel happier not needing validation of his interest, but one cant help but wonder if he may feel the same.. or if his intentions are more on the selfish side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 No I don't think he wants you. He is flattered by the fact that you want him and trust me he can tell. I just think that since you have already been an OW and know the pain caused by this you would be extra cautious to not put yourself in that position. Sleeping over because you are too drunk to drive home sounds like an excuse to be alone with him since you know his gf will go to bed early. The simple solution to that problem would be to not get drunk so you can drive home and be with your child. If you want to be a real friend in this group do not play around with other womens bfs. It makes you look cheap. You are right about the sleeping over. I am tottaly not doing it anymore. i will take cab if I have to. Lets see how he reacts to that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 At this point I'd like to interject that members are directed to remain topical and respectful of the thread starter and moderation will be treating each posting separately with regards to guidelines. Thanks. Thank you William <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanillaSpice71 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Where is your child when you are visiting prospective MOM? This is the answer to your initial post and i congratulate you for having the ability to at least write it down. However, you may still be fully capapble of being the OW again. I can tell by the tone of your posts. FOO issues are very strong. You will have the tendency to repeat the history of your family. You really need IC very badly. You were attracted to losers because they gave you external validation and attention. And YOU thrive on attention and validation. Once you are exposed to this you will do anything to get your fix. Please show this entire thread to your counselor. I pray you don't have a "pop psych" that just say things to you to make you feel better. You could have saved all that money and ask me. This is quite evident from your written words. What are you going to do about this? They have intrinsic happiness. They don't need external validation (as you do) to be happy. That is the main difference. if they are happy, why is he acting this way? I'm confused.. however i have always known about my esteem issues. And they stem deep from being emotionally, psychologically and verbally abused for several years in a long term relationship. another thing that made me think he has plans is because he is always talking about the future. And me being in it. we should go camping, we should have cookoff, you should come to EVERYTHING (as in part of the circle) Maybe he really is just being a good friend?? Including himself in my future vision but he STILL has not done anything really questionable. I really dont wanto get carried away about how much of a "dog he is".. and how "stupid I am" cuz it hasn't even gone that way. As far as my child, she is with Family one day a week. Either her Father, my mom or her Aunt. I get one day a week to myself- its a nice break Link to post Share on other sites
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