How to Know

[UsernamesAreHard]

Hi everyone, I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years now, we're both in our late 20s (I'm 27, she's 28), and we've been living together for 3 of those (we were rushed into it by financial circumstances) and we both feel like it's time for me to propose, but I don't feel sure about wanting to spend the rest of my life with her, and it's really worrying me. One day I feel fairly sure, the next, she does something that annoys me or we just don't see eye to eye, and I absolutely don't want that kind of flip-flopping anywhere near my mind if I make the decision to go ahead with it, it wouldn't be fair to her. It doesn't help that I'm normally a pretty indecisive person when it comes to big decisions. People seem to say that if it's a hard decision, don't do it, but I don't know that that applies as much to me since I'm generally a "waffler" and overanalyze things. I really wish I wasn't, but I don't know how not to be.

 

Overall, I'd say our relationship is pretty good - we love each other, are both considerate of each other's needs and support each other (we're very different in many ways - messy vs. neat, dreamer vs. pragmatist, extraverted vs. introverted, creative vs. logical), and are comfortable with each other. I wish we had more lively conversation (we have trouble holding up a single topic of conversation due to some ADD), which bothers me since it oftentimes seems like she suddenly ignores what I said or was waiting for her turn to talk, but it's part of who she is and I don't think she could change it. It's especially bad when we're having sex and her mind gets off topic :-/ Sometimes I think I'd have more fun or a better emotional connection or a better sex life with someone else, or who was just more similar to me. Sometimes I wish I was madly in love, but I've never really experienced that, and I don't know that I could.

 

Any advice? I'd say I'm probably around age 20 in terms of relationship wisdom, so nothing's too obvious. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.

 

EDIT: How do you know that you want to be with someone forever? Is it mostly just because you hate not being with them/can't imagine it, or is it something else? I don't have a very good understanding of or access to my emotional side...

 

EDIT2: I should probably mention that I've been going back and forth on this for months now, and my girlfriend is understandably sick of it, but loves me enough that breaking it off would be really hard for her. I hate to put her through this, but I'd hate making a decision we regret later even more, and I think we have a good relationship, so I'd hate to lose her. It feels bad all around.

Edited January 14, 2013 by UsernamesAreHard

[stevie_23]

To be honest? I don't know. The only thing I can think of is when you're in the early stages of a relationship and you feel that completely consuming "in love" feeling. You never want to be apart from them, you can't get enough of them, they are just the most amazing person and perfect for you.

 

Couples who live together and stay together for several years before getting married, in a practical sense have a better chance of a successful marriage because they know more about the other and nothing much changes once they actually get married, but at the same time, if they DO get married...I have to wonder a little, because if that earlier feeling of totally being SO in love has faded by the time they get married...will they grow bored and feel they're settling really soon after they're married?

 

As much as it sucks to say it, it seems the earlier you get married, the happier and more "sure" you are of the marriage, but at the same time, perhaps there's a lower likelihood of the marriage lasting because of ignorance and not knowing enough about how you interact and can live together long term yet. It's a conundrum.

[UsernamesAreHard]

Thanks for the two cents Stevie! It definitely is a conundrum, though I think that living together before is probably a good thing, as we've ironed out most of the "toilet seat" issues. We were never madly in love, though, it's more like what I read about old marriages being like (though I've also read that some old marriages have strong romantic love). I think it mainly comes from having spent so much time together.

[UsernamesAreHard]

Rereading my OP, I don't think I painted a very representative picture. I think one of the main issues is that oftentimes I don't feel emotionally connected with her, and I'm frequently reluctant to bring up issues because I'm worried it'll hurt her feelings, and I viscerally hate doing that, so I just try to ignore them, but I think that gnaws on my unconsciously and ultimately drives a wedge between us. Every time I let loose with her, I feel much better afterwards and very connected. The problem is that oftentimes I don't even realize I'm doing this. I'd like our relationship to be more frank, open, and simple with a deep understanding between us, but I'm a pretty inside-my-head kind of guy, and I'm not sure how to open up with her to that kind of level :-/

[Lauriebell82]

Those are all things about your girlfriend that you dont like. I could rattle off a bunch about my husband and he could do the same for me. You will find things you dont like about any woman you date. The question that you have to ask yourself is whether or not your love for her overpowers them and that you can you put up with them. Doesnt mean you have to like them.

[Radu]

You really need to fix the communication in that relationship.

[UsernamesAreHard]

You really need to fix the communication in that relationship.

 

I think you're right. I think the problem is mostly with me there. Not sure how long it'll take to do that, though :-/

[Lauriebell82]

I think you're right. I think the problem is mostly with me there. Not sure how long it'll take to do that, though :-/

 

How about premarital counseling? That may help with the communication.

 

I am curious about something, has she ever voiced any kind of dissatisfaction with you or some of your traits? (to you)

[jwi71]

I'm my opinion, you aren't ready for M.

 

And your GF, who appears to be, is and that disconnect is causing problems.

 

I can only wonder if the decision to cohabitant was premature. That is to say, perhaps the R should have met its "natural death" back when you decided, for expedience, to cohabitate. Given that it was premature, ie you wouldn't have moved in otherwise, it is causin the stresses and strains on your R you feel now.

 

I agree with the counseling.

 

If you find yourself focusing on her annoying traits to the point of questioning the future together with the frequency you indicate, you aren't ready.

 

Do NOT get M because you feel you must or to avoid hurting her - you get M because you want to - and it will be a steady and consistent want - not one that waxes and wanes depending upon how annoyed you are. We all get annoyed at our partners but in a healthy R it doesn't lead to questioning the R/M itself.

 

I get annoyed at my W. but I never dream of ending it over that.

 

You do. And that's a huge red flag.

[UsernamesAreHard]

Thanks for the thoughts. She hasn't really voiced many big concerns about my traits, except messiness fairly early on until we found ways to work around that and I shaped up a bit, and about not being a good communicator. For the most part, she just accepts me warts and all.

 

She's definitely ready for marriage. Premarriage counseling seems like a good idea to me, but I think she thinks that stuff takes too long, doesn't produce great results, and we should just work things out ourselves. I'll float the idea, though.

 

I think cohabitation was premature, and I didn't think it through enough at the time. That said, I don't think we would have broken up if we hadn't been living together, but it did mess with the dynamics a bit early on.

[lostfairytales]

I don't believe you are quite ready to marry her yet. There doesn't seem to be too much of a problem if what she does only annoys you every few days or so, but communication is a big problem that must be fixed. It isn't a good sign you focus on her negative traits constantly though.

 

Premarriage counseling is a good idea, and even if she doesn't think it's a good idea, try to convince her to try it. The thing is... If she really wants to marry you, she should probably try it even if she thinks it'll take too long. If she hasn't tried it, how would she know if it doesn't work? From what I hear, trying to work it out yourselves hasn't been very successful.

[Lauriebell82]

For the most part, she just accepts me warts and all.

 

Can you accept her, "warts" and all?

 

If she hasn't tried it, how would she know if it doesn't work? From what I hear, trying to work it out yourselves hasn't been very successful.

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like she is in a hurry to get married, and she feels like counseling is your way of "stalling her." (Which it is)

Edited January 15, 2013 by Lauriebell82

[UsernamesAreHard]

Can you accept her, "warts" and all?

 

 

 

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like she is in a hurry to get married, and she feels like counseling is your way of "stalling her." (Which it is)

 

Yeah, she's feeling biological clock pressure because she wants to have all her kids before she's 33ish, so if this isn't going to pan out she feels she'll be in a time crunch. I'm sure her mom is also being pushy with her about kids, because that's how she is, so that can't be easy on her.

 

For the most part I can, and some of those things are what I miss about her when she's not around, but sometimes they really put a damper on things.

Edited January 16, 2013 by UsernamesAreHard

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm no expert on marriage, but what I notice about marriages is at least from my experience, they don't seem that much different than my long-term relationships as how is a certificate of marriage (is that what the damn thing is called?) going to change the dynamic in a relationship? I can imagine some differences but I've paid close attention to those too, and honestly all I can say is for relationships that are struggling...after marriage it just gets harder. I see no way that a marriage would improve a relationship, IMO it just gets harder...throw kids on it, then bam, that's a definite game-changer and before you know it you're not even together because you love each other anymore, but "for the kids"...because kids love parents who don't give a sh!!t about each other and show it every day!

 

Some people are really whatever about marriage...they're just idealistic and romantic or even practical about it..."I'd like to get marriage at....this age!..oh wait I need to worry about something other than a man/woman?", some feel like they can just take a stab at it without much thought or that's just what life is, one big @ss risk where you can make all the stupidest decisions you want.

 

I am more analytical, and since my parents are divorced and from what I've seen in definitely didn't look "fun"...yadda yadda yadda, where I'm getting at is don't fall into the category of guys who feel pressured just because the heat is being turned up, or because you've been together X amount of time...because trust me, I've talked to many a unhappily married dude, and they are just utterly miserable...when you look into their eyes you see a ghastly figure, one without a soul!

 

If you haven't had the experience of falling in love with someone, then I think this girl is definitely not for you. You guys seems to be ok...hell, I could get along with a lot of women if I wanted to, and marry them because things are "pretty good" but I know deep down I'd feel like I was missing something...something big.

 

I can tell you have issues yourself with commitment though yourself, I'm betting you're not all that ready to be "tied down"...so I don't think this is the time for you or the relationship, I think the only way you're going to find out is by dating other people...the issue with you is since you had little experience you're probably going to break down and come back running, because you've got to have your big boy pants on for the single world...it's not easy for most guys, it's easy for me but that's because I'm experience, understand women, relationships and all that crap...I know what I'm missing and what I'm not, and I know what I have to want to be in a relationship and I know what I want to be single...and I'm not afraid of "being alone forever" or "never finding someone new!" but you, you'd probably high-tail it out of your house a month or so later begging her back...especially if you're not good at talking to women and haven't been apart of the dating world for a while...once you're in a relationship for a number of years, it takes some recalibrating to adjust back into the single world, you'll miss along of things and feel without...but that's normal, it's just because you were used to things...people tend to go through that when they are young and then finally buck up and get over the relationship after going back and forth a number of years, orrr find someone new (typical), or actually feel battered from their "single" days and using their ex as a crutch so long they end up marrying them.

 

Anyway, I'm wondering which guy you're going to be...is it;

 

A) Ah hell...It might not be so bad being married, we get along well enough, maybe things will improve...plus I want a family one day, maybe it won't be so bad...I'll focus on the "positive" things

 

B) My issues are getting to me...don't know If can commit and make this magnitude of a decision, am I just nervous or paranoid? is that why I'm doing this to myself? ah well, I think I need I'd rather move on that commit...it'll suck and I'll have to go through a crucifixion to get out of it, but this is my life

 

C) Let's try to work on our "relationship issues" and I'll try to accept her as she is and we'll just move on and I'll buy some more time until I have to get down on bended knee...I do love her right? I'll fall in love with her eventually maybe? let's try and see what happens...we've been together for 4 years and been through a lot together, hard to throw this away

 

 

 

What say you?

[Lauriebell82]

Yeah, she's feeling biological clock pressure because she wants to have all her kids before she's 33ish, so if this isn't going to pan out she feels she'll be in a time crunch. I'm sure her mom is also being pushy with her about kids, because that's how she is, so that can't be easy on her.

 

For the most part I can, and some of those things are what I miss about her when she's not around, but sometimes they really put a damper on things.

 

Why 33? I can see like 36 or 37, but age 33 isnt any different as far as increased risk then 28-32 years old. I can understand the pressure from her mom though. There isnt anything wrong with having children soon after getting married either. My husband and I got pregnant 10 months after our wedding and we have a wonderful 9 month old son

Edited January 16, 2013 by Lauriebell82

[jwi71]

Yeah, she's feeling biological clock pressure because she wants to have all her kids before she's 33ish, so if this isn't going to pan out she feels she'll be in a time crunch. I'm sure her mom is also being pushy with her about kids, because that's how she is, so that can't be easy on her.

 

Her race could be important here. Having lived all over Asia I can tell you there are enormous societal pressures for some cultures to do X before Y age.

 

And even if she is - do NOT marry on HER timeline. Marry when it feels right. It should feel as though it's the next natural step to take - not because of her timeline or any other variant of "have to".

 

For the most part I can, and some of those things are what I miss about her when she's not around, but sometimes they really put a damper on things.

 

Just another hint that M is premature.

 

A M is composed of all the little things. If those little things are irritants rather than a loved difference - then don't get M. Only you truly know. But from what you write, I'd hold off.

 

Maybe you could benefit from pre-marital counseling.

[candie13]

Man, that's a hard question... if s/he were the one, you'd know (and no, you won't have to be in sync about everything).

 

IMHO, you need to be brave, take the plunge and leave. I should date a lot more, experience a lot more, love a lot more and get your heart broken a lot more by the time you meet "the one".

 

until then, here are my 2 cents on your original question:

 

"if you start to ask yourself ( or your partner) where the relationship's going, it's probably going to hell"...

[sLiPpeTh]

Do yourself a favor. Either decide to accept her as she is, or move on.

[Leigh 87]

I do not agree with ninjas idea about love; because he guarantees to me that my partner is not in love with ME... even though we BOTH believe we are madly in love with each other.

..What I WILL agree with him about is: if your not in "madly in love" with her,you are not going to have a very ....fun time together, to put it simply!

 

You should know that she is a women you want to spend the rest of your life with by now.

 

Nothings is going to change at this stage. I you are not excited and happy about the idea of spending your lives together and growing old together, you never WILL.

Councelling can help you live together happily in marriage, and show you how to navigate harships; it CANNOt help you to fall more in love with a women.

 

Once again, like ninja has told me (I HATE to agree with him:mad:) he has told me that you should KNOW that a women is the one you want to spend your life with early on, at about the one year year mark.

That is all you really need to know about a person, to get a sense of weather they are someone you FEEL like you ant to grow old with, in my opinion.

......... Even if you are in no rush to get married after the frrst or second or third year: you should feel "really happy" at the IDEA of marriage and a life partnership (if marriage is not in your belieff system).

 

You should feel EXCITED about a life together before 4 years: the idea should make you feel GOOD; not think about how she is NOT the love of your life:sick:

I think you need to be crazily, madly in love with your partner, in order TO get married..

You cannot call what you have now a fulfilling, happy marriage prospect; it will only be a marriage of convencience.

You will be two people who are happy around each other and have an ok time.

You feel much passion or feelings of deep love.

 

Hasnt that bothered you so far? The fact your NOT madly in love with her?

Do you think you would prefer to take a gamble, and both become single, so you can FIND a person who is madly in love with you, and who YOUR madly in love with?

I can guarantee that you CAN fall really in love with the right women, and that it is WAY more fullfiling than what you have now.

Edited January 27, 2013 by Leigh 87

[mellybean]

Your situation feels very familiar to me. I met my first love in high school, and we got along very well, rarely fought, and genuinely enjoyed eachother's company. We stuck together through college and gradschool for a total of 8 years. I was pretty content with the relationship, but for some reason I had no interest in marriage. I made up various excuses, that I just wasn't ready for it or that the timing wasn't good, or maybe I was too cool for marriage (it's just a piece of paper, right?).

 

We moved in together during year 7, and yeah, it was pretty good. Our sex life was "meh", and the relationship didn't have any passion, but we were best friends, and I thought that was okay. I told myself that that's how relationships progress and that we were normal. Into year 8, I accepted that we would probably be together forever. At the time, I couldn't see any flaws that were big enough to justify breaking up, and we had been together for so long, I really couldn't imagine life without him. And at that point, our families had alluded to us getting married so often, that it just felt like a fact.

 

Then halfway through year 8, my boyfriend determined that he needed a change in his life, and decided to take a job out of state. I stayed back and started applying for jobs in hopes of joining him. But within 2 months, I met someone else. I didn't mean to... it just happened. And suddenly I realized how much I was missing out on. My new relationship has taught me so much about myself, my needs and desires, and most importantly, I now know not to settle for mediocrity.

 

It is dangeriously easy to accept a relationship that is "comfortable" and familiar, but you have to really ask yourself if that's what you want. Are you happy with a "pretty good" relationship? Or do you want a relationship that is so rewarding, so interesting, and so intense, that you don't even have to ask the question of "is this right?" You just know.

 

I went from being marriage-phobic to truly looking forward to it someday. I can't be certain it will happen with this new guy (I hope it will), but at least I'm no longer feeling pressured to get married because "it's been x number of years and that's what people in long term relationships do." If I get married now, it's because it's what I really, really want, and that makes me happy.

[Scarlett5]

A few of you have mentioned feeling 'madly' in love - but how long does that intense level of feeling really last? Some say love is a 'choice' rather than a feeling. I think for me though, I'd really have to be feeling it to commit forever.

 

OP I think you have too many doubts, like the above post says, it's easy to settle for comfort and familiarity - but there is much more out there that you could be missing out on. Your feelings in your current relationship could turn to resentment and eventually bitterness.