Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 (edited) I have been dating my girlfriend for a year this month, I feel I really love her, but this is my first real relationship of my life. when we first got together she would tell me about her "guy friend" once in a while.. I know who he is in our small town, She had a friends with benefit kind of relationship with him.. After we'd been dating a couple of months I went through her phone and found they'd been texting, went like this: Guy: Hi GF: Hi Guy how have you been? Guy: good, been working here and there GF: I've been busy with work too GF: I miss your hot tub. Guy: You're welcome to it anytime GF: you're too much of a temptation Guy: No.. you are GF: no you are Guy: it's all you Guy: (after sometime passes) you out? Now after I saw this, I confronted her, she told me she told him and another guy to stop texting/talking with her, because she was in a relationship. I was going through her phone again and looking at old Facebook messages (yeah, I'm nosey sometimes).. In July she had talked with the guy..I read this, won't post the whole conversation this time.. it's irrelevant. Guy: are you still seeing the same guy? GF: yes Guy: I want to see you GF: I want to see you too, but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. After I read this it hurt a lot, I have mixed feelings about it.. I'm glad she said no, I knew they would still talk because she really likes him but he is not a "relationship kind of guy". So the fact that they were talking doesn't suprise or hurt me too much.. Edited January 14, 2013 by Manbrodude26 inappropriate title.. Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 First, what made you feel it was ok to go through her phone after dating only a few months? Was there a reason for concern or just being nosey? Second, give her credit for doing right by you & letting him know she's not crossing boundaries because she doesn't want to hurt you. Third, I would be a little bothered that she didn't see him because she didn't want to hurt you. Not because she didn't want to. But then again you are snooping & not getting the whole picture so don't make too many assumptions. If she's doing everything right & you're happy, be careful not to blow this out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 - she was texting with several different guys on her phone when we got together, She handed her phone to me to use, didn't plan on snooping but then I had to. -what do you mean by you would be a little bothered she didn't see him? thanks for your reply Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Don't let people make you feel bad about snooping since you obviously have cause to. The big problem here is the fact that your girl is keeping guys she's banged close at hand. They only have one reason to stick around and it's in her panties. Focus on what she has said first. She misses his hot tub (I wonder how many times he banged her in it) and she WANTS to see the other guy but can't because it would hurt you. No good can come from a girlfriend who keeps in contact with guys she's banged. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 The fact that after a year of dating you she tells her friend with benefits guy friend that she would love to see him and check out his hot tub again but can't only because she does not want to hurt you is pretty sad. It seems pretty obvious that you are into her a lot more than she is into you. I am sorry my friend I think it will be a matter of time before she will again have some playtime with this guy. I would be really insulted if I was you. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imfine Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I would be happy she didn't see him, it's the reason she gave him that would feel a little odd. Preferred response would be, "I really like/care/love/whatever the guy I'm seeing & have no interest in seeing you or anyone else." It's almost like she gave you as the reason instead of herself. But really, that's being picky. She is with you & she told him no. That's what really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 If you feel the need to snoop, you have no business being with her. Not saying what you found is excusable, but when you go looking for things, you'll most certainly find something you didn't want to see. When that happens, be ready to walk away. Be single, work on your trust issues and try again later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 If you feel the need to snoop, you have no business being with her. Not saying what you found is excusable, but when you go looking for things, you'll most certainly find something you didn't want to see. When that happens, be ready to walk away. Be single, work on your trust issues and try again later. What do you mean he should work on his trust issues? He felt something was up, investigated and was right. Should he have stuck his head in the sand in the name of trust? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 I don't think anyone should keep past flings on their phone either! I don't care how many times she banged this guy, not as many times as I have.. I'm worried of the possibility she has or will have sex with him while we are together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 That is how I feel for the most part.. But I just discovered this yesterday.. and I can hardly focus on anything . I may have to confront her on this, which will not go well.. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 What do you mean he should work on his trust issues? He felt something was up, investigated and was right. Should he have stuck his head in the sand in the name of trust? He obviously had concerns and went snooping.....and thats fine. The only time snooping is OK IMO is when you need closure to get the hell out. If thats how he felt, he should have been prepared to dump her when he found the messages. To clarify - don't go snooping, find something and then wonder what you should do. To do that is idiotic, at best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 maybe idiotic, But the decision is just not that easy for me. She is my only friend I actually talk to in this town.. My best friend really.. I really appreciate all your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
GSB81 Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 maybe idiotic, But the decision is just not that easy for me. She is my only friend I actually talk to in this town.. My best friend really.. I really appreciate all your replies. That's not a good enough reason to put up with her talking to guys like that. It shows a lack of respect on her part. She's your only friend there, but you aren't hers. So in those terms, you need her more than she needs you. That's gonna result in you having to put up with a lot of crap to hang on to her. Fear of being lonely is no reason to stay with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 maybe idiotic, But the decision is just not that easy for me. She is my only friend I actually talk to in this town.. My best friend really.. I really appreciate all your replies. So are you not capable of making new friends? Do you not have friends and family that you can call and talk to?? You're compromising yourself because you're afraid of being alone (as many of us are and/or have been - self included)....... Don't let her walk all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 it's very hard to meet good people here who are not on drugs.. She told him no, not in the best way.. I'm glad she did say no.. I cannot make up my mind yet, I'm young and in experienced in this. I have been alone most of my life, it doesn't scare me. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Few good people not on drugs is a global statement. Are you working in an addictions treatment center? Flesh out that statement for us, if you don't mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Everyone is a toothless fat drug user in my town.. really Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Fat and drug user are not common bedfellows. Are you in Appachian OxyLand or other? Link to post Share on other sites
aed Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 First I don't think its wrong to check if your gf/bf is up to something. Blind trust for me is like an utophia. This doesnt mean you have to check her every minute. But when you think something is up why not check if it is your own insecurity rather then him or her playing games. When someone is playing games, the trust is already broken and you are being desived (and that person doesn't desurve your trust anymore). But this is an grey area. Why check when you trust someone, On the other hand, when you are in an commitment relationship Why so panicly want to keep conversations with the other sex to your self Judging from your OP, no doubt your girl is cheating or will go cheating. The things she texted are not 1 inch over the line, but half a marathon. Everyone is a toothless fat drug user in my town.. really This post makes your problem clear: You put your gf on a high horse, you think you can't find a good girl, so you want to stick with her? This girl is going way out of line, and you want to stay with her because there are only thoothless drug using girls where you life? - first i find it hard to believe that all young people/ single people are drug addicts and toothless, unless you life in a getho of Rio. If that is true: stop foucussing on girls, work hard, do some night school and go find a better place to life and do the hardest thing any man can do: Start over! But if you not life an a third worlds countries getho, then get the facts straight: Your girl is seeking out exes, flirting with them and making the conversations go sexual! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Dude, she obviously isn't into the relationship as much as you are. "I would LOVE to get into your hot tub." "I would LOVE to meet up with you, but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend." Sounds like she would love to do a lot of things, but you're the ball and chain keeping her from doing things. I mean, she stated that a guy was too much of a temptation. If you are truely in love and 100% committed in your relationship. No one is a temptation because you would have too much to lose. I doubt you would have posted here if the text went something like this, GUY: I want to see you. GF: Sorry Dude! I have a boyfriend that I'm totally in love with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Manbrodude (great user name, by the way), I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like she's just passing the time with you. If I had to take a guess at what's going on with her, I'd say that she wants her former FWB to be her boyfriend, but he didn't want that. So she got with you, since you offered her the relationship, but she's still into this other guy. If I were really cynical, I'd say she may have gotten with you to make FWB guy jealous and want to make her his gf, but that didn't work. Now, that's all theory on my part and may not be true at all, but her texts show her to still be attracted/interested in this other guy. If she was serious about being with you, she wouldn't have to tell the guy to not text her -- she would just not respond to him when he does. The fact that she still has these conversations shows she's not going to voluntarily cut him off. You seem to want to keep her as your gf, but for the wrong reasons. I guess you need to decide how much you want to be in a relationship of convenience. Being alone is much better than being with someone who doesn't care about you. Are you doomed to live in this one town forever? I hope not! You could give her another chance, where she must stop all communication with FWB guy or any other ex-lovers, but if she won't do that, then I suggest you walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 That's exactly where I'm at right now Magic, I keep going back and forth all day on weather I want to confront her or not.. I think I will have to say it's Me or them.. Delete your Facebook and your "old flames" off your phone or I'm out! at the same time I don't want to say that because she did turn the guy down. Which means she does care about me, her reason may be questionable.. She is so nice to everyone she may have said that thinking of his feelings to, which she should not because he has crossed the line asking her to meet. She did turn him down.. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 He's not her boyfriend, you are, which means respect for your feelings and the relationship need to come before this ex-lover's feelings. Remember that: he's not just a friend, he's an ex-lover. He should not be in the picture at all, and she should not be having conversations with him if she's serious about being with you. Yeah, she turned him down, and she doesn't want to hurt you. That's good. That's the way it should be. But as along as he thinks he can get her into bed again, he will keep coming around. The only way to stop that is for her to stop all communication with him. She even admits he's a temptation! Do you really want to be wondering if they're talking again, what they're saying, and how close it is getting to the day when she does cheat? That guy doesn't care about your relationship. He is clearly a threat to it, and your gf has to be the one end all convo with him. If she won't do that for your relationship... do you really want to be second to the FWB? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 Well there last messages on FB were 6 months ago.. But, that doesn't mean they haven't texted or talked on phone in between.. If she has seen him she's only really had one or two opportunities to do so that I know of.. I usually know where she is almost all the time.. And often I will drive by and check, She has always been where she said she was.. This guy lives kind of far across town, but he lives right be her kids school.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Manbrodude26 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Share Posted January 14, 2013 I already have so much other **** on my mind, and our year anniversary is this weekend.. Link to post Share on other sites
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