It's not the.. It's the...

[NoMagicBullet]

So what is bugging you is not recent activity (that you are aware of), but old correspondence that you found recently, correct?

 

This is not unlike this other thread in some ways. I'll give you the same advice I gave in that thread: if it's old stuff, let it lie. At least for now. Your gf's perspective of this guy may have changed a lot since then -- perhaps she realized what a douchbag he is and stopped talking to him after all. You don't know. Bringing up stuff that is truly in the past can cause a lot of damage in the present.

 

If it's your one-year anniversary this weekend, then celebrate it. Try to put your insecurity aside for a while to do so. And if the relationship is going on one year, then within the next month would be a good time to have a talk about where the relationship is going, if it is moving forward, and what that means in real terms, such as communication with exes. (Save the heavy conversation for after your anniversary, if at all possible.)

Edited January 14, 2013 by NoMagicBullet
spelling

[Manbrodude26]

I will try to save it until after, I had made nice plans for our anniversary.. Now I don't want to invest anything into it..

 

I think she will know something is wrong.. And when she asks I will probably have to be honest. She probably knows I saw something I'm so down now, it's easy to tell... She accused me of going through her phone I said I didn't..

 

She surely knows I did

[Manbrodude26]

Even though this was 6 months ago, this was half way through our relationship when I was really starting to fall even more in love with her.. We had just celebrated her birthday and came back from a trip..

 

She said she told this guy not to contact her anymore.. I didn't believe it anyway..

 

I could easily let it go if it happened before our relationship, or even in the first couple months as it did before..

[mammasita]

Wow, why are you with someone you have to drive by and check on?

[aed]

Even though this was 6 months ago, this was half way through our relationship when I was really starting to fall even more in love with her.. We had just celebrated her birthday and came back from a trip..

 

She said she told this guy not to contact her anymore.. I didn't believe it anyway..

 

I could easily let it go if it happened before our relationship, or even in the first couple months as it did before..

 

So you are okay when she is reaching out to other men in the early stages, but not when you are > 1 year together? Will it be fine again when you are 20 years together?

 

You need to evaluate your own boundaries, set them up. And if she already have crossed your boundaries, make up your mind: Do I swollow it or will I stand up for myself. No girls (her league) in your area is the last reason why you should be with someone! especialy when she is making you feel insecure! A partner should make you feel secure about the relationship, and be supported to you.

 

Have you asked your girl why she sent that and what she wanted with it?

 

Also if you havent confronted her. Start doing that!

Edited January 14, 2013 by aed

[Manbrodude26]

didn't have to drive by, I just have trust issues and always will.. I knew deep down She would be where she is supposed to but, for some reason I had to check anyway.. Hard to explain, probably doesn't make any sense I know..

[Manbrodude26]

I do have boundaries and she has crossed them, this is why I'm upset. It would not be ok but, I guess more acceptable early in the relationship when it wasn't as developed knowing she really likes this guy..

[aed]

I do have boundaries and she has crossed them, this is why I'm upset. It would not be ok but, I guess more acceptable early in the relationship when it wasn't as developed knowing she really likes this guy..

 

When you are exclusive, this is never acceptable in my book!

 

I am sorry, but you need to grow some balls!

 

I would be furious when my gf would sent texts like that to other guys! And the you looked in my phone blabla, from her. Say that we can discuss an other time, after you have your facts. If she is committed to you and the relationship. She should be more concerned about your reaction finding those texts!

 

You need to setup the balance of your relationship.

[NoMagicBullet]

Even though this was 6 months ago, this was half way through our relationship when I was really starting to fall even more in love with her.. We had just celebrated her birthday and came back from a trip..

 

She said she told this guy not to contact her anymore.. I didn't believe it anyway..

 

I could easily let it go if it happened before our relationship, or even in the first couple months as it did before..

 

Yeah, it did happen during your relationship, but people proceed at different paces through relationships. She may not have been as far along in the "in love" department as you were then. It's not good that she was in contact with him, but he did inititate it (again), and for whatever reason at that time, she wrote what she wrote. She wanted to see him again -- who knows why. Maybe after a birthday she was feeling less attractive and this guy came along at exactly the wrong time that seeing him again sounded appealing to her. But she didn't cheat on you, to the best of your knowledge. As far as we know, she was tempted, and she didn't want to hurt you. Of course she never told you about that either, because that also would have hurt you.

 

You have to stop driving yourself crazy over what was 6 months ago and take a serious look at where your relationship is now. I'm not saying you should forget about that correspondence, but don't give it more weight than it deserves. If there are sketchy things going on in the present, then be worried. I have to say, ignore the advice I gave you earlier -- I thought there was more going on in the present that just this 6-month old correspondence you found.

 

Manbrodude, I know finding what you found really, really hurts. But it is the past. Unless there is cause in the present to bring this subject up, I suggest you don't. You will be reacting to your own insecurity, and it will only cause both of you more pain. Also consider this: 6 months after that exchange, she is still with you. Focus on now, not then.

[Manbrodude26]

I will just have to wait for now, There is actually another "iffy" message on there not sure how the conversation went.. looks like she deleted her messages to another guy.. the other guy's last message was: "yeah I would've been down you should have hit me up, I was in town".. This was in October! - can't really say much , I really don't know about it, this guy could've meant to message someone else, though I'm 90% positive they hooked up in the past , she has not told me about him..

[aed]

Yeah, it did happen during your relationship, but people proceed at different paces through relationships. She may not have been as far along in the "in love" department as you were then. It's not good that she was in contact with him, but he did inititate it (again), and for whatever reason at that time, she wrote what she wrote. She wanted to see him again -- who knows why. Maybe after a birthday she was feeling less attractive and this guy came along at exactly the wrong time that seeing him again sounded appealing to her. But she didn't cheat on you, to the best of your knowledge. As far as we know, she was tempted, and she didn't want to hurt you. Of course she never told you about that either, because that also would have hurt you.

 

You have to stop driving yourself crazy over what was 6 months ago and take a serious look at where your relationship is now. I'm not saying you should forget about that correspondence, but don't give it more weight than it deserves. If there are sketchy things going on in the present, then be worried. I have to say, ignore the advice I gave you earlier -- I thought there was more going on in the present that just this 6-month old correspondence you found.

 

Manbrodude, I know finding what you found really, really hurts. But it is the past. Unless there is cause in the present to bring this subject up, I suggest you don't. You will be reacting to your own insecurity, and it will only cause both of you more pain. Also consider this: 6 months after that exchange, she is still with you. Focus on now, not then.

 

 

I disagree!

 

When you found out she cheated 1 year ago. Let it go because things in the present are okay? She stept over a the line, way to far.

 

He needs to talk with her about it and get things clear! Avoiding the confrontation is the easy way out, imo.

 

And people reaching out to an ex and not telling their OS about it, mostly means one thing! They are up to something. This is not high science to figure out!

 

Getting closure (etc), feeling guility hurting the guy etc: are things healthy people speak of with their partners. Intentions of cheating, flirting etc are the ones they keep for them self.

[Manbrodude26]

on one hand she crossed the line, She said she wouldn't have contact with him anymore.. even though he initiated it.

 

on the other, she told him no, not the best way...

 

I know I keep repeating myself.. It will have to come out one way or another eventually, I'm sure

[Manbrodude26]

Her words were to "choice" "temptation" "I would like to see you too"

[Manbrodude26]

thank you all for your replies they do help..

[NoMagicBullet]

I disagree!

 

When you found out she cheated 1 year ago. Let it go because things in the present are okay? She stept over a the line, way to far.

 

He needs to talk with her about it and get things clear! Avoiding the confrontation is the easy way out, imo.

 

And people reaching out to an ex and not telling their OS about it, mostly means one thing! They are up to something. This is not high science to figure out!

 

Getting closure (etc), feeling guility hurting the guy etc: are things healthy people speak of with their partners. Intentions of cheating, flirting etc are the ones they keep for them self.

 

Please read Manbrodude's posts... she has not cheated on him, unless you consider texting cheating. There were the texts a few months into their relationship, then the Facebook messages 6 months ago. She did not reach out to the ex, the ex-FWB keeps reaching out to her. She has refused to see him, but she should know better than to even respond to him. She has expressed to the ex-FWB that she is still attracted to him, which she should never have done.

 

Manbrodude, if there has been more recent suspicious texting activity after the Facebook messages, then you have every right to be worried. I think you do need to have a conversation with her and get some clear answers to who she's in contact with, if like the ex-FWB she is responding instead of ignoring, and get a general handle on how invested both of you are in this relationship. My earlier advice of her not being that invested in the relationship may still hold...

[Manbrodude26]

She has invested alot into the relationship maybe as much as I have, She is older than me so maybe she feels she has to..

 

I really don't believe she would cheat on me now, mainly because she has lost quite a bit of confidence, she has to know that many men would still want her..

[aed]

Please read Manbrodude's posts... she has not cheated on him, unless you consider texting cheating. There were the texts a few months into their relationship, then the Facebook messages 6 months ago. She did not reach out to the ex, the ex-FWB keeps reaching out to her. She has refused to see him, but she should know better than to even respond to him. She has expressed to the ex-FWB that she is still attracted to him, which she should never have done.

 

Manbrodude, if there has been more recent suspicious texting activity after the Facebook messages, then you have every right to be worried. I think you do need to have a conversation with her and get some clear answers to who she's in contact with, if like the ex-FWB she is responding instead of ignoring, and get a general handle on how invested both of you are in this relationship. My earlier advice of her not being that invested in the relationship may still hold...

 

 

First I find it very disrespectfull and I wouldnt have great hopes for that relationship if someone I am committed to, is sending those texts early in the relationship. It shows allot about their character imo.

 

then he posted this:

 

I will just have to wait for now, There is actually another "iffy" message on there not sure how the conversation went.. looks like she deleted her messages to another guy.. the other guy's last message was: "yeah I would've been down you should have hit me up, I was in town".. This was in October! - can't really say much , I really don't know about it, this guy could've meant to message someone else, though I'm 90% positive they hooked up in the past , she has not told me about him..

 

Yeah this is the type of behavour you want from your OS. Why do you think she deleted those texts?

 

manbrodude:

 

I cant understand what you are doing here? You get kicked in the balls, and you just want "to wait to see" if she can kick a little harder? Okay when you to had your first 3 dates etc, she can hottube all she wants imo. But from how you describe things, you where official together and then in october again and she deletes texts (because she is hiding something!!!) When you start looking seriously for more or watch her tracks, I think you will find more doubtfull things. But I wouldnt do this.

 

Make up your mind. Tell her: what you know. Ignore the blabla privacy blabla. Then ask more (get angry if that is needed), get the facts on the table. If you believe her story, then okay accept it and move on. If not walk away or kick her out.

[Manbrodude26]

that's the thing I just don't know about the October thing enough to say anything, Facebook is weird like that sometime..

 

I had her pick me up last night and held her in her bed, I was already feeling low, then after thinking about it all day I could not help but exaggerate my sadness making it painfully obvious, I couldn't even really look her in the eye this morning. She kept asking "what's wrong?" .

 

I really don't want to confront her before our anniversary.. I don't know I feel lost, all my thoughts and doings have revolved around her.. I just put too much thought into things as you can probably tell..

[aed]

that's the thing I just don't know about the October thing enough to say anything, Facebook is weird like that sometime..

 

I had her pick me up last night and held her in her bed, I was already feeling low, then after thinking about it all day I could not help but exaggerate my sadness making it painfully obvious, I couldn't even really look her in the eye this morning. She kept asking "what's wrong?" .

 

I really don't want to confront her before our anniversary.. I don't know I feel lost, all my thoughts and doings have revolved around her.. I just put too much thought into things as you can probably tell..

 

I am sorry, and i feel for you.

 

Avoiding is one of the things that makes you suffer like this. You know deep down in side something is up and let's face it: even when nothing happend she crossed an importent boundary. You have every right to be angry.

 

But what i read from you posts you fear your gf her reaction. And that you are avoiding conflict. The avoiding makes you suffer like this. Just read some scientific articels about fears and why avoiding makes the condition always worse, never better.

 

Also what does your anniversary got to do with anything? Its just a date, why would it be okay to confront here a day or week after? You think to much about your wife instead of yourself. But this is a decision you have to make for your self.

 

When you choice not to ask about it:

Work on your self. Go do things you like yourself and do them without your gf.. Start working out. Take 3 months to focus more on yourself. And mabey you should try and pick up an: self improvementbook for men (written by a men) and that learns you how to get in touch with your masculine emotions and needs. Be open about to your gf: say you feel miserable, and that you need to work on yourself to improve yourself. You dont have to say what it is about, if you dont want to. Tell her you will explaine it all when you feel better.

[Manbrodude26]

I went to her place tonight and confronted her about the texts, before I could even confronted her I stared into her eyes for a while.. She started crying and saying "are you breaking up with me?" I continued the silence, then she rolled over and cried more saying " why? why? I never did anything to you to deserve this/ I never cheated on you or anything?"

 

I told her to stop crying, I told her to give me her phone I wanted to show her something I found and didn't like, She said she didn't think of any other way to tell him she wasn't going to see him. Then I told her to delete every ex fwb, or boyfriend in her phone and she did.. I told her to delete every guy off her Facebook page and she said she would probably Friday when she had access to a computer.

 

I think I went overboard, I genuinely feel she never cheated on me, she told me before as she did in the past "How can you be in a relationship with someone you don't trust?" then she said "You don't trust me and now I can't trust you because you went through my phone again".

 

I talked some more My emotions completely flipped I just wanted to hold her, My eyes started to water up.. I looked her in the eyes and said "I love you so much". She didn't say I love you back as she usually does, I asked "do you still want to be with me?" she said "I don't know"..

 

We watched a t.v. show together and held hands really tight and close, I kissed her a lot told her goodnight and went home..

 

I think I did more damage then good, I just couldn't hold it in it was eating me up inside and consuming my days..I think there is a possibility she would have sex with this guy if he really pushed it and maybe she was drinking in the right setting, just because she liked/likes him alot.. But the chances of this "setting" happening are very low at this point I don't think she will seek him..

 

Thank you all who kept reading my posts and commenting.. It helped very much!!

 

I may still post another update if anything changes, and am still welcome to any comments or suggestions

[Manbrodude26]

UPDATE:

 

If anyone will still follow... (sorry for the length) Things turned in a way I did not expect..

I went back to her place the same night of the confrontation, I told myself I would give her space and time and leave her alone for a while.. I showed up there held her, she didn't seem much responsive, I had to get up and leave at 4 A.M. She was not responding to me well..

 

I got dressed and gave her a kiss while she was still half asleep in bed, she said "why are you leaving so fast?" I said I have to go..

 

She did not text me from work at all, I could tell she was mad and hurt.. (she usually texts me through out the day).. She post on Facebook "I feel like I'm being emotionally abused and isolated!".. she never posts there, I had a feeling she would though.. The post hurt, it seemed she was seeking attention from everyone and pointing me out to be a controlling jealous ass.. I sent her a few texts telling her we should talk later, and one saying I was going to give her personal space last night but changed my mind at the last minute..

 

After she got off work, I tried calling her 7 times within a half hour or so, I texted her and asked for her to be patient and listen to what I have to say because I had been so patient with her.. (again I told myself I would leave her alone for the rest of the day).. I couldn't help it, like a creep I drove over to her place, knocked at the door, her son let me in.. I went to her bedroom and asked to talk..

 

We both were upset I couldn't say all I wanted to say, she didn't say much.. She said she had to get dinner ready and then go to group (women's group).. I said well please don't ignore me.. I kissed her in the kitchen and said bye..

 

On my home she text me "have fun with your red headed girlfriend" She has never accused me of anything like this.. One of her friends she rarely sees, who is on Facebook said she saw me with someone else.. I said " you are going to try and hurt me now?" she said " no, mistaken identity.." I told her I wanted to talk to her tonight or hold her..

 

When she got home from group she text me.. nothing exciting.. I talked about my day some, she talked of her friend who moved away..

 

I went to her place that night (last night) and was holding her without much response.. I got up in the morning and walked outside quickly to pee.. She quickly followed as she thought I was leaving..

 

When we got in her truck for her to give me a ride home, she looked at me and said "why are you so mad at me?" I said "it feels like your trying to hurt me".. She got mad and said she was hurt too.. She said she couldn't trust me, and I was like her (ex-husband who she never says anything good about) I just won't give her space and time.. (I knew this was true).. "I said well it must be hell then!! I will come over to your place and get my things" .. she said " not without me you won't give me your key"..

 

I then pretended to try and take it off my ring I told her I couldn't get it.. ( I really didn't mean it I was upset) When she stopped the truck she took the key off.. I started crying in a high pitch moan and pleaded for her to give it back.. telling her I didn't mean what I said, she shook her head no.. and started to cry a little.. I was balling my eyes out I said please please please, I will not go to your place I was just upset.. please give me the key back.. we can talk later.. She said " I can't trust you anymore, we can talk later.. I have to go to work.."

 

I feel like such a wimp crying in front of her like that.. I do lover her so much.. I cannot believe she is "unsure" she wants to see me.. I thought she was just saying this to hurt me.. I'm so hurt now.. I'm going to try and go the whole day without texting or calling to give her her time and space to think..

[Manbrodude26]

I also mentioned while I was crying that.. I really wanted to be with her , and I didn't have anyone to talk with during the day..

[Darren Steez]

heh..tears for fears

[Manbrodude26]

I'm so broken and hurt.. I can't think or focus on anything.. I don't think she wants me any more .

[veggirl]

This is so screwed up. She is the one who was doing shady things and then she basically dumps you? Your relationship is very very unbalanced...you mentioned she is older and has kids, whereas its your first relationship? how old are you both?

 

You need to take some time apart to get a grip. no going through her phone wasn't a great idea but it happened and she is the one who lied to you, this is HER fault not yours. she was hiding something, remember that.

 

Don't harrass her...calling 7x and then showing up uninvited is not cool and it makes you look completely desperate -- VERY unattractive to a woman!!!!

 

stop chasing her, she is the one who messed this up..why have you forgotten that?