Do You Know Why?

[digger]

fOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS WAITING ON THE DIVORCE I HAVE BEGGED PLEADED AND CRIED TO HER TO TRY AGAIN. Never a response. She never calls, writes. I do. And then she talks talks talks. If i hated me so bad Id hang up. But she never does. Last week I wrote a letter with a different tone. The tone of "im sick of this, I wish you well, Ill always love you and maybe someday." it was like, well not totally, but moving on. Two days after that--my first response in 6 months on her own. A 2 page 1000 word letter stating everything i did wrong and what was wrong with me. Any insights as to why this happened the way it did?

[soccorsilly]

Hi-

 

I am thinking she is using this as a way to deal with the break up. Don't try to figure out a woman's mind--it will never happen. But, you need to move on and get over it and onto bigger and better things.

 

I would have given anything for a letter like that--my ex wife decided to cheat and got caught on the first try and I was willing to forgive and work on it, but she wanted no part of it and I was NEVER offered an explanation of what it was in our marraige that led her to cheat, or what I did or could have done differently. It was just a done deal. Very difficult to reconcile with oneself when you are clueless!

 

JOhn

[overseas2004]

I suppose the 1000 page letter should be a good place to start regarding the insight part.

[digger]

Ive derived several things from her letter:

 

1) She has never placed 1 bit of blame on herself--its always me me me

 

2) Everything I did wrong--was 10 years ago!! Nothing recently, which is why I was chugging along thinking things were..not great, but ok.

 

Addendum--I told her if i ever caught her sleeping with another man, that would be it and dont ever think Ill come around again. The thought sickens me.

On occasion i will ask her if she has. The answer is--you know me better than that. Well if she wants me out of her life as she claims, why doesnt she just admit it, or say yes i have, as a lie, to make me go away?

I dunno what the answer is but were not even divorced yet and last week she told me "im dating and having the time of my life". But no Ive not had sex> If you think so then you dont know me very well.

[Pocky]

The letter was probably to give you some closure so you would know why she was leaving. I wouldn't view it as a way for her to establish a link between the two of you again. It sounds like she is looking forward to the divorce and feels as though she's already justified with ending the marriage. She doesn't need to tell you whether or not she's slept with someone else. Come to terms with the divorce and stop trying to figure out why.

[Ranger]

Hello Digger,

You said something interesting... You were begging, pleading, crying, etc. From my experience I found it was the wrong thing to do. As long as I did that, the anger from her was always there. I switched from the begging and crying to "acting" as if I was happy about anything. Her anger over time subsided. Would you want to be around someone that never seems happy?

 

You also sent her a signal that you were moving on with your life and she is no longer in control. She may still have some buried feelings for you and is now a little concerned that you will no longer be there for her. I agree that she went overboard with the letter and its length, but it gives you some insight to her expectations in the relationship. It sounds like she is still angry and maybe the letter is a way for her to get past her anger. What if you were to respond to the letter thanking her from her input, rather than being depressed or angry at her? What do think she would do?

 

ranger

[digger]

thanks ranger--very valid thots

 

actually as i mentioned (i think) she made it a point to tell me she was "dating and enjoying every minute of it". I think it was to further bury the dagger, knowing how i feel. But perhaps it is true.

Well, as luck would have it, 2 days later, --an old mutual 'freind' called me after no contact for 5 years, she is planning a trip to stay with me for 5 days. Its already been set--has her flight and everything. After the "im dating" shocker I now have a card to play. And Im not doing it to play games--but if shes so damn happy about dating and hurting me-why cant i let her know whats going on from my end? Maybe itll make her think. After all--it is true from my end but im not sure it is from hers. My mom says dont do it--dont give her the time of day. A freind says "tell her if it makes u feel better". I think ill tell her.