futurperfect Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 My husband and I have been happily married for 17 years. About 8 years ago, we bought a couple of x-rated movies to occasionally watch together during sex. It was intended to enhance and vary our sex life together. I got off on them too. It made us both really hot and totally uninhibited. A short time later, I discovered that he had watched them while I was out of town. Not a big deal in and of itself, but it kept happening. I would find the movies moved to a different location on our closet shelf, etc. I felt badly even for noticing, but I couldn't help feeling a little left out. I didn't watch them without him. Once in the middle of the night, the bed starting shaking. He was jerking off. Jeez, I thought maybe he could have turned to me… Once, while I was on the internet, a cached photo of a woman giving a blowjob just "popped" up on the screen. I found a movie clip buried in the "history". Again, I wasn't looking for these things, but they kind of found me. I began to feel sad and a little betrayed. I felt I wasn't enough. Sex was wonderful when we had it, but it was very infrequent -- anywhere from once a month to once every three months. I never felt my husband wasn't turned on by me, I'm no slouch and have been called attractive and sexy by others. We've talked about these things several times. He assures me that he never wanted/wants to hurt my feelings, but these actions are just "a release". Still, I feel that I'm available and willing for a quick "release", why not me? Often, our encounters are marathons. Sometimes that's too long. I'd love a quickie once in a while. We've talked about this. He doesn't HAVE to go on for an hour just to please me! He lets me know frequently that I totally satisfy him in bed and in fact, he tells me I blow his mind! So what gives? I can't help feeling badly. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 He's already told you the truth. Why don't you believe him and leave it at that? He wants to get rid of horniness sometimes quickly and without bothering you. It has nothing to do with you, as he's already told you. Link to post Share on other sites
amer Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 sometimes the urge isn't about romance, ya know? Every single guy int eh world with the possible exception of the pope has indulged himself by himself. Most gals too. Why is this a big deal to you? He does make love to you , right? It's not a situation where he's addicted to this to teh exlcusion of sex with you or taking out the trash, etc., right? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I understand what you're feeling. There are several threads that star my husband and porn stories. Have you done a search for porn on this forum? You'll find LOADS of women with the same problem as you. Don't let anyone dismiss your feelings. You can't help how you feel, even if it is irrational. You can figure out a way to not let it bother you, or you can't. It sounds like he's denying you sex, since it's so infrequent. Is he looking at porn, INSTEAD of having sex with you? Do you feel like he'd RATHER masterbate than have sex with you? It would take my husband forever to orgasm, and sometimes, I wanted a quickie too, but it was impossible! Then he had trouble getting an erection. Then, I find porn stashes every where, and felt horrible, because my husband couldn't get an erection, or have an orgasm with me, but he could masterbate to porn daily. I felt like crap. Does any of this sound familiar? My case tends to be a bit severe compared to some. A lot of women just don't like to be left out of their husband's sex life. I don't. I don't mind if he masterbates, as long as I'm satisfied, but if I'm yearning for it, and he's wasting a perfectly good erection, I don't like it one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
sonador_hermosa Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 well, i'd have to say, your feelings ARE valid, but at the same time, i disagree that he is "leaving you out", because i've come to understand as a woman, that in sex, men are very visually oriented. this is why they like porn so much. it's obvious that he loves you and loves MAKING love to you, and that the porn isn't a replacement FOR you. everyone in this earth needs alone time. masturbation is a beautiful time to onesself. it's like making love to YOU. i would suggest that you try renting erotic movies and masturbating alone sometimes, just for fun, even when your husband is at home. there is nothing wrong about it, and it helps you get to know yourself. that's just my $0.02. Link to post Share on other sites
SARose61 Posted August 27, 2004 Share Posted August 27, 2004 If he were slowly but surely totally replacing his intimacy with you with his pornographic release then I would really worry. If you honestly think it is an unhealthy obcession that may be harmful to him, becoming an addiction then it is something he needs help with. If it is just a health means of release for him then you have to work on why it is bothering you. There is truth to the fact that men & women view sex in very different ways. We are more romantic, our sexual encounters are about "making love" the total picture not just a quick sexual out let. For guys, it is about feeling that release now. They can separate the pleasure idea from commitment & love without having the slightest clue that we may feel slighted by their actions of self gratification. Maybe try adding a twist to his little "quickies" tell him that the next time he want to do something like that to let you know so that you can watch. Maybe you can watch each other too. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 As long as he is not replacing you then I dont see what the problem is. Join in. Put on some sexy shoes and panties and let him see you in a sexy way. He is still attracted to you so add to his fantasy by being a part of it. I wanted to purchase a stripper for a private dance for my man. I was going to dance with her and then while he is totally excited. I would take it from there while she continued to dance. Men love that stuff. But that is just me Link to post Share on other sites
emra Posted September 5, 2004 Share Posted September 5, 2004 Instead of waiting for him to give it to you, maybe you should seduce him. That is always a HUGE turn on for men. I do not think he means any harm by this. You both have talked about it. At least he was honest with you. If you want more sex with him so you feel involved, you go for it, don't wait for him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MarriageBed Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 As I read your message, I picked up on three important thoughts. 1. You appear to want sex more often than what you are getting it 2. You want the actual experience to last shorter (not a marathon) 3. He says it is a release It is quite possible that you are sending mixed signals to your husband and that he is misunderstanding you. On one hand, you claim to want more sex...at the same time, you don't want it to last very long. If when you have sex, your husband senses that you are getting bored or tired of it...he may assume that you really do not want it. If you want to help your husband choose you over the porn, then you have to find out why he is looking at the porn. What does the porn have to offer that you are not currently offering? Here are some possibilities: 1. The porn can last a long time (you can play a tape over and over again, or the tape may last more than an hour). You can search the net and watch porn for several hours. If you are only willing to give him a few minutes, he may be picking the porn over you because it lasts longer. 2. Porn offers a variety, something different. There are blondes, red heads, small chests, big chests, shaved pubic areas, hairy pubic areas, and just about anything else you can imagine. You might try buying some wigs, changing your shaving habits or doing something different to add something new to your sex life. Keep introducing him to something new and different to keep him guessing and wondering. 3. Porn doesn't judge or complain, it is easy. Porn is a world of fantasy, where he is in control and I'm guessing he does not complain or judge himself in his fantasy. Most porn is pure pleasure with no pain or complaints. If you are drying out during your long sexual activities, or complaining of pain, he may be choosing the porn to prevent hurting you. Last, and most important, I believe he is telling you the truth. It offers him a release from what I'm assuming is some rather strong sexual desires. While a "quicky" may satisfy you, it may not be enough for him. If he has strong sexual desires, he may need a long time to release all of his sexual energy. The release he is talking about is probably more than just an ejaculation. He may need multiple orgasms to release his sexual pressure. You need to talk to him and find out exactly what he means by release and what the porn offers that you do not. If he loves you, he may be reluctant to answer truthfully because he does not want to hurt you...so you need to make sure that he is being honest and that you are thick skinned so you do not get hurt by the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Samuel62 Posted September 20, 2004 Share Posted September 20, 2004 I see a ton of this on this forum. Women are just mystified! I'll try to help...... Ladies, try this. Sneak up behind him, whisper in his ear, and tell him that whenever he -thinks- about using porn and you ARE available, you want to get the action instead. Mean that, and back it up with some real effort (you know exactly what I mean). Men are easy to secuce/please if they're normal, healthy, and in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Annie C Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 You have to be very careful when your husband starts watching a lot of porn on the computer. My husband got to the point where he was masturbating in front of the computer every night after I had go to bed. Needless to say over a period of months our sex life dwindled to almost nothing. Even early on when we would have sex he suddnly couldn't ejaculate anymore. He told me it was just "stress" but a few nights later I caught him masturbating at the computer...he was had just finsihed and was wiping himself up. I was furious and he promised to stop. He did for about two weeks but soon he was back at it. He is such a good man in every other way and a wonderful father to our three children. I don't want a divorce but being in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life is a scary thought. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 I had sex with my wife yesterday around noon and it was pretty good. 3 hours later I was home alone and I masturbated to some porn. My point being, sex with my wife and masturbating are 2 completely different things. No matter how much sex I get I will still masturbate because I like to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 Everyone mostly is saying that it's ok blah blah blah. But it would be ok if you were having sex more than 1 a month. Does he turn you down. It sounds to me you are trying to make yourself more available by suggesting quickies. Talk to him just point blank say. I want sex more than once a month and it is unfair of you to deny me and than go jerk off. We need to do something about this. Have any ideas? That way you are being straight forward and putting the ball in his court. Just be sure to tell him that you don't think he should stop masturabating it's normal but you want it more sex. Maybe he should "accidently" catch you masturbating Link to post Share on other sites
marie337 Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 fredrolin---did you tell your wife you did this and how did she react? I'm kind of new to this forum but many of you might have read my post and know how I feel. For me, the real hurt comes from the fact that he has been doing this behind my back for 4 years. I knew he was masturbating even though it hurt me. But, I could accept that to a point because I knew it was irrational. BUt, when you add porn into the mix it just brings up so many more emotions. My husband also says that sometimes he just needs it to be quick. Well, fine I don't always need it to be an hour long ordeal either. I think men just assume that we always want long, emotional sex. Yes, I do enjoy that very much, but sometimes I just need stress relief and just need sex not necessarily intimacy. And, I also do not need an orgasm every time. I usually have no problems with that and consider myself lucky. So, if I don't get off everytime, I'm not that worried about it. I think things would be so much easier if men and women were just on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 5, 2004 Share Posted October 5, 2004 Originally posted by marie337 fredrolin---did you tell your wife you did this and how did she react? . My wife knows and isn't bothered by it. And even if she was, so what? It's MY body and I can do what I want with it. My wife and I are married, she doesn't own me. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyInNJ Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Dear Futurperfect, I can understand your situation 100%. I responded earlier to another similar message, and the theme is the same: Porn (when abused) , is no good for the marriage. I believe your husband when he says he loves you and that you satisfy him, but I think yoyu probably have a communication problem, and your lack of communication makes it easier for him to go please himself, rather than go through the whole nine yards with you. I am sure that you are attractive to him, but when he uses the porno instead of making love to you, he does not realize how this makes you feel. How do I know? I did the same thing your husband did, and it killed my poor wife. I told her I loved her and that she was sexy (which I believed then as much as I do now) but I wa snot showing her this. Her self esteem (which she suffered with all through her life) was zero. I was crushing this woman that I love. Then it became easier and easier to masturbate rather than hear her get upset, and then I had erection problems, and that did even more damage to her self esteem. Eventually, we had no sex at all. We were roomates who just slept in the same bed. It was terrible. This is where things are headed if you don't do something now. Thank God I saw the light, and we talked about it, and reassured eachother. and tried our best to get over the bad issues of the past. We spend more time together now (we have young children), and we always talk about a problem before it gets too late. What I just told you covered a span of about 5 years. It has been almost 5 years since we patched things up. I am so greatful I did not loose this fantastic woman. Talk frankly and lovingly with your Husband. I hope your husband (if he really loves you) sees the light too. Let me know how you are making out! Link to post Share on other sites
clayrains Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 Sort of like the oldies song only a little different... "It's My Pecker and I'll Stroke if I Want To" Link to post Share on other sites
Sela Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 With porn now so easily available on the computer and the quality is so realisyic, many men, especially married guys tend to come to prefer the pron over sex with their wives. Any search around the internet will so that this has become a huge problem in the last few years. Men need variety and the internet provides that and men love visual stimulatiion- which they don't get from a woman they have known for many years. I don't know what the answer is and I read that the problem is only going to get worse because now you have a generation of young men who's primary sexual outlet from puberty onwards has been internet porn. Some even end up having problems getting and holding an erection or not being able to orgasm because they have grown so used to the porn fantasies that "real" girls just are not exciting enough for them. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 He's being honest with you, that's the most important part. Alot of men use porn as a stress relief, and it really does work good. It's like getting a massage.. I know weird.. Anyway, when he does this, of course he's not going to want sex for awhile. How stressed out is he? Have you been trying different things to entice the sex in your marriage? You've had the same porn for 8 years? Wow.. After watching the same porn twice, I would get bored with it. Why not stop talking about it and do something spontanously with him? Like when he's sleeping, you can start touching him, etc.. Show that you desire him, not just say it. Don't make him feel guilty for what is natural. For example, last Sunday morning I was all horny and she wasn't really into it. But she let me 'use' her while I got off. It's not disrespecting herself or her body. To me it was her way of giving me something. Once a month or once every 3 months is not very much sex. I would get worried if it went more than 2 weeks, but I've only been married 3 months so far. You two need to talk about your fantasies, etc.. You two have been married a long time and love each other alot. Seems like you two haven't explored that much with each other though, and that's the fun part. Lots of websites out there to help you with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted December 11, 2004 Share Posted December 11, 2004 A husband's porn use can be OK or bad depending on how much he is masturbating and whether or not sex between the two of you has slowed down to the point where it bothers you or it has stopped altogether. Some guys can walk the fine line between porn, masturbation and sex with their wives and keep themselves and their wives happy. But it is a very fine line and it's so easy just to masturbate rather than going through the song and dance of seduction and foreplay which is fun at the beginning of a relationship, but can become tedious after years of marrige. One way for a woman to counteract the porn is to use the man's sexual laziness to her advantage by offering quickies-- oral, manual or bend over the kitchen table vaginal . This would show him that sex with his wife can be quick and fun...just like the porn and masturbation. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 If you're having sex together frequently, then using porn is just a release. If you're having sex very infrequently, then he no longer finds you sexually appealing and that's why he's using porn so much. That doesn't mean he thinks you are ugly, he could think you are beautiful, it's just that you don't push his sexual fantasy buttons any more. This can be caused by a lot of factors - your own discomfort with his porn use may be one of them, or low self-esteem about your looks. I have to say though, that jacking off in bed while you're lying next to him is a pretty bad sign. I've *never* done that with a woman, and would only do it if a) I had totally gone off sex with her, and b) I wanted to seriously piss her off! IMO the chances are that he no longer gets really turned on by you sexually. This has nothing at all to do with your looks, men just sometimes get turned off after being with a woman for a certain length of time. I'd lay down the law here. Order him to screw you at least a few times a week, preferably more. If he doesn't do it, then just grab his dick and get to work, it's really not very hard to turn a man on! If he's still not into it then I'd start dropping hints about getting a young stud from an escort agency to service you (not seriously, but get him worried!). If all else fails, try sex counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
AmethystSquirrel Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 I completely nderstand how you feel!!! My husband prefers porn to having sex with mee. He even admitted after a weekend alone in a hotel, that he would use me so he souldn'thave to clean up the mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 mental_traveller: If a husband has gone off sex with his wife it usually IS because of the way she looks. It's very rare that a man who is turned on by a woman's looks will not have sex with her and turn to porn. Men's primary arousal is visual, which is why porn is so popular with them. In extreme cases a man will not be able to get an erection or ejaculate if he doesn't like a woman's looks. She could be the nicest person in the world, a perfect partner in every other way, but the man suffers sexual dysfunction because the visual aspect is lacking. Some sex therapists suggest the couple watch porn movies while having sex to give the man the visual input he needs to overcome his dysfunction. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 This is when you'd be ENTITLED to an affair. Go for it-don't do it with anyone you work with or that husband knows. Hell, for all you know, he's so into his porn that he'd be secretly relieved-you wouldn't be bothering him for sex. There are plenty of sex starved men without porn-rotted minds who'd be with you. Your husband has expressed his lack of interest in you-so why not? Or you can merely threaten an affair if he doesn't put it down. Again, depending on his addiction, his response may be lacking. Or you can tell everyone(family, friends) you know about his porn habit-and MOCK him too! AFter all, it's pretty pathetic, him hunched over his keyboard, dick in hand-it really is laughable. Others will think so too! Try 'porn aversion' therapy. Tell him you want to watch porn together, and that you rented a "really hot" flick. Except the hot flick you rented is gay porn. Fast forward it to a really gruesome 'money' shot. ANd let the fun begin! Download a bunch of gay and animal porn on his computer so it pops up at inopportune times. Put it on his screensaver, and send him innocent emails with sicko porn attachments. I suppose if he actually likes it, you'd have a different problem at hand... Tell him you'll destroy a favored possession of his if he doesn't put it down. There is a difference between porn 'use' and porn 'abuse'. Personally, I have a zero tolerance for porn-that is a dealbreaker for me. I've always wondered why men dig the money shots-where they guys cums all over the girls face, camera up close. Personally, they look like guy blowing his nose all over the girls face, except he's blowing his dick. Disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted February 8, 2005 Share Posted February 8, 2005 I've seen some discussion groups where the (facial) "money shot" has been carefully deconstructed and analyized. I personally was interested because I've never understood the appeal either. It's not something I or any of the women I have had sex with seemed at all interested in. It just feels better to cum inside rather than outside. And I think most men feel or perhaps felt, this way until they saw what they were doing in the porn movies. I am sure many women were shocked and surprised when the men in their lives started asking them to allow this to be done. In the porn movies I understand the reasoning behind it. It was originally used because the film makers thought that to allow a man to ejaculate inside a woman was anticlimactic and sexually uncinematic. But the "facial" that we see today was not used too much in porn's early days. It was breasts, ass and belly for years. Many men replying to the discussions I read were quite vocal in insisting that the facial was NOT a show of macho power. To me it seems that's exactly what it is. Whatever the reason it caught on and there are movies out now that are nothing but these kinds of ejaculation shots strung together. But, as in all porn, change is needed constantly and the producers are more than happy to accomodate the jaded tastes of porn loving men. So the newest type of ejaculatory shot is highly ironic. "The Creampie" is where the guy actually cums inside the woman. This is supposed to be hot and dangerous in these days of sexually transmitted disease as opposed to 30 years ago when it was considered too boring. Link to post Share on other sites
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