GF Cheated...

[EastCoastOdyssey]

I feel in order for me to get some decent responses, I really need to tell a long story that really explains my thoughts on why I feel the way I do about this situation. I'm sorry if it is a bit of a reader. Let me begin by saying that as of right now I am feeling like I want to forgive her and move on.

 

The events of this weekend are the main point of this post so if you dont want to read the stuff afterwards these are the bare bones facts with none of the context from the relationship as a whole. We are both college students and have been dating for 15-16 months. We have been going through a pretty long rough patch, and my issues have played a huge part in it. We got into a fight and we stopped talking for a few hours. We started talking a few hours before she was supposed to go to this concert with her roommates that they had been planning for weeks. part of the group she was going with included a guy she had met at a club but she only had wanted to be friends with. Once the concert was over the group went back to the apartment and were drinking. She drank way more than she should of and started making out with friend from club. Now this is all what she told me. She thinks she slept with him but, only a little. She knows her panties were on, but he had put a condem on. She is also on her period and hates having sex on her period because of how painful she says it is. As far as she does remember they had only done it for a second and then she told him to get off. She came and told me all of this the very next day. I know she regretted it, I know she loves me and this was really a mistake that she feels she will live with for the rest of her life. I dont feel angry at her (the guy obviously) but I feel sad that she has to learn this lesson the hard way.

 

Now for some of the background. For a relatively short relationship, we have been through more arguably than some with much more time than us. And even through it all, whether it is a problem for one of us, or a problem for both we have stuck it out and worked through it. These past few months she has been more than patient since I have not been myself since I burried my dad. I've not been the most pleasant or fun person to be around since then. In some of her frustration she started flirting with other boys only because I was nasty more than I should have been, especially since she had been there for me for the whole ordeal of my dad passing away. She got the flirty needs out of her system and we were back to the most part of just being us. I know some resentment of her flirty period came out in our fight, and I was really nasty in what I said to her and I regret it so much. I feel like I spurned her into drinking more than she should of that night. She has done so much for me I don't know what I would do without her now. I am 98% certain that when she told me the next day, she told me everything that happened to the letter. When ever I have had doubts she has always been honest with me. But after something like this I know it is inevitable that I will have some doubts. But on the whole I think she showed incredible strength telling me as soon as she did.

 

I feel like I need some time, but I honestly think we can work through this like anything else. She has been such an amazing force in my life and I have certainly made my own mistakes when it comes to this relationship. Nobody is perfect, and at this age we make more mistakes as we prepare ourselves to be full adults. None of this excuses what she did, but if I am willing to forgive and repair, and she actually wants to atone for her mistake, are we that stupid, or is this something we can't come back from?

More than anything the two of us wish this weekend had never happened.

[GSB81]

What I'm about to to say is nothing more than my opinion as an outsider looking in based on the info given. Ok, you are a fool if you don't dump her for this. You've gone through the hell of losing a parent at a young age, anyone would be in a funk. How does she respond? By becoming flirty with guys. Wow what a kind supportive girl she must be! So you then get in an argument and you mention it. How does she respond? By getting drunk and banging some guy. I don't care if was just the tip for half a second, she still crossed the line. And why are you mad at the guy? He didn't cheat on you. It also bothers me that you seem to be willing to accept the blame for this, like she's punishing you and you deserve it. Wake up and tell her to hit the road.

[will1988]

IMO a relationship can never truly go back to normal after one or both partners have cheated. With that being said, it seems like you are forgiving her and you are admitting that you may have had a minor part to play in her behavior. So the ball is in your court. Do you truly think you can forgive and forget? Do you think she would do this to you again when your arguments do not suit her? Do you think she has cheated on you in the past and has not told you? Are you sure she was as drunk and unwilling as she says she was? Are you sure he wore a condom (I'd get tested)? Are you sure you are not just in denial? Lastly, are you 100% sure this will not happen again? These are all questions you have to ask your self, and answer your self. These are things you have to look deep down in side and answer. To me it sounds like she was honest about the whole thing, with in a very reasonable time frame. That is generally a good sign, but you can never tell. I am not one to forgive cheating, in any form, though... so I would dump her ASAP. But this is your reltationship, and not mine. You need to be a lone for a while and think every thing through and ALL possible outcomes from this. You also need to talk to her and if you decide to stay you need to get her full comitment that she will never ever do this again and if she does you will not be as forgiving next go around.

 

I do not envy your situation. I've been cheated on and it is not fun.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting and forgiving as you? A cheater never tells you the full story. She is putting a nice spin on it. I strongly suggest that the both of you get tested for STD's.

[will1988]

you know, what the other commenter said actually makes a lot of sense. Your father died and your GF in turn becomes a flirt and then cheats on you? I mean you can go with what I last said, but personally I'd drop her like a hot potato at this point!

[Chi townD]

Good rule of thumb to live by, when a cheater confesses, they only confess to the bare minimum of what happened so it doesn't seem as bad as what TRUELY happened. You want to believe she told you everything, but I think you're only getting a little bit of the truth.

 

Dude, your father died. And I'm sorry for your loss. But, the way she handled things while you were in mourning is truely disrespectful.

 

She cheated on you. This wasn't your fault. She made the choice to cheat. I'm sure you didn't ask her to do that. She did it on her own.

[kdobbs]

Dude, I am currently going through the exact same thing as you are, my girlfriend had a drunken one night stand with another man after 4 years of being together.

 

She basically told me that it was just a kiss and she was so convincing... I believed her and we got back together and everything was good for a couple of months.

 

Then luckily for me the truth came out, and it was much more than just a kiss. I only found this out 2 days ago

 

I really want to be with her again, my girlfriend that is, but what I and also you have to understand that cheating is not a mistake, I realize this more and more. She made that choice to kiss him, she then didn't stop and made the choice to go further.

 

Just think like this, you will be hurting now, I am too. But just think if you get back together and try to make things work, what if she decides that she can't deal with the relationship anymore and ends it with you? You will be SO much worst off than you feel now.

 

Take my word for it, when we got back together after I thought it was only just a kiss, it was never EVER the same again. You have a great time when you are together, but trust me, when she isn't there, all you do is doubt.

 

It's just not worth it.

[EastCoastOdyssey]

Since I'm from across the country, would it be a good idea to talk to my friends from back home?

[will1988]

Since I'm from across the country, would it be a good idea to talk to my friends from back home?

 

If your friends from back home are truly your friends they will tell you stuff similar to what we have all told you. I'd say ask them, but be honest with them, and yourself and tell them not to sugar coat anything.

 

Good luck!

[Darren Steez]

What are our thought processes when we make decisions? There is no such thing as a mistake, only care not to thoroughly think something over and come to the right conclusion.

 

You don't just stand next to someone and jump on them. There is a process of courtship, including initiating right through to consummation. So through the process of this evening (taking it that contact was initiated there...or more likely this is a guy she liked from before which is even worse) things got heavier and heavier until the point where they had sex. One question? Where were you in her thought process and decision making. From the flirting, to the kissing, to going to a room and having sex...where were you in her thoughts?

 

Most likely she pushed you way way out where you couldn't bother her while she did the deed. You can feel awful about it after the fact, but the deed is done. So now can you trust her when she goes out alone. This girl when you've gone through such a traumatic experience decides to sleep with someone else?

 

If she really loved you, she wouldn't have let him come inside. So now do you reward cheating with understanding, because if you do, she will do it again.

[road]

We got into a fight and we stopped talking for a few hours. We started talking a few hours before she was supposed to go to this concert with her roommates that they had been planning for weeks. part of the group she was going with included a guy she had met at a club but she only had wanted to be friends with. Once the concert was over the group went back to the apartment and were drinking. She drank way more than she should of and started making out with friend from club. Now this is all what she told me. She thinks she slept with him but, only a little. She knows her panties were on, but he had put a condem on. ................

 

 

OM and her had been hanging out within a group. OM had been working her. GF decided to give OM a try. Picked a fight with you so you would not be around for the concert or after concert partying clearing the decks to give OM a test ride.

 

GF drank to much on purpose to use I was drunk excuse. Claims to not really remember what happened to do damage control.

 

GF then decided to tell you because her OM test ride was not as good as she thought it would be and she realized that too many friends in common were aware that OM and GF banged and she worried that someone would rat her out.

 

Now that you know what really happened it should make dumping GF easier.

[Chi townD]

Road brings up a very good point. It's easier to cheat on someone if you're mad that them. Therefore, they pick a fight (and it could have been about ANYTHING) and that gives them permission for a green light to cheat. She could have told herself, "Well, I wouldn't have been with this guy in the first place if he wasn't acting like a total douche rocket!" Thus, putting the blame on you.

 

I have a feeling that she could have already had an attraction to this guy. Plan to fight with you so she could have the opportunity to be around this guy without you by her. And the rest is history.

 

This might have been premeditated.

[nofool4u]

Dump her now and find a decent girl.

[Onionator]

Get rid of this broad. You don't want her. If she loved you and cared about you SHE would be the one asking people for advice on how to keep you and that she had made a mistake and whatnot, and I doubt she's doing that. Whatever good you think there is in her is negated by this action.

 

Dump her, move on, find a proper girl. Easier said than done obviously but it's something that NEEDS to be done. Don't overthink it, no matter how special you think you're situation is, it isn't. She's a cheater and you do not want to be with her.

[crash9i77]

Dump her now Buddy... She was lying to ya.. You are pretty young i take it and there are many options... Take all these peoples advice.. She is a whore ..

 

 

You must look at their history.. Male and females who have a large history of cheating very likely indicates a possible personality disorder. Cluster-B type like Narcissistic personality disorder, and Borderline personality disorder.

 

People who are serial cheaters crave the initial "Endorphon" rush of the first stage of a relationship and it feels like love but it is just your body feeling high and on a drug. Once your body stops producing this drug.. A person needs to feel this so they pursue it by cheating on the current boyfriend and finding a new "High" or rather "Fix" by finding new lovers.

 

This phenomenon is actually increasing in todays society.

 

People with "NPD" will leave a victim an empty husk of what he/she used to be. They not only cheat, but abuse and manipulate with no empathy or care. It truly is a "Have your cake and eat it to" type of a situation.

 

Bottom line is this. People who cheat are not good people. Yes people do this. But a one time thing is usually something a person goes through in high school and realizes they will never hurt another like this. And never cheat on a partner again.

 

But people who typically have a PD will never learn this and continue to cheat on every partner they will have, and the thing about cheaters is this.. The more they cheat, the easier and better they get at it and it actually becomes a big habit.

As soon as partner comes along who who seems new and attainable. They get a curiosity and build this to a new affair. Then.. Out with old in with new like a battery.. They never learn how to settle... If they did.. They don't know how to live without that high...or distractions that feel so great. Sex is always more explosive in the beginning as well.

 

After things calm down.. They don't feel in love anymore and crave that initial excitement again. And do so by cheating. Many cheaters ( especially NPD partners) will have multiple relationships going on at once and you would never know because they are masters at doing what they do keeping one primary "source of narcissistic supply" in which they need to live, and many other secondary sources... Like emotional/mental vampires..

 

Like i said, swap one battery for another.. Overlapping relationships..