Wife had affair?

[nofool4u]

My wife and I separated in early July. During that time we had little to no contact. We started talking again in September and got back together at the of the month.

 

In October I found it she was pregnant. Just recently I found out she is due May 14 and is 23 weeks. Of course shes claiming its mine. But the numbers are not adding up. We did not sleep with each other again in till September 26.

 

Can a doc really be off by a whole month or more? based on the numbers she would have had to conceive in August?

 

I think if anything there was an affair in Mid August.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Get a paternity test BEFORE you sign any birth certificate.

 

Once you sign it, you are legally the father. The only way to get out of it in most cases is for the real father to come forward and claim responsibility, financial and otherwise, of the child.

 

Because if you sign the certificate, and find out later that the child is not yours, you'll be paying child support for some other man's child.

[Bryanp]

I think you should simply ask your wife if she was seeing anyone while you were separated? If she says NO and the paternity test says yes then you will know she is a liar. If she says YES then you may not want to stay with her even if the paternity test says you are the father. I think it is quite reasonable to ask this question. Why are fearful to do so?

[firemanq]

Your situation is somewhat like mine. I always had questions about being the father. We stayed together, but I had no trust in her or anything she said. Her actions made me wonder about the other 3 children. We were together 18 years, finally divorcing when the child left home. One day, while we supposedly trying to work things out, I asked her the questions I should have asked years before. "Why didn't you tell me?" Her response " I loved you so much" My reply "Hell of a way to show your love" She may or may not have cheated, but my advice is get a paternity test. You will then know if the child is yours or not. A lieing person will always lie, and continue to lie. She has apparantly lied to you, and will continue to lie.

 

The oldest child and I were always at odds. We never had a good relationship and that affected the relationship wiht the other children. Years after the divorce, and after my daughters marriage, my girlfriend talked to my daughter. We now have a good relationship and get along and we do love each other. The relationship between my daughter and her mother, not so good. My daughter calls her mother on every lie.

 

I can hear you trying to make excuses for her, as I have heard others make excuses. And I made excuses when I was going throught the same heatbreak you are going through. It will get better, one day I got up and thought to my self "What a great day this is!". It was also the first day I woke and did not immediatly think of her.

 

There should be a sticky for names of some of the people who have written their story. I suggest reading the Owl and Ninja Husband first. Do this to see what others have gone through. I read some of the story lines, and had to wipe tears off my face. At times I actually shouted at the computer while reading of the hearts I heard breaking. After reading those stories, you will more receptive to the advice already given. Don't give up when you are given advice contrary to your wishes.

 

And remember, there are more fish in the sea. I met some and ended up with a beatiful lady who has a daughter who I love as much as my own children, and who has allowed me to call her children mine. It can and does get better.

[neveragain34]

When did she tell you she was pregnant? Women usually don't realize they are pregnant till about 3 weeks after conception which is when she would be a few days "late" on her period. I hope that makes sense.

 

Does she keep a calendar of her menstrual cycle you could peek at? This sounds funny, but I have a menstrual app on my iPhone where I track my periods so I know when I'm ovulating and/or about to start my next period. If she hasn't had a period since early August, it's definitely not yours.

 

I understand you not wanting to ask her anything since your marriage is probably fragile enough right now after being apart. Any false accusations can be detrimental. This is a tough one! When you spilt up because of financial problems, who initiated the split/fight? If it was her, she may have used finances as a reason to get out of the marriage instead of admitting to an affair and leaving you for someone else. Maybe she did go to him but realized they weren't a good fit. Who knows. Whatever the outcome, I wish you the best!

[Jcut22]

Met with an attorney today. His advise is to seek a DNA test after the baby is born and not have me sign the birth certificate. Meeting with him really put doubts in my mind of being the father of this child. He still wants me to go to the doctor appointment and ask questions there.

 

I cannot call the doc because they will not release information without her consent. My wife has no clue I am suspicious and she has never been the type of person to give me fears of being a cheater.

 

Attorney thinks we should still get the DNA test regardless of what the doctor says. I guess doctors out here can shy away from infidelity suspicion questions.

[Bryanp]

Again why can you not simply ask if she was seeing anyone while the both of you were separated? Why the big mystery?

[whichwayisup]

In October I found it she was pregnant. Just recently I found out she is due May 14 and is 23 weeks. Of course shes claiming its mine. But the numbers are not adding up. We did not sleep with each other again in till September 26.

 

Can a doc really be off by a whole month or more? based on the numbers she would have had to conceive in August?

Dr is off by 2 1/2 to 3 weeks. Unless my math is wrong. Her last P would have been in August, she didn't have a P in Sept there for getting pregnant that month after having sex with you. Did you only have sex that one time after that particular date?

 

Do you know your wife's cycle and if so, is it consistant? Where was she in her cycle Sept 26? Just go by what you remember before, if possible..

[2long]

The huge red flags are still there. I still can't believe you don't know every little thing about the pregnancy if she really is thinking of the 3 of you as a new family getting started.

 

She seems 2 be biding her time, and that can't be good for you. I'm worried about you somehow being convinced between now and the birth date that you really wouldn't mind being a parent to this kid even if it's not yours.

 

And if you stow your concerns and suspicions until May/June, your relationship will suffer, as will your confidence in yourself. The only thing that will grow is your conflict avoidance - and at the end of the pregnancy, you REALLY don't want 2 be an "experienced" conflict avoider!

 

Get it out now, while you both are flexible enough 2 make new starts apart.

 

-ol' 2long

[whichwayisup]

Again why can you not simply ask if she was seeing anyone while the both of you were separated? Why the big mystery?

 

I would be honest and up front about it, after the Dr appointment once you get ultrasound and a confirmed due date.

 

You ask her about someone else..If she says no, then just tell you're very confused about the due dates considering the times you two had sex and it's made you feel uneasy and doubtful. Reaffirm that you love and trust her but something feels very off so if there's anything she needs to tell you, now is the time to say it.

[2sunny]

Did you ask her?

 

Either way she answers - you need a paternity test.

 

She may have gotten back together with you because you'd support her and the child?

 

Dunno - you need to start asking some questions - and if she won't willingly answer - demand a polygraph.

Edited January 17, 2013 by 2sunny

[Oberfeldwebel]

Don't ask the doctor about infidelity, stick to the facts of conception and due dates. He is basing his prognostication on when she says is her last period. Playing a little dumb here is not a bad thing, as it appears to be a learning experience. After the appointment if the dates don't align, then you need to sit her down and have a frank discussion. I know this is very personal to you, but you need to be calm and level headed. There is no glory in shaming or maligning her, she knows what she has done either way and will take care of that for you.

 

She needs to know that upon the birth of the child that a DNA test will be done, so lying does her no go, the truth will come out. If the child is not yours biologically, that does not mean you can not raise the child, but it obviously makes it a much more difficult task. I suggest that you answer that question for yourself, before you speak with her. This is a question only you can answer for yourself, what I or anyone else would do is not relevant. Make the best decision for you, that is all you can do. I think you are doing well under the circumstances.

[Jcut22]

For those wondering here is what went down over the last few days.

 

The doctor appointment went as expected. I asked the doctor about the due date and how they come up with that date.

 

My wife was completely oblivious to the reasoning behind my questions. The doctor does not know about our situation. Turns out the due date is even earlier May 11th this is based on the LMP and ultrasound matching the growth.

 

Me and my wife drove separately to the doctor appointment. After my wife left I went back and talked to the doctor. I told her about the separation and my feelings of possible affair.

 

The doctor was really hesitant to answer any of my questions with conception dates. Tried to beat around the bush as much as possible. It was like she had a secret agenda to protect my wife. But I know they have a interest in the child. Long story short doctor reaffirmed my suspicion and I am highly confident this child is not mine.

 

 

I talked to my wife that same night. She cried all night and left. She denies any affair. She is in shock I don't trust her and has stayed at her Moms house this weekend. She won't talk to me at this point.

[neveragain34]

I've read that liars/guilty parties often act defensive and upset when confronted about the situation, but it's hard to tell if that applies in this situation. I think I'd act that way either way in this instance.

 

If she's telling you the truth and it's yours, in a few days after she has calmed down, she should be able to empathize and understand why you have your doubts. She should work through these doubts with you and get a paternity test to ease your mind. If she doesn't, then it's because she already knows the truth and doesn't have the guts to admit to it and would rather make you feel bad.

[road]

For those wondering here is what went down over the last few days.

 

My wife was completely oblivious to the reasoning behind my questions. The doctor does not know about our situation. Turns out the due date is even earlier May 11th this is based on the LMP and ultrasound matching the growth.

 

After my wife left I went back and talked to the doctor. I told her about the separation and my feelings of possible affair.

 

The doctor was really hesitant to answer any of my questions with conception dates. Tried to beat around the bush as much as possible. It was like she had a secret agenda to protect my wife. But I know they have a interest in the child. Long story short doctor reaffirmed my suspicion and I am highly confident this child is not mine.

 

 

I talked to my wife that same night. She cried all night and left. She denies any affair. She is in shock I don't trust her and has stayed at her Moms house this weekend. She won't talk to me at this point.

 

First mistake was to not ask Dr in front of WW.

 

Dr can lose license for giving out patients info without permission.

 

How was the Dr beating around the bush.

 

You should of told the:

 

Dr to stop beating around the bush as to whether the OM had been in your WW's bush. I need the truth you denying me the truth and the truth will be revealed with the DNA test soon as the Child is born. So stop you lying by omission.

 

Any way exactly what did the Dr tell you that confirms that the child is not yours?

 

Lying by omission

Edited January 20, 2013 by road

[Darth Vader]

I've read that liars/guilty parties often act defensive and upset when confronted about the situation, but it's hard to tell if that applies in this situation. I think I'd act that way either way in this instance.

 

If she's telling you the truth and it's yours, in a few days after she has calmed down, she should be able to empathize and understand why you have your doubts. She should work through these doubts with you and get a paternity test to ease your mind. If she doesn't, then it's because she already knows the truth and doesn't have the guts to admit to it and would rather make you feel bad.

 

 

This deserved a bump! If your wife isn't guilty, then why all of the fireworks? Why all the defensiveness? She's telling you by her actions she went and screwed around on you and she doesn't want to accept the consequences to her actions! I say Press even HARDER! She's hiding something.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if that "fight" over finances back then wasn't just a cover for her to get away from you to go and screw this guy! Something's not right there at all.

 

Contact a Lawyer if you haven't done it already and start the filing for Divorce process, this can be undone at any time, but start getting your ducks in a row NOW, so you may not be saddled with someone else's kid!

[Darren Steez]

If the baby was a hundred percent yours there are ways to prove it and she would be fairly confident with the security of that knowledge to put all your fears at ease. The fact that she ran away and hid, the fact that you're now on to her, the fact that the due date is rapidly approaching and the truth will soon be out is terrifying her.

 

She may very well have cheated, now she runs away and acts like it's your fault you don't trust her.

 

Do what you need to do to get paternity of the child and put this situation to bed once and for all, sooner rather than later.

[Bryanp]

Well since the doctor said the due date is even earlier you know the baby is not yours and she indeed had an affair. She is playing the drama card because she thinks you are an idiot. She probably wants you to help her through the pregnancy and have a name on the birth certificate.

 

She freaked out because she realized the game is up for her. She probably never thought that you would ask for a paternity test. She is putting out the tears and showing indignation for effect.

 

If she had not dated and knew that it was your child then she would have laughed and said lets make a bet on the paternity results. Her reaction indicates that she is really scared that she has been found out by you.

[road]

Well since the doctor said the due date is even earlier you know the baby is not yours and she indeed had an affair. She is playing the drama card because she thinks you are an idiot. She probably wants you to help her through the pregnancy and have a name on the birth certificate.

 

She freaked out because she realized the game is up for her. She probably never thought that you would ask for a paternity test. She is putting out the tears and showing indignation for effect.

 

If she had not dated and knew that it was your child then she would have laughed and said lets make a bet on the paternity results. Her reaction indicates that she is really scared that she has been found out by you.

 

Bryanp, is on the money.

[2sunny]

In order to ease your mind before the birth ( like NOW) she can offer to take a polygraph test!

 

She should be willing to - given that SHE thinks she's telling you her truth.

 

Her timeline is evidence she cheated. She needs security for the child - you're her second choice at this point - a security blanket because the other dude didn't want a child.

 

I'd divorce her.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She has a coworker group she goes out with and I know one of the guys texts her quite a bid out of the norm.

 

Also, the getting back together was mostly engaged by her. Big change of attitude....

 

What about this guy who texts her quite a bit out of the norm? Is that still going on?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

For those wondering here is what went down over the last few days.

 

The doctor appointment went as expected. I asked the doctor about the due date and how they come up with that date.

 

My wife was completely oblivious to the reasoning behind my questions. The doctor does not know about our situation. Turns out the due date is even earlier May 11th this is based on the LMP and ultrasound matching the growth.

 

Me and my wife drove separately to the doctor appointment. After my wife left I went back and talked to the doctor. I told her about the separation and my feelings of possible affair.

 

The doctor was really hesitant to answer any of my questions with conception dates. Tried to beat around the bush as much as possible. It was like she had a secret agenda to protect my wife. But I know they have a interest in the child. Long story short doctor reaffirmed my suspicion and I am highly confident this child is not mine.

 

 

I talked to my wife that same night. She cried all night and left. She denies any affair. She is in shock I don't trust her and has stayed at her Moms house this weekend. She won't talk to me at this point.

 

Given that you were separated and the due date is out of range, I would have thought her reaction would be something along the lines of, "let's see the doctor, he/she will tell you that it's possible to be your baby." In other words, she would be able to understand why you had doubts and would try to reassure you that your doubts were wrong.

 

Instead, she left and refuses to talk. I think you caught her off guard and she left to see if she could come up with an explanation.

 

Follow your attorney's advice regarding the paternity issue. If you don't, you could be found legally responsible for the child even if a paternity test later proves you are not the father.

 

What I also found odd is that she only informed you of the pregnancy AFTER she had already been to see the doctor several times. I don't think that's normal, to hold off telling the husband. I would say normal would be to tell you if she even suspected she might be pregnant, or at the very latest the same day as finding out from the doctor.

[Mr. Lucky]

I talked to my wife that same night. She cried all night and left. She denies any affair. She is in shock I don't trust her and has stayed at her Moms house this weekend. She won't talk to me at this point.

Have you thought about what you're going to say to her when you do talk?

 

At this point you don't have a marriage problem, you have a math problem. I'd sit down with her and have her explain the timeline to you as she sees it working backwards from the due date.

 

Does she dispute the dates of your separation or the timing of when you had sex?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2long]

Well, it's pretty obvious why she's behaving the way she is, then.

 

I think it's likely that the OM was never "that in2 her" and when she realized it, she realized that she needed someone 2 take responsibility for this kid. Sadly, the easiest way 2 do that would be 2 let the BH believe that he's the father, let him get attached 2 the baby over the next few months, and bank on him wanting 2 sign the birth certificate when the baby is born.

 

Even if you wanted 2 be the legal parent, you'd need 2 know where the OM stands. Does he know he's about 2 be a father? If he doesn't and he finds out, he might want visitation rights. If he does know, he might want visitation rights but he might be waiting for you 2 sign the birth certificate so your W can leave you for him and you can pay them child support.

 

Anyway, I'd bet that she wants 2 patch things up with you because she either knows he was never serious about her or she was never serious about him. Anyway you look at this, you need 2 get your waterfowl coaxial, and SOON.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

I should add that, if you want 2 be the legal parent, you'll need 2 make sure that the OM can't negatively affect the kids and your lives going forward - he's either got 2 promise never 2 have any contact with the kid, and/or help pay for the child's upbringing.

 

And either way, you'd have 2 be "okay" with that. Plus, you'd have 2 consider telling the child about the bio father at least when they're 18.

 

Seriously, though. It shouldn't be your responsibility. The simplest thing 2 do would be 2 divorce and encourage your W and the OM 2 work things out for their child.

 

-ol' 2long

[road]

I should add that, if you want 2 be the legal parent, you'll need 2 make sure that the OM can't negatively affect the kids and your lives going forward - he's either got 2 promise never 2 have any contact with the kid, and/or help pay for the child's upbringing.

 

And either way, you'd have 2 be "okay" with that. Plus, you'd have 2 consider telling the child about the bio father at least when they're 18.

 

Seriously, though. It shouldn't be your responsibility. The simplest thing 2 do would be 2 divorce and encourage your W and the OM 2 work things out for their child.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

Do not sign the birth certificate without a DNA test.

 

Do not tell the OM that WW is pregnant. Even if the OM is the dad. Reason if a BH decides to recovery the marraige WW must have NC with the OM. So the BH does not need the OM trying to get shared custody or visitaion with the OC.