Help! I have a serious boyfriend but I'm in lust with someone else!

[Sarah]

I need help! I have a serious boyfriend of over two years and I love him very much. I want to marry him and have children with him. Recently, about two months ago, I met a new man, slightly older than me and married, with a baby. He seems to love his wife as well, but we are both severely attracted to each other. I can not handle the sexual tension between us. I am not in love with him, but I do hav strong sexual feelings for him. I am thinking of caving into those feelings just to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need help!!

 

Sarah

[Alan]

How would caving in to your feelings prove you love your boyfriend?

 

I was recently in a similar (but reverse) situation.

 

If you really do love your boyfriend then you mustn't do anything which you will no doubt later regret. It's unlikely that the other man will leave his wife for you.

 

Try redirecting that sexual tension toward your boyfriend.

 

Believe me, guilt is not a good thing to have in a relationship.

I need help! I have a serious boyfriend of over two years and I love him very much. I want to marry him and have children with him. Recently, about two months ago, I met a new man, slightly older than me and married, with a baby. He seems to love his wife as well, but we are both severely attracted to each other. I can not handle the sexual tension between us. I am not in love with him, but I do hav strong sexual feelings for him. I am thinking of caving into those feelings just to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need help!! Sarah

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I am not in love with him, but I do hav strong sexual feelings for him. I am thinking of caving into those feelings just to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need help!!"

 

Well, yes, you do need help.

 

You are not ready to be in a committed relationship and you should tell your boyfriend immediately. The married guy you are attracted to shouldn't be married. All the days of your life you will be attracted to different men to one extent or another...perhaps even be very sexually stimulated by them...but if you have no loyalty to those you are committed to or no self control, you can cause heartache in your life of immeasureable dimensions.

 

Here you are in a realtionship with a guy you say you want to marry...and you want to have sex with a married man who has a small child. Do you really think you are the kind of person your boyfriend wants to live the rest of his life with? Do you have any idea the problems and heartache you can cause for many people if you go through with this? These kinds of things have a way of getting exposed.

 

I urge you to get out of your relationship right now. I also warn you of the great many problems a sexual encounter with this married man can bring about. Once you are free, you need to spend a few years reacting to those with whom you are sexually or otherwise attracted. Enjoy yourself, free of worry and without the possiblity of causing great pain to people. Have sex often with partners who aren't married or in committed relationships. Just be sure they are STD free and use some sort of protection.

 

One day, you will be in a place of maturity when you will no longer be interested in succumbing to animal urges because you will be madly in love with someone whom you wouldn't think of hurting or cheating on.

 

None of what I have said here is meant to criticize you or put you down. I just don't think you realize the gravity of what you have written here and what you are contemplating. You are just not ready for a long-term relationship right now and you don't have a clue of just how terrible the fall out could be from a sexual encounter with this married man. If the sexual attraction is that great and you are so vulnerable, it could wind up being more than a one-time thing.

 

The only positive thing about this is that the married man has been honest with you, has told you he is "in love" (yeah, right) with his wife, and that both of you will basically be using each other to act on this sexual attraction. He does not love his wife enough to put his marriage in great jeopardy and he does not care about you enough to subject your relationship to ending as well. I unconditionally guarantee this whole thing will be discovered if you act on it.

 

If you do decide on moving forward, be prepared to deal with pain that will be much greater in a negative sense than the pleasure of the half hour or so sexual encounter you are thinking about.

 

You really need to develop a strategy for dealing with men you are sexually attracted to. Perhaps a counsellor can help you. Perhaps you are not satisfied with your current relationship and/or it is getting stale for you. I just don't believe for a minute you would do this if you are really and truly in love with your boyfriend. I just don't buy it.

 

Incidentally, I have massively strong sexual feelings for the actress Salma Hayek. But short of giving her a big kiss (even in front of my lady), I would not act on these feelings even if the opportunity presented itself. But then again, perhaps you are part of the wave of a changing morality. Do what you can live with...and do what you can live with the consequences of doing.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I am not in love with him,

 

but I do hav strong sexual feelings for him. I

 

am thinking of caving into those feelings just

 

to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need

 

help!!"

 

Alan, in his post above, made a great point. Just exactly how would having an adulterous sexual relationship with a married man who has a child make you sure you really love your boyfriend???

 

I would die for the answer to that because there is no logic here. The only thing sex with this man will do, if you have no conscience, is give you a nice orgasm if he too has no conscience. If he really loves his wife and child and has even an ounce of morals, it will be very difficult for him to even get an erection under these circumstances.

 

Thank you, Alan!!!

[sparkle]

Sarah,

 

By NOT caving in those feelings is how you can make

 

sure you love him.

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think about it. Read Tony's advice carefully.

 

If a married man wants to mess around with you, he's not the type of guy you need anyway.

 

Or if you were his wife or his little child, how would you

 

feel if your husband was throwing this all away by messing around with someone just because he was attracted to them.

 

There are MANY single men out there. Chase after them and

 

you'll save yourself and others lots of pain and heartache.

I am thinking of caving into those feelings just to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need help!! Sarah

[Deejette]

I don't think you should marry your boyfriend and have children with him, because you are not ready to settle down. You are feeling the hots for another guy now and what's to say you won't feel that way about another guy after you are married and things have settled down into a routine.

 

You have gotten used to your boyfriend and the excitement of the new is sparked by the other guy. But novelty fades and what you will be left with is a man who took the marriage vows and decided to cheat on his wife and child with you because he felt the lust to do it. This may eat away at your trust in him and you will feel bad that you threw over your loyal boyfriend. You may also wonder, who is next after the novelty of being with you has died out.

I need help! I have a serious boyfriend of over two years and I love him very much. I want to marry him and have children with him. Recently, about two months ago, I met a new man, slightly older than me and married, with a baby. He seems to love his wife as well, but we are both severely attracted to each other. I can not handle the sexual tension between us. I am not in love with him, but I do hav strong sexual feelings for him. I am thinking of caving into those feelings just to make sure I really love my boyfriend. I need help!! Sarah